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Feeling very pressured financially re: sibling's wedding
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 11:37 am
I'm feeling such financial pressure. We have to fly out to where the wedding will be. Accommodations are taken care of but we'll probably have to pay a few can fares. And we need to find gowns and outfits for the whole family, then hair/nails/makeup. We're talking several thousand dollars here! I'm literally thinking of taking a second job to fun d all these extra expenses! And I can't imagine future sibling weddings-- how do people do it?!?!
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 12:11 pm
I do not live near my parents or in-laws. In our family, whoever is making the wedding pays for the plane tickets and gives money towards a gown (not necessarily full amount for the gown, but def a help.) Neither my parents or in-laws are wealthy but they do help out.
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TranquilityAndPeace




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 12:26 pm
If you can't afford it, why not just go with your DH and leave the kids home with relatives/friends for 2 days?

I would have LOVED to go to my only sibling's vort a few years ago, but it would have been very expensive, so we skipped it. We did go to the wedding though. But I knew it was my only sibling's vort ever - and just decided that we cannot afford to do everything.

If you decide that you're all going, plan ahead so that you save money. Flights booked early are much cheaper than flights booked at the last minute. Get gowns at a gemach, although even those fees do add up quickly. See if you can find hair/makeup ladies who are in cosmetology school or just starting out and will do it for very cheap if you allow them to use your 'before and after' photos in their portfolio.

Deep breaths. And Mazel Tov!
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 1:21 pm
OP here. Family ain't helping... they're paying for the wedding. Leaving kids isn't an option.

You know what's funny? I was reading an article in some non jewish magazine over Shabbos, "Simple Ways to Cut Thousands of Dollars from Your Annual Budget." Suggestions included not sending machine-washable clothing to the dry cleaners. I was shocked-- I would never ever imagine doing such a thing! Other suggestions included tweaking car/home insurance for lower payments-- we don't own either a home or a car. And the list continues...

Of course I'm going the gemach route, finding deals, etc. It's still an exorbitant amount of money. Surprised
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 1:28 pm
Nobody will see your nails. Do a pale color yourself. Bring all the nail materials with you for last minute repairs.

You will all be fine in your own usual makeup, with a little more of it put on than usual, for evening emphasis. This is not a movie set.

Your hair is your hair. Neatness and a big smile will be fine in the photos, they don't show much detail anyway. Bring some gel from the drugstore with you, so there is a lot of smoothness, and no messy look, for you and the girls, and that's all.

Really. You will be fine.

The transportation is another matter. Dry cleaning is another matter.
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shabri




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 1:39 pm
Can you leave DH with the kids and just go yourself?
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 1:40 pm
do your girls have to have their hair professionally done? I understand you probably will have your shaitel professionally washed and set, but okay, you're an adult. As far as nails- don't see that one as a MUST HAVE. and as far as makeup- do you apply it well yourself? I would rather invest in $80 worth of new makeup and have something to actually take home with me, than pay a person to apply it one time on me. I did my own makeup for my brother's wedding, and may I say, I did it extremely well. I'm so glad I did not waste my time with a "professional" person that never quite puts it on the way I like it.

with regards to gowns- do you really have to wear a poofy gown or can you get away with a cocktail dress from macys or something. People get away with so much more today (shells under gowns instead of building up sleeves) so if you can get away with it, why not take advantage?
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tsiggelle




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 1:41 pm
how can hair, nails , makeup and borrowed gowns add up to several thousand dollars?

please excuse my ignorance, but can you educate me?
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 1:45 pm
I think more ladies get professional make up for a close simcha than have their sheitel done professionally? It may be here.

Puffy gowns and generally long gowns here are much rarer unless you are the bride Wink so it helps money wise too...
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 1:49 pm
amother wrote:
OP here. Family ain't helping... they're paying for the wedding. Leaving kids isn't an option.

You know what's funny? I was reading an article in some non jewish magazine over Shabbos, "Simple Ways to Cut Thousands of Dollars from Your Annual Budget." Suggestions included not sending machine-washable clothing to the dry cleaners. I was shocked-- I would never ever imagine doing such a thing! Other suggestions included tweaking car/home insurance for lower payments-- we don't own either a home or a car. And the list continues...

Of course I'm going the gemach route, finding deals, etc. It's still an exorbitant amount of money. Surprised


And non-Jews would never dream of spending thousands of dollars on wigs, having others do their hair (sheitls) instead of washing them at home, or insisting that anyone other than members of the bridal party in a wedding wear clothes of a particular color.

Lots of people dry clean washable clothes, including wool sweaters. My DH dry cleans washable pants. Of course, his pants also last him 15 years that way.

Finally, BH, there are no laws (outside the Arab world, where they could be, for all I know) forbidding Jews from owning homes or cars. Indeed, many, many Jews do own homes and cars.

I'm just not sure what your point is in making these ridiculous statements.

As to your other points:

If you have to fly, then you have to fly. Find the cheapest air fare possible.

You don't need to have your hair, makeup or nails done. Do them yourself. Presumably you do your kids' hair at home, and do whatever it is that you do with your hair or sheitl. Unless you're the person who only brushes her hair every several months, just do what you ordinarily do.

For yourself, don't you own a dress that is appropriate for a wedding? And your husband must own a suit. For kids, given the prices I usually hear around here, don't go the gemach route. Try sales at local stores, and try ebay. Eg, I just picked a size at random, 6x:

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Girls-.....5ce2a

http://www.ebay.com/itm/LITTLE.....e69aa

http://www.ebay.com/itm/NWT-RA.....0c331

Best part of all: you can re-sell afterwards, and recoup part of your expenses.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 1:58 pm
I know some non Jews who go to the hairdresser every week (!) and get high and low lights up to once a month!

Quote:
insisting that anyone other than members of the bridal party in a wedding wear clothes of a particular color.


I have seen it among non Jews online.
For me it will always be a puzzlement. Wink
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thankyou




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 2:01 pm
Some things you can't cut? OK keep them- flight that is. You can do your own nails, your own make up (or a friend or a sister can help you with that), you can have your wig done simply (if at all) so that it costs less. Your gown definitely doesn't need to cost that much --either take from a gemach (if there's a cheap one around you) or use something that you have (try to be creative)) or buy a cheap one (look for sales, you don't need to have one made especially for you etc).
If you are not willing to concider the above then I guess you SHOULD be stressed out- this is never ending, there are always going to be new things to spend on if you need to do exactly what everyone else does.
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anonymrs




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 2:13 pm
Op, if you tell us where you are located, we may be able to advise you where you can get things done for the best prices.
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cityofgold




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 2:17 pm
About doing your own makeup--you can probably get some tips online on how to apply makeup so it lasts and is more dramatic, like they do in weddings. My mother taught me some tricks on getting it to last, and I did my own at my last family wedding--and my eye shadow lasted the whole evening. (that was most important to me as who needs blush after dancing all night, mascara always stays on, and lipstick is easy to find in the kind that's like paint. )
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Shuly




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 2:19 pm
2 of my siblings got married after me. I did my own makeup for both. I got a regular wash and set for my sheitel and had a family member help me pin it half up. I did not get my nails done for the second wedding. The dresses were from gemachs or bought on sale. I think the most expensive thing was my teenage nieces' hair - we had it done by a young married girl who was learning how to do hair/sheitels.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 2:23 pm
I couldn't afford to take my family once to my siblings wedding, so I went on my own. Other times we all went, if we found cheap tickets, and it was in palce of our annual vacation.

I never paid for make up, hairdo etc. Once I did, for my dds, but it was a waste of money imho. I do wash my sheital, - no fancy updo - but my sheital needs washing once every few months anyway. A few weddings ago I bought an outfit which I have worn to 3 weddings so far. It cost me well under $100. I bought it in a department store, the type of outfit that looks ok with a shell.

So lets see - the last wedding I took my kids to, I think I spent: $100 on an outfit for me, which I have worn twice since. About $50-$70 each for my 3 dds, including shoes, hair accessories. (I still have 2 of those dresses in perfect condition, I should sell them on ebay, btw it cost me the same to rent dresses from a gemach for another wedding) So thats $310 on clothes. I bought new suits for my sons, but I skipped buying them yt suits that year, so it wasn't an added expense. $40 to wash my sheital. $350. Ok, if you find much more expensive clothes it will cost you more. I am not very fussy. I think we did match our kids at that wedding, but we were buying dresses anyway since none of us lived near a gemach. Adults all wore whatever they wanted.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 2:38 pm
OP - I can totally relate.
My sibling's wedding is in Israel in a couple of months, and although we are not paying for tickets, accommodation or children's clothing (they are flower girls etc, so my parents are paying for all of that), I am STILL getting nervous about the mounting expenses.
Vacation: My kids wear uniform, so have only a couple of everyday outfits each, now I need to buy more everyday clothing for them, bc I don't know about laundry facilities where we are staying.
Clothing for me and DH - his suit is on the way out, and is gray. He wears it everyday to work and for shabbos. Not okay for a wedding. He would get a new one anyway, but probably not for a few more months... I am expecting and although hoping to get a gemach gown, I will probably need new shoes. Also something for sheva brachos, as I normally only have one shabbos thing I wear to death in pregnancy, but I need more than one for aufruf, shabbos sheva brachos etc.
Vacation expenses: taxis to and from airport in both countries, meals out, random stuff, taking kids touring a bit (first visit to israel that they are old enough to remember/appreciate), taxis in israel. We still want to make it a vacation to remember, bc when will we next get tickets for the whole family to israel?? All stuff we wouldn't have spent on if we were home.
It's not going to add up to THAT much, but when you live month to month, it makes a big difference, and yes, I am stressed about it.
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GreenEyes26




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 3:37 pm
It's a siblings wedding. They only get married once. You do what you have to do. Expenses like this come up in families. You do the best you can. Barring extreme financial circumstances, you can't not go to your siblings wedding because you can't afford to get your nails done. Especially if your a married sibling with multiple kids, no one gives a darn about your nails or hair.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 5:56 pm
Mazel Tov on your simcha!

I would like to say two things: ONE: At my wedding, in which btw, my sil is a wedding planner, NO ONE KEPT TO THE COLOR SCHEME on my husbands side of the family, which broke my heart. They didnt do ONE thing that we asked them to do dress wise. Matching is big in the non jewish world also ladies, more so...Also, dont say that no one will notice the little kids hair. EVERYONE NOTICES. EVERYONE. People talk about a sil of mine that didnt have her kids hair done for my wedding in shock STILL 15 years later. Just bc one person doesnt notice doesnt mean the majority wont.

Also, when is the chuppah? Macys always has STUNNING gowns available noch chaga time for dirt cheap..you can get a simple shell to under...same with the little girls and boys you can cute little matching suits for at the same place...After the holidays stores are practically giving this stuff away..and I agree with the thought you can go to a beauty school and they usually do a great job for under ten dollars a person. Is it possible for you to take a loan from a gemach?
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 13 2011, 6:05 pm
amother wrote:
Mazel Tov on your simcha!

I would like to say two things: ONE: At my wedding, in which btw, my sil is a wedding planner, NO ONE KEPT TO THE COLOR SCHEME on my husbands side of the family, which broke my heart. They didnt do ONE thing that we asked them to do dress wise. Matching is big in the non jewish world also ladies, more so...Also, dont say that no one will notice the little kids hair. EVERYONE NOTICES. EVERYONE. People talk about a sil of mine that didnt have her kids hair done for my wedding in shock STILL 15 years later. Just bc one person doesnt notice doesnt mean the majority wont.

Also, when is the chuppah? Macys always has STUNNING gowns available noch chaga time for dirt cheap..you can get a simple shell to under...same with the little girls and boys you can cute little matching suits for at the same place...After the holidays stores are practically giving this stuff away..and I agree with the thought you can go to a beauty school and they usually do a great job for under ten dollars a person. Is it possible for you to take a loan from a gemach?


I'm actually envious that this is what breaks your heart. Most people I know sadly have more tragic things going on in life then non matching gowns.
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