Will my kids turn out OK if I...

gryp

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 8:12 pm

as chavamom said, many, probably most, women feel this way. it's part of being a mother and being overwhelmed and stressed out.

Quote:

GR - I think that you can't relate to my situation. The advice you give sounds like stuff that comes naturally to you and nothing too practical.

no, it doesnt come naturally. it is something I have learned and am continuously learning every day with the surprises my kids have in store for me.
it's pretty neat how a change of attitude can be a complete life change.
but I've made my case, take it or leave it.

Quote:

I am also not the type who has infinite patience or (desire) to play with my kids all day. And yes, I am glad when bedtime rolls around. It means having some peace and quiet, and most of all time for myself. You can call me selfish, whatever, but this is me and it's not going to change.

cindy, that sounds a bit different than:

Quote:

I have absolutely no patience. I come home from work at 1 pm and I can't wait till the kids bedtime.

I'm not saying anything close to wanting to and having the patience to play on the floor with the kids all day. the kids learn to play by themselves while you supervise and do what needs to get done at the same time.
of course it's nice when the kids go to bed and you dont have to keep picking things off the floor, vaccuuming, cleaning high chair trays, make sure the bathroom door is shut tight, and chase the kids around. but that doesnt mean youre waiting for them to go to bed already.

Tovah

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 8:48 pm

sounds like to me u are burnt out. I never worked full time with kids but if I did I'd come home exsauted and would have no patients for my kids and my kids would probably be wired for such a long day at school and neither would be helpful. so I would continue working half day and use that money to get hired help in the afternoon. (u said ur husband didn't want u to work so I'm assuming u can afford to use some of ur paycheck) or stay come and see if u can get someone to help out1-2 hrs a day.

as far as children why don't u take one step at a time- hashem only gives us what we can handle even if we think not. he does know what he is doing.

every person must do whats best for themselves and children, so think how would your children would do best and see if u can work around them.

amother

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 9:02 pm

Do you do something for yourself often? If not, you really need to. It will help you during those tough hours with the kids at home. You'll be more relaxed and enjoy being home more when you have something special to look forward to. Being a mom is TOUGH yet rewarding.
I feel the same way sometimes and I sort of feel like its a catch 22. Maybe I need chizuk!

chavamom

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 9:23 pm

From someone on the other side of this (I have big kids and little kids) I will tell you - it gets easier. The older kids are a distraction for the younger ones, they provide a certain amount of 'built-in' entertainment, you appreciate how quickly they get big b/c you remember when the big ones were dumping sugar out of the pantry - and now they are taller than you.....

Tefila

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 9:35 pm

Quote:

you appreciate how quickly they get big b/c you remember when the big ones were dumping sugar out of the pantry - and now they are taller than you.....

Oh yes how could I have forgotton my eldest antics LOL

and now I am looking up to him ( physically that is) 8)

amother

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 9:43 pm

gr I agree with you 100 %. actually I wrote this in the nishei, I may as well write it here too cuz this is what I want to say:

I decided that when I had children what I wanted to do was to be a stay at
Home mother. B"H so far I have been able to do that, and although it is very
Challenging and difficult at times, I am happy with my decision. But the comments I get from people inspired me to write this: "Your baby is 15 months and not in day care
yet? Don’t u think she is missing out??" Or, "so what do you do all day,
nothing?" Or, how do you survive staying indoors all day? These are typical of the comments I often get in response to my decision to be a stay-at-home mom.

It is perfectly understandable that there are some women who must work to be
able to make ends meat. I am not saying it is wrong to work outside of
the home. It is the attitude from so many people that shocks me! If we
realize the importance of our home and children, and make them our priority,
then whatever else we have to do is secondary, and we can act with confidence, know that we've made the best interest of our children our first priority! I believe that the attitude has become somewhat selfish. "The woman has to be happy" and that’s what is important. That is definitely true. But something very important is missing here. What
about the child? How can a mother be happy if her child is not in the best
situation possible? I believe that when a mother makes a decision about whether she'll work or stay at home, the attitude should be "what
will be best for me, my husband, and my children. It's all one and the
same. One should not go without the other.

I would like to give support to mothers who are able to stay home, but are
peer pressured into doing what has become accepted, or feel bad because of
negative feedback they get from friends.

Staying home does NOT mean being at home all day. Your child is NOT missing
out by not being in a playgroup before age 2, (or sometimes even three).
There are plenty of ways for your child to be with other children, even in a
group setting with the parent. WE should not fool ourselves into thinking
that care from another is the same as care by a child's own mother! If a mother
must work, that is one thing. But at least people should realize that being
with your children as much as possible and making their happiness and yours
one and the same, should be the focus.

I would like to share some tips for people who feel they can stay home with
their children. There are some things that I have done that work, and make
staying home more enjoyable:
Make yourself a schedule. One of the things that is most important is to get
out every single day, no matter what the weather. Find out what the
community has to offer for children. There are museums, baby gyms, library
activities for babies and many other such things that are not expensive
(sometimes free) with a membership. Get together with other stay at
home mothers as much as possible. You can even make a "mommy and me" once a
week to have some company. Make sure you have some alone time when your
husband is home so that you can get out and have a break. And the most
important thing to remember is that it really doesn’t matter what anyone else
thinks, and what society does; it matters what is best for you and your
child. If staying home is something you feel you can do, it CAN work, even
though it may not be popular. "If there is a will there is a way", and one can know what they are capable of doing unless they try! No job in the world is more important then the job of taking care of our own children!

amother

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 9:44 pm

btw I wrote that nonymously because my name is at the end of it in the nishei and I dont want everyone to know my name.

shoy18

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 9:44 pm

No one said raising kids was easy or even fun and enjoyable, its a fact of life, and you have to make the best of it if your not the kind of person who is a "baby" person

amother

Mon, Sep 25 2006, 9:52 pm

one more thing it might be a little too late to enjoy your kdis when tehy are older. yes leaving your child all day and not spending time with them does have a negative affect. put yourself in your kids shoes, would u want ure mother to feel that way about u? u can learn how to enjoy spending time with kids. especially if u care about them and want wahats best for them

healthymama

Tue, Sep 26 2006, 12:01 am

QT- in answer to your original question, most studies show that by 1st grade, no one can accurately tell which children had parents that stayed home and which ones did not. I would certainly not feel bad about going to work, as long as you have good childcare.

de_goldy

Tue, Sep 26 2006, 6:17 am

no one needs to be able to tell. its enough that the child knows.

happymom

Tue, Sep 26 2006, 8:51 am

and besides studies are wrong and most times u could tell.

Motek

Tue, Sep 26 2006, 10:50 am

QT26 wrote:

I am of the opinion that a mother should not work outside the home, or at least only work mornings. I am against sending babies to day care before age 2.

QT26 wrote:

I don't like the idea of leaving my baby with somoeone else for that long, but if I decided that it's the right thing to do, then I guess I would be ok

Is it your opinion, or not? Are you against it, or not? You guess it would be okay? Scratching Head

de_goldy wrote:

no one needs to be able to tell. its enough that the child knows

Those studies show that mothers are dispensable. Shocking that such a study is promoted here on Imamother! Mad

chavamom

Tue, Sep 26 2006, 10:20 pm

Those studies are not done on people trying to turn out frum kids either.

happymom

Tue, Sep 26 2006, 10:45 pm

chana didnt leave her child even in order to do the most holy thing go to the beis hamikdosh! she stayed at home with him for two years. her husband had plenty of money to have hired help along the way or to leave him with a babysitter. yet, she wanted to do what was BEST for teh child. we can learn a big lesson from this.

shalhevet

Wed, Sep 27 2006, 2:45 am

QT, one thing I didn't understand is why you have to make all your decisions for your whole life right now. People change, circumstances change and kids get older.

I understood that right now you only have little kids. Do for now what feels right for now. If you feel at the moment that the thought of another baby overwhelms you and will hurt the relationship you have with the children you already have, talk to a rav about waiting.

Meanwhile the children you have now will get older and things will change. You can always reassess the situation as time goes on. I, personally, found that having more children meant more physical work (cooking, laundry etc) but was easier emotionally. My older children enjoy sharing in their little brothers' care - e.g. taking them to the park or amusing them. They also often play together. The little ones are often happy just looking at what their big sister is doing. It's not at all like having two or three little ones who you have to amuse all day long. Davka as the amount of housework increases it gets harder and harder to work long hours.

B'hatzlocho, and try to take each day as it comes.

healthymama

Thu, Sep 28 2006, 12:39 am

Water off a duck's back.

If you think the studies are wrong, I challenge you to spend a week in a first, 2nd or 3rd grade classroom and then guess which children had SAHMs. Do a little study and see if you are right.

Motek, could you clarify the rules about which studies we are allowed to cite here on imamother ? Only those that show children will be irreversably damaged if mom goes out to work ? That will not be a lot of studies to cite.

chavamom

Thu, Sep 28 2006, 1:24 am

I'm going to state right here, I work. But I have worked out in-home care or dh and I arrange our schedules so that one of us is home. I also work part-time in order to be home more, and have put certain career goals on hold until my kids are older. I don't expect a medal for it, just to put the issue in perspective. I made these changes in my life after working more hours at one time and my kids were unhappy and *I* noticed a big difference. At this point, my older kids are old enough that they actually verbalize that they appreciate that I arrange my schedule to be home when they are as much as possible.

And Healthymama, I think that saying 'by 1st or 2nd grade' is 'spin' b/c you know that there is research to show that all things are not equal when they are younger.

Quote:

New research on the effects of day care on young children contain some surprising findings. One large study has found that the more time that a child spends in group daycare the more aggressive he/she becomes. This study found that 26% of kids in the problem range for aggressive behavior spent 45 hours or more in day care per week. A second study found that levels of the stress hormone cortisol remained high in toddlers after a day at day care, when the levels at home would normally drop.

From the NY Times

Quote:

Two Studies Link Child Care to Behavior Problems

With findings that are bound to rekindle the debate over its effects on children, two studies being published today build on evidence that those who spend long hours in child care may experience more stress and are at increased risk of becoming overly aggressive and developing other behavior problems.

One of the studies found that the more time children spent in child care, the more likely they were to be disobedient and have trouble getting along with others, though it suggested that factors like a mother's sensitivity to the child's needs could moderate that outcome.

chavamom

Thu, Sep 28 2006, 1:29 am

And no study has ever addressed the issue of frum kids. We are not just trying to raise kids to the surrounding norm, but trying to inculcate them with deep-rooted values, something I firmly believe no day-care center can do.

melalyse

Thu, Sep 28 2006, 9:42 am

I personally work 2.5 days a week for a few reasons. 1- we need the money and 2- I would go crazy staying home all week long.
I think that some mothers are better mothers if they are not with their child all of the time. Some mothers need their own time and they are not bad people.
I think that if someone can get a 9-2 or 3 job then that is a great option.
I always thought that I was going to be a SAHM and then I realized how difficult it is .