DD's......lackings

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

DD's......lackings

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chocolate moose

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 1:09 pm

She's almost 17 and starting to test the waters - just got a slit skirt, wants to wear too open tops and no tights.

Should I refuse to take her places dressed that way?

healthymama

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 1:17 pm

comliment her when she wears clothing that you like. That skirt makes you look thin. That top is really pretty.

Mitzvahmom

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 1:25 pm

SaraG wrote:

She's almost 17 and starting to test the waters - just got a slit skirt, wants to wear too open tops and no tights.

Should I refuse to take her places dressed that way?

maybe offer to take her to a fabric store to get "dress" up the skirt (aka add fabric to the slit)... Maybe for the shirt offer the same thing with something dressy to add to it or sticky stones (something so she's dressing it up and not u).

All I know is that the more your negative aboutsomething, the more they want it..

preggymama

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 1:25 pm

My mom refused to pay for clothing that weren't up to her standard of tznius. I don't know if this applies in your case, and whether your daughter has her own money and is already buying her own stuff. But when I started "testing the waters" this put a stop to it...

amother

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 1:28 pm

You should not pay for clothing that are untznius, but if I were the one rebelling and and you made a deal over it, I would stick to my guns even more and move further in the wrong direction.

Amother, so you'll let your kids still date mine one day Rolling Laughter

soonamommy

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 1:34 pm

Sara,
Do her friends dress that way?

healthymama

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 1:40 pm

Quote:

Amother, so you'll let your kids still date mine one day

I like this line. LOL

shalhevet

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 1:46 pm

To answer the original question:
I think I would only refuse to take her if it's a place where it's inappropriate to dress that way (e.g. a chareidi event etc). (I would make this quite wide I.e. whatever could possibly be considered so)

Then it's not like you're getting at her, but it can be "I'd really like to take you, but I don't think it's appropriate there."

Crayon210

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 1:49 pm

What brought on this change?

TzenaRena

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 2:16 pm

SaraG wrote:

She's almost 17 and starting to test the waters - just got a slit skirt, wants to wear too open tops and no tights.

Should I refuse to take her places dressed that way?

From many things you've written, it sounds like you have a great and really close relationship with your daughter . I don't think it would rock the boat if you let her know your standards.

Are you and your husband united on this? Because it helped me alot with this issue, that my husband put his foot down, and spoke to my daughter very firmly, and effectively.(He is a teacher, and good with discipline and chinuch.) Even though she would sometimes get teary eyed, she couldn't be defiant with him. We always gave her the message that because we love her so much, we care too much to allow her to dress improperly.

If you are the one who is better with discipline, then it's MHO you shouldn't be afraid to tell her no. ( If it was me, I'd tell her she has to return the skirt. Or I would take it to the seamstress to put in a kickpleat.) And I wouldn't give in on the other stuff either.

If you are thinking that it might cause her to be more rebellious, I don't see kids becoming more tznius'dik or frum from their parents tiptoeing around them not to confront them about these things.

chocolate moose

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 2:46 pm

Yes, her friends are like this.

It’s mostly shopping and with them, not to shul or school events, for sure!

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 3:02 pm

My parents wouldn't buy clothes they didn't agree with. If I bought them myself, they wouldn't let me out with them on.

Maybe explain to your daughter why these clothes are not good for her, even if her friends wear them (if they do).
The best argument my mom found with me, was that it gave a false image of who I was, reducing my efforts in frumkeit to 0, and that it would frighten serious boys. Now, I do think it was exagerated, but at the time it gave me a doubt and "when you doubt, don't do it".

soonamommy

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 3:12 pm

SaraG wrote:

Yes, her friends are like this.

It’s mostly shopping and with them, not to shul or school events, for sure!

Is there anything else about her friends that you don't approve?

chocolate moose

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 4:00 pm

Well.............

I like her friends but they aren't chassidische.

Her clothes are perfectly tsnius but she "treifs" them up by unbuttoning the tops, etc. and taking off her tights....

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 4:13 pm

SaraG wrote:

Her clothes are perfectly tsnius but she "treifs" them up by unbuttoning the tops, etc. and taking off her tights....

I know what you mean. I can't help much, but I want to tell you you are not the only one in this struggle, and at least you know what is happening and it is not behind your back.

When my dad lived in Jerusalem, in a very frum area, he was the neighbour of a very frum rabbi. One day the daughter of the rabbi asked him if he could drive her somewhere, he was surprised but accepted. When they were out of the neighbourhood, she asked him to stop, she entered a café and went out dressed in mini skirt and open top, her tsnius clothes in a plastic bag. It was in the 60's.

I also personally know of chassidish sem girls who take off the tights, open the tops or put the skirts higher than on the waist to make them short when the parents are not around, or just wear short sleeves and will put a sweatshirt over when the parents come back. One of these girls is also the daughter of a very choshuv rav, and from a very famous sem.

Sorry I can't help more...

I want to add, maybe you should have an open heart talk with your daughter, and also that shidduch time often makes them stop.

Crayon210

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 4:19 pm

Ruchel wrote:

and also that shidduch time often makes them stop.

This is not necessarily true, unfortunately...sometimes it makes it worse. Sad

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 4:21 pm

Crayon210 wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

and also that shidduch time often makes them stop.

This is not necessarily true, unfortunately...sometimes it makes it worse. Sad

In fact you're right. It depends on what kind of boys they are interested in. If they want a frum guy, they will stop, but if they don't care about his being frum they won't...
This topic makes me so sad.

Crayon210

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 4:22 pm

It's not always necessarily what kind of guy they want; lots of times there's pressure on the girls to look so attractive that it often crosses the line of appropriateness and is actually contrary to halacha. Sad

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 4:30 pm

Crayon210 wrote:

I think I understand. But won't a frum guy reject a girl who would dress contrary to halacha because she wouldn't fit his idea of a good wife? Or maybe when they will be married he'll nicely tell her he would rather she stops wearing this or that?

Crayon210

Mon, Jul 17 2006, 4:35 pm

Unfortunately, a lot of men aren't well versed in the halachos of tznius and the severity of not keeping tznius, and they often like to be seen with wives who dress inappropriately. Sad

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