Dog fear!!! | Imamother

amother

Tue, Oct 11 2011, 2:10 pm

just took my kids to visit someone. Didnt know she had a dog. Kids freaked out. I was so embarrased.

She said she couldnt lock it up. She tried to keep it out of kids way, but it didnt stay put for long.
I try to make dogs seem normal to my kids, I.e. with neighbors dogs or at park, but they freak out when they are close to one. I can't tell pple we cant visit if they have a pet, cuz that would sound pretty strange.

I guess part of the problem is me, I have to figure out how to get my kikds not to scream when they're at someones house.

Any ideas? I'm so embarrased.

chocolate chips

Tue, Oct 11 2011, 2:19 pm

No. Sorry. I think its completely normal for kids to be scared of dogs or cats. You might want to try teach them not to scream but if they run and pull your skirt thats fine.
Someone once came to give us a gift and brought her dog up to our front door and all my siblings were screaming and my mother literally stood there with the door half closed so the dog couldnt come in. The lady just laughed it off. kids are kids.

And I havent grown out of it Wink

I run a mile wen I see a dog. When I was just married I was nidda and dh and I were walking when this dog walked by and started coming near me I jumped onto dh and he jumped a mile and I was soooo embarassed but its almost a natural reflex of mine. I just don't like them.

Fox

Tue, Oct 11 2011, 2:42 pm

I believe that learning how to behave around animals is an important skill. You don't have to like the animals -- you simply have to learn how to respond to them. Losing your composure around animals is not just an issue of social interaction, it's a matter of safety. Dogs, in particular, are highly territorial, and behavior that seems innocent can actually seem very aggressive to even a well-behaved dog.

Call local pet stores or dog trainers and explain that, while you don't have a dog or intend to get one, you are concerned that you and your kids know how to respond to other people's pets. Some dog trainers actually give classes for non-dog owners, and others may be willing to give you a few short lessons for a reasonable fee.

If your kids are trained how to respond and get some practice, they are less likely to be frightened or do things that might actually antagonize a dog.

BTW, I can't imagine why your friend "couldn't" lock her dog up. Even the most hard-core "dog people" usually work to set boundaries between their dogs and human interaction.

Cats are a different issue. They do what they want. On the plus side, they usually have nothing but disdain for people, so they're happy to hide from you!

amother

Tue, Oct 11 2011, 8:41 pm

op here, thank you fox. The pet lessons idea is great!

When we got home, I told my daughter that she could move away from it, or ask the owner to hold it, or say she's afraid, but that it's not okay to Scream.
I'm afraid that by telling her not to scream I'm not fully validating her fear.
I don't want her to stifle her emotions, because of the need to behave. How do I balance the two?

What can you moms advise?

Happy18

Tue, Oct 11 2011, 8:51 pm

DH is terrified of dogs, so of course my parents have a massive one. When we first got married dh was so uncomfortable in my parents house. The longer were married the more comfortable he has become around the dog and is less scared of other dogs.

I feel like people need to get exposed to dogs or else they are afraid of them.

chocolate chips

Tue, Oct 11 2011, 9:22 pm

Happy18 I was exposed to dogs alot when I was younger...I just dont like them. I dont always loose my senses sometimes I just step off the curb other times I just stand still till they pass but I still have a huge fear of them.
I cant imagine what will happen when my baby grows up and if he is scared of dogs and runs behind my skirt well it will be the two of us LOL

Happy18

Tue, Oct 11 2011, 9:24 pm

I'm sorry. Bc my parents have a dog I'm used to people coming over and being afraid of it.

I just wish I could help you.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Oct 11 2011, 9:25 pm

People can think what they want about the halacha or minhagim pro or con about keeping a non kosher pet. This is purely a safety issues, above and beyond all else. It's every bit as important as not getting into cars with strangers.

OP, you can validate you DD's feelings without validating her fears. You can tell her "I understand that you think that dogs are scary, but we don't scream we see other people's pets. I'm here, and I would never let you be around an animal that would hurt you. You can always come to me if you feel worried."

Remind her that she's visiting nice people, and that they have a nice pet. A nice person wouldn't have a mean pet, would they? As long as you keep the general attitude neutral and safe, eventually a child's natural curiosity will win over, and they should be allowed to approach the pet at their own pace - even if it's just a few inches closer at each visit. Give lots of quiet praise to both child and dog "See how nice that dog is? You're being very gentle with it! I think that dog likes you!" Library books with lots of pictures of dogs and puppies are a really great way to work with little ones. You can read to them about the different breeds, and they can touch the pictures without feeling threatened.

Kids will pick up on the attitudes of adults and other kids around them, so you have to constantly be on the alert that they don't get programmed for fear and panic. I let DD pick up earthworms and slugs to play with, because as disgusting as I though it was, I didn't want her to become squeamish or develop sensory issues. I have repressed my fear of spiders by force of will! I'll walk up to a garden spider and discuss with DD about Hashem's plan for the world, and how spiders protect us from getting eaten up by mosquitoes. Indoors spiders get scooped up and relocated whenever possible, and while I do it I'll be saying things like "Silly spider! You got stuck in the house, and you need to be outside where your friends are. That's where all the yummy bugs live. Not in a people house!" (Inside, I'm absolutely dying, and if she's not around, I'm gonna squoosh it.)

If you are walking past a house with an aggressive dog, here's what I'd do with the kids. Do NOT let them run past the fence line! Get them to walk at a normal pace, no matter how big the dog or how loudly it's barking. Say something like "What a good dog that is! He's good because he's protecting his home from people he doesn't know. If you were a bad guy or a robber, would you like to try to rob that house? I'll bet the people who live there feel very safe when they are being protected by him. That's one of a dog's very important jobs. Hashem made them to be burglar alarms! Isn't that amazing?" Repeat this every time you encounter any dog that barks at you from behind a fence.

Even if you HATE dogs (or cats, or whatever) or are terrified of them, you MUST learn to fake it for the sake of your kids. They need to have the confidence to know how to deal with pets, primarily for their own safety. They need to learn when it's OK to approach, how to approach, and most importantly, how to retreat in a calm and quiet manner.

If you want even more opinions from seasoned pet owners, hop over to the Pets Forum. We love to help!

Fox

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 9:35 am

Right now, your DD doesn't distinguish between an essentially harmless pet and a real threat. That's not an easy call, even for people who love dogs!

This is why you and/or your kids need training in how to understand what dogs are "saying" with their behavior -- and how to respond to those messages.

I don't think there's a contradiction between validating a fear and helping a child overcome a fear. For example, most children are very scared of vaccinations. However, most of us, even non-vaccinators, realize that there will be times when our kids need injections or blood tests. So we are sympathetic while emphasizing the reasons and benefits of the injection/tests.

Find a way for a dog expert to teach you and your kids how to respond to dogs and expose them to dogs in controlled settings. You can then remind them whenever you see a dog on the street that they are now "dog experts" themselves, and they don't need to be afraid. You can also practice with them appropriate ways to "introduce yourself" to a dog as well as checking passing dogs or signs of aggression. Bottom line: the social problem will solve itself as your kids become more knowledgeable and competent.

bigsis144

Wed, Oct 12 2011, 9:51 am

FranticFrummie - your whole post is REALLY good! I sound a lot like you with "Silly spider! Let's put you outside..."-type narration... and I'll probably borrow your shpiel about large barking dogs too. It's a great perspective.

(B"H, I'm pretty neutral on animals -- neither a snuggler nor a cross-the-street-in-terror kinda gal. 22-month-old DS so far shows NO fear at all, in fact, I'm gonna have to teach him that cats get scared when you chase after them yelling, "PLEEEASE!!!")

Fox

Mon, Oct 17 2011, 8:25 pm

OP, I thought of you recently when I was checking out freebies on my Kindle: there's a kid-friendly book called "How To Greet a Dog and What to Avoid" by Dr. Sophia Yin. If you have a Kindle or Kindle app on an iPhone, etc., this may be just the ticket to get started.