Out of control discipline

amother

Mon, Jun 26 2006, 9:19 pm

I'm having a hard time effectively disciplining my 3 1/2 year old son. Everything is a power struggle with us. It started with a few patches here and there... and now it's my first resort rather than my last resort!! I need to find a better method of discipline and try to undo the damage I've done. It's just that nothing else seems to work to get him to have even minimally accepatable behavior ie not putting himself or others in danger. And the patches don't always work anymore. Sad

I don't even know where to start to turn things around. Sad

Flowerchild

Mon, Jun 26 2006, 9:28 pm

I saw this on nanny911, create a "naughty" chair or step or corner, and everytime he does something bad put him them, lower yourself to his eye level and tell him that he has to sit here for x amount of time until he appologizes, and tell everyone not to talk to him including you untill he says he is sorry why he is sorry. ignore his please or cries until he does what he is told. something like that

morningstar

Mon, Jun 26 2006, 9:40 pm

Quote:

He won't stay in his room.

Sometimes you have to monitor this, either by staying in the room with him or by sitting outside the door. This means that when you discipline this way, you also need the time to follow up-- so this is not always the most convenient tactic. But often, this is very effective in breaking an escalating pattern of misbehavior.

Tue, Jun 27 2006, 11:01 am

I watched a similar program 2 nanny911 an they show for a kid that is out of control an wont stay in the naughty spot u put them in their room an if they try n run out u hold the door closed for a minute - if after that theyre ready 2 apologise an behave u let them out otherwise they gotta stay another minute. the mothers were in tears it was so hard for them 2 be so stirct when their kid was banging n yelling on the other dies of the door but it really worked after a few times.

happymom

Tue, Jun 27 2006, 11:03 am

Quote:

"naughty" chair

that doesnt have a good sound to it.

anyways, I think its best to say "no" as least as possible becasue somethings we have fights about just really arent worth it or importnat... (like what they should wear etc...) goodluck...

JRKmommy

Tue, Jun 27 2006, 2:00 pm

1. Go to the library or bookstore and get these books:

Raising Roses Among the Thorns (Rabbi Noach Orlowek)
To Kindle a Soul (Lawrence Kelemen)
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish)
Kids Are Worth It! (Barbara Colorosso)

2. It sounds like you've gotten into a negative pattern, so you've got to slowly work to change it. Here are some simple tips to get started:

- start each morning on a positive note. Greet him with a smile and a hug, and say something nice.

- Try to notice something that he's doing right during the day. Praise him for it, and write a "mitzvah note" on a piece of paper for him. You can them stick it on a "mitzvah wall", and he can see his notes multiply on the wall day by day. (Idea from my daughters' Chabad nursery - it really works!)

- Try to phrase instructions in a positive way, and avoid "no" and "don't" as much as possible. For example, "don't run into the street" would become "hold my hand when we go outside".

- Get right down to his eye level and look straight at him when telling him things

- Don't yell, and don't repeat yourself. Don't nag or lecture.

- Act, don't yak. If he's about to run into the street, scoop him up. If he's about to throw something, take it away. If he doesn't want to get in the car, pick him up and buckle him into the car seat.

- Be consistent, and never, ever give in to a tantrum

happymom

Tue, Jun 27 2006, 8:45 pm

I agree! I LOVE when I see people being positive with their kids! I makes me so happy Very Happy

One time I was shopping (and on line) and this woman had a toddler with her who kept complaining and kvetching that he was sooo thirsty.... the mother kept saying to him "I know sweety!! I wish I can help u.... what are u in the mood of?" and he kept saying over and over hes thirsty... she she said "Let pretend we are in the mountains and we are going to drink up the lake cuz we are sooooo thirsty.." lol and her kid smiled... and it went on like this for a few minutes cuz she couldnt get him a drink yet. she wasn't saying "STOP kvetching, or be quiet, or stop repeating yourself, but she was smart enough to realize that those comments make it worse, and by her being positive, she was keeping her child under control until she was able to give him a drink. I like seeing children treated this way! After all, they are people too. everyone likes it when ppl are positive with them!

raizy

Sun, Jul 02 2006, 1:36 am

jrkmommy I love what u wrote so much that I printed it out and I am going to go over it every day.

Act dont yak . I do that all the time. my son loves running into the street I constantly have to run after him . but I dont think he really understands what a street means only it makes mom run after him. he is 2 yrs old.

amother

Fri, Jul 28 2006, 8:46 am

Thank you for all the responses and thanks for not bashing me. I never wanted to be a parent who spanks. Crying

My responses to your responses:

I thought it was against halacha to lock a child in their room? (I read this in "To Kindle a Soul" and maybe other place(s))

JRKMommy I am trying to incorporate your suggestion more - I've done them but never thought about them so specifically. About "act don't yak" - I want to avoid getting physical at all. First, because I think he loves it when I pick him up, force him into his seat, etc, it's like a game to him. Also, I can't always do that; I can't when I'm big and pregnant, I can't when I'm dealing with another child especially a baby.

Motek, you are right I need to spend more time with him. DH and I work very hard to find one-on-one time with him, which he more than our other children seems to really need. Soemtimes I need a reminder though. LOL

However, I do still need to discipline him at times.

During the 3 weeks I have not patched him once. This is really what I've needed to step back and look at how I'm dealing with him. I've had to find other ways to discipline him, and like Motek said I am reading to him etc to try to head off the unwanted behavior in the first place. I hope that I can continue in this way.

gryp

Fri, Jul 28 2006, 9:36 am

Quote:

During the 3 weeks I have not patched him once. This is really what I've needed to step back and look at how I'm dealing with him. I've had to find other ways to discipline him, and like Motek said I am reading to him etc to try to head off the unwanted behavior in the first place. I hope that I can continue in this way.

amother, hatzlacha.
maybe you want to post specific scenarios, and we can try and give you ideas of what might work with him.

btw, how does he do in school? does he listen to his teacher?

Motek

Fri, Jul 28 2006, 2:10 pm

amother - I am glad to hear that you are making positive changes.

I am finishing a book now called,"Hold On to You Kids":

http://www.amazon.com/gp/produ.....83155

If it's power struggles at age 3, you don't want to think about what it will be at age 13! So now is definitely the time to reclaim your child and develop a loving relationship with him, not an adversarial one.

You will see that the more loving it is, the LESS you will have to discipline! When your child feels loving towards you and wants to please you, they won't do much to upset you.

avigayil

Fri, Jul 28 2006, 3:26 pm

I would advise against the lock on the door.

1. Halachic problem.

2. The door could get locked by someone other than yourself (if you have company over, other siblings playmates are over). Your son could end up stuck there for a long time.

3. Can be a safety problem.....etc. fire starts next door and quickly spreads while you are on another floor of the house/apartment C"VS.

I like JRK's solutions. If you do need to keep him in his room, try and stay outside the door yourself for the amount of time he nees to be there. It doesn't need to be long. Most peds recommend 1 minute per year of age, so 3 or 4 minutes until he says sorry and comes out.