Out of control discipline

goldrose

Sun, Jul 30 2006, 10:11 pm

happymom wrote:

I agree! I LOVE when I see people being positive with their kids! I makes me so happy Very Happy

One time I was shopping (and on line) and this woman had a toddler with her who kept complaining and kvetching that he was sooo thirsty.... the mother kept saying to him "I know sweety!! I wish I can help u.... what are u in the mood of?" and he kept saying over and over hes thirsty... she she said "Let pretend we are in the mountains and we are going to drink up the lake cuz we are sooooo thirsty.." lol and her kid smiled... and it went on like this for a few minutes cuz she couldnt get him a drink yet. she wasn't saying "STOP kvetching, or be quiet, or stop repeating yourself, but she was smart enough to realize that those comments make it worse, and by her being positive, she was keeping her child under control until she was able to give him a drink. I like seeing children treated this way! After all, they are people too. everyone likes it when ppl are positive with them!

something else I sometimes do in these types of situations:

kid complains he's thirsty, and when I finished "fantasizing" what I cant give him in reality, he's still thirsty. so I say, "ok, I'm opening up the fridge right now!, pouring a drink!" etc. so the kid realizes that it's really not possible to get a drink right now, because there really is no fridge in front of me!

HelloEverybody

Mon, Aug 14 2006, 4:20 pm

I didn't read everyone's responses but after reading the OP, this is what I as a parent (with no official license in the area) would say.
1) Decide there will be no potching for 1 month (don't tell child) just tell dh so he knows.
2) Take son out to fun places, make sure to make a strong positive bond with him. I know it will be hard, tiring, and time consuming, but I think it will make steps 3 and on more effective.
3) Ignore bad behavior for amonth unless seriously dangerous where you simply stop him and that's it.
4) After the month, begin to give him choices such as would you like to eat your chicken now or in 10 minutes when we eat together (assuming he doesn't mind eating chicken to begin with). Give him a lot of choices. I alwasy ask my son if we should leave now or a "few minutes". He always picks a few minutes, but then when I say time to go, he picked it and is happy so goes.
5) If negative, not anti-positive behavior occurs, you can tell him that he needs to sit here until he is ready to listen to you and apologize. If he gets up, just calmly (key: CALMLY) pick him up and say "uhoh! ima/mommy told you not to get up until you're ready to say I'm sorry first" and put him back where he started. After doing this one or two times, he'll get the point and either apologize or just stay there.

Try these out and if they don't work, let me know. I'm sure we can find other things he would respond to better.

goldrose

Tue, Aug 15 2006, 12:01 pm

amother wrote:

I tell my son I will wash his mouth out with soap and water if he doesn't talk nicely, and believe me I have done it. I don't think it's appropriate for kids to be "fresh-mouthed" or some might call it "sassy." I don't put up with any of that nonsense and either does DH.

I tellyou, I'm glad I'm not your son.

HelloEverybody

Tue, Aug 15 2006, 1:17 pm

momof3 wrote:

What about when a child smirks when you tell them off, or refuses to answer you when you ask, "Is that the way we speak to Mommy?" no matter how many times you ask it & eventually answers, "yes" (basically being a smart aleck)

He gave you the answer he feels is correct. He's being honest. I would try and phrase it differently and say "mommy doesn't like when we talk that way." or "we don't talk that way in this house" In neither case, is he given the option, just told the rule.

HelloEverybody

Tue, Aug 15 2006, 1:18 pm

amother wrote:

Don't you think that's a little harsh?

Have you tried other means before resorting to this?

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2006, 3:00 pm

Quote:

I find it interesting that you posted this anonymously. Either you are ashamed that this is what you do, or its a bogus post to stir up some controversy.Incase this is really how you handle 'mouthing off', let me share with you:
I had this done to me and while it stopped my 'sassiness' I grew to hate my parents. So be careful with the soap.

Anon. b/c some people here may know my parents.

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2006, 4:15 pm

new amother in similar sitch.
what about a child who simply goes hysterical if he doesnt get things exactly the way he wants.
ex this morning I read my son a story and offered to read another 2 when he was done getting dressed. this is a good way to motivate a kid to get dresed quickly isnt it?
he said no, I want 2 stories right now. I said after your dressed, come lets go get dressed quickly. he said no, and started crying, he refused to get dressed b/c he wanted 2 stories first.
I was at a loss. I thought I was doing something nice, and it just caused him to go nuts, and made my morning much more difficult.
I rarley give in to his crying, so I dont know why he thinks it'll work.
what did I do wrong???????

I generally try to avoid confrontational situations with him. to avoid tantrums, but when he has one (I only call it a tantrum for lack of a better word, he's not a toddler anymore, and communicates well) I never give in.

HelloEverybody

Tue, Aug 15 2006, 4:22 pm

To the last amother, you didn't say if in the end you gave in or not.

I would say if you want to get dressed quickly (otherwise if he gets dressed at 3 p.m. you're still stuck reading the books) then you will read him the two books but only if there's enough time. If he has a crying fit/tantrum, say "ok". Act as if you DON'T care that he made that choice. The more you fight him after that point, the more he's won.

For example, this morning my son wanted "the toher cheese" (mozarella) but I was only offering him American so when I took it out he said "no, the other one" I said you can have this or nothing. He didn't take the American cheese I said "ok" put it back in fridge and walked away CALMLY as if I didn't care.

About 5 minutes later he asked for the American cheese and I gave it to him but he realized the crying/tantrum bit was useless.

HATZLOCHA!!!!

happymom

Fri, Aug 25 2006, 12:27 pm

Quote:

he said no, I want 2 stories right now.

I would tell him... you have a choice, choose ONE.

either I will read you this story after u.......

Or, You dont get any stories and Dont listen

what do u choose......

LET HIM CHOOSE
if he sees u mean it, and you dont make a huge deal, just dont read him the stories.. hell start choosing the right choice that is better for him. kids like it when u let THEM decide to be good. after all who wants to be good when someone else is telling u to....?

Annie

Fri, Aug 25 2006, 4:01 pm

I have one very strong willed little boy, who when you try and tell him no gives you the "okay, I don't care then" or if you threaten to take away a priveledge says "okay, I don't need it or I didn't want it anyway."

For him, we try and give him choices, but often times (b/c he's a things must be the way I want them kind of kid) that doesn't work. At which point he throws a fit, and I pick him up and remove him from the scene (which is usually the kitchen b/c most of his issues involve too much milk in the cereal bowl, not enough cereal in the bowl, the "wrong" milk/cup/spoon, etc) and remind him what his choices are and tell him "you can cry/have a tantrum, but not in the kitchen/dining room/living room. This has had some success in the sense that he knows I'm not going to make him another cereal bowl or otherwise cave in to the tantrum, but it also lets him cool off. That way it can be "his decision" to come back and eat his cereal.

Of course this isn't always easy. I hate to take his cereal away (b/c otherwise he'll spill it) and say "when you are ready to eat it this way you can have it," b/c half the time he'll say "okay I'm not hungry." But it works. BTW -- when I do that, after he leaves the kitchen b/c he's not hungry, I put the cereal back on his placemat. Oftentimes, he'll come back and eat it (wrong spoon and all).

The most important thing I've learned from this particular son is to anticipate what's going to make him misbehave. I try to always have drinks or snacks available b/c he's 100% worse when he's hungry, and then getting him to eat when he's having an "episode" is near impossible.

Anyway, just my two cents. As long as you're consistent and loving and they know what's appropriate, eventually it all works out (or so I'm told, my oldest is 7, and we're dealing with chutzpadick speech right now).