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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
ADHD 11 year old



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amother


 

Post Sat, Oct 29 2011, 12:59 pm
I never posted before here but I am at my end.
I feel like my 11 year old is destroying my house and marriage.
I am against ritalin and never agreed to go to a neurologist though everyone that tested him said he probably has adhd.

But now I'm thinking maybe I should make an appointment and medicate him if necessary even though I don't want to because he is destroying the house.
He is constantly beating up my other kids. He won't listen to anything and I feel like he's a few steps away from the street chas vshalom. He won't listen to anything I say so I have no control and when he is going nuts in the house I don't know what to do. He won't listen and it's so hard to calm him down.

any advice? I feel lost and he makes shabbos and yom tov so stressful.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Oct 29 2011, 2:07 pm
My child also has ADHD and takes Ritalin. I was also against it. Why are you against it? It is fashionable to say you don't medicate your child, as if you are some brave mother because you will cope without it.

Meanwhile, you said, he is destroying your marriage and your house and your other kids are suffering. All the time. And how do you think he feels? He is always getting reprimanded (even if you don't scream or punish him). He is always the bad kid. Do you think he is happy? I really doubt it from what you write.

If you had a child with short sight would you not get him glasses because you are a good mother and you can cope without? Why, why, why will you not give him the help G-d gave in this world? Why will you not help your child and your other children? Ritalin is not addictive (my child does not take on vacation days). You should be under a doctor to check out possible side effects, that's all.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Oct 29 2011, 2:14 pm
Quote:
My child also has ADHD and takes Ritalin. I was also against it. Why are you against it? It is fashionable to say you don't medicate your child, as if you are some brave mother because you will cope without it.


because I had a brother on it and I felt it did a lot of damage - and took away his personality

dh is even more against it then me and feels like it's giving his kid legalized illegal drugs.

At this point I think we need to look into as I don't think it's being fair to anyone not to.
even though I know dh will never forgive himself for it. (but if he's getting to the point where he is getting very bad feelings to my son then it's not any better)

I assume from the time of your posting that your in Israel - what is the process?
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grace413




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 29 2011, 2:29 pm
First, have your child checked out by a family doctor to rule out any other causes. If the doctor thinks the child requires an neurological exam, go ahead and do it. You will then be able to make a more educated decision.

My DD has ADHD symptoms but Ritalin, Concerta and Strattera had no effect on her at all. Not every difficult child has true ADHD and can be helped by medication. However, for some people it's a lifesaver.

Also, you can give the medication a try and see how it goes. It's not like you are a signing a life long contract. If you see good results, you continue. If not, you stop and look for another solution. I know kids on Ritalin who have not had their personalities destroyed. People's reactions to medication are very individual and it's not fair to base your son's chances on your brother's reactions.

Good luck in dealing with this difficult nisayon.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Oct 29 2011, 2:35 pm
amother wrote:
Quote:
My child also has ADHD and takes Ritalin. I was also against it. Why are you against it? It is fashionable to say you don't medicate your child, as if you are some brave mother because you will cope without it.


because I had a brother on it and I felt it did a lot of damage - and took away his personality

dh is even more against it then me and feels like it's giving his kid legalized illegal drugs.

At this point I think we need to look into as I don't think it's being fair to anyone not to.
even though I know dh will never forgive himself for it. (but if he's getting to the point where he is getting very bad feelings to my son then it's not any better)

I assume from the time of your posting that your in Israel - what is the process?


It most certainly doesn't take away anyone's personality. If that happened he was probably on the wrong drug or the wrong dosage.

I am asking again - why are you against it? There is almost no rational reason, everyone is against it because it is popular to say you are not drugging your child. I know because I felt exactly the same.

If you are in Israel you need to go to a child neurologist. Call Ezer Mizion - they have someone called Simcha (in Hebrew) who will help you and answer your questions and give you recommendations. She runs a workshop for mothers of children with ADHD with lots of helpful advice if you can do it in Hebrew.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Oct 29 2011, 2:50 pm
Quote:

It most certainly doesn't take away anyone's personality. If that happened he was probably on the wrong drug or the wrong dosage.

I am asking again - why are you against it? There is almost no rational reason, everyone is against it because it is popular to say you are not drugging your child. I know because I felt exactly the same.

If you are in Israel you need to go to a child neurologist. Call Ezer Mizion - they have someone called Simcha (in Hebrew) who will help you and answer your questions and give you recommendations. She runs a workshop for mothers of children with ADHD with lots of helpful advice if you can do it in Hebrew.


I guess seeing my brother was a bad experience and dh is super against it along with MIL.
She will be fuming if she finds out. The dr. referred me to the nurologist years ago but I didn't want to go as I felt we are coping but now in the last month has been really difficult.

what kuppah does this lady from ezer mitzion work with - and is it better to call her or go to who the kuppah advises.

do you mind me asking how old your adhd child is?
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amother


 

Post Sat, Oct 29 2011, 7:58 pm
I have an 11 yo girl who started medication last year. It has changed her life & my relationship with her for the better. Before we got a prescription for medication, I tried having her drink some coffee one morning & even that made such a change in her being able to moderate her behavior.

There are many more choices and formulations in medications than there were 20 years ago, so something may be right for your child. If not, at least you will know that you tried & it did not work. These medications do not build up in the body, like some psychiatric medications.

Now that she has been on it for over a year, she has been able to learn skills to cope, both academically & socially. Even when she is not on the medication, she is able to employ the skills she has learned. I try to take breaks from the medication on Shabbas & on days off from school.

Also, consider that at this age, there is a lot of physical growth & change w. pre-teen hormones that can affect behavior & intensity.
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morah




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 29 2011, 9:24 pm
Before freaking out about medication, confirm that it is ADHD. If it is, then do not be afraid to medicate! Although many refuse to believe it, ADHD is a mental disorder that has NOTHING to do with how well you're parenting. Much has changed since the days when your brother was on Ritalin. There are many more medications out there, and also doctors know more about the disorder and will make sure your child gets the right dose so that it's effective without much side effect.
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chayamiriam




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 29 2011, 10:54 pm
you as the parent have the responsibility to seek every avenue of help that is possible for your child. It doesn't matter that your brother did not do well on medication. People and times are very diffrent. Its so wrong to decide without a Dr. not to use modern medicine to help your child. This decision to not help your child anyway possible will cost you and your family dearly down the road. Go to the experts and then make and informed decision with their help. Your child deserves to get all the help he needs to be a loving member of your household and grow up to be a productive healthy adult.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2011, 1:36 am
chayamiriam wrote:
you as the parent have the responsibility to seek every avenue of help that is possible for your child. It doesn't matter that your brother did not do well on medication. People and times are very diffrent. Its so wrong to decide without a Dr. not to use modern medicine to help your child. This decision to not help your child anyway possible will cost you and your family dearly down the road. Go to the experts and then make and informed decision with their help. Your child deserves to get all the help he needs to be a loving member of your household and grow up to be a productive healthy adult.


I couldn't agree more. Living in the Middle Ages is NOT what G-d had in mind for us in the 21st century. This is not about you, or DH, or MIL. This is about your son's health! He needs your help to succeed in life. If you're withholding the medication he needs because of your own unfounded worries, then when he grows up he will resent you for making his childhood unnecessarily difficult.

Look at it this way: Millions of doctors and hundreds of thousands of researchers all over the world have decided that certain ADHD meds are safe - if given to the right patient in the right quantity. Do you really think that you, DH and MIL are smarter than all the professionals in the world combined? How's that working out for you?

BTW, my doctor wanted to put me on Adderall and I was DEAD SET against taking stimulants. After trying other options I finally gave in and tried 5mg - and I've been kicking myself for not starting 20 years sooner! I can only imagine how much better my life would have been if I could have concentrated better, learned more, been a better parent, spouse or employee. I thank G-d every day for the advances in medicine that we have now.
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September June




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2011, 1:52 am
morah wrote:
Before freaking out about medication, confirm that it is ADHD. If it is, then do not be afraid to medicate! Although many refuse to believe it, ADHD is a mental disorder that has NOTHING to do with how well you're parenting. Much has changed since the days when your brother was on Ritalin. There are many more medications out there, and also doctors know more about the disorder and will make sure your child gets the right dose so that it's effective without much side effect.

Thumbs Up
It sounds like your brother was either taking the wrong dosage or the wrong medication.
Take your child to a neurologist and have him evaluated. If your child does need medication, research the medication and its possible side effects. Monitor your child closely and watch for any of these side effects. If your child is suffering from any of these side effects, a good neurologist can and will change the medication to something more effective.
The right medication and the correct dosage can change a child's life (and his family's as well).
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Jewish Mother2




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2011, 2:13 am
Be good to yourself, your child and your other children. This is none of anyone else's business - not grandparents, not teachers, not friends - no-one!

I have a 15 year old son and I was in denial for so many years. He went through a stage of being medicated and was a total zombie - we with the wrong doctor and he wouldn't listen to us. He came off for several years but then when he went into junior high school he couldn't cope and neither could we.

We found another specialist - someone who actually knew and cared. He started the whole process from the beginning and started him on medication very very slowly. We have now found the right level for him and he's able to sit and learn and cope.

I don't discuss this with my parents or my inlaws - they all know he's taking medication and I'm sure they have their own opinions but I don't care - we're the ones that have to live with it and if you want to get the harmony back into your home you'll take care of the situation in the way that's best for you and your child.

good luck
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amother


 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2011, 5:03 pm
amother wrote:


what kuppah does this lady from ezer mitzion work with - and is it better to call her or go to who the kuppah advises.


She doesn't work with a particular kuppa. She suggests going privately because you will get seen quicker and they will pay more atttention to your child. ou only have to pay once for a diagnosis and then you can get the medication from your kuppa ped. If you can talk to her she will explain.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2011, 5:59 pm
My child does not have ADHD, but many years ago, I worked with a woman whose son did have ADHD. He told me that before he took medication, he WANTED to do well in school, he WANTED to control his behavior, he WANTED to act in socially acceptable ways, but could not. The meds allowed him to be the person that he wanted to be.

Whenever these debates arise, I think of him.

Forget what your child's behavior is doing to your family. Think of what it is doing to HIM. Have an evaluation. If meds are recommended, talk to knowledgeable professionals about their effects, benefits and side effects. (Remember that ADHD meds have come a LONG way over the years.) Then make a decision. If you decide to use meds, and you and he don't like the impact, the meds can be changed of adjusted, or you can take him off of them.

Just a couple of asides:

First, I do have a child with learning differences, including one that in many ways mimics ADHD, so we've had evaluations. Some of the evaluations and interventions have made me sad going into them ... what will people think of ME as a mother, or HIM. Will they think he's stupid? Will they think I'm a bad mom? But I had to put those thoughts aside. So what if they all think I'm a lousy mother. I'm doing what's best for my child, that's the important thing.

Second, a lot of people believe that ADHD kids who are not taking prescription meds wind up self-medicating with illegal drugs in their teens and twenties. They theorize that's what was behind Kurt Cobain's OD, for example.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Oct 31 2011, 2:21 am
Quote:
She doesn't work with a particular kuppa. She suggests going privately because you will get seen quicker and they will pay more atttention to your child. ou only have to pay once for a diagnosis and then you can get the medication from your kuppa ped. If you can talk to her she will explain.


so I went to the peditraition yesterday and he is trying to push me in for an appt with the nurologist on tuesday -- my pediatrition is very good and I do trust him. Is there reason for me to go to her?
how does it work? How much testing does the nurologist do? If he decides it's ADHD who works on which medication? nurologist or pediatrition?
I'm still very nervous about this but I think it's the right thing to do
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amother


 

Post Mon, Oct 31 2011, 5:37 am
amother wrote:
Quote:
She doesn't work with a particular kuppa. She suggests going privately because you will get seen quicker and they will pay more atttention to your child. ou only have to pay once for a diagnosis and then you can get the medication from your kuppa ped. If you can talk to her she will explain.


so I went to the peditraition yesterday and he is trying to push me in for an appt with the nurologist on tuesday -- my pediatrition is very good and I do trust him. Is there reason for me to go to her?
how does it work? How much testing does the nurologist do? If he decides it's ADHD who works on which medication? nurologist or pediatrition?
I'm still very nervous about this but I think it's the right thing to do


So go and see what you think. Since it's with the kuppa it won't cost much and you can always go to someone private for a second opinion. You can also call her up after you go and tell her what the neurologist said and ask her if she thinks it's worth going to someone else - she is doing chessed to help people and she knows tons about ADHD and the doctors here. She is not making money from sending to private (or any) doctors.

The neurologist prescribes the medication - you need to go back/ call to him/her if it doesn't work and you want to try something else. But once you know what you need, your ped can keep prescribing so you don't have to go back.
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