questions for SAHMs

amother

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 10:03 pm

how does it work for you? Does your husband give you a certain amount of money per week? Or do you just take from the bank at your will. What about credit cards?

Really, how clean is your house? Do you have a cleaning lady come in? If so, how often? If not, when do you get everything done? How much does your husband help out?

And finally, how old are your children?

I want to start staying home. After I pay for daycare, I only make $50 a week. It doesn't make sense. But my husband says he will cut up all my credit cards and give me $20 a week "allowance." He also expects the house to be spotless every night when he comes home. I think this is an unrealistic expectation.

I'm not sure if the allowance includes what I need for the kids; I assume not. If that's the case, $20 seems stingy, but I don't see why I would need more. But he also thinks that if he works and I don't, he's entitled to sleep late and nap all afternoon on the weekends. Like raising little kids isn't work, too Rolling Eyes

I appreciate any answers, because I'm planning on showing him this post so his expectations are realistic.

stem

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 10:29 pm

Why would you think that $20 is enough to cover all your weekly expenses?!

Your husband shouldn't have to give you an allowance just because he's the one making the money! Would you dole out his time with the children just because you are their primary caregiver?
Marriage is a partnership: one works for money while the other takes care of the children, and everyone benefits...

Now to answer your questions:
I use our debit card as often as I need to, keeping in mind the budget that we have.
I don't have cleaning help, I try my best to keep the house in order during the day, and my husband helps with the nightly cleanup. My house is not spotless but I don't expect it to be.
My kids are 2 and 4.

Bell

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 10:44 pm

I am not a SAHM but I feel compeled to answer ur q:
#1-- ALLOWANCE?!?! what r u--10 yrs old? You are married for goodness sakes, ur $ is his & his yours. While I agree its def not worth it to work for $50/ WEEK, if you are on a budget then presumably u r a responsible adult and u can be careful with ur $.
#2-Running a household is basically a 2 part job--caring 4 kids/household & making $ no matter who does what (yes there r stay @ home dads & working moms & believe me those SAHD dont get a allowance!) ur home/ur marriage is a JOINT partnership, u need to work together--ALWAYS!
#3-Raising kids is harder then working outside the home. I work & I dont know how ppl stay home --its much harder-- so if anyone should be napping--its u!
GOOD LUCK!!

yoyosma

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 10:50 pm

Just wow.

Anyway, I dont get an allowance, I use the debit card like stem does when I need it.
My house isnt spotless, and used to be a wreck. I got a cleaning lady in my last trimester, and now have one once a week for four hours.
My house isnt always in order, usually its pretty cluttered what with toys etc, but its not dirty either. Dishes dont always get washed as soon as I would like them to be.

As for your husband expecting a spotless house and naps on weekends, does he think you are sitting at home painting your toenails? Leave him a few days with the kids and see how he does. When your kids are ch'v sick or up all night, who stays up with them? Does that person get to make up the hours of sleep they lost?
As for dinner, which you did not ask about, more often than not its mac and cheese. I have a newborn who nurses every 1-2 hours and that doesnt give me a lot of free time.
DH takes out the garbage, does some of the bathing of the kids, helps with grocery shopping, sweeps and cleans off the dining table most Motzei Shabbosim.
I have a newborn and a 4 1/2 year old, BH.

btw- I am typing this as I nurse.

Last edited by yoyosma on Sat, Aug 26 2006, 10:56 pm; edited 1 time in total

MinnieMa

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 10:55 pm

Some husbands tend to not realize how much effort and work it takes to be a SAHM. I don't have that e-mail- but if anyone has it that can share-- it shows how a SAHM is everything plus!!!!
In terms of allowance, I feel like it's something that should be discussed, not set in stone. Some weeks you will need more than others-- and depending on your budget, you and your husband should decide on that.
Cleaning help- it depends what kind of person you are, and if the kids are home with you all day or in playgroup. I have cleaning help once a week, it helps me allot- then again, my husband is not the type who expects the house spotless and the supper waiting on the table when he's home.
Whatever decision you make should be with hatzlacha. Just remember marriage is a joint effort, and by you deciding to be a SAHM doesn't make you any less of a person, just because you aren't bringing the money into the home. SO many times I tell my husband that I really should get a job, because I feel like I just take money and don't work for it. He says my money is your money, and you are taking care of the baby and house which makes him really happy.

amother

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 11:11 pm

I think he's setting these terms to deter me from staying home. He sees it as lazy. He also thinks it's better for someone else to take care of the kids all day just for that extra bit of money. I guess I wish I knew this before we got married.

Oh and I agree staying home is much harder than working. Last time I went back to work after maternity leave, my workload was lightened by about 1000%.

I have another question: in the winter, what do you do with your children all day so they're no bored?

sheshycoco

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 11:20 pm

I think all of us telling you our stories, is all very nice, but won't really help you. SPEAK to him when you are calm, and you think he is in a more sensitive mood towards you. Spell it out to him, if you are really sure about stopping work which makes sense), tell him, exactly what you will be doing at home. Tell him how much he'll be saving having you at home, cleaning, cooking, kids and you much happier, work out some kind of a salary you'd have to pay, atleast for part of it, then ask him if he is really being reasonable with the
$20 allowance. It seams to me that he is not normally like this as you do have credit cards now, and he apreciates that you don;t overspend. He obviously thinks you really should work, and is just using it as a threat. Obviously I am guessing, if it going to cause alot of stress on your marriage, I am guessing you would chose to avoid that (although I have no idea of you situation). It seams to me, that he just needs explaining to a bit. It could be he is just used to you working and doing everything else, that anything different, means you aren't doing enough. For me, although I don't know about the other people who posted, my husband is used to me staying at home and only doing a bit of work here and there, aswell as his mother being a stay at home mother. It is all what they are used to. You will have to really discuss this and come to a dicision you are both happy with.
Good luck, and men are sometimes impossible, I am sure you'll ocme to a conclusion soon.

amother

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 11:31 pm

I'm a sahm dh works comes home with the money, I pay the bills so I know how much I can spend no allowance for me if anything he is the one that makes an allowance for himself, cleaning help I have 2x a week a total of 5 hrs. My house is no where near spotless during the day, Usually after the kids are in bed I clean up & sometimes I don't dh appreciates when it is clean but won't make a fuss. Staying home is tough work let him try it. good luck

TzenaRena

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 11:48 pm

amother how old are your children? It sounds like your childcare expenses are high.

For miscellanious expenses I probably need 20-30$ a day. There is always a trip for one of the children to pay for, school supplies, a sefer that is needed for school/Yeshiva, 5$ for the committee that is collecting for a teacher baby gift, or Chanukah gelt for teachers, hosiery for me or my girls, ink or paper for the computer.

I think you probably would be better off doing some work from home. I worked part-time from home during the last nine years, and it gave me the pocket money I needed, without childcare expenses. Admittedly, meals and other things weren't on the best schedule during my work's busy season, but it was a better choice for me than leaving my children with babysitters.

Esther01

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 11:50 pm

for every couple things work differently. some women love staying home with their kids while others don't. you gotta see what works for you.
I think the issue with the allowance is that he want you to have a value of the hard earned money he is bringing home, but if you have worked for money before you have that value...
if I ever want to splurge on something (don't really happen much), I will ask dh before if it's ok with him... (it usually is, but I still like to ask)
I am a SAHM, yet my oldest went to playgroup at age 2 because I had a newborn then and needed my quiet mornings. my second one I only sent her out when she begged to go to school like her older sister.
I have cleaning help.. she cleans the bathroom and floors basically. I do the laundry, cooking, playing with the kids, bathing, and regular day to day cleaning. my dh is very understanding if I ask him to help with bath and bed time... he also helps with evening clean up.
all in all your dh gotta understand that it's not easy to be a SAHM, chinuch of your own children is the hardest job of all.... and the house wont always be spotless... but it's worth it, your kids will be happier and so will you.

red sea

Sat, Aug 26 2006, 11:56 pm

I'm not an accountant but wouldn't you be making more $ staying home?

If all the cash you get out of your job is 50$ a week after babysitting and travel or whatever, not working might lower your tax bracket and save you more than 2500 a year, plus you'll have free child care aka mothers dont cost greenbacks.

Ive tried both ways and sahm is much harder. Youre house will be messier for all the extra use it gets. You end up a bit starved for adult interaction if you dont have other sahm's around.

The 20$ allowance (IF its budgeted money for your personal use for extras ie manicures type of thing) should make you feel good enough. But the house being clean when he comes home sparkling daily is a BIG FAT HALLUCINATION unless its also within your budget to have 9-6 help 5 days a week (which I know of - yes - some pple are lucky that way). But why would he cut your credit cards up? He doesn't trust you to care for the family's interests when it comes to financial well being? Or is it just his way of flipping out at the thought of lost $?

As a sahm I spend most of the day being the MOM part, not cleaning & cooking. One of the things I do take care of while being a sahm IS all the family finances, and I never would manage to accomplish all the cleaning w/o any help from someone dh or paid help - no diff., I am not such a balabusta.

Re the sleeping and not caring for the kids..wouldnt you be jealous if ur spouse always had the leisure to wake up late and you NEVER did cuz you had to be on time to, but come on , the 2 of you need to be together on such a decision, and if you both decide that's for the better, he needs to get over that......but still when dh is at work you are the "day care provider" and when you are both home you both are parents. You will moreso need a "break" from the kids to recharge and refresh your energy than when you work and are looking to catch some quality time with them when you are home.

But like I said you should really check with your accountant if staying home would cost or save you money all together.

Last edited by red sea on Sun, Aug 27 2006, 12:02 am; edited 2 times in total

red sea

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 12:07 am

yoyosma wrote:

Quote:

.wouldnt you be jealous if ur spouse always had the leisure to wake up late and you NEVER did cuz you had to be on time

And if the kids are up at 6 am?

lol, yoyo, but jobs dont sleep in on rainy gray mornings.

I think its just a thing about working, like working pple enjoy a day off to stay home 1000% more than sahm's do.

I think its the idea and chance of it more than the actuality. I am not saying her dh should suddenly become a late sleeper to get even but rather saying the sentiment is understandable, but is something to get over.

micki

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 12:42 am

this makes me sick to the stomach. he really said all that?
you nned to talk to him about respect. are you not worth anything if you don't bring in money? are you not trustworthy if you stopped working? you get an allowance? thats insane.

I know this is harsh and I am sorry but his comments are so off the wall.
do you agree on everything else in your marriage? or is this the only point you disagree on?
how old are YOUR kids?

Last edited by micki on Sun, Aug 27 2006, 12:51 am; edited 1 time in total

su7kids

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 12:49 am

I haven't read all the posts, but my suggests are:

Make a family budget. Work out how you can stick to it.

Ask your husband if you can maybe TRY it for a while.

I was a SAHM for about 20 years. It was a sacrifice, financially, but my kids loved it. Once they were all out of the house during the day, I was volunteering at school, and that helped with tuition.

You MAY be able to do smething at home to bring in the $50 difference that would be missing if you go out to work (after day care). Research shows that IF YOU CAN BE HOME WITH YOUR KIDS, they do better in many ways.

In a marriage, there is a partnership. Since he probably doesn't do YOUR work when he comes home, you should have to go out and earn.

He is probably very scared about how things will be if he is the only breadwinner, and that is hard for many men.

I know she may not be popular to all, but Dr Laura is very pro sahms and has a major page on her website dedicated to it. Don't know if I'm allowed to post a link, I'll try -- if the moderators want to remove it, its her drlaura.com page, and there's alink. http://www.drlaura.com/sah/sahm.html

There are ideas of how to cope, ideas of how to many money while you're at home, and its very suportive.

I think your husband's gut reaction may be fear, because t least even if you're not bringing in mega bucks, he feels like your'e contributing.

A spotless home is unrealistic, even if you're NOT at home. Unless he helps.

But happy children??? That's attainable.