Privacy | Imamother

Motek

Sun, Apr 30 2006, 11:55 am

Ruchel wrote:

Hello, my name is Ruchel, I’m 21 and French. I got married very recently and I live with my husband in my parents’ house.

interesting!

your husband doesn't mind?

do you have a separate apartment? do you have meals together or separately?

Ruchel

Sun, Apr 30 2006, 6:01 pm

Motek wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

Hello, my name is Ruchel, I’m 21 and French. I got married very recently and I live with my husband in my parents’ house.

interesting!

your husband doesn't mind?

do you have a separate apartment? do you have meals together or separately?

My husband gets along very well with my parents, there is no problem at all. We are only staying until we find an apartment we both like but he said that if I wanted to stay more he was totally ok.

We dont have a separate apartment but a floor for us (the house has 4 floors). We dont have our own kitchen but we would eat together even if we had.

amother

Wed, May 10 2006, 11:41 am

I could handle living with my parents because they really do give us our own space and everyones married or out of the house.

My inlaws, I couldnt live by no matter what. We spent a month there and it was way more than enough! Since my husband is one of the oldest theyre still learning the meaning of giving their married children space and they still have a lot to learn...

chen

Wed, May 10 2006, 12:26 pm

Hinei mah tov u-mah no-im sheves achim gam yachad! Where we live, there are numerous examples of parents and married children, or married siblings, living in the same apt. bldg--though not the same apt.--to the mutual benefit of all. there is even one celebrated case of some three or four married brothers, all of whom live happily in the same building.

However, such success definitely depends on the personalities involved. Respect of borders is absolutely essential--but what constitutes a border also depends on the individual. Being in each other's faces does not work well for people whose cultural upbringing or personality demands greater distance. Even within a single family, different members can need different levels of privacy.

No question that cultural norms affect expectations. Where three families share a single apartment, privacy means something very different than it does in a place where most people live in a single-family home with a separate bedroom for each child. A person who always had his/her own bedroom can sometimes have a hard time adjusting to sharing a room when s/he gets married, even though the roommate is the love of his/her life, whereas a person who shared a room with several sibs may be thrilled to be sharing with just one other person.

Mitzvahmom

Wed, May 10 2006, 8:52 pm

As a BT, it's impossible for me to live with my family. Yes they are respectful, but I doubt they would kashur their home for us.

I tried living with my mom, after I left my ex. I think we lasted about 2 weeks. My kids were constantly asking why Grandma get's to eat milk and meat together, got to be too much.

Now that we are out they call her the half kosher Grandma, because she keeps things in her home we can eat (of course off of paper plates)

nicole81

Wed, May 10 2006, 10:54 pm

my father lives with me. he isn't religious but has been going through chemotherapy and needed a place to stay that was closer to the hospital. he's constantly criticizing religion and making fun of holidays and trying to point out what he sees as hypocrisies left and right. it's very taxing and we've been arguing A LOT, but I try to keep his condition in mind and tread softly, try being the operative word. living in close quarters makes living harmoniously even more difficult, so I'm taking a bigger apartment so we can all have our own space. this comes at a big price, but it's worth it for all of our sanity.

Motek

Thu, May 11 2006, 10:20 am

That's a big and hard mitzva nicole! Is it possible to have a conversation with him in which you say you will not argue anymore as it's not respectful and it gets all of you upset? What if you said that in his condition especially, he needs to be positive and constant criticism isn't going to help him get better?

"I could hardly handle staying with my parents this past Pesach" - Defy, if you were in a separate apt. but having the meals together, would that be altogether different? Were the accommodations (I.e. privacy) the problem, or that you just don't get along?

Motek

Tue, Jul 11 2006, 11:26 am

Ruchel wrote:

We are only staying until we find an apartment we both like but he said that if I wanted to stay more he was totally ok.

it's "all the advantage and no inconvenients" for me to live like that...

Then why look for an apartment?

Quote:

We dont have our own kitchen but we would eat together even if we had.

Who does the cooking?

amother

Tue, Jul 11 2006, 12:33 pm

I feel that privacy.........is very good for your marriage !

I feel that you should take time out to be away alone with your hubby!

my friend is a shrink and she sets aside one night to be with her

dh .She calls this "DATE NIGHT"

I think this is wonderful for her relationship wit her husband.

chen

Tue, Jul 11 2006, 1:10 pm

Like anything else, privacy needs are partly born of general social expectations and partly hard-wired into the personality. Conditions that existed several generations ago were not necessarily ideal, and just because our grandparents and great-grands managed to survive a certain way of living does NOT mean that it was a good way to live! Why do you think Jews at the turn of the century fled by the millions to the US from Europe--because life was so good east of the Prime Meridian?

(As my friend reminds me when ppl mourn the disappearance of the "old Lower East Side"--the LES was a SLUM! living conditions were deplorable, overcrowding was kept in check only by the epidemics and starvation that swept through on a regular basis, infant and child mortality was sky-high, and people did whatever they could to get of there as soon as they possibly could. )

You may thirst for privacy, but when the choices are give up your privacy or starve, most people choose life. It doesn't mean you don't need privacy. Many people did without warm clothing, sleep, even food--and somehow survived. People survive without family, without friends, and without love. It doesn't mean they don't need those things.

That being said, social norms will of course affect an individual's expectations. Americans are shocked when they go to Europe and discover that in some hotels you have to share a bathroom with other lodgers, yet Europeans accept this as a matter of course. That doesn't mean that Americans actually need private bathrooms.

Ruchel

Wed, Jul 12 2006, 3:45 pm

Motek wrote:

Then why look for an apartment?

Well, because when we will have children with G-d's help, they'll have to be on my parents' floor (in the guest rooms) and it won't be practical for us as there is only one big room on our floor. My parents also want dh to "invest" his money and not let it all unuseful in the bank.

Quote:

Who does the cooking?

My husband does for me and him, my father does for mom and him. Sometimes my father will do for all.