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Do you agree with the "Just Laugh!" theory?
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hadasa




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 29 2010, 3:06 pm
I just read an article by Sarah Chanah Silverstein about one Friday afternoon, 45 mins before Shabbos a million things went wrong in her home and she, instead of getting upset or angry, decided to see the humor in the situation and started to laugh. Now, I agree that this was probably the best strategy in this situation, but nevertheless, I had mixed feelings about the article. I think this stems partially from the fact that my husband is big on the "rather laugh than cry" theory, to the point that sometimes when I hear him laughing, all my alarm bells start ringing "SOMETHING'S WRONG" (like when he called to tell me he'd torn something in his leg when I was five days overdue) and I refuse to laugh along with him when things go wrong.
This somehow reminds me of when I was about eight and went to get a blood test, and my sister started telling me a story to distract me. So I davka refused to be distracted and as soon as the needle went in, started crying hysterically. With my kids I prefer to say honestly, "It will hurt a bit, but you're going to be a big girl and you'll try not to cry."
Am I wrong? Should I allow myself (and my kids) to be distracted and laugh away difficulties? Is there no advantage in facing difficulties, acknowledging that they're hard and then dealing with them? Am I just making things harder for myself? Can YOU "just laugh" things away?

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this...
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 29 2010, 3:13 pm
The point of laughing is not to "laugh it away", but more to see the positive side of it. As far as trying to distract when a person has pain, it doesn't mean the pain is not there, but like it says, distract so the pain won't be so bad. Think women in labor.

This is all talk...I'm not good with laughing things off, but I'm trying Wink .
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 29 2010, 3:17 pm
I just want to add:
The night before I was flying a few months ago, I broke my foot. Mind you, I was 6 months pregnant Rolling Eyes . Even though I was in extreme pain, all I could do was laugh. It was just too funny. In the end, it worked out well because everything went very smoothly and quickly because I was pushed in a wheelchair and we avoided all the lines. Smile
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amother


 

Post Wed, Dec 29 2010, 3:36 pm
I don't necessarily "laugh" when things go wrong, but I definitely try to look at the bright side of it, rather than yell and scream about something that already happened and I have no control over. An example would be when I recently returned home from the hospital after a three-hour surgery. It was erev Shabbos and the house was upside-down in every sense of the word. My daughter came in and said that her car which had just been repaired broke down again, and she was in tears. I told her, better the car than ME who just had surgery. B"H the doctor was able to repair my problem, a car can always be replaced. And when shortly thereafter my kitchen sink sprouted a leak...I said the same, let the sink leak as long as I'm all put together. My theory is always to look at the bright side...and I believe it really helps in keeping my family less stressed out.
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c.c.cookie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 29 2010, 3:47 pm
I completely believe in the "just laugh" theory. And I don't just mean seeing the bright side. I even advocate "just laughing" if it means horrible, black humor in the face of real troubles. Because I think the actual act of laughing is good for you. It really makes you feel better - not because you're "ignoring" your problem, but just because that's what laughter does. Correct me if I'm wrong those of you who are more knowledgable than I am - but doesn't laughter produce hormones that relax you?

Very often I'll say, "Okay, I can either laugh or cry. I guess I'll just laugh." Other times I choose to cry, and that's sometimes therapeutic also. But overall, I never feel as good when I cry as when I laugh.
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hadasa




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 29 2010, 3:52 pm
I was actually also thinking about labor. I don't distract myself during labor (at least not when it gets really hard), I davka focus on the contractions and breathing through them (although the breathing might also be considered a kind of distraction). I get annoyed at distractions coming in from the outside.
OTOH, at the dentist's I do distract myself by reviewing Pirkei Avos or Tanya by heart. So maybe I'm not against distractions per se, as long as I've consciously agreed to be distracted. The same may be true with the laughing - I might be able to see the humor in the situation if that's MY decision, but I get resentful about others minimizing my difficulties.
As for the story with the broken foot... Hmmm... Maybe you and my dh are related... Or is that a common reaction to injury?
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 29 2010, 3:59 pm
Other people telling you to laugh off your problems is another whole ball game. We want sympathy or empathy. We can laugh at ourselves, but don't you dare laugh at me Exploding anger .

I didn't exactly laugh when I hurt myself. My dh was getting frustrated, so I was more "laughing" so he wouldn't get so upset. Don't ask why he was upset when I was the one who injured.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 29 2010, 5:07 pm
hadasa wrote:
I just read an article by Sarah Chanah Silverstein about one Friday afternoon, 45 mins before Shabbos a million things went wrong in her home and she, instead of getting upset or angry, decided to see the humor in the situation and started to laugh. Now, I agree that this was probably the best strategy in this situation, but nevertheless, I had mixed feelings about the article. I think this stems partially from the fact that my husband is big on the "rather laugh than cry" theory, to the point that sometimes when I hear him laughing, all my alarm bells start ringing "SOMETHING'S WRONG" (like when he called to tell me he'd torn something in his leg when I was five days overdue) and I refuse to laugh along with him when things go wrong.
This somehow reminds me of when I was about eight and went to get a blood test, and my sister started telling me a story to distract me. So I davka refused to be distracted and as soon as the needle went in, started crying hysterically. With my kids I prefer to say honestly, "It will hurt a bit, but you're going to be a big girl and you'll try not to cry."
Am I wrong? Should I allow myself (and my kids) to be distracted and laugh away difficulties? Is there no advantage in facing difficulties, acknowledging that they're hard and then dealing with them? Am I just making things harder for myself? Can YOU "just laugh" things away?

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this...


Are you going to write an Letter to the Editor of the Nshei about her article ?
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Kayza




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 29 2010, 8:10 pm
hadasa wrote:

Am I wrong? Should I allow myself (and my kids) to be distracted and laugh away difficulties? Is there no advantage in facing difficulties, acknowledging that they're hard and then dealing with them? Am I just making things harder for myself?

Yes, you are wrong. If you want to make your life harder, go ahead. But not allowing your children this means of dealing with difficulties is not fair. If your husband just laughed, and neglected the problem, of course you would have a real issue. I'm also not advocating lying to your children or springing things on them. But, there is absolutely no advantage in dealing with problems in the hardest way possible, which is what you are talking about.

Part of dealing with problems in a healthy manner is developing coping mechanisms, and distraction is a very good one. Also, people of that "better laugh than cry" school are far easier to be with and far more likable than people who insist on "facing" and focusing on difficulties, as long as they do go ahead and do what needs to be done.
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Kayza




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 29 2010, 8:15 pm
hadasa wrote:
but I get resentful about others minimizing my difficulties.

That's a very different issue - of course one shouldn't "just laugh" at SOMEONE ELSE'S problem. But, while, say, laughing at someone ELSE because they look so hysterical waddling because of a broken foot is totally improper, laughing at yourself does no harm. Not everyone can do that, of course, and that's perfectly ok. I see no advantage in being able to do so, but refusing to do so, because you "have to face problems". What exactly do you accomplish by that?
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amother


 

Post Wed, Dec 29 2010, 8:36 pm
hadasa wrote:
With my kids I prefer to say honestly, "It will hurt a bit, but you're going to be a big girl and you'll try not to cry."



Why can't they cry? If it hurts... Cry!! who does it hurt if they cry? Why is not crying being big?? Big people cry...


As far as laughing. My husband and I are usually able to laugh things away if they are laughable otherwise I know Hashem knows what's best for me and I choose to see it that way. Why be upset when something is really good for me. It's like crying cuz I'm getting the refuah I need... (using the mashal of a parent giving their child medicine.) Do I cry? Sure all the time.. I'm human! I don't believe in telling someone not to cry.. Crying is healthy emotion.. It's all over the Torah do you hear anyone saying no to cry? Aside from Shabbos and Yom Tov... Cry away!!

Dancing Smileys
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hadasa




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2010, 12:10 am
amother wrote:
hadasa wrote:
With my kids I prefer to say honestly, "It will hurt a bit, but you're going to be a big girl and you'll try not to cry."



Why can't they cry? If it hurts... Cry!! who does it hurt if they cry? Why is not crying being big?? Big people cry...


As far as laughing. My husband and I are usually able to laugh things away if they are laughable otherwise I know Hashem knows what's best for me and I choose to see it that way. Why be upset when something is really good for me. It's like crying cuz I'm getting the refuah I need... (using the mashal of a parent giving their child medicine.) Do I cry? Sure all the time.. I'm human! I don't believe in telling someone not to cry.. Crying is healthy emotion.. It's all over the Torah do you hear anyone saying no to cry? Aside from Shabbos and Yom Tov... Cry away!!

Dancing Smileys

Of course they can cry if it hurts. That wasn't my point. My point was letting them know beforehand that it can hurt, so they'll be prepared to deal with it, not pretending it won't and trying to distract them.

No, I'm not going to write a letter to the editors. As I said, in the situation presented in the article I agree that laughing was the best thing and it actually helped her deal with the problems in a relaxed and positive way. I have no issue at all with the article. What I'm trying to understand is the reason for my mixed emotions when I read it.
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hadasa




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2010, 1:14 am
Kayza wrote:
hadasa wrote:

Am I wrong? Should I allow myself (and my kids) to be distracted and laugh away difficulties? Is there no advantage in facing difficulties, acknowledging that they're hard and then dealing with them? Am I just making things harder for myself?

Yes, you are wrong. If you want to make your life harder, go ahead. But not allowing your children this means of dealing with difficulties is not fair. If your husband just laughed, and neglected the problem, of course you would have a real issue. I'm also not advocating lying to your children or springing things on them. But, there is absolutely no advantage in dealing with problems in the hardest way possible, which is what you are talking about.
Ah, but you see, I don't think I'm like that. I really don't consider myself a person who takes things "in the hardest way possible" and I don't think people who know me think of me that way either. So that's why I'm trying to understand my reaction to the article.
Quote:
Part of dealing with problems in a healthy manner is developing coping mechanisms, and distraction is a very good one. Also, people of that "better laugh than cry" school are far easier to be with and far more likable than people who insist on "facing" and focusing on difficulties, as long as they do go ahead and do what needs to be done.
Yes, I totally agree with that and I thank G-d every day I'm married to one.

So after reading people's responses here and doing some thinking, one of the conclusions I've come to is this : What makes me wary when people try to distract me or laugh things off, is a suspicion that maybe the situation is really bad, much worse than I realize. That's what happened when I was a kid. My sister was trying so hard to distract me, I figured something really awful was going to happen. The same happens when my husband starts laughing or giving major pep talks - I wonder what horrible reality he's trying to cover up. Fear of the unknown, you know?
OTOH, when I know exactly what the problem is and its ramifications, then I'm ready to deal with it in whatever way I can, including distraction, looking at the positive or humorous side, etc.

Just playing armchair psychologist with myself, thanks for helping me figure things out...
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sneakermom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2010, 8:12 am
Laughing is a terrific coping mechanism. My father came from very difficult circumstances (holocause background so much death etc.) and his whole family has terrific sense of humor, yes it's a black gallows kind of humor but it is really really funny. And if you can't laugh you might just fall apart and become depressed.

But laughing can also be a sign of an emotional deficit in a person. Some people can't tolerate bad feelings in themselves or others. So for example if their toddler stubs their toe and cries, they laugh out loud in response. Hoping to "distract" the baby from the pain. But in reality they are confusing and invalidating the baby. It's a distorted response.

It's important to have a full range of emotions. When it hurts you can feel pain. When the pain gets too much...you can laugh. But you need to be able to tolerate both. You can't wave away bad feelings with laughter. And you can't deny the humor of a situation either.

Whole people can both laugh and cry. If someone is particularly anti crying and always laughing when other's hurt themselves or they get hurt then they are blockiing out negative feelings in order to feel well and good. They probably experienced great trauma from a young age that is being repressed or they never got adequate empathic responses in life.

But someone that can feel pain....but laughs when things get a bit crazy. That can be a good coping mechanism and such people are easier to live with. They at least make it funny.
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Liba




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2010, 8:27 am
Laughing is great. I would rather laugh than cry about disaster. Crying makes my feel worse and laughing helps clear my head and makes me feel stronger, more at least and ready to cope with the situation.

Once I dropped a two liter bottle of raspberry syrup on my kitchen floor. It was a plastic bottle and it shattered. Every single cabinet, top and bottom, the floor, the ceiling, the ceiling fan and the window on the far side of my kitchen were covered. I was covered.

I couldn't stop laughing. I called my sister in law to tell her and she couldn't understand what I was telling her since I was laughing so hard. I laughed for hours as I cleaned it up.

We are still laughing over the story.

I have smiled and laughed my way through my cancer journey as well. I had one highly recommended surgeon who was awful. He was a third opinion and he kept on contradicting the other doctors and I had questions and he refused to answer them. I was so upset that it was laugh or cry and I wasn't giving him that kind of power. So I laughed and I was okay. The doctor on the other hand was not used to not having the power and got upset. He actually told me "this is cancer, it is serious, not something to laugh about."

I learned loud and clear that he wasn't my doctor, but I also wasn't scarred and upset about the experience. It was ludicrous and funny, not upsetting and sad like it would have been if I had chosen to cry instead of laughing.

Laughing works. It keeps me sane and smiling. Life is depressing enough as is without wallowing in it.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2010, 8:37 am
Laughing is good if you can't change things anyway.

But I'd also be annoyed if someone tried to make a bad situation funny for me. I'm fine with finding the humor for myself, but I wouldn't want my dh to be like "hey the funniest thing just happened, I got called up to reserves for the week before your final exam," that would just make things worse.

If things can be changed, I think that sadness or frustration or rage or whatever other negative emotion is actually a better response than laughter. Better, meaning, more likely to lead to productive behavior.

Also, if there's emotional healing to do, pain will probably need to be involved at some point. Laughter is good for soothing things over but it's not enough in and of itself.
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2010, 9:33 am
I think distraction is a great way to minimize anxiety which often makes pain worse.

ETA: I laugh in bad times if I can afford to. If not, I don't appreciate laughter at the time.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2010, 10:25 am
hadasa wrote:
I might be able to see the humor in the situation if that's MY decision, but I get resentful about others minimizing my difficulties.

I realized just this morning that I do that with my kids sometimes. They get hurt or something happens in a funny way, I automatically laugh, then I ask them if they're all right. When they say, it's not funny, I tell them that it's not funny that they hurt themselves, but the way they did, it is. Usually they end up seeing the big picture and agree with me.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2010, 1:17 pm
Totally. As a kid I would laugh when I fell and skinned my knee, at least until the pain got bad enough to make me cry. In a way it's counterproductive because others will accept your cheerful assessment of the situation and not bother to help you. Who gets all the attention and help, the princess who shrieks and moans when she gets a lash in her eye, or the stoic who grits her teeth and smiles when she breaks a leg?


Nevertheless, I believe that smiling, laughing and accentuating the positive affects your own perception of a situation for the better, thereby actually making it better. There may be a biochemical component to it, smiling or laughing releasing endorphins or whatever they are, and negative thought releasing stress hormones.

As the adage goes, the pessimist may be correct in the long run, but the optimist enjoys the trip.

Norman Cousins was cured, wasn't he?
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2010, 1:21 pm
Laughing at someone else's distress? Never! First rule of etiquette every child learns, or ought to, at his mother's knee.

Laughing at your own distress? First rule of survival every child learns, or ought to, at his mother's knee.
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