Constant meltdowns- how to handle

amother

Fri, Apr 08 2011, 11:49 am

I would love to know too! How old is your child? has this been going on for a while? My four year old tandrums constanly at home but is perfect at school. His teachers don't believe me! I try to give him sensory imput, and try to breathe and stay calm,( which dosent always last.) I also do put him into time out (which also dosent always help).
I have found with my older kids that if are more cranky then usual it is often an undiagnsed strep or ear infection.

the world's best mom

Fri, Apr 08 2011, 1:29 pm

It is common for preschoolers to be good in school and have meltdowns at home. They are exhausted after their long day at school. Every mother is different, and every kid is different. You have to find what works for both of you. Some general tips:

1- Meltdowns are not misbehaving, and therefore, children should not be punished for it. They are simply what happens when children are too tired to deal with life, or if they do not have the verbal skills they need to handle the situation properly. Even children who know how to talk perfectly often don't know how to come up with the right thing to say when they are bothered by simple things.

2- Stay calm. If you have a meltdown, that's no better than your child having a melt down. You are a grown up and you have to be able to stay calm and talk.

3- Show your kid that you understand that (s)he's upset and that it's okay to be upset. However, remain firm that crying will not get your child anything because it's the wrong way to deal with frustration.

4- Help your child come up with the right words to say. For example, "I see your upset. It looks to me like you didn't want your ketchup on your food. What can you do about that? Maybe you can ask me to give you more with only ketchup on the plate, but crying won't get you anything. As soon as you're ready to stop crying and ask nicely, I'd be happy to give you what you want."

5- If necessary, walk away and give your child time to cry it out. Then you can come back and remind her how to ask properly for what she wants.

amother

Fri, Apr 08 2011, 5:42 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

you are describing ways to handle a typical child having meltdowns. I think the question is how do deal with a child who has meltdowns several times a day.

Kayza

Fri, Apr 08 2011, 6:29 pm

1. Never give your child what he wants if he's (or she - but let's stick to one gender for writing) throwing a tantrum.

2. Make sure he is safe then walk away and do something else. If it's not safe to totally walk away find yourself something to do where you are but don't pay any attention to him (except to make sure he doesn't hurt himself.)

3. Get a thorough check up and evaluation. If there are any identified delays, deal with them ASAP. If you discover any issues, that could be contributing to what is happening.

4. Try to teach him how to verbalize what he wants and feels.

granolamom

Sat, Apr 09 2011, 9:48 pm

I respectfully disagree, kayza. while I know common wisdom is to 'never give the child what he wants while tantruming' you've got to know your kid. sometimes giving the child what he needs to get through the tantrum will not lead to further tantrums and will teach him he can rely on and trust you even when his behavior is at its ugliest. not necessarily that he can manipulate you by screaming. again, you've got to know the difference between a manipulative tantrum (I WANT THE COOKIE OR I WONT STOP SCREAMING UNTIL I GET IT) and a meltdown (screaming, etc, illogically without ability to reason at this moment in time).

anyway to answer the original question, what to do when everything you say causes a tantrum, say little! seriously. evaluate what you are saying, what absolutely must be said and how to best get your message across.
how old is the child? is this new or typical behavior? is it a personality thing or is the child going through a phase?

the world's best mom

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 12:16 am

amother wrote:

the world's best mom wrote:

you are describing ways to handle a typical child having meltdowns. I think the question is how do deal with a child who has meltdowns several times a day.

I would say this should work for all children, regardless of how often they tantrum. I have a dd who throws tantrums when things don't go her way. It used to happen several times a day, and I used this method to deal with her. Now as soon as she starts to get upset, I can usually prompt her to use her words properly. She has become used to talking instead of tantruming.

amother

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 12:50 am

DS is eight years old. How do I teach him to verbalize what he's feeling? Some of what he does is manipulative alot of it is not. I can't always tell which is which. His real meltdowns aren't manipulation, its life being too hard to deal with at that moment. Usually I run a hot bath fpr him to relax in and then he has another meltdown until he is inside enjoying and relaxing. He doesn't have enough verbal skills to tell me what he needs before he crashes. I tried ignoring it many times, he gets more and more hyped up and shrieks louder,goes more and more crazy. He is recieving many types of therapies, I am looking for practical tips until it all starts working on him,. I don't think he can manage a whole sentence before meltding down. I'm working on giving him code words to use when something is bothering him. So far we have "popcorn" means he's too crowded and "pizza" means he needs to leave the table and sit alone to eat.

Quote:

anyway to answer the original question, what to do when everything you say causes a tantrum, say little! seriously. evaluate what you are saying, what absolutely must be said and how to best get your message across.

I learned that the hard way. Nothing I say will penetrate the wall of shrieking.

Kayza

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 1:29 am

granolamom wrote:

you've got to know the difference between a manipulative tantrum (I WANT THE COOKIE OR I WONT STOP SCREAMING UNTIL I GET IT) and a meltdown (screaming, etc, illogically without ability to reason at this moment in time).

It makes no difference. For one thing, people need to learn how to not melt down. For another, if you think a child can't and won't go from using the "involuntary" meltdown behavior to a "voluntary" tantrum behavior, you are making a big mistake. Especially since many (probably most) "manipulative" tantrums are not so consciously thought out.

Kayza

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 1:32 am

amother wrote:

He is recieving many types of therapies, I am looking for practical tips until it all starts working on him,.

Talk to his therapists - they should have some good ideas for you.

Quote:

I don't think he can manage a whole sentence before meltding down. I'm working on giving him code words to use when something is bothering him. So far we have "popcorn" means he's too crowded and "pizza" means he needs to leave the table and sit alone to eat.

Given the issues you describe, it sounds like an excellent idea. Give him a code word for "I need something like a hot bath to relax." This way he can let you know that he's on the verge without having to go into meltdown mode for it.

granolamom

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 8:44 am

Kayza wrote:

granolamom wrote:

if an 8 yo hasnt yet learned to 'not melt down' he needs to be taught. this is very different than a child who has the capacity to keep it together yet chooses not to.
a child who has lost control may very well need the parent to help him through the tantrum and to onlookers it may appear as though the parent is 'giving in'. I'm not saying giving in is the way to go, only that parents of children with these issues should not be afraid of doing what others may qualify as 'giving in'. this child needs to learn how to cope with lifes frustrations, like every one. it doesnt come easy for all kids. throwing them into the deep end and saying swim doesnt work for everyone.
and no, helping a child in this way does not necessarily lead to a child who chooses to use manipulative tantrums to get his way. it can also lead to a child who tantrums less (as it has in my case)

amother

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 9:28 am

this is the op. granolamom is right. he can't catch himself befroe the meltdown comes and I keep missing it too. if I don't actively work to calm him down he works himself up more and more. by the time he is calm again an hour and a half has gone by. if I help calm him it takes only forty minutes. I'm working on getting him to say code words before he gets overwhelmed but I know it will only help if he catches himself before it comes on. how do I work with him to recognise the feeling of getting overwhelmed? he is far from having a good sense of self-awareness. he needs direct instruction for everything in life especially if he's under any kind of pressure, all common sense shuts down. he melts down when he is hungry, tired, needs to use the bathroom, is sitting by the dinner table, feels crowded, or if he wants to do something he isn't allowed to.

Kayza

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 9:31 am

granolamom wrote:

this child needs to learn how to cope with lifes frustrations, like every one. it doesnt come easy for all kids. throwing them into the deep end and saying swim doesnt work for everyone.

No one is suggesting that. Helping a child is one thing - giving what he is asking for is another. It's that simple. If he needs help, soothing etc. that's one thing. But it's a very different thing than giving the child what he wanted.

Kayza

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 9:38 am

amother wrote:

this is the op. granolamom is right. he can't catch himself befroe the meltdown comes and I keep missing it too.

That is why I suggested that you look at his "history" and see if you can find a pattern. eg If your kid tends to get this way when he is hungry, don't wait till he SAYS "ma, I'm hungry" make sure he gets fed at shorter intervals.

In general, since you do have a sense of some of the things that set him off, work with him on the code words, try to minimize the situations that trigger his meltdowns and make sure he is getting the therapies he apparently needs. Please talk to any therapists about it, and ask them to focus on this kind of issue. From what you are describing, the tantrums are the tip of an iceberg reflecting a bit of a problem in comping with normal life.

amother

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 10:07 am

I am ahead of him most of the time. it doesn't help. he comes home at 4:00 from school and dinner is on the table or in the process. all he needs to do is take ten steps to his chair and sit down. I know he is starving even though he eats a snack on his short trip home from school. he cannot get to the table and eat without getting overwhlemed. he usuallly needs to use the bathroom first but the next ten steps to get there doesn't get accomplished without him beginning to hyperventilate. by the time he's done in the bathroom and trying to return to his place at the table, we're in chaos. I can try to get him to race home before his brothers so he gets first-call on the bathroom and gets dinner before they come in.

Kayza

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 12:16 pm

amother wrote:

. I know he is starving even though he eats a snack on his short trip home from school. he cannot get to the table and eat without getting overwhlemed. he usuallly needs to use the bathroom first but the next ten steps to get there doesn't get accomplished without him beginning to hyperventilate.

In addition to the other stuff, I would talk to the pediatrician - why is he THAT hungry. In the meantime, try to make sure that he has a solid mid-afternoon snack, as well as the one on the bus. Talk to his teacher if you need to, lots have rules that don't work well for all kids.

Kayza

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 12:17 pm

Eva Apple wrote:

but what do you do if my dds meltdowns start the minute she wakes up? I have no clue she up and we hear her crying...crying...crying!!

Your daughter wakes up crying? The first thing to look at is WHAT is waking her up? Is she being frightened out of her sleep? Is she having bad dreams? This is not a "tantrum", and you need to find out what she is crying about.

amother

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 12:35 pm

Kayza wrote:

amother wrote:

what ould the doctor possibly tell me about why hes always starving?