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Essay, Please Read And Critique (But Not Too Harshly)
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MommyZ




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 12:35 am
I'm posting my latest and final essay for my winter session Contemporary European History Course. Please let me know what you think about it.

Here is the assignment topic:

This is an opinion question....Please agree or disagree with the following statement and explain why: “The horrors wrought in this century, especially seen in two world wars and the Holocaust, make clear that the Enlightenment’s vision of humanity and human nature was simply incorrect, and we should abandon it completely.”

Here is my essay:

The twentieth century was a bloody and tumultuous time, particularly the first half which included the First and Second World Wars and the rise to power of several brutal totalitarian regimes. These governments were responsible for the murder of millions of people, and the displacement of still many more whose homes and lives were destroyed in war ravaged Europe. In the wake of such colossal brutality exhibited on such a large scale one can’t help but question whether the spirit of the Enlightenment which had so animated Europe was simply a dream that could never come to fruition. One might even question whether that spirit had any enduring validity if on the same soil where those great thinkers had walked such gave atrocities could take place.

The main theme in the Enlightenment was the questioning of all knowledge and all assumptions. It was believed that only through science and reason could we understand ourselves and the world around us, and that it was our duty to attempt to gain as much knowledge as possible. The betterment of the individual and the advancement of civilization at large was thought to depend on it. Immanuel Kant wrote in his essay, What Is Enlightenment?, “Dare to know! Have the courage to use your own intelligence! is therefore the motto of the enlightenment.”

So that begs the question- how can a person believe in the endurance of the wisdom that was life-force of the Age of Enlightenment? A large segment of the European population was willing to throw it all by the wayside and embrace ideologies that were in direct conflict with those espoused by the great Enlightenment thinkers. These ideologies such as Stalinist Communism and Nazi Fascism denounced individuals exploring their own rational minds through independent though in favor of groupthink. The zeitgeist in post-Enlightenment Europe shifted from the rational and scientific to the emotional and dangerously illogical beliefs of Hitler and Stalin. These beliefs led in large to concentration camps, labor camps, and a nuclear arms race between the Soviet Union and the United States.

Although my gut reaction to studying the two World Wars and the Holocaust was to succumb to the belief that the Enlightenment movement died along with the fallen of those gargantuan military conflicts, I felt that it wouldn’t do the matter justice. I searched deeper within my mind and soul to try and discover whether that reaction was a logical one or merely an emotional reaction to reading about and viewing pictures and videos of the numerous dead bodies of those who were victimized in the military conflicts of the first half of the twentieth century. With Kant’s words echoing through my mind I felt that a simplistic response to such a complex question would not do it justice.

Another thought occurred to me upon contemplating this issue. In my opinion, neither Hitler nor Stalin truly attempted to enact their brutal world visions in the name of the Enlightenment. While they did live in the same place and commit atrocities in the same area where the Enlightenment thinkers wrote their great works, they were not their intellectual successors. The twentieth century did see the tragedies of World Wars I and II but it also saw brave soldiers give their lives to liberate others. It saw civilians risk their lives to save the lives of strangers under threat to their own lives. Although many surrendered their minds and souls to the illogical and irrational mind frame that swept across Europe, there were still some who resisted that. In the face of these great tragedies they clung to rationality and logical thought.

This notion, that even when the masses are willing to abandon the ideals of the Enlightenment there were still some who were willing to risk life and limb to preserve the ideals of freedom and democracy gave me hope. Although the world is still plagued with suffering and tragedies still occur I refuse to give up faith that there is potential for growth and improvement. As long as there are individuals who will take the words of Immanuel Kant to heart and “dare to know,” there is hope that values of the Enlightenment will continue to guide and inspire despite the past and continuing brutality in this world. We must continue to search for answers to both new concerns as well as old ones in the spirit of Enlightenment which adjures us to never be satisfied with the knowledge that we have attained. As long as we continue to question our long held assumptions and search for the truth amidst all the fallacies of this world we can use the insight and understanding of the Enlightenment to guide ourselves and the world to new heights.
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 12:42 am
How can the example of Stalin be appropriate here? There was never an Enlightenment in Russia. Indeed, one of the reasons Russians are so willing and happy to succumb to any tyranny (whether that of Czars, Communist dictators, or Putin) is because there was never a Renaissance, a Reformation or an Enlightenment there. The Russian Orthodox Church, always willing to cooperate with any tyranny, has never had its authority challenged. Sure, some rulers like Catherine admired certain French philosophers, but they never let it go far enough because they were afraid of the people challenging their absolute authority. Czar Alexander II freed the serfs, and you could say he was an enlightened man, but he was just one individual. The majority of Russian history is one dictator after another. Stalin fit in rather well.
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MommyZ




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 12:48 am
sequoia wrote:
How can the example of Stalin be appropriate here? There was never an Enlightenment in Russia. Indeed, one of the reasons Russians are so willing and happy to succumb to any tyranny (whether that of Czars, Communist dictators, or Putin) is because there was never a Renaissance, a Reformation or an Enlightenment there. The Russian Orthodox Church, always willing to cooperate with any tyranny, has never had its authority challenged. Sure, some rulers like Catherine admired certain French philosophers, but they never let it go far enough because they were afraid of the people challenging their absolute authority. Czar Alexander II freed the serfs, and you could say he was an enlightened man, but he was just one individual. The majority of Russian history is one dictator after another. Stalin fit in rather well.


You make a valid point there but I had a feeling that my instructor would want that included in the essay although my brain is a bit muddled at this time of night so perhaps that is miscalculation on my part. Were there no intellectuals in Russia who studied the works of Voltaire or Rousseau or the other great Enlightenment thinkers? I didn't think that simply mentioning the Nazis atrocities would suffice as Stalin was just as much of a murderous thug as Hitler was if not more so.

It was not my intention to imply that the Enlightenment took hold in Russia rather that the brutal crimes committed by Stalin in addition to those committed but Hitler and the Nazis could easily cause someone to question the continued relevance of the Enlightenment philosophy on western thought and why I feel that in spite of all this it is still alive. Also if I may clarify, when I wrote that they lived in the same place I mean the same general region, Europe (or Eurasia if you prefer) and not literally the same specific location.
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 12:57 am
Stalin was one murderous thug all right. But your points have to support your argument. So they have to be relevant.

Yes, there were many intellectuals in Russia who admired Voltaire and Rousseau. But these ideas never "filtered up" to the powers that be, however intellectuals tried to influence the rulers. For example, Radischev wrote "A Journey from Petersburg to Moscow" trying to call attention to social inequalities and the plight of the serfs. Catherine responded by exiling him. He committed suicide. This is a typical story.

The question in Russia is not "why were these ideals betrayed?" but rather "why did these ideals never take hold in the first place?"

I think that if you're going to discuss the betrayal of Enlightenment ideals, you will have to stick to Western Europe.
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MommyZ




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 1:00 am
sequoia wrote:
Stalin was one murderous thug all right. But your points have to support your argument. So they have to be relevant.

Yes, there were many intellectuals in Russia who admired Voltaire and Rousseau. But these ideas never "filtered up" to the powers that be, however intellectuals tried to influence the rulers. For example, Radischev wrote "A Journey from Petersburg to Moscow" trying to call attention to social inequalities and the plight of the serfs. Catherine responded by exiling him. He committed suicide. This is a typical story.

The question in Russia is not "why were these ideals betrayed?" but rather "why did these ideals never take hold in the first place?"

I think that if you're going to discuss the betrayal of Enlightenment ideals, you will have to stick to Western Europe.


This has given me much food for though. I appreciate your insight. I hope my grade will not suffer because of my oversight on this matter.

Why do you believe these ideals never took hold in Russia? Is it sociological or geographical or something else entirely?
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 1:22 am
I think it's because there never was a Reformation. The authority of the Russian Orthodox Church remained unquestioned. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

In Western Europe it was the tension between Protestantism and Catholicism that made the Enlightenment possible. The Reformation set in motion the process of questioning and searching for truth.

Disclaimer: I've never taken a college-level history class.

You have a very fluid and convincing writing style and you make a good argument, but you need more points to support it. So far, all you seem to bring up to support your thesis is the fact that many people risked their lives for others during the wars. Human courage is admirable and has always been considered a virtue, but it hardly speaks to the truth or stability of Enlightenment ideals.

Perhaps the rapid and effective process of de-Nazification in Germany is something you could bring up? Or, more recently, Salman Rushdie's story?
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MommyZ




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 1:32 am
sequoia wrote:
I think it's because there never was a Reformation. The authority of the Russian Orthodox Church remained unquestioned. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

In Western Europe it was the tension between Protestantism and Catholicism that made the Enlightenment possible. The Reformation set in motion the process of questioning and searching for truth.

Disclaimer: I've never taken a college-level history class.

You have a very fluid and convincing writing style and you make a good argument, but you need more points to support it. So far, all you seem to bring up to support your thesis is the fact that many people risked their lives for others during the wars. Human courage is admirable and has always been considered a virtue, but it hardly speaks to the truth or stability of Enlightenment ideals.

Perhaps the rapid and effective process of de-Nazification in Germany is something you could bring up? Or, more recently, Salman Rushdie's story?


I think my conclusion is a bit more nuanced then simply that human courage supports the continued validity of the Enlightenment philosophies. On the one hand I won't consider them dead and buried on the other hand there is a potential for them to remain alive if we continue to follow in their footsteps by continuing to question ourselves, our beliefs and the world around us. I don't think I can give a definite answer whether or not in the long run the Enlightenment will be deemed dead but that I don't think that the twentieth century rendered it completely irrelevant.

I would provide more support but I doubt my instructor would appreciate it as I have already written more then she asked for. Also this is an opinion piece and I'm hoping she will be a bit more lenient then she was on her other essays.

I think your analysis is brilliant and had I read it before I submitted my essay I would have revised it.
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leomom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 1:46 am
Your writing overall is strong and sophisticated. But there are a few issues (I hope I don't come across as harsh - just trying to be helpful and to the point!):

1. It takes you much too long to get around to stating your opinion. In an opinion essay, ideally your point of view should be made clear by the end of the first paragraph. (The last sentence of the first paragraph is a classic place for your thesis statement.) Certainly by the second paragraph, the reader should not be wondering how you feel about this issue. As a teacher of mine was fond of saying, it's not a murder mystery.

2. In paragraph 3, you paraphrase the essay question and expand on it. This gives important context to your thesis, but it should be right at the beginning (with a bit of tweaking so it makes sense as an opening). Then what you have as paragraphs 1 and 2 can be used to give additional details and context afterwards (and after you have already made your thesis clear). The way you have it now, the beginning reads more like a simple historical synopsis and the reader has to go through four whole paragraphs before getting to your opinion or even really knowing that this is meant to be an opinion piece.

3. You've misused the expression "begs the question." Google it! Smile In any case, what you mean is "That leads to the question" or "That forces the question," etc.

4. When you do state your opinion, it should be stated in the present tense - how you feel, rather than how you felt, about this issue.

5. I'm not a fan of writers sharing their thought process that led them to form their opinion; I think it weakens your position and sounds amateurish. Instead, state your view assertively, and leave out the "at first I thought... but now I think...." In other words, I would OMIT all of paragraph 4 and the first sentence of paragraph 5! Really! You can still include the valid points from those paragraphs, but use them to build up your argument by rebutting them after you state your opinion; otherwise you're giving the reader the feeling that you might not really know what you believe, but, well, here goes nothin'!

Even though I just picked some of the essay apart, I do think it's strong overall and just needs a bit of work. Good luck with this assignment!
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leomom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 1:47 am
Oops! I didn't realize you had already submitted this essay! But then why are you asking for critique?
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MommyZ




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 1:58 am
yy wrote:
Oops! I didn't realize you had already submitted this essay! But then why are you asking for critique?


I was anxious for feedback and didn't want to wait for my instructor to grade it. I can only hope that her analysis is a bit less critical then yours was Smile

It is an opinion piece. She is interested in our opinions and on how they were formed. I felt that since this was an online course and we have never had face to face discussions in class where she could determine my thought process in person it might be useful for her to know not simply what my opinions are but how I developed them.

I also informed her that my opinion was nuanced and that I am not certain about my beliefs on this topic. She said that shades of gray would be fine and that she is not insistent on the essay being black and white as the original assignment suggests.
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leomom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 2:24 am
OK, that gives a bit more of a picture of what the expectations are for this assignment. You can file away my suggestions for future essays!

Hatzlacha with the course.
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theoneandonly




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 5:54 am
MommyZ wrote:
She said that shades of gray would be fine and that she is not insistent on the essay being black and white as the original assignment suggests.

I'm not sure exactly what your instructor wants, because saying an essay can be gray is kind of odd. However, since you asked for our opinions, and you know that your instructor is not on Imamother, here's my two cents:
1. What exactly is your thesis? A question is not a thesis. Saying "one might question whether the Enlightenment ideals took hold" is not a thesis. A thesis is the Enlightenment ideals took hold, the Enlightenment ideals did not take hold, or Enlightenment ideals somewhat took hold (with a clear explanation as to what you mean). Again, since your instructor said gray is ok s/he may be more lenient on this, but that is one thing that struck me.
2. In all my history/writing classes, all the teachers stresses to never use first person. Yes, this is an opinion essay. But the fact that you are writing this essay shows that this is your opinion. There is no need to state what your thought process was or to use the words "in my opinion."

I hope this wasn't too harsh. I do think you write very well besides for those 2 points. (Oh, and I haven't written a college level essay in some time, so take my critique with a grain of salt Wink )
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Mirabelle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 6:28 am
Good job MommyZ! Very Happy

My only critique (which others have shared as well) is that it sounds a bit informal when you share your thought process in your essay. When I was in college/grad school I used to write things like "from another perspective, one could view X and Y as..." or "One could posit that xyz was correct, but from the evidence shown.."
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MommyZ




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 7:16 am
Please allow me to explain the long introduction and the informal perspective. It's an opinion piece and I felt that based on my instructor's critiques of my other essays I wanted to use this final assignment to prove to her that I had indeed been doing the reading assignments and am able to put pretty much all into context.

As far as my inserting my personal opinion and clearly stating that is is such- it's an opinion piece. She wants my opinion and this differs from the opinion that was a part of the closing paragraph of my WWII essay. I wanted to be sure that she would know the opinion was mine and that I hadn't used other sources to formulate my essay but had stuck to the reading that she had given as well as my thoughts and reflections on it.

Thank you all for reading my essay and for giving me your critiques. I will read them over again before I hand in another essay.
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leomom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 9:49 am
theoneandonly wrote:
MommyZ wrote:
She said that shades of gray would be fine and that she is not insistent on the essay being black and white as the original assignment suggests.

I'm not sure exactly what your instructor wants, because saying an essay can be gray is kind of odd. However, since you asked for our opinions, and you know that your instructor is not on Imamother, here's my two cents:
1. What exactly is your thesis? A question is not a thesis. Saying "one might question whether the Enlightenment ideals took hold" is not a thesis. A thesis is the Enlightenment ideals took hold, the Enlightenment ideals did not take hold, or Enlightenment ideals somewhat took hold (with a clear explanation as to what you mean). Again, since your instructor said gray is ok s/he may be more lenient on this, but that is one thing that struck me.
2. In all my history/writing classes, all the teachers stresses to never use first person. Yes, this is an opinion essay. But the fact that you are writing this essay shows that this is your opinion. There is no need to state what your thought process was or to use the words "in my opinion."

I hope this wasn't too harsh. I do think you write very well besides for those 2 points. (Oh, and I haven't written a college level essay in some time, so take my critique with a grain of salt Wink )


Yes, your first point is the same as what I said. But I disagree with your second point; in an opinion piece (only), one is allowed to use first person judiciously, to avoid awkwardness. Read any well-written opinion piece in a paper like the New York Times, and you'll see plenty of first-person used. That's OK.
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leomom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 9:51 am
MommyZ wrote:
Please allow me to explain the long introduction and the informal perspective. It's an opinion piece and I felt that based on my instructor's critiques of my other essays I wanted to use this final assignment to prove to her that I had indeed been doing the reading assignments and am able to put pretty much all into context.

As far as my inserting my personal opinion and clearly stating that is is such- it's an opinion piece. She wants my opinion and this differs from the opinion that was a part of the closing paragraph of my WWII essay. I wanted to be sure that she would know the opinion was mine and that I hadn't used other sources to formulate my essay but had stuck to the reading that she had given as well as my thoughts and reflections on it.

Thank you all for reading my essay and for giving me your critiques. I will read them over again before I hand in another essay.


I think what people are trying to say is that even with an opinion essay, there are guidelines and not everything goes. It sounds like your instructor may not be setting very high standards for assignments in this course, though.
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gp2.0




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 10:33 am
You could definitely use some commas scattered throughout the essay.
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farm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 4:59 pm
MommyZ, it's a tease for you to dangle this essay in front of us but then tell us you already submitted it. I'm itching to fix some typos and some stylistic stuff, and agree with some of the structuring issues others have commented on- things you could have tightened up easily without having to rewrite the whole thing- that would have made the finished product more polished. I hope you get a great grade and please give us some notice next time!
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MommyZ




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 25 2011, 9:24 pm
farm wrote:
MommyZ, it's a tease for you to dangle this essay in front of us but then tell us you already submitted it. I'm itching to fix some typos and some stylistic stuff, and agree with some of the structuring issues others have commented on- things you could have tightened up easily without having to rewrite the whole thing- that would have made the finished product more polished. I hope you get a great grade and please give us some notice next time!


I would have if I thought that so many people would be willing to help in this way. I would never have anticipated this kind of response. It's overwhelming, in a good way Smile.

Next time I will be sure to post the essay before I submit it.

This is not a writing course. It's a history course. I hope that she will treat it as such, although thus far she has been quite critical of my written work. I actually felt pretty good about this piece until I read the comments on here. Now I really don't have much confidence in my writing style or content.
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Mirabelle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 26 2011, 5:50 am
MommyZ wrote:
farm wrote:
MommyZ, it's a tease for you to dangle this essay in front of us but then tell us you already submitted it. I'm itching to fix some typos and some stylistic stuff, and agree with some of the structuring issues others have commented on- things you could have tightened up easily without having to rewrite the whole thing- that would have made the finished product more polished. I hope you get a great grade and please give us some notice next time!


I would have if I thought that so many people would be willing to help in this way. I would never have anticipated this kind of response. It's overwhelming, in a good way Smile.

Next time I will be sure to post the essay before I submit it.

This is not a writing course. It's a history course. I hope that she will treat it as such, although thus far she has been quite critical of my written work. I actually felt pretty good about this piece until I read the comments on here. Now I really don't have much confidence in my writing style or content.


When I was in college and grad school some professors really cared about writing skills (regardless of the subject) and some could care less. It's really the luck of the draw.
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