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Questions for SAHMs

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cutiemom

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 1:11 am

I just started working out of the house this week for the first time since my baby was born more than 1.5 yrs ago! My husband is currently looking for a job so he said he could watch our baby until he gets a job because why pay for babysitting... Let's just say he says he has no idea how women stay home and watch the kids all day because he is so tired!!

I happen to think the allowance is a good idea - but not the way your husband made it sound. We live in a 2 income society, yes. but according to the Torah it is his job to work and your job to take care of the children and the house. Therefore, I don't think he should make you feel guilty for bringing home $200 less a month when we all know the only thing that can probably pay for is maybe electricity if you live in an apt!!!

The reason I think an allowance is a good idea is because when I was home all that time I did not have an allowance and sometimes I would go out for a walk and to do grocery shopping and I would walk by the pizza shop and be tempted to buy some pizza. Or I would "forget" to bring my drink because I wasn't thirsty right then, but then I needed to buy a drink when I'd been out for a long time and not close to home yet...

My house was a lot cleaner before I went back to work this week, but being that my baby is not even 2 and has been walking for a veeeerrry long time (he started really early) he is quite fast (many times faster than me!) and he can mess up a clean room very quickly.

I think it is hard to work when you are barely making money, but I also think that you need to have some schedule so that you do clean, organize, and play with your kids during the day. Otherwise you will get bored pretty quickly because you won't want to clean and you'll have nothing else to do.

Good luck!

amother

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 1:16 am

I have been a sahm for 9 years. With the addtiion of each child, we have experienced new challenges and everything gets reorganized in terms of the houshold.

I do not have an "allowance". I simply know what needs to be purchased and I shop. Whether it be in stores, catalog or on-line, I purchase what needs to purchased. My dh trusts that I will not go overboard..and I don't. I know how to control my spending and don't go on shopping sprees. If I need something special (a new dress, for example) I ask my dh when an ok time to purchase it is. Recently, we had to REALLY control spending as we had a few extra expenses that we had not counted on. I know that now is not the time to go shopping for a new dress! We communicate often about how much is in the bank and how much can be spent. DH checks online to see how much is in the bank. We don't have credit cards.

As for household management, I have a cleaning lady twice a week. She does all the scrubbing. We started out with help once a month, but as the family grew, we are now at twice a week. I am not good at heavy scrubbing. (Once when we were first married it took me an hour to mop a small kitchen floor) DH used to do a lot of the tasks, but once he was out of kollel and working his time became much more limited to help out. So, now the cleaning does the work. We both prepare for the cleaning lady. Since we live in a house, he does the downstairs, I do the upstairs. He is much better at doing the dishes, so he does that. I do all the laundry...washing, folding and putting away. He is a big help and knows there is no way I can do everything myself.

My Dh helps with the older kids. With newborns, their care is solely in my hands. He is not comfortable taking care of little ones under 18 months-2years. Due to his work hours, I do dinner, homework and bedtime alone during the week.

Although he likes a clean house, it is certainly not spotless. With 6 kids, I'd need a full-time maid for that. I try to clean up after the kids have gone to bed and before he gets home.

My kids are 9, 7 1/2, 6, 4. 22 months, and 3 months

challi

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 3:53 am

I think that an allowance EARMARKED FOR YOU is a great idea. As a sahm (which also means that we have only 1 income) if not for my weekly allowance I probably wouldn't take money out of the general pool of money for myself. Even $20 a wk to spend on yourself can really make you feel like a mentch.

Being a sahm is 1000% harder than working in another job you can leave it behind , but a sahm is 24/7 and you job is NEVER done. I got myself a job out of the house for 4hrs a week just to get a break. LOL

(it doesn't help money wise but it does provide adult interaction)

Its important to remember that even if you are at home which to many would seem already like a vacation (what kind I don't know Confused

) you'll still need down time/time to yourself and vacation time, just like any job.

As for the house being spotless, don't count on it unless you have older kids at home that can help out after the younger ones are asleep. I have a friend whose house is always spotless (plus she has 11 kid k"ah) but I'd say she's the rare exception, plus her girls help out ALOT. I have a while to wait till my house is spotless my baby is only 9 mnths and is more intent right now on wrecking it than cleaning it. Oh, and my husband helps out a lot!

As I said before I work minimal hrs just to get out of the house and it really only covers the babysitter right now, plus a little. I completely understand where you're coming from though about it not being worth it to work from a financial perspective.

happymom

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 9:09 am

Quote:

I want to start staying home. After I pay for daycare, I only make $50 a week. It doesn't make sense. But my husband says he will cut up all my credit cards and give me $20 a week "allowance." He also expects the house to be spotless every night when he comes home. I think this is an unrealistic expectation.

I agree that isnt realistic and I think u should talk about that with him..... anyways I am a sahm. I clean up, wash dishes, fold laudry and daven when my baby takes her 2 hour nap. if it doesnt all get done, I either finish at some point during the day when shes playing happily by herself, or after she goes to sleep at night. I try and make sure things are clean, put away, garbage taken out at night so that I will wake up to a clean house. thank g-d my husband helps alot so that makes it easier.

as far as money, we made a chesbon of how much money we make and split it up that I I use a certain amount of money on whatever I need. of course if there is something I really need and we went over I still buy it but its a good way for us to stick to our budget....

sheshycoco

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 9:12 am

It seams smart happymom.

chocolate moose

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 9:42 am

I wouldn't call 20 a week allowance; maybe "discretionary money" is a better term.

I think all couples need a little fun money that they don't have to account for.

of course, reading tht Tuition thread, I wonder how many can actually do that, as I spent so many years living paycheck to paycheck..

Tefila

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 10:16 am

Honestly amother conc the amount that you would have to sit down with your husband since only you and him know your finances. If he can spare more that would be great but whatever that amount it should be exclusivley your own not for the kids clothes etc imo.Remember it is his chiyuv try to give you some anyway, there is no well you do this so I will do this b/c in that case it's less then 5.00 aday.

Now did he say he wants the house spotless or clean tidy but livable b/c spotless is all relative and can mean dusting, polishing furniture and not a crumb anywhere ever insight .That also makes a diffeference and last but certainly not least you are both in this together you have both been given kids to love and raise incl changing bathing feeding homework with etc. If he wants a happy calm wife and a spotless house perhaps you need extra help wether it is him or a cleaning women.

imaamy

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 10:37 am

I think your husband thinks of you more as a housekeeper if you stay home. Explain to him that you will be busy with the kids and will do the best you can. But if you can go out with friends, get clothes and coffee on $20 a week, please send me your money-saving tips.

red sea

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 10:40 am

imaamy wrote:

But if you can go out with friends, get clothes and coffee on $20 a week, please send me your money-saving tips.

wouldnt clothes belong in the primary budget? not considered extras?

happymom

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 10:42 am

also, a cleaning lady even once a week helps alot. if your husband thinks u can do it all on your own, obvioulsy he doesnt realize that its very hard when with kids to clean spotless every day.... so a once a week cleaning lady full cleanup, mop, bathrooms etc helps SO MUCH!

amother

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 11:22 am

We talked some more last night and he decided it's ok as long as the house is picked up at night, and we could have cleaning help to do the scrubbing, etc. every 1-2 weeks. Although my oldest is 1.5 and he's pretty wild, so I can see myself having to do most of the picking up after he's in bed.

There seems to be 2 camps concerning the $20/week. I guess I can try it and see how it works. But I still think leaving me without credit/debit cards is a bad idea and can be dangerous.

yoyosma

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 3:40 pm

Yeah, I agree.
You need more than $20 on you at a time.
I think its unreasonable for him not to leave you with even ONE credit card for emergencies. You arent a child who is going to run up a huge bill ordering power rangers online or something.

shoy18

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 4:10 pm

$20 a week is nothing, if you had a credit card or something on you at all times it is feasable but without anything but 20 is a bit pushing it.

I stay at home and take my son everywhere I go so if its food shopping or any other errands I need acess to money anyways so I never understood the allowence thing anyway

stem

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 4:28 pm

My bil's rebbi told him that he could realistically expect only 2 out of 3 to happen when he comes home from work in the evening:

1. happy children
2. supper ready
3. house cleaned up

He talked it over with his wife and they both came to a decision that #1 & #2 were more important than #3 at that point in their lives.

If your husband insists on a spotless house when he comes home, it will most likely mean that the kids will be screaming, or that supper will be late. You can't have it all.

happymom

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 4:50 pm

Quote:

There seems to be 2 camps concerning the $20/week. I guess I can try it and see how it works. But I still think leaving me without credit/debit cards is a bad idea and can be dangerous.

I dont think its a good idea either. why wouldnt he let u have one???? shock

is thios a control issue?

busymom

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 5:23 pm

I think that besides for the issues in working out all the practical stuff, dh needs a major attitude change. Not only should he understand all the hard work that goes into being a SAHM, but he should also APPRECIATE the fact that you will be taking care of your kids and giving them the kind of attention that is impossible to receive when they are one of a crowd in daycare. And yes, doing that IS more difficult than leaving them in someone else's hands and spending the day among adults at some workplace.

Here's my story:
Cleaning help once a week to wash bathrooms/floors. I do dishes, laundry, etc.
Although dh brings home the $$$, I pay the bills and always know how much money we have. If I need some, I take it. I'm not a spender - far from it - but I don't need "permission" to buy stuff we need or just go out with a friend on occassion. $20 a week sounds like an amount that would have been reasonable twenty years ago. What is that supposed to include? How would you buy groceries, clothes, diapers, household items? I can understand someone going on a budget if they're big spenders and must learn to get their shopping sprees under control, or perhaps if there is a financial crisis, but otherwise?? It's everyone money!
And for the other question, dh works long hours at a pressuring job. I don't expect him to help with any household chores, but he does help out during bedtime if he's home (I have three. The oldest is 6.) But he definitely understands and appreciates all that I do for the family, and THAT makes all the difference.

red sea

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 6:47 pm

OP- can you clarify? What is the 20$ for exactly?

extras

or basics like food, transportation, clothes?

imaamy

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 9:36 pm

In amother's second post on the first page, she says she thinks the $20 is for her clothes, coffee, or time out with friends. I think it wouldn't go very far toward all that!

chocolate moose

Sun, Aug 27 2006, 9:52 pm

$20 isn't a lot for even thrift store clothes! maybe she means for tights.

Meema2Kids

Mon, Aug 28 2006, 4:27 pm

Maybe $20 a week is all they can afford for discretionary money.

DH and I both get a monthly allowance, it's been this way since we got married, when we both worked full time and even now when I work part time. It comes out to about $20 a week for each of us and yes I can buy all my clothes, etc. with it and by being frugal and saving up I just bought myself a new digital camera. Very Happy

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