Very defiant...Mommy is totally exhausted...:-/

amother

Sun, May 15 2011, 12:22 am

Hi Everyone,

Firstly, a Gut Voch to all of you. I'm new to the forums, and so glad to have found the site. It's great to have a spot to interact with other frum moms.

I've been struggling with one of my children for quite awhile. He has been diagnosed with ADD, and we've tried a number of medications - but the side effects of each (they have a similar way of working/manner of metabolism by the body) tended to outweigh the benefits. For example, his schoolwork would improve, but at home, he'd be overstimulated (many of these meds, even in the smallest of doses, are extremely stimulating) and not be able to sleep until 1am. The drugs suppress the appetite, so DS would not be interested in eating until midnight, when his appetite would return and he would be absolutely famished. Our doctor recommended a sleeping medication, but the thought of giving my second-grader a sleeping pill at night and a stimulant in the morning was just very unpalatable. He's been off of his meds for months now.

Recently, we had some family situations (B"H, they are improving significantly and life is returning to normal) that caused a lot of unrest in DS. His ADD symptoms were exacerbated. He now refuses to do work at all at school or at home (he just wants to play), is completely defiant and even violent toward me, and adamantly refuses to go to bed every night (it's a tremendous struggle - and he'll sometimes make it a physical one toward me). He has been receiving counseling at school, but the results have not been noticeable at all. I'm completely exhausted (as I am sure he is, too - and I bet a lot of the problem is sleep deprivation - but it's very challenging to "force" someone to sleep) from everything. I've sought counseling myself, done all the "right" things in terms of discipline/following up with teachers, etc. to little avail. We have our good moments, but also many deeply painful and frustrating ones.

DS is a wonderful, bright boy. He consistently outscores his peers when evaluated and has been identified as one of the most naturally-intelligent children in his grade. When he is behaving well, he is a giving, loving child. His new behavior is really troubling. For me, as mommy not only to him but to his siblings, I'm very tired from all of it (I hope that doesn't come off as selfish...I'm just really sleep-deprived and stressed from things) and begging Hashem to help me with more patience and strength.

Have any of you ever dealt with anything similar?

Thanks for your feedback, I really need friends and support right now.

Tamiri

Sun, May 15 2011, 12:32 am

It sounds as though you are really being given a run for your money. This isn't what you signed up for, is it. There are many parents dealing with the same issues.
What I'd like to know is: you mentioned getting some help for yourself - but what about for your son? Has he been seeing a behavioral therapist on a regular basis? Because a lot of good can come from having a professional training his impulses and giving him outlets to utilize when things get rough.
Another question: have you had him evaluated for sensory issues? To find out whether than it's more than just "plain old" ADD bothering him? He may be reacting to outside stimuli as well.

amother

Sun, May 15 2011, 12:37 am

Hi,
OP here. Thank you for your reply. Yes, he has been receiving counseling - and we're going to start seeing a behaviora pediatrician soon (we've been seeing a pediatric neurologist for the ADD - pedi neuro doc's and pedi psych docs overlap on the ADD issues). Sadly, the counseling hasn't been much help. I am definitely hoping we have more luck with the next specialist. It is super-exhausting to go through this every day on my end - and I'd imagine it's even worse for DS....

Tamiri

Sun, May 15 2011, 12:43 am

Have you looked into limiting food coloring (including that in pink antibiotics!!!!!), msg... other "known" food culprits. You can do some research online - there is plenty out there on the dangers some foods pose to children in general, ADD kids in particular.
How about Omega 3?
Please do some research - there may be some ideas you can use out there.
Oh, also: did you try Concerta as opposed to Ritalin? Did you play around with different meds and different dosages?

amother

Sun, May 15 2011, 1:09 am

Hi again!

We've never actually used regular Ritalin (methylphenidate), but one of the other drugs we tried is a newer isomer of methylphenidate called Focalin (dexmethylphenidate). Concerta is methylphenidate hydrochloride, but an extended-release version (similar to Focalin and many others). We tried a few different doses/schedules, etc, but had similar results. With any luck, the new specialist may have something else to offer us.

As for the diet changes, I try to limit sugar to avoid a big spike of energy in the evenings. I've recently read about what you mentioned with regard to food dyes, and found it very interesting. I wish it was more in my power to control everything DS eats - but with meals provided to him at school as well as snacks/birthday items, it gets a little bit dicey. I'm definitely going to mention that to the next doc we see, though!

Thanks for your replies! Smile

mandksima

Sun, May 15 2011, 2:44 am

I don't have any words of wisdom for you as I go through the same thing and haven't found any answers yet. I try everything but really nothing changes the situation for the better. Sometimes it feels like we have moved forward only to be sent back a short while later to start over in terms of real progress. I have come to accept my children for the way they are even if I don't like them like that. I love them dearly but like, well, that is hard when you get yelled at, cursed at, hit, unappreciated, etc... It makes me feel like a failure of a mother but I know I am not that.

I just see that time passes regardless and if I have made it this far (it has been 10 years of insanity), then hopefully I can make it through the next 10 years too. Overall, my kids are great and I love my life with them. They are the biggest bracha and Hashem sent me exactly what I needed to become the person I am today. I can't imagine the person I would have been had I not had these particular kids and their particular needs to be met. My patience wouldn't have been tried as much and therefore it would not have grown and matured. My ability to accept wouldn't have been tried and I would be more judgmental of everyone else. Had I not had these kids, I would have looked down at other mothers who couldn't seem to handle their kids because I would not have been in their shoes and known what an impossibility it is to control something that isn't controllable. What I am saying is that no matter the frustrations at the time, these kind of kids are a bracha for us, sort of like a good workout that leaves us sore and exhausted but gives us great results - a stronger body and a better ability to workout easier the next time. An easy life is not the best life. As long as you know you are giving your all - just relax and give yourself a pat on you back and say to yourself, this too will pass!

animeme

Tue, May 17 2011, 9:51 am

I have a kid like this. He just can't tolerate stimulants. Also, not to freak you out, but some of the stimulants can increase irritability and/or anxiety. My kid became OCD on them (literally-he qualified for diagnosis). Funny thing was, his teachers loved it and said he was great, but at home he was a nightmare. And even with the sleeping pill, his bed time was 10:30 (also when he was in 2nd grade).

It's not perfect, but we have him on Straterra. A lot of people told me it was a useless med, but we don't find that. It doesn't control the symptoms as well, but it doesn't have the side effects, and it does have some control over them. Also, it's a consistent med that you build up, so it doesn't have an "on" time and an "off" time. And it doesn't affect sleep. Only warning- if your kid can't swallow, you have to open it up, and it's not the greatest tasting med ever.

We also have him on an anti-depressant for volatility of moods; it heads off bad tantrums, and slowly him down enough to respond to behavioral therapy and use techniques he's learned. (He's not a depressed kid). And we do try to limit food dyes, though I'm not neurotic about it.

One thing I have learned- sleep is crazay-important to everyone in the house, both your sleep and his. The whole world is skewed when you're chronically sleep deprived. It was actauly worht it to me to put my kid on med that didn't work as well if all of us got more sleep.

lillyislaughing

Thu, May 19 2011, 9:58 am

hi...

please email me privately.. I also need help and can't get into the more private forums of this...

my dear daughter will be finishing kindergarten next month. she has ADD.. very good kid in class... and in general, but we have issues at home. I also have ADD, and due to other issues ritalin, or any stimulant is NOT an option. I've heard about straterra which is a non- stimulant based med. I have yet to try it.

my daughter is slowly falling through the cracks if I don't become chutzpahdik and push things. the doc wants to wait till she's evaluated by her grade 1 teacher. I don't want to wait. it takes me a bazillion times to get her to do one thing... and then I go into army mommy mode...

with my daughter, she either has an appetite or she doesn't. she's more european that way, she likes her big meal in the day... and then takes a few bites of something before bed.. and it drives me nuts.

have you tried giving your son a "ritalin" early in the mornings, like around 6am and then a short acting one around 3pm?

unfortunately, ADD/ADHD is not black and white the shades of grey they do have are now of the millions, it seems like. does your son have any active after school activities? anything involving running jumping... to tire him out ???? I do know that physical activity with fresh air, could really help...

also, there is an author called daniel g. amen. he's written a book or two on ADHD/ADD... I have one and found it really insightful!

please, email me privately...

lilly