The Facebook Churban

shalhevet

Tue, Aug 16 2011, 7:16 am

Quote:

Thanks to Social Media, Margelit Hoffman has gained 1,000 new friends and a profitable business. Now she asks some soul-searching questions about the impact of Facebook on her life as a Jewish women. Are you ready for her answers?

facebook churban

I joined Facebook right around the time my oldest son was born. I had been getting invitations for a while, and had been successfully ignoring them. But one of my closest friends, who lived long-distance, convinced me to join because it was “the easiest way to connect” and “all our old high school friends are on it.”

Since then I’ve used it to

keep me occupied while I was nursing
kill time during pregnancies when I couldn’t sleep at night
stay connected to now almost 1,000 new and old friends
learn the news that’s relevant to me
ask a random smattering of friends where to find kosher restaurants in a given city, or how to potty train a two-year-old
share random musings without having to direct them at anyone in particular
build a profitable business for myself, and market my husband’s video production company

My excuse for using it now is that I work on Facebook, since I manage social media campaigns and teach social media marketing.

But my husband and I will be disabling our internet connection at home in the next few days, and all because we can’t get enough of the screen. We’ve found the internet to be a compelling way to turn away from each other, and to get our kids addicted to shows on Netflix (“Mommy, Bob the Builder doesn’t wear a kippah so I don’t have to either,” said my oldest, a four-year-old).

This will have big ramifications for us business-wise, since we work online, and I work from home. But I’ll just have to hang out at Starbucks while the kids are at gan to get my work done instead, and I won’t stay up all night googling while my husband is away on filming trips – I’ll either be reading books of Torah, painting, or sleeping.
The Woman on the Street

Rabbi Harizy, my husband’s shalom bayis teacher, teaches from the sefer Ohel Rachel. He gives over the concept of “the woman on the street,” which is a woman who has to go out and sell herself or sell anything or just be out there in order to make a living. Using this example helps drive the point home to men that they are to provide financially for their wives, and that this is an obligation of the Torah, and one he signs into via the ketubah.

We are reminded of the story of Yaakov Avinu’s daughter Dina, aka Shulamit, who was called Shulamit because she said hello to everyone. And that was what did her in.

Facebook can be used in a very private way, and the privacy settings are quite customizable. We can choose to friend or not befriend, who sees what, and what we post. When we use Facebook as a way to connect with dear friends worldwide, friends whom we otherwise may not get to communicate with, and for the greater good – think of all the reports the Third Intifadah page garnered, leading to Facebook shutting it down and Naqba Day turning out uneventful – we are using it to bring light and achdus into this world.

In defense of women throughout the frum world who work for a living, it is a chessed to our husbands that we put ourselves out there, as long as it is appropriate, and as long as it is actually lucrative. With social media marketing, this takes time to come to fruit, but Hashem rewards us for our intentions.
A Silent Churban

Part of keeping the Torah is building a fence around it. Facebook can be a tool for good. I love Social Media as much as anyone else, maybe more than most people, since it’s given me and my husband the opportunity to earn our Parnasa doing work that we love. But make no mistake – it is a distraction. Shmuel recently worked for Big Productions on a film for a Jewish organization called DaytoDisconnect, and he was shocked at how much people are controlled by their tech. Computers and smartphones are addictions that are silently destroying home life everywhere, and this is why an organization like DaytoDisconnect had to come about in the first place. And it’s the reason Shmuel and I are on the verge of banning the internet from our home, even though it may have great ramifications for our business.

On the other hand, if you follow the 4-Hour Workweek, which we are slowly attempting to do, this is a step in the right direction.

Where does someone like me, who uses Facebook and other social sites to promote my husband’s business and the work of Jewish nonprofits, draw the line? When does what I do remain chessed, and when does what I do go too far out the door, past the yard, onto the sidewalk, and dangerously close to the street?

When I’m feeling the rush of cars whizzing past, I go to naaleh.com and reconnect with the Torah. Rebbetzin Heller reminds me to get off the computer and clean the house before my husband comes home. After all, this is about chessed and building a bait neeman b’Yisrael. There is a time and a place for each kind of chessed.

zaq

Tue, Aug 16 2011, 10:54 am

chocolate moose wrote:

As far as the cartoon character, well .... you could say that about a book or a video, too.

or, for that matter, the nonjewish or non-dati custodian of the gan, your pediatrician, grocer or any other figure they see a lot.
By the same token you could say everything she said about any mishegoss that people get addicted to that causes them to neglect friends, family, responsibility and life. Those could even be good things. Do we not have amothers posting about how their dh is so busy doing chassodim that they're never home and their wives are grass widows? Can people not grow addicted to talking on the phone, reading shmatta novels, shopping, watching TV, etc. etc.? With the Home Shopping Network one can shop 24 hours a day, too.

Not that I'm arguing with the OP; I have no fondness for FB myself. Maybe because I favor quality over quantity, have trouble keeping up even with my very small handful of close flesh-and-blood friends, and have no desire to acquire 1000 so-called "friends" whose sole claim to that status is that we know someone in common. I value my friends too much to devalue the word in that way.

Let's be honest here: those 1000 people are not your friends. They're people who a. know someone who knows someone who knows you--big fat hairy deal; and b. for some bizarre reason think that having an astronomical number of people on their so-called friends list means they're...attractive? popular? personable? successful? desirable? secksy? Those are probably the same sort of people who think that wearing some famous person's name on their T-shirt or initials on their handbag also makes them attractive, popular, etc. Sad, isn't it?

grace413

Tue, Aug 16 2011, 11:12 am

Hello. My name is Grace413 and I'm an addict. It started when I was a child with books and food; there were no PCs back then. Food was readily available and so were books, they were my only friends.

As I grew up, I kept my addictions but was able to add real live friends to my life. Some of them have been with me for almost 40 years.

My addictions did not keep me from graduating college, making aliyah and earning a living all on my own. Neither my addiction nor my real life friends kept me from moving back to the States to marry my beshert. We first got internet when DS was an infant. It didn't keep me from playing with him and helped me learn about child rearing and other people's experience.

Yes, I have added the internet to my list of addictions. But to be honest, it doesn't keep my from my kids or DH - it does keep me from housework, but a book always worked just as well for that.

On top of that, only because of the internet are we able to live in EY and run our business in the US. And because of the internet I am able to keep in closer touch with my mother and siblings, not like in the old days when it was aerogrammes and phone calls once every 6 months.

As to kids not wanting to wear a kipah because of a cartoon character - until I was 13 I lived in places where we were the only Shomer Shabbat family and while I am not in the running for tzadekes of the century, I (and my siblings) have remained Shomer Mitzvot.

Fox

Tue, Aug 16 2011, 11:45 am

I am told by my teenagers that Facebook has become somewhat passe among kids their age. People who post more than occasionally are regarded by their peers as "nebach cases" because they obviously don't have anything "real" going on in their lives. And apparently Twitter is considered "lame" unless you're a celebrity and somewhat witty.

The underlying issue, IMHO, is the degree to which you consider the Internet a tool versus an entertainment medium. If you consider it to be first and foremost a tool, you unconsciously associate it with work, responsibility, and drudgery.

I once heard a comedian describe the teenage years as, "the last time you hope the phone is for you." That applies to email, too! For every fun, happy email I receive, I probably receive 50 that require me to do work that I'd ideally rather not do. I recently got a new cell phone, and my DH asked if I wanted a Blackberry-style smart phone so that I could receive emails everywhere. Needless to say, I declined!

If, however, the Internet's role in your life is primarily an entertainment medium, then you'll be attracted to it rather than looking for ways to evade it.

This really comes down to one of the points made on the thread about bungalow colony life: people with too much time on their hands will frequently find inappropriate things to do or do otherwise harmless things to excess. We're all much better off if we're too tired at the end of the day to get into much trouble. I heard recently about a couple that divorced as a result of fidelity issues, and all I could think was, "Gosh, where on earth did they get the energy?! It's all I can do to get the dishes washed and the laundry done, and sometimes not even that!"

ora_43

Tue, Aug 16 2011, 1:43 pm

I think Facebook, imamother and similar sites are uniquely problematic because they feel like something they're not.

When you read a book, you feel like you're being entertained, and you are. You don't feel like you're socializing, because you're not.

But when you go on social sites (or to a much lesser extent watch TV), it feels like interaction, because it almost is. It feels like socializing. But you don't really know the people, there are a lot of differences between this and real conversation, and between online friendship and real-life friendship, and your brain doesn't really register reading and typing as providing for its social needs on a biological level.

So people can end up hooked to the feeling, when what they need is the real thing. Which is a kind of draw/need that's inherently unhealthy. (Shopping, eating, and all the other things people mentioned are also unhealthy if done in a futile attempt to fill a need they're not capable of meeting.)

Not that social sites are always unhealthy. They're just trickier to use properly, IMHO. Like how it's harder to use alcohol responsibly than fruit juice.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 17 2011, 12:41 am

I'm an internet addict in general. I love information and doing research. I have multiple health issues, and I know more about current research than my doctor does! She counts on me to bring her print outs of the latest medical journal reports. I remember when my daughter got her first ear infection, she said "Mommy, go online and find something to fix it!" LOL

I'm not a big fan of Facebook, but I do have a page to keep up with friends who aren't on LiveJournal. LJ is my main social connection. I've made wonderful friends there, and in some cases it has gone on to "real life" friendships. I love the format, and there's a sense of intimacy and camraderie there that you don't get with open forums. I'm also on an ADD/ADHD forum where I can talk with other people and find out what they've tried and how their treatment is going. It helps a lot to have that sort of support network without having to "go to a meeting".

That said, my DH is out of town right now, so I'm filling up my time online. When he gets back you won't be hearing much from me. Wink

A while ago LiveJournal crashed for about 6 days, and during that time I had a bipolar/manic period and let me tell you, my house was SPOTLESSLY CLEAN! With no journal to keep up, I had to actually get up off my butt and do something. It was a real eye opener, and I'm definitely going to have to cut WAY back on my screen time when DH gets home.

As far as imamother goes, in just the month that DH has been gone, I've learned SO much about how to improve my marriage, and for that, I have no regrets about the time I spend here. You ladies are all so wonderful! Hug

What I don't understand is why people get caught up those silly games like Mafia Wars and Farmville. That's just weird. But honestly, who doesn't love being able to find a nut free, pareve, vegan recipe in two clicks of a button! Very Happy

freidasima

Wed, Aug 17 2011, 4:21 am

Ruchel - I love the way you put it!

Exactly. Everything in excess is bad. Some things per se (rechilus, LH, murder, etc.) don't really have any redeeming value! But for most things in life? If you use them correctly, they can be very useful, helpful and important.

Same for facebook. I'm with Fox. My kids say the same, anyone spending three hours on it by the time they are 21 is a sad case. Same goes for twitter etc.

Internet is NOT a substitute for real life interactions but it can be a way to meet people all over the world. How in the world could I have met someone in Paris, in Sao Paolo, in Melbourne who aren't in my professional field, if not through the internet?

Kids - chinuch begins at home. Meaning if you believe that something that has both good and bad (and of course that your rabbonim aren't ossuring for whatever reason) should be nixed, you aren't teaching them discipline and limits. And that, in my opinion, is setting them up for unrealistic life. Because they are going to be exposed to lots of things and better they should learn at home that there are limits.

Food - it's around all the time. Some like it more, some like it less. But as you can't get rid of it in the entire world and the stores are going to still be full, is the way to deal with a fear of addiction to never have any food in the house? I think not.

Finally - as everyone said, unless you keep them in Meah Shearim and never let them go out when there are tourists, your kids are going to see people dressed differently and without head covering. Teach them strength of mind.

Parents - it begins and ends with YOU.

Blimi

Wed, Aug 17 2011, 5:39 am

Wow! Did any of you ladies actually read the article????
I didn't notice that it said that all internet is evil.
The author is someone who works with social media and makes her living that way. She intends to keep on doing that. However she's just getting honest that it's having a bad affect on her personal life.
I didn't hear her say that all internet is evil and no one should have it in their homes.
Speak to any addictions counselor and they will tell you that internet addiction is the most common form of addiction in the world today - and I'm not talking about the bad stuff.
I'm talking about facebook and imamother and other socialy acceptable websites.
I totally don't understand how anyone here can downplay this problem. It's huge!!!!
I think this article is one of the few honest personal accounts I've read that wasn't using scare tactics about husbands who run off and do insane things or teenage boys who...
She's just a regular person who uses the internet for good stuff, just like you and me.
yashar koach to the writer.

freidasima

Fri, Aug 19 2011, 12:21 am

Um Blimi, maybe it's "Huge" only among a certain age group (addiction to Facebook, Imamother and such sites).

Gotta tell you, there is a whole world of people over 30, over 40 and over 50. There are worlds of people who aren't even connected to internet on a regular basis. Some only at work. Some not even that.

So be precise. It may be a "huge" problem among a very specific age group in certain countries and in certain classes.

No one cares what the writer wrote but what happens afterwards. Rabbonim who start possuling something which means that half of their "velt" end up doing it, and behind closed doors. And it turns into something titilating which can lead to what you call "addiction".

It's also cheap which in todays' financially challenged world is important to keep in mind. It's just too expensive to go out with people and sit and have coffee and cake all the time to meet them, faster to keep up on a regular basis through the net. Expensive to go to movies. Much cheaper to pay a slight extra fee and see them - for you AND your children - online.

Time is also money. Employers expect a lot from many of their employees in terms of time, capabilities and availability. Internet allows you to compete in a very problematic employment market.

Like everything else there is good and bad. I don't get the OPs point. She makes a living from the internet but will have to access it at starbucks or whatever because she is disconnecting from home? Unless someone there is sitting on [filth] and drug sites why exactly is she disconnecting? Anyone ever hear of chinuch? Or is the all powerful internet stronger than her chinuch to her children? And since when did good chinuch ever consist of just removing temptation over and over instead of teaching people to just cope with it,

Like many other things in the Jewish world today, this is teaching to weakness, not to strength.