When you "can't" ask the rov ...

chocolate moose

Sun, May 01 2011, 9:06 pm

because you aren't going to go by what he says.

For example, for kids who are slightly (or even more so) off the derech. Or for yourself, even - maybe you want to be more strict than the rov, or maybe you want to be less strict.

Do you rov shop, or ...

And what if it isn't straight halacha?

RachelEve14

Mon, May 02 2011, 12:44 am

I have a good relationship with my Rav and really feel b'h I could ask him anything.

If I felt I needed a heter for something, I would be out right about it when asking. I would explain why XYZ was important, or I was having difficulty, etc. If he came back and said assur I would trust him because there has been a relationship there for years. I know if he says assur even though I expressed a need, it's really assur. All the times I've asked something though, he's never said something is assur. Usually I'm surprised about what is allowed. The most I have gotten is a "you should be machmir" and then I didnt' push it (it was something I actually wanted to be machmir on, and it was causing an issue in the extended family).

So no, I wouldnt' rav shop. To me that is the best reason for having one rav, because you trust him and can go by him.

grin

Mon, May 02 2011, 1:57 am

how did he become your rov - didn't you choose him in the first place? if not, or if you've changed significantly since then, maybe it's time to "rov-shop" for someone that you can feel comfortable following whatever he says.

unexpected

Mon, May 02 2011, 2:03 am

It is possible to use a different Rov for different things. My sister uses the Rov of her shul for everything besides Nidda, because he was constantly assuring her. She went to somebody else who is also used in her circles and she was happier by him, so she uses the second ROv for that.

AlwaysGrateful

Mon, May 02 2011, 9:40 am

RachelEve14 wrote:

This.

ttbtbm

Mon, May 02 2011, 10:20 am

You should not rov shop. But you should find a rov you are comfortable with. Someone you respect. Someone you would be able to explain yourself to. Someone with your hashkafa. Then listen to him. You are supposed to have a rav.
Good luck!

grin

Mon, May 02 2011, 12:04 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

then it's time to choose another rav, one that you can abide by what he's going to say.

chocolate moose wrote:

And what if it isn't straight halacha?

that's the only reason to ask a sheila in the first place, no?

mha3484

Mon, May 02 2011, 12:50 pm

As a BT I had this question alot. I think it all depends on how you ask. I have a rabbi/mentor who is great at differentiating when I want to understand the concept versus when I am ready to take something on myself. I think alot of it is asking eitzah versus asking for a psak. Also, DH says you can shop around to be more strict but you cant for hetarim. I can ask him for a source later.

melbee

Mon, May 02 2011, 12:53 pm

I recently asked a Rav this very question, and he advised me that when asking something that you're not sure you're prepared to hear the answer to, you can preface it by saying "I don't want a psak on this" and explain where you're coming from in the situation. This can also impress upon the Rav how seriously you take the issue, and he will take that into consideration when answering. Depending on the Rav, he may then advise you to "rav shop" if he feels uncomfortable giving you advice on something he considers assur (but may not be). Hopefully he will find a way to help you in finding the best answer possible to the issue.

amother

Mon, May 02 2011, 1:21 pm

If you are dealing with an OTD child, there is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a Rov who has lots of experience with this unfortunate topic. If you regular Rov is not knowledgeable in this area, of course you go to someone who is.

We have one Rov for our main shaylos, & another who specializes in Choshen mishpot. For shaylos with naming children, we call Rav Dovid Cohen, shlita, because evidently he is the top person in this field. If it's something we consider a biggy (I'm not sure what that is, but, for example, sakanah things like the tzavaah of R Yehuda haChossid, e.g. names for shidduchim, closing up a window or door, or cutting down a fruit tree) we'll get someone to go in to Rav Chaim Kanievsky, because otherwise DH won't be able to sleep at night.

And for hashkofa kinds of things he calls his Rosh Yeshiva.

(then again, we don't have a shul Rov bec dh davens in a yeshiva & not a shul. But I would think any really competent Rov is going to send you to an expert in a field where he is lacking expertise.

PinkFridge

Mon, May 02 2011, 1:31 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

Maybe I should not have posted this. Hmmmm

Maybe, maybe not. Hope your load feels a little lightened. Amother 1:21 sounded like it made posting worthwhile.

Shuly

Mon, May 02 2011, 3:05 pm

We have different rabbonim for different things. We have one posek who we call with halachik questions, but he is not local, so we have a local posek to go to for niddah questions. We also have a rav who we call for hashkafic/sholom bayis questions (he was DH's chosson teacher). And DH also has his rebbi from when he was in yeshiva who he calls about his learning related questions.

We used to use a different rav for niddah questions but he was extremely machmir and another one of our rabbonim told us to switch.

So, while I don't think you should rav shop for each shailah based on who will give the answer you like, there is nothing wrong with having more than one rav and asking certain questions to one over the other.

imasinger

Mon, May 02 2011, 3:13 pm

I was under the impression that shopping around was when you asked the same shaila to more than one rav and then you picked the answer you liked best. That's entirely different from having different rabbanim for the different kinds of shailos, which may be fairly common.

busydev

Mon, May 02 2011, 3:21 pm

we have one in town rav for nidda shailos and anything that we we need an in town rav for.

we ask just about everything else to dh's (oot) rebbi. mostly we ask him aitzos and hashkafa- but we do ask him halacha to. and he doesnt like paskening so usually he discusses the whole concept with dh and tells him what seems to be the best way to go in order to follow the halacha- not a straight do or dont (tho we follow him as if it were do or dont LOL

)

If its not a straight halacha question- but rather advice- then you can def "shop" till you find someone that gives you advice that works for you. Only when a rav paskens for YOU that xyz is assur and abc is mutar can you not ask someone else.