WHAT ARE OUR CHILDREN THINKING?

roza

Thu, Sep 07 2006, 6:46 pm

in other to determine what our children are thinking we need to ask more then 2 children, a thousand may be and divide them in groups depending on what kind of work the mother does, how many hours, how old and how many children are in the family and so on.

children always want more- it's normal, they are slowly learning the difference between WANT and MUST. (есть ХОЧУ, а есть НАДО, говорила моя бабушка)

ssbarnes

Thu, Sep 07 2006, 9:27 pm

When I had to go back to work, I hired a live-in nanny. I spent one year working full time and going to school full time studying programming with the hope that I would be able to find a job where I could make enough money to spend more time with my children.

I did get a degree in Comp Sci and I was working as a database engineer for a defense contractor. When my boys were at school, I was in the office. I only worked until noon on Thursdays so that I could volunteer at their school.

After they went to bed, I would log back into the office from home, to complete my work and spool my reports.

My boys had told me that Thursday were their favorite days of the week because they knew that day was meant for them and not my company.

A year ago, my husband transferred to an area with a lower cost of living so that I could stay at home. Even though it is cheaper to live here, we still wound up with more month than paycheck, so it was looking like I would have to go back to work. Instead I decided to start my own business and work from home.

The happiest day was when my son told his friend that I work around his schedule, not the other way around.

Ruchel

Thu, Sep 07 2006, 11:02 pm

ssbarnes wrote:

My boys had told me that Thursday were their favorite days of the week because they knew that day was meant for them and not my company.

This is a bit disturbing. They need to understand you are working for them, not for the company! Maybe telling them honestly what they would not be able to have if you didn't work would help... You're not exactly out there having fun. Confused

shoy18

Thu, Sep 07 2006, 11:25 pm

Motek wrote:

Maybe because in our frum society today it is no longer considered the ideal to "just" be a mother and girls are training for careers long before they have to work to "survive." And the frum schools are encouraging the girls in this way by providing them with career options.

this emphasis on college is only to make sure they can support thier learning husbands! so they dont have to take two jobs to make ends meet and they might have a little more fexibility in thier jobs if they are trained.

Personally I think a mother belongs home with the children and the husband is obligated to provide for his family. My father and all of his friends always managed to learn at nights or early in the morning and still hold a full time job so that thier wives could stay home. Is that so wrong? if thier is a will thier is a way and a truely dedicated guy can provide and still learn enough to be considered "learning"[/list]

Ruchel

Thu, Sep 07 2006, 11:50 pm

shoy18 wrote:

Personally I think a mother belongs home with the children and the husband is obligated to provide for his family. My father and all of his friends always managed to learn at nights or early in the morning and still hold a full time job so that thier wives could stay home. Is that so wrong? if thier is a will thier is a way and a truely dedicated guy can provide and still learn enough to be considered "learning"

I agree with you. But if only one parent works, doesn't he really need a good salary? Between the kosher food, the big apartment for a big family, school tuition for many children...
I have calculated that in my country the school price for a large family (well, 6, not 12 either) each month was equivalent to the salary of the average person in my country. shock

And I know people who had the choice: working mother, or public school...

happymom

Fri, Sep 08 2006, 12:04 am

Quote:

this is the way they feel and its understandable. they dont want to hear that...

Ruchel

Fri, Sep 08 2006, 12:11 am

happymom wrote:

Quote:

this is the way they feel and its understandable. they dont want to hear that...

Of course they don't want to hear it. I wouldn't say "live as if you didn't work for a few months" to teach them, or telling them you wouldn't work if they weren't there either... but I think this needs to be said over and over again, as soon as they start saying the mom is more interested in the company... it's just not fair for the mom, and also not a positive view for the children. Of course I suppose it won't work for small children unless they are very mature...be sure that in a few years they will probably be happy that the mother works (and that they don't have to deprive themselves, or start working at 14).

Imhappy!

Fri, Sep 08 2006, 11:12 am

[quote="happymom"]

Quote:

yes some have to work, but I think most if not all mothers who work feel guilty because everybody knows (at least deep dpown) that being with ure kids and taking care if the home is our job and what is best for our kids (and husbands.)

Ok I’m in the category of SOME my DH is taking some courses now (he was in kollel till now) so he should be able to have a decent job. Hopefully then I will be able to cut some hours.
There is a lot of guilt attached to be a working mother. Personally I do not see a big difference between myself and woman I know that shop all day. They too run to the bus. I from work and they from the mall or wherever. True my kids don't dress so well that’s b/c I don't have the money to buy local and the time to shop in the city.
My DD knows mommy's at work and she takes it very naturally.
My house B'h runs well just as well as non working mothers. I think I sit and play with my kids more than most of my friends working or not working and my kids get all the love I have.

Feeling secure and loved does not matter if the mother is working or not.
It the priorities that is the issue.

queenyemk

Fri, Sep 08 2006, 11:29 am

[quote="shoy18"]

Motek wrote:

And what about single mothers!!! esp. when the husband is not contributing funds to the daughter of a substantial amount!!

Take into consideration that unfortunately not all men can actually support there families to a large degree. My hubby unfortunately does not have the motiviation to work at a better job and is 1 reason we broke up and have seperated for while.

shoy18

Fri, Sep 08 2006, 11:31 am

[quote="queenyemk"]

shoy18 wrote:

Motek wrote:

My post had nothing to do with single mothers, nor was is talking about husbands who are incapable of working. I am sorry if you took offense but that surely wasnt my point.

queenyemk

Fri, Sep 08 2006, 11:36 am

I wasn't offended!!!
I am just trying to adjust to my new lifestyle and everyday when I leave for work, my little one is starting to cry cause she knows I won't be home for awhile. But when I pick her up I get this huge kiss and hug. It is the best feeling to be loved.
Knowing she misses me all day, eats at me. I just pray that this whole mess will be fixed, or that it will be easier to deal with.
I just wonder how she is dealing and interprets me not being there anymore, esp. as it is at the same time that her father is no longer around, except for 1 hour a week.

shoy18

Fri, Sep 08 2006, 11:45 am

queenyemk wrote:

Just make sure you precious baby knows she is loved and cared for, which Im sure she does. You have to do what has to be done and children understand that more than you think.

Motek

Sun, Sep 10 2006, 6:21 pm

Did you ever hear Chasida Flanders, a black giyores and a brilliant woman who worked as a space engineer for the Pentagon speak?

She was quite fascinating.

At some point (before she and her daughter converted) she was told she could have a job assignment anywhere in the world.

She was a single mother and she asked her then-ten year old daughter: Sweetie what do you want? do you want to go to Spain, France, Japan, CA?

Her daughter was used to her mother being in a high visibility position, her mother had gone on many business trips before and had provided her with many nice things, toys etc.

Her daughter's answer was: I want you.

That's what chasida wanted too and so she homeschooled and they gave up their lifestyle.

She said Hashem was with her and she sold her home and cashed out her entire retirement.

She had strong faith in G-d, and this was before she converted, and she knew that G-d didn't need her to work in order for her to do something for a charitable organization.

She was an extremely devoted mother and very spiritual. They read and studied Psalms and Proverbs together, daily! The things she said about chinuch were quite impressive. If you can hear her, do so!

amother

Mon, Sep 11 2006, 12:21 pm

(a little off-topic)
we must be careful how we present things to children. we never know how they will understand something that seems to us a simple concept.
(sounds obvious, right?....)

My husband is a 2nd grade teacher. Yesterday he noticed one of the boys wasn't concentrating (during Chumash). Again and again he tried getting him to focus, until the point that he has to tell the boy to go stand in the hallway for a minute until he comes to talk to him.
My husband asked the student in the hallway how come he's not participating in class, and he answered, "You're going too fast for me." My husband didnt think this was true, so he "tested" him by opening his Chumash and reading and seeing if he could keep up. He kept up just fine.
So my husband again asked him what's wrong, how come he's not concentrating. And he suddenly realized that the boy looked very nervous. My husband convinced him to tell him what was wrong. The student's answer was:
"Do you know what a Pidyon Haben is? today my sister is selling her baby to the Kohen!"
shock

(My husband managed to convince the poor kid that his new nephew would not suddenly disappear and belong to the Kohen and there is nothing to worry about.)

ssbarnes

Mon, Sep 11 2006, 1:01 pm

Ruchel wrote:

ssbarnes wrote:

My boys had told me that Thursday were their favorite days of the week because they knew that day was meant for them and not my company.

What is disturbing about it? That my children were honest with me. They are happy in the knowledge that they are more important to me than my job.

Ruchel

Tue, Sep 12 2006, 5:39 am

ssbarnes wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

ssbarnes wrote:

My boys had told me that Thursday were their favorite days of the week because they knew that day was meant for them and not my company.

What is disturbing about it? That my children were honest with me. They are happy in the knowledge that they are more important to me than my job.

If they really think so, why would they say that on Thursday you are for them and not for the company? They would just say they are happy you are with them, but not that when you are at work you are more interested in the company or not for them... I don't really understand that.

Motek

Tue, Sep 12 2006, 4:11 pm

amother wrote:

"Do you know what a Pidyon Haben is? today my sister is selling her baby to the Kohen!"
shock

(My husband managed to convince the poor kid that his new nephew would not suddenly disappear and belong to the Kohen and there is nothing to worry about.)

Oh, it's so good your husband pursued it! What a lucky boy to have such a concerned rebbi. He must have been SO RELIEVED!

by the same token at a recent bris in the family, my husband said that he blocked the view of the baby's 7 yr. old brother who didn't need to see a sight he could have found disturbing

healthymama

Tue, Sep 12 2006, 11:57 pm

Quote:

At some point he said, "I wish mommy would die so you can marry someone else and we could get a dog."

Sorry, I don't know why you brought this example. It is quite clear that there are other things going on there aside from Mummy working.

And from what I understand, most studies show that it is impossible to tell from a group of children in first grade or kindergarten, whose mothers stayed home, whose mothers breast fed them, whose mothers used cloth diapers, etc.