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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Removing Door to Bedroom
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momo4




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 8:42 pm
FrumMamaPA wrote:
I (b)always threaten(/b) to take my 12 yr olds door away when she slams or locks it. I wouldn't ever really do it because I don't want to look at her mess. Plus for tznius purposes, since her bedroom is the first one in the hallway. But don't tell her that. Twisted Evil




That's why she's still doing it!
Always do what you threatened you'll do,
Never threaten something you'll never do!
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Sherri




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2011, 8:58 pm
Didn't we have this discussion a year ago or so?
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amother


 

Post Fri, Aug 19 2011, 12:03 am
My mom removed my sister's door when we were teenagers. My sister had some serious problems (bipolar but not yet diagnosed) and once when she was angry, slammed the door across my mom's arm. The door stayed off until my mom's arm healed. I hope I don't ever have a situation like that with my DD.
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 19 2011, 8:00 am
Sherri wrote:
Didn't we have this discussion a year ago or so?


I remember the opposite - a thread about parents locking little kids in the room.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 19 2011, 3:01 pm
Simple1 wrote:
Sherri wrote:
Didn't we have this discussion a year ago or so?


I remember the opposite - a thread about parents locking little kids in the room.


This is a bit OT, but I've always found it interesting:

Apparently, in Japan, parents do not lock teenagers in or "ground" them as a punishment. Instead, they lock them out.

I don't even know if it's true or not, but there's an interesting philosophy behind it: Is it a punishment to stay home or is the punishment to be banished temporarily from home?

Note: I don't think there's much value in discussing the practical applications of this, so please don't start in about how unsafe this is, etc. The interesting part is the underlying thinking behind it.
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Soul on fire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2011, 1:56 am
momo4 wrote:
FrumMamaPA wrote:
I (b)always threaten(/b) to take my 12 yr olds door away when she slams or locks it. I wouldn't ever really do it because I don't want to look at her mess. Plus for tznius purposes, since her bedroom is the first one in the hallway. But don't tell her that. Twisted Evil




That's why she's still doing it!
Always do what you threatened you'll do,
Never threaten something you'll never do!


She doesn't know that I won't do it. And come to think of it she doesn't slam it anymore but does occasionally lock it.
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merelyme




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2011, 2:17 am
Chayalle wrote:

I remember hearing a story about R' Yaakov Kaminetsky (who was very much a part of my childhood, as my parents were close to him). Someone visited him when he was young, and his young children were dancing on the table. The person was shocked, and said why don't you stop them? Isn't a table like a mizbayach (sp?) and wouldn't it be proper chinuch to restrain them from doing it since it's wrong?

He said they won't be doing it when they're 20. They will outgrow it on their own. Chinuch is to teach with long term goals, things that they wouldn't stop on their own - things like honesty, and good middos, etc...but let little children jump around.


The story I heard is that he took the child off the table without reprimanding him.

I know that's a detail, but it seems to me important because he stopped the behavior, he just didn't make a big deal out of it.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2011, 2:51 am
Sherri wrote:
Didn't we have this discussion a year ago or so?

I think more like three years ago, but yeah, we did.
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2011, 7:11 am
Fox wrote:
Simple1 wrote:
Sherri wrote:
Didn't we have this discussion a year ago or so?


I remember the opposite - a thread about parents locking little kids in the room.


This is a bit OT, but I've always found it interesting:

Apparently, in Japan, parents do not lock teenagers in or "ground" them as a punishment. Instead, they lock them out.

I don't even know if it's true or not, but there's an interesting philosophy behind it: Is it a punishment to stay home or is the punishment to be banished temporarily from home?

Note: I don't think there's much value in discussing the practical applications of this, so please don't start in about how unsafe this is, etc. The interesting part is the underlying thinking behind it.


That is interesting. But maybe ultimately the punishment is taking away the kid's freedom to be where he wants - whether it's in or out of the house when he feels like it.
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freidasima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2011, 7:27 am
I'm all for telling an older teen that if their behavior is not up to standard they are welcome to go and sleep for a few nights with friends until they are willing to live by house rules.

Every parent is allowed to set house rules
Making sure, of course, that they aren't crazy, and are suitable for the age groups of the children involved.

It's not "locking out", it's giving a choice. Apologize and act decently and live by house rules. Or find yourself a place to stay for a few days so that you aren't disturbing the peace at home.

Again, only for older teens, and only if they have crossed an extremely serious red line.
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mosma




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2011, 10:27 am
freidasima wrote:
I'm all for telling an older teen that if their behavior is not up to standard they are welcome to go and sleep for a few nights with friends until they are willing to live by house rules.

Every parent is allowed to set house rules
Making sure, of course, that they aren't crazy, and are suitable for the age groups of the children involved.

It's not "locking out", it's giving a choice. Apologize and act decently and live by house rules. Or find yourself a place to stay for a few days so that you aren't disturbing the peace at home.

Again, only for older teens, and only if they have crossed an extremely serious red line.


when I was a teen, my parents would not let me out of the house as punishment. if they had let me go to a friend for a few days I would have been out of there so fast...probably for a looooooooooong time Smile
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Bea21




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 22 2011, 11:02 pm
merelyme wrote:
Chayalle wrote:

I remember hearing a story about R' Yaakov Kaminetsky (who was very much a part of my childhood, as my parents were close to him). Someone visited him when he was young, and his young children were dancing on the table. The person was shocked, and said why don't you stop them? Isn't a table like a mizbayach (sp?) and wouldn't it be proper chinuch to restrain them from doing it since it's wrong?

He said they won't be doing it when they're 20. They will outgrow it on their own. Chinuch is to teach with long term goals, things that they wouldn't stop on their own - things like honesty, and good middos, etc...but let little children jump around.


The story I heard is that he took the child off the table without reprimanding him.

I know that's a detail, but it seems to me important because he stopped the behavior, he just didn't make a big deal out of it.


The version I heard (actually read) did not have that detail in it. From "With Hearts Full of Love" by R' mattisyahu Solomon.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 23 2011, 1:00 am
I will own up to doing this, but it was for a teen who was locking the door and sneaking out the window. I'm not known to be a heavy handed parent and this was definitely a last-ditch effort, a "you can have the door back when you learn to leave through the front door and respect a curfew, until then, we need to keep an eye on you" approach.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Mon, Dec 04 2017, 1:45 am
OTA
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 04 2017, 3:15 am
amother wrote:
OTA

Aside from the obligatory noting that this thread is six years old,

OTA Office of Technology Assessment
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OTA Open to All
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OTA Offseason Training Activities (US Football)
OTA Optical Telescope Assembly
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OTA Online Trust Alliance (Bellevue, WA)
OTA Operational Test Agency
OTA Out of the Air (pricing methodology)
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OTA Orchard Training Area
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OTA Ordered to Appear (legal courts)
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OTA Older Than Average (student)
OTA Operational Transconductor Amplifier
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OTA Other Transactional Authority
OTA Other Transactional Agreement
OTA Oregon Telephone Association
OTA Oracle Training Administrator/Administration
OTA Obligatory Thug Attack (gaming)
OTA Oil Technology Association
OTA Officer Training Allowance
OTA Ordnance Transmission Assembly
OTA Optical Transition Amplitude
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OTA Organized Team Activity
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OTA Orthodontic Technicians Association (UK)
OTA Over-The-Air Management
OTA Optical Trapping Applications

https://acronyms.thefreedictionary.com/OTA
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Mon, Dec 04 2017, 4:12 am
Lemme explain. Someone else replied to this thread (saying that they often threatened to take off the door of their kid but would never actually do it). As it was an old thread, I wrote OTA. It means "Old Thread Alert". But in that time, the poster must have realized, and deleted their response. I left my OTA there just to see what would happen (and also because I got distracted doing something else before I could decide what to do).
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 04 2017, 4:28 am
Simple1 wrote:
It's also very inconvenient to remove a whole door, and totally unnecessary when it's easier to remove the lock.


Here in Israel the doors are pretty flimsy. If it's not a mamad door, it can be taken off in a few minutes and are often very lightweight wood peices.

I do not think it should be taken off...
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Mon, Dec 04 2017, 8:41 am
You know, I think it's time that parents start treating their children with the respect that they show their peers. Just because they are not adults doesn't mean they dont have the same feelings or process punishments the same way adults do. Punishing children, even shouting or berating them severely, serves to show them that they are not in control and you are. That you can do whatever you want under the guise of chinuch or " natural consequences". Showing respect and teaching them how to talk it out is so much more effective in teaching children how to behave and act maturely. Obviously in a case of safety this doesn't apply. Then I agree the door can be removed.
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