Stigmatized | Imamother

amother

Mon, Jan 17 2011, 1:12 pm

Do you feel like your child's school has stigmatized your child?

My 4 year old has behavioral issues due to a combination between language delay, impulsivity, sensory issues and boredom. (the material is stimulating. He just completes it fast and hates having to wait around while everyone else finishes...) Whatever suggestions the school has given us, we've taken. Psychologist, ot, speech therapy, shadows... And it's been getting better slowly... But it's sort of like 3 steps foward, 2 steps back..

He's been this way for about 2 years. Almost every other day I get a call from his school saying there's been an "incident." He hit someone. He bit someone. He had an accident. He had a #2 accident. He ran away from the morah. He started a food fight. Etc...

Now that he has a shadow though, I get the whole story... She tells me that for example, the food fight began with another child throwing food at mine and of course, he felt like he needed to retaliate. Or like the other day when he pushed a kid into the wall and didn't get to have any birthday cake (there was a birthday that day) it was because the kid pushed him first, and he just happens to be stronger...

The girl he's working with is just observing this week, so she can't really interfere. But she's opening my eyes. It's not always him! And guess what? there are worse behaved kids then him!

And yet, when people hear my kids name, they all go "oooohhhh... Yeah, I've heard of him...." or "Oh he's the one who ran away right? wow... you've got your hands full huh?"

I'm just sick of it. No one invites him over for playdates. No one has us over for shabbos anymore. All because of his reputation, which is really not a fair one. He's so funny and sweet and cuddly and it's just not fair to him. It just hurts me so much that people don't see that.

I can't switch him yet bc it's the only Jewish pre-school where we live. There are a number of elementary schools, but for preschools, this is really the only one and we can't switch right now...

Does anyone go through this too? Any advice? Chizuk?

morah

Mon, Jan 17 2011, 1:45 pm

Your son sounds a lot like my brother. My brother did end up in a non-denominational private school and getting private tutoring for limudei kodesh, unfortunately; my mom's not happy about it, but even with a million and one yeshivas (we're talking NY), she just couldn't find an acceptable program for him. In any event, it seems you have a really good shadow who's looking out for your son, so keep that line open. It sounds like you're not in NY (you do mention limited schooling options), so I don't know what the rules are in your state, but if you can, get some home therapy. My brother had this amazing OT who used to come to the house, and she did a lot of work with him on social skills- these kinds of kids are often less attuned to social cues and vibes being transmitted around them, and end up having trouble interacting with their peers, seem 'off' (even to other young children) etc. You should focus on teaching him to read social cues, basic etiquette, handling frustration in public; if you have an event coming up, and you're worried about his behavior, spend a couple of weeks preparing him for it. I remember, the lady who worked with my brother would also prep him for big events- like leading up to my wedding, she got him ready to handle sitting quietly through the chuppah, not going nuts when strange relatives came over to pinch his cheeks or whatever, eating nicely during the meal, smiling and posing nicely for the pictures, etc. If you work on the social stuff now, he will eventually 'get it'. my brother is now 10, still a little 'off', but has some friends and is not a total outcast and does well in school. He still gets some behavioral coaching.

amother

Tue, Jan 18 2011, 9:06 am

btdt, hugs! I used to hate picking my son up from school, the whole class would say your son did this and this and then I would hear from the morah. we got him help etc. the teacher told me don't bring him to class wait until the seit came in. it was really hard. I was so stressed and he would pick up the vibes from me. and he would act up even more. it was hard to see the good in him.

my kid got in trouble a lot of times b/c someone else started it and he fought back, I told him tell the morah if someone does something. the seit really helped and we are working on social behavior. if someone makes fun of you ignore it walk away etc... his morah also helped she gave him time to calm down outside the class if he needs it. bh he is a lot better he is in first grade now. I do see an improvement.

mom & more

Wed, Feb 23 2011, 12:47 am

amother wrote:

[marq=right]

I am in the same boat as you!!!!!

My ds age 4.5 is having the same issues for the second year in a row (when he was in pre-nursery it wasnt so bad!!) I feel like crying!! Crying

I am b"H not having any issues at home and when he has company he does amazingly well!! Smile

His therapists claim that because of my son's personality, it is not affecting his social life. He is also doing really well when he works one on one with his therapist. I had my son's vison, hearing etc checked and b"H is all is well (after removing his infected tonsils and adenoids - which I heard could be a major cause for behavioral issues) The principal is recommending that I take him to a psychiatrist to put him on medication, but after discussing it with Relief and some other professionals, including a psychotherapist, they did not think that it was the correct route to take. A full neuropsychological evaluation was recommended, however, it is a HUGE out of pocket expense, which I want to make sure is what I am looking for. Idea

:I am still in the process of doing research (my mil panicked when I told her that we were thinking of going for this eval) so if anyone can give me any guidance, I would REALLY appreciate it! At wits end

the school claims that I am in denial and I dont really understand what is going on with my son Confused

imasinger

Wed, Feb 23 2011, 8:04 am

In terms of school, do the people who work there feel heard by you? When they tell you of problems, do you respond in a way that takes them seriously? (For example, sympathize with the disruption to the class, ask them what strategies they have tried that have worked, and what hasn't worked, ask for data about what appears to trigger incidents, share with them what you are doing at home, etc.) Maybe they can suggest something less expensive than a full neuropsych eval, like a meeting with a good developmental pediatrician or something.

In terms of community, you might want to try inviting other kids to your house to play with your kid. Once other families see that their kids are enjoying the experience, other parents are much less likely to profile you. (However, if there are problems, you may still be in the same boat...)

Social skills classes, when done well, are very helpful for some. It takes a while, though.