What would you say to a family sitting shiva

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ny21

Fri, Oct 20 2006, 3:24 pm

about a person who died suddenly!
what would you say to the children?
what would you say to the widow?

jewgal84

Fri, Oct 20 2006, 3:48 pm

There is not much that you can/should say.

You have to be there more to listen and offer to help ie: make dinners, take kids out, clean up etc.

Something nice would be to help/volunteer organize some type of fund or something in memory of the neshomo, ie: Sefer Torah, Gmach etc

Do not bring up any type of discussion regarding the passed-on, unless the family wants to.

ny21

Fri, Oct 20 2006, 3:49 pm

thanks for the answer .

amother

Sat, Oct 21 2006, 5:13 pm

I have just spent a lot of time with a close friend sitting shiva for her father who passed away after a long and very painful illness. At the beginning of the shiva she was on a kind of "high" beacause she was so relieved that his suffering was over, but at the same time feeling guilty for not "mourning" and I sat and listened to her telling her that it sounds a normal reaction etc. As each day went by and she had different emotions and feelings I was just there for her, sometimes talking her through her feelings, sometimes just listening. I think the main thing is to show her you are there for her even if it means sitting in silence with her.
With my friend what upset her most was peoples insensitivity. eg. telling her to be grateful he lived that long, or asking for all the details up till the very end. Shiva is a time for aveilim to be comforted not to be given lectures or to be cross-questioned. Let them lead the way in conversations.

ny21

Sat, Oct 21 2006, 7:44 pm

I just read that it is good to visit on the third day

amother

Sat, Oct 21 2006, 9:02 pm

u dont have to say anything. just be there if they need u.

chocolate moose

Sat, Oct 21 2006, 11:40 pm

Just being there is VERY nice; it's not easy!

Momoftwins; the three day "rule" is for people with a lot of family.

For those without family, or without frum family, you can and should go right away; it's a huge misery to sit by yourself!

ny21

Sat, Oct 21 2006, 11:48 pm

it is so hard

Last edited by ny21 on Thu, May 17 2012, 8:47 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2006, 5:25 pm

Sadly I am now sitting shiva so I can tell you what not to say. I don't want to hear averyone saying that time will heal the wounds. I don't want to hear that hashem takes only the best from us. Nor do I want people who I don't know so well sitting here too long and making me feel like I have to have a conversation with them.

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2006, 5:40 pm

unfortunately my husband just sat shivah-
one very imporatnt thing to keep in mind is not to confuse comforting yourself with comforting the mourner.- It may make you feel good to express your thoughts in a certain way or you may feel you are doing a mitzvah by doing A, B, or C. But you must remember that the mitzvah is to comfort the grieving family not to make yourself feel righetous.

In our tzara we knew people are only trying to help and do the right thing but many times people don't know what to do so they do what they feel is right and sometimes that can even cause more tzaar.

ie a friend of mine whose father had been very helpful to us in my FIL last days but who does not know my MIL personally wanted desperatley to help I finally explained to her that for her family to start sending meals (een though it is a beautiful gesture) would make my MIL feel like someone's chesed project- and definately not fill the objective of nichum aveilim.

supermom

Sun, Oct 22 2006, 6:12 pm

SaraG wrote:

Momoftwins; the three day "rule" is for people with a lot of family.

For those without family, or without frum family, you can and should go right away; it's a huge misery to sit by yourself!

Yep have to agree with you Sarag. People were using that rule when I was sitting shiva. I really didn't have family here.

The only thing that did bother me was that people came that first day I really didn't want anyone there. I wanted to be alone and not "entertain" anyone. The wound was still fresh I didn't want anyone seeing me cry or down. I would say go the second day it is better.

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