Feeling very pressured financially re: sibling's wedding

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 6:06 pm

amother wrote:

Mazel Tov on your simcha!

I would like to say two things: ONE: At my wedding, in which btw, my sil is a wedding planner, NO ONE KEPT TO THE COLOR SCHEME on my husbands side of the family, which broke my heart. They didnt do ONE thing that we asked them to do dress wise. Matching is big in the non jewish world also ladies, more so...Also, dont say that no one will notice the little kids hair. EVERYONE NOTICES. EVERYONE. People talk about a sil of mine that didnt have her kids hair done for my wedding in shock STILL 15 years later. Just bc one person doesnt notice doesnt mean the majority wont.

Also, when is the chuppah? Macys always has STUNNING gowns available noch chaga time for dirt cheap..you can get a simple shell to under...same with the little girls and boys you can cute little matching suits for at the same place...After the holidays stores are practically giving this stuff away..and I agree with the thought you can go to a beauty school and they usually do a great job for under ten dollars a person. Is it possible for you to take a loan from a gemach?

this is totally off topic, but I find this so sad, that people should be talking about your sister who did not have her hair done at your wedding years and years ago? That plain sad. why is this anyone's business??

ima m

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 6:07 pm

hair, nails and makeup is a luxury for those that can afford it, there is no need to give in to the pressures of society and become broke, you need to live within your means, you should not feel out of it because you are not dressed the same way as everyone because you cant afford it, you need to spend wisely, that is how the world works, the last few weddings I have been to my friends made a joke that I have worn the same dress, I laughed it off, I cant afford a new one and there is nothing wrong with the one I have

ima m

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 6:27 pm

I would also like to add that for my SIL wedding a few months ago I borrowed a dress from my sister, did my nails myself, my sister did my make up and I wear a scaf on my head so did not need my shital done, no one said anything about me not spending a single penny on how I looked, it can be done and mazel tov btw, dont mean to sound too harsh but dont like it when people go bankrupt becasue soicty tells them to and it is a simcha, it is supposed to be happy time focused on the coulpe, I think this sometimes is forgotten

Barbara

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 6:32 pm

Raisin wrote:

amother wrote:

I'm actually envious that this is what breaks your heart. Most people I know sadly have more tragic things going on in life then non matching gowns.

I was thinking the same thing.

Over the past 15 years, we've had 9/11 and the global economic crisis. The Japanese and Indonesian tsunamis. Hurricane Katrina. The slaughter in Mumbai. On the positive side, a young girl of 5 has grown to a grown woman of 20. And there are people who are still talking not only about the way that kid's hair was styled at a wedding when she was a little girl, but are in *shock* over it????

And FTR, my wedding was in our pre-frum days. My bridesmaids were asked to wear a certain color. My SILs, nieces, and the mothers were free to dress as they wanted. That's pretty much the norm outside the frum world, abd outside of Bridezillas. I had a hairdresser come to the shul to do our hair. We all did our own makeup.

groisamomma

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 6:47 pm

amother wrote:

Amother, can you puh-leeeze post under your own s/n? I just about got a kick out of your post. One part of me feels pity for you and the other part of me feels disgust. Ugh. (I wonder if you're not my next-door neighbor? You sound eerily similar.)

OP, please don't take a loan out for such trivialities. While it may seem insurmountable now, do as the other posters suggested and cut costs everywhere you can. I'm hoping your family isn't like amother, and will be more understanding.

May we all have tzaros that resemble those of the amother above. Amen.

TranquilityAndPeace

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 6:55 pm

amother wrote:

Sweetie, I hope your fragile heart has recovered at some time in the past 15 years regarding the colors your husband's family wore to the wedding. May nothing worse ever happen to you, as you obviously cannot handle much of anything at all.

amother

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 9:53 pm

amother wrote:

I'm feeling such financial pressure. We have to fly out to where the wedding will be. Accommodations are taken care of but we'll probably have to pay a few can fares. And we need to find gowns and outfits for the whole family, then hair/nails/makeup. We're talking several thousand dollars here! I'm literally thinking of taking a second job to fun d all these extra expenses! And I can't imagine future sibling weddings-- how do people do it?!?!

I have a friend that went herself to siblings weddings bec. taking the whole family was not practical, epecially if there will be a few of these weddings, I think it's something to consider.

aidelmaidel

Sun, Nov 13 2011, 10:42 pm

Op: please remember that this is a simcha, and that you, baruch hashem, have a reason to be happy!

For many BTs and Gerim, there are little or no siblings, and even when they get married, they aren't always marrying yidden.

Baruch hashem you are blessed. Focus on the simcha. Anyone who wants to hock you over what you choose to spend on and what you choose to cut is not worth listening to.

For what its worth, this idea that we have to fly everywhere for every simcha is only in the last 20 years or so. Before the 80s/90s, very few people flew overseas for a siblings wedding much less with their whole family. Sometimes, the parents didn't even come.

There are plenty of letters where peoplke wrote to the Lubavitcher Rebbe, asking for a brocha to travel to a family wedding and the rebbe instructed them not to go (for a variety of reasons, not always explained why).

Its okay to go by yourself, its okay to do your own sheitel, makeup, etc.

Recently my Rabbi married off daughter #5 (kid #8), and daughter #1 lives in Australia. She can't afford to fly her family of 5 kids in half way around the world. So she came with her baby and her gown from the gemach, had her sheitel done here, her mother paid for her makeup, and she splurged I believe and spent $10 on a manicure.

It's okay.

Marion

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 1:57 am

You know, Amother whose sibling is getting married in Israel, it's OK to travel by bus instead of by cab. Even in Israel. Even in Jerusalem. (And, if you're blessed with a large family, don't forget there are only 4 seats available in a standard cab...everyone fits on the bus!)

OP, everything here is a little more laid back. We got married 8 months after one of my BILs...all my SILS (except the new one) wore the same dresses. BIL might have worn the same suit as he wore to his wedding. I'm not sure my FIL even bothered to get his hair cut, and I *know* my younger SILs did their own hair and nails. My SILs' dresses were "purple", on the red side of the spectrum. My own sisters wore "purple", on the blue side of the spectrum. No one noticed. My mother got a new outfit; my MIL got a new outfit (and she has worn it in various combinations for weddings & shabbatot ever since). Married SIL wore a nice tichel. MIL & mom got hats to match their outfits. (From experience I can tell you a nice hat is more expensive than a wash & set, at least here.)

I can commiserate with the costs. When my sister got married in chu"l 3 years ago my parents paid for the flights, and I booked a rental car on airline points. We kept entertainment costs to a minimum. My other sister is getting married this summer, and beyond the fact that we need 2 more seats on the flight (DS#2 was under 2 last time, and DS#3 will be over 2 this time...), we need a larger rental car, and admission for everything will be more expensive (as we used all our points on our last trip). I'm looking at $7000 just in airfare, and no one has volunteered to pick up the bill this time. DH is getting a new suit only because he no longer fits in the other one (actually, I think he might just get new pants); I imagine I'm going to find something in my cupboard that I can mix and match so that it's "new" and I'm telling you now that when after Pesach the outfits go on sale for 50NIS...I'm buying in 3 sizes so that my boys "match" each other. My sister doesn't seem to care if they match what the adult men are wearing or not. Maybe we'll splurge on new kippot for them...

There's not much you can do about the airfare, but consider what else you can compromise or be flexible on to cut costs. (We are actually considering doing without the rental car; trying to see if it's feasible or not.)

imaima

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 2:45 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

amother wrote:

Noone in my family came to my wedding except for mom. You crowd would probably have stoned us all..

3 little 1s

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 6:21 am

To OP,
If you are self concious and that is how things are done by you (matching gowns etc) then people here should be a bit more sympathetic to you. It must be very hard to think of the expense. I can tell you something that will be terribly hard but will save your children from the same hardship.
If you do have to 'make do' with yourself as the make up artist, and do your daughters hair yourself, if your boys can wear their Shabbos suits....and you can do it with a smile (even a pretend one) then your children if/when they find themselves in similar situations as adults, they will not feel the same amount of pressure. They will remember their mother with a smile and a happy attitude doing the same for them. Even better, if you tell them and yourself, you look beautiful when you are all done up!

If it is too much and you cant cut back on anything, then there are some good suggestions here. Try and get in touch with make up and sheital people that are training or starting out, to give you a free or cheap deal, or get a friend who you admire their make up to do it for you all. Get gowns from a gemach etc

I hope you manage to find ways of making it easier, and if not, I hope you manage to change your perspective to feel positive about the cuts you need to make. As a well known poem goes...

Hashem/ G-d grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage, to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 11:27 am

amother wrote:

Did you offer to pay for them to wear that color gown, or to ge their hair done?

I am in shock that people in your family are so shallow as to talk about it 15 years later.

5S5Sr7z3

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 1:26 pm

Here's how I did it for my brothers wedding:

My son - I did buy him a suit, because he didnt own one (he refused to go to shul at that time so I didnt see a point in buying him one)

my daughter - I bought her a gorgeous gown on ebay for $15 (including shipping). You would need at least a month to allow it to be delivered to you in time, most of these cheap gowns come from china

Husband - nothing. He wore his regular shabbos bekeshe.

Me - I bought an 'evening outfit' at a bridal store, it was under $150, and I've been reusing it. Ballgown skirt + nice satiny top = gorgeous outfit.

Daughters hair - I put it up into a half pony with a huge flower with lots of ribbons and pearls hanging off it that I made myself.

Myself - Did my nails myself, makeup myself (and people were asking me who the makeup artist was), and I got a high school girl that just finished a hair course to do my wig for $25.

It can be done on a budget, you just have to be willing to do it!

Raisin

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 1:32 pm

amother wrote:

raisin, sorry to disappoint you, but this is what 19 yr old kallahs are thinking about. they want everything to look perfect.

what makes you think I wasn't 19 or a kallah once? And with all the kallahs in my family that I can remember , maybe ONE was a teeny little bit like that. No one else cared. Being happy and getting married does not always entail making others miserable.

Oh, and being (hopefully secretly) disapointed that your neices did not have updos or whatever at your wedding is one thing. Being upset 15 years later is another.

OOTBubby

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 1:36 pm

amother wrote:

raisin, sorry to disappoint you, but this is what 19 yr old kallahs are thinking about. they want everything to look perfect.

And hopefully their mothers have more sense and can let them know it isn't practical unless someone is paying for it.

I've married off 12 children בלי עין הרע and while some of the weddings had somewhat of a color scheme, in any case that the baalei simcha really wanted it kept to, they paid for it. In other cases, the kallah had a color she wanted (in all cases these were my DILs) and I said that I would do my best to wear that color (and I managed to do so), but couldn't guarantee all the siblings would (toward my younger kids, that was a lot of people -- and many of my DILs come from large families too). In all cases, the kallah was fine with that and the weddings were beautiful and the pictures are beautiful. In general those who didn't wear the suggested color tried to stay in neutral colors, so it worked.

intrigued

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 1:39 pm

I think OP has more of a problem the fact that she has to travel than paying for clothes and stuff. That can be easily budgeted. It's the expenses of the tickets and costs that come with when you are guests. These things add up. Travelling to and from the airport, taking care of food for the family and entertainign the kids etc. All these things add up and are unavoidable.

OP if you really can't afford it I suggest you go alone.