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In this week's Jewish Press...what do you think?
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Estee2




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Jul 01 2006, 10:47 pm
I think it comes down to the 'status' of having a job,
a title, a "life", outside the home.

Not to mention the extra money and the status of clothing,
high end strollers, etc.... that comes along with it.

I think it is the minority of working Moms that NEED to work over
3 hours a day even with young babies at home, just to make ends meet.
We can't judge, of course, but many can function by doing without
a few 'extras'. Also, there are costs with working: child care,
appropriate clothing, shoes, etc...

IY"H, the world will appreciate the value of the Mother's
job more. There is a letter in this month's N'Shei CHabad
Journal about this vey issure of non jews taking care of our children.

It should be a status to be a SAHM, just as it is to walk
with a Bugabo, and designer clothing, etc... Smile
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Henya




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Jul 01 2006, 10:50 pm
Being that I was a preschool teacher for nearly 5 years, I feel very strong about this topic. I taught the 3 year old class. Some children had been in school from 18 months & some were in school for the first time at 3 years of age. I saw a big difference in the children who were home with their mothers full time & those who were in a group setting from a young age. I found that the ones who were home with their mothers were more aidel & less confrontational. Whereas the ones who were in school from a young age were aggressive, chutzpadik & had a hard time sharing. Yes, there are exceptions but this is the general scene that I noticed. Children are not meant to be in a group setting at such a young age. At 1, 2 and still a bit at 3, children are very self ceentered, need their space & cannot share. Why are we putting them up for failure by forcing them to be in a group ? & then when they "fight for their rights" (I.e. their toys, space, attention) we begin to worry about behavioral issues. No one can replace a mommy! Be there for your children. Before you know it, they'll be grown & out of the house. No time spent with your child is ever wasted. Make the investment of a lifetime.
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amother






Post  Sat, Jul 01 2006, 11:02 pm
Quote:
happy mom
One more thing I forgot to write in my above post- I went to a shiur yesterday. One of my friends brought her baby. her baby was crawling all over. Another friend mentioned how her baby is older and is not crawling yet. The woman responded (with a smile) " I bring my baby to a babysitter, and the babysitter leaves her on the floor with toys, and doesn't hold her unless she needs to eat, so she was basically forced to crawl because she needs to play by herself most of the day." I can not understand how a mother can say that, and think thats a GOOD thing! I was in shock. (which I really shouldn't be by now.... )

and my baby was crawling at 11 months whereas my niece whos mother is working, her baby is not crawling at 16 months- my point is sending them to babysitters does not give them advantages physically or emotionally (as Henya just said).
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realeez




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Jul 01 2006, 11:17 pm
Here's what I always wondered...

What about the mothers who leave their children on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur with non-Jewish nannies so they could go to shul?
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mali




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Jul 01 2006, 11:22 pm
mommyabc123 wrote:
Here's what I always wondered...

What about the mothers who leave their children on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur with non-Jewish nannies so they could go to shul?
Puke
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Henya




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Jul 01 2006, 11:23 pm
mommyabc123 wrote:
Here's what I always wondered...

What about the mothers who leave their children on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur with non-Jewish nannies so they could go to shul?


What's more important? your davening while your child is being cared for on one of the holiest days of the year or that you daven sincerely here & there when you can but the best person in the world for your child is home with them? Hashem gave us these children. Do you think Hashem expects us to daven the entire davening while caring for our children. We are not malachim & only human after all!
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luv2beamother




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Jul 01 2006, 11:29 pm
you know, some people never ever get to shul during the year, and once a year they really want to go - I wouldn't judge them and ridicule them.
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mali




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Jul 01 2006, 11:34 pm
luv2beamother wrote:
you know, some people never ever get to shul during the year, and once a year they really want to go - I wouldn't judge them and ridicule them.
I'm sorry! these people have their spiritual priorities mixed up! I think that it's extremely selfish to have your children in non jewish hands when you go pray calmly. Puke
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yoyosma




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Jul 01 2006, 11:40 pm
From personal experience, I can tell you how I dealt with the whole Yom Tov thing.
On Rosh Hashana, I try really hard to hear Shofar in Shule. If I cant, I hear it from someone privately. I am not the type of mother who comes to Shule and stays and stays, and her kids are going mad running up the aisles, or out in the courtyard alone. I am VERY against that, and would rather stay at home than bring my child to shule. Some people think I am horrible for that, and they tell me so, but I would rather be at home talking about Yom Tov with my child and reading some Tefilos with her, and getting a few Tefilos in myself here and there. At this point, my DD is older and going to Shule is usually fine, but for many years I did not go.

As for leaving a child with a babysitter so I can daven, many people have told me this is what they do and look DOWN on me because I dont, but this is what I have chosen.

I am also the type of mother who doesnt ignore the people around her when her baby starts screaming during Megillah or Aseres Hadibros. If my child misbehaves, I LEAVE. It is NOT fair to the others around me for me to stay and ignore my baby, (which I have seen!!) because I want to be Yotzeh. I figure out a way to switch off with my husband or go to a different Minyan and I work it out! And sometimes, I dont make it! As a Jewish mother, we dont have the same restrictions as men, for a reason!
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luv2beamother




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Jul 01 2006, 11:47 pm
I guess if it's something you wouldn't do, its obviously wrong and selfish.
I thought the attitude is meant to be - I don't feel comfortable, but if the other person does, that's her business - and until I stand in her shoes I wont judge her.

(Personally I don't think I would leave my baby with a [gentile] ever - I haven't done it yet and I can't imagine I would. but I won't say a/t against s/o else until I've been through that situation. and I probably will never know what a/o person goes through)
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amother






Post  Sat, Jul 01 2006, 11:48 pm
Sorry if this is getting a little off topic, but I've been wanting to find out the answer to this question: does anyone know who is running the column that you found this article in? I know it used to be Rachel Bluth, and it's not her anymore. But everyone still starts "Dear Rachel". Is that just the convention at this point?

Either way, does anyone know who is doing the answers for that advice column?
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Henya




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jul 02 2006, 12:06 am
yoyosma wrote:
From personal experience, I can tell you how I dealt with the whole Yom Tov thing.
On Rosh Hashana, I try really hard to hear Shofar in Shule. If I cant, I hear it from someone privately. I am not the type of mother who comes to Shule and stays and stays, and her kids are going mad running up the aisles, or out in the courtyard alone. I am VERY against that, and would rather stay at home than bring my child to shule. Some people think I am horrible for that, and they tell me so, but I would rather be at home talking about Yom Tov with my child and reading some Tefilos with her, and getting a few Tefilos in myself here and there. At this point, my DD is older and going to Shule is usually fine, but for many years I did not go.

As for leaving a child with a babysitter so I can daven, many people have told me this is what they do and look DOWN on me because I dont, but this is what I have chosen.

I am also the type of mother who doesnt ignore the people around her when her baby starts screaming during Megillah or Aseres Hadibros. If my child misbehaves, I LEAVE. It is NOT fair to the others around me for me to stay and ignore my baby, (which I have seen!!) because I want to be Yotzeh. I figure out a way to switch off with my husband or go to a different Minyan and I work it out! And sometimes, I dont make it! As a Jewish mother, we dont have the same restrictions as men, for a reason!


Yup! I feel the same way you do! I feel it's important for my children to know that shul is a holy place & somewhere we go to daven. Not to run around .
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amother






Post  Sun, Jul 02 2006, 12:12 am
if u leave ure child with a guy u truse for 15 min so u can hear kol nidrei thats different then all day, which is wrong imo!
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baby's mom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jul 02 2006, 1:09 am
nicole81 wrote:
baby's mom wrote:
We all make decisions in life. It's a matter of prioritizing our lives objectives.


And who are you, or the community, to decide how others are to prioritize their decisions? As if you have the right to judge based on your limited knowledge of others' situations?

Really, I guess I could afford to stay home. But that would mean I would have to kick my father who is staying with me while he is battling cancer on to the street because I wouldn't have enough money to pay for food for him or rent for a large enough apartment for us to all live in.

Or better yet, maybe I should re-prioritize and we could all live cramped together in a 2 room basement, I could have the dream of saying home with my children, and we'll all live happily ever after... But wait, what about shalom bayis? I guess that's just not as important as staying at home.

It's a good thing I don't care about anyone else's opinions on the matter and only what's best for my family at this time, but it's sad to think that so many women are made to feel miserable because of this baseless judging by others. And yes, I do mean baselessly because as much as you think you may know, you don't know what's going on in their pockets and behind their closed doors.


Who have I judged?

I am not talking about mothers who must go out and work so that the family can have a roof over their head and food at the table. Those are the exceptions. How many of us are REALLY in that situation?
Unfortunately, the exceptions are becoming the rule. It is more common to go out then to stay with your baby in those early years of the child's life.
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amother






Post  Sun, Jul 02 2006, 1:14 am
amother wrote:
Quote:
Too bad the way she expresses herself will only appeal to people who are "fanatic" about the same things as she is...

Lthe same things.. uh .. duh.. parenting

The first 4 years are vital for bonding between mother and child to create a sense of security and stability not one of babysitters jewish or not that do not equal mother. I know that my dh and I have sacrificed many luxeries(what most my friends consider neccesities) so that I can stay home with our little ones.


That's admirable!
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amother






Post  Sun, Jul 02 2006, 1:14 am
re: judging a black nanny taking a chassidish kid to the park.

a couple of years ago, my son required a full time nurse due to a medical condition. We had a wonderful Hatian nurse. We had her take him for a walk whenever the weather was nice. My child looks like a typical child, and the comments that were given ranged from, "is this child being kidnapped" which went as far as chaverim stopping them and interrogating the nurse. to the mother is irresponsible to trust her child with a black nanny, to must be rich, spoiled people, with a nanny and judgemental comments not worth repeating.
Stop judging other people's lives. You don't really know why family XYZ has non jewish help, or why they have to work etc..
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baby's mom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jul 02 2006, 1:20 am
MommyLuv wrote:
Staying at home with your kids all day is not for everyone.

If a woman is a happier person because she gets out the house and works, then comes home to her kids feeling accomplished and positive, her kids are much better off than if she were to stay home "doing the right thing" but resenting it.

I really don't think you can make broad generalizations about SAHM raising happier kids than working moms.

I have friends on both sides of the spectrum...

Some of the most balanced, secure and sweet kids I know have working moms who are utterly devoted to them when they are with them....

And then there are the kids who are neglected emotionally and even physically even though their Mommy is home all day.

No one here can judge what is really going on in someone's life or the quality of another woman's mothering.


Staying home (with your baby) may not be for everyone. Maybe being a wife is not for everyone? We learn to be a loving and caring wife. We learn to be a patient and loving mother who needs to be there for her child. Who said anything about it being easy? That's where the Torah comes in. We learn to refine ourselves and humble ourselves. OUr children teach us many lessons, especailly to humble ourselves.


Last edited by baby's mom on Sun, Jul 02 2006, 1:54 am; edited 1 time in total
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baby's mom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jul 02 2006, 1:32 am
happymom wrote:
Quote:
I think the bottom line is, that every mother has to think what will make HER a better mother, and stop looking at what everyone else is doing


I think a very importnat point is missing here. The bottom line is, everyone needs to think what will make her a better mother, and her baby a HAPPY CHILD!!


That's exactly what I was going to say Happymom!
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PinkandYellow




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jul 02 2006, 1:55 am
happy2beme wrote:
Quote:
MosheDovid'sMom wrote:
I work full time but exclusively breastfed until 10 mths, pump twice at work- and I'm giving my kid the message that even though I work, he is my priority bec even at work I will use my whole lunch break to pump so he can have benefits of mommy even when mommy isn't there.


Quote:
Queen wrote:
your pumping at work is bec. YOU want it to be good for baby. When you're not with baby, irrelevent of giving pumped milk or not- YOU ARE NOT THERE.

We give our babies our milk bec. WE know it's better for them. They need the breast just as much as they need the milk. Getting it from the bottle doesn't tell them Mommy cares about them.
I am not telling you you're horrible for working full time, but rather shedding some light on your comment

ACtually them getting it from the bottle does tell them mommy cares for them! maybe not when they're infants but when they're older (at 3 yrs old u can explain it if they see u doing it for a younger sibling & say u also did it for them or also they'll know when they're teenagers & young moms) how u worked hard for them to be happy & they do understand that u 'sacrificed' for them to be healthy & good.

plus, an infant tastes the diff between formula & breast milk. there is a level of comfort for them to taste breast milk even if mom's not there.


Thumbs Up Exactly.
It's not what you do, but how you do it.
Quality vs quantity.
How can the kids be happy if the parents aren't happy?
It takes a happy and content mom to raise a happy and content child.
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shalhevet




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jul 02 2006, 2:09 am
mommyabc123 wrote:
Here's what I always wondered...

What about the mothers who leave their children on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur with non-Jewish nannies so they could go to shul?


This all comes back to the spirituality of raising our kids. It just shows mixed-up priorities if a woman thinks Hashem wants to hear our prayers in shul, instead of taking care of His precious neshamales. Of course, some women may have a good arrangement so that they can be in shul a bit. For many years I went to shul only for the shofar and maybe some of mussaf and sat outside so my kids wouldn't disturb. And on YK not at all. Now that I have older daughters I can be inside for some of the davenning. But it all comes down to thinking 'where does Hashem want me to be now?' and not 'where will I feel good being now?'

The same as far as working. Are you really doing it because it's the best thing for your family? (I would include a woman who's going to be frustrated being at home all the time, as well as financial necessity) Or because of selfish motives?
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