Feeling very pressured financially re: sibling's wedding

chocolate chips

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 1:44 pm

Ok so I could have written this thread!

so many things aren't a problem for me as they are for op but I can understand where she is coming from. I have my first sib getting married...going alone is not an option, we want to go and stay for y"t after. Tickets are crazy prices and we just cannot see how we will pay them (we will but with alot ALOT of pressure and stress) I will probably end up doing my wig myself although I would loveeee to get it done nicely...I will probably go to a cheap/free gemach to get a gown. my makeup I will probably do myself same as my nails and I still cannot sleep over the $$$ that tickets and expenses there will cost me.

I dont know if there is anything we can do 'less' to cheapen it,...there isn't. life is expensive and as dh keeps telling me if you want to enjoy it you also gotta suffer it ie: we will go and enjoy IYH as best we can afford but it will probably break us financially and we will have to work extremely hard to make it up.

oh and edited to add: I know plenty people say that parents pay for tickets for siblings wedding but there is no way in the world I would ask them to do that, they are making a wedding and its not easy financially for them either...and if they did offer to pay I would feel guilty the entire time that they spent even more money they dont have.

yo'ma

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 1:56 pm

Another one whose whole family didn't go because it was too expensive. I actually missed 2 siblings weddings, but that was because I was due then. The wedding we all didn't go to, I went with the under 2 yr old baby because he was much cheaper. I was disappointed with it, but that's life and I got over it.

aidelmaidel

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 2:01 pm

If we made simpler weddings we could spend money towards transit for relatives.

In previous generations, it wasn't unusual to only have the parents of the chosson and kallah.

The lubavitcher rebbe got married without his parents presence (mostly because of the war).

Its not unheard of. Its okay to not go. No where is it written you must bankrupt yourself for a simcha.

amother

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 2:02 pm

OP here.

Not all going isn't always an option, especially if other siblings are flying their whole families in from much farther-- and especially if there's no one to leave the kids with.

There is also a lot of pressure to conform to what everyone else is doing.

In the non jewish velt, I know girls who have been invited to be bridesmaids but would have had to purchase a specific dress that was expensive... and I know girls who have attended the wedding but not as a bridesmaid because all the expenses were too much. But the way we do it, the family is the wedding party and you can't just decide to be stam a guest-- it would be ridiculous.

chocolate chips

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 2:02 pm

aidelmaidel wrote:

No where does it say that op (or my parents for that matter) are going all out in a huge fancy wedding...my wedding and im sure my sisters too, was nice but simple.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 2:03 pm

My brother got married in E"Y two years ago and I went with my 21 month old baby. I would've loved to take my whole family, especially since my DH is very close to this brother, but it simply wasn't a financial option for us. (We considered DH going instead of me, but as my mother isn't well my family felt it was very important for me to go as Kibbud Em since she needed me to help care for her.)

I did have my wig styled (here). I bought a gown for $90 and wore it to my sister's wedding two months before this one, and to this one ($45 per wedding. I wish I still fit into it). I borrowed an adorable gown for my little daughter, and scooped her curls into a high pony, and she toddled around looking precious.

For all my siblings weddings, I did my own makeup (the only time I had my makeup done was for my own wedding and she did an AWFUL job. I have never let anyone else do it for me since. And I do makeup pretty well, if I do say so myself.)

The only money I spent on that trip was some bus rides to go to my MIL A"H's kever, and to the Kosel, and some snacks and stuff for my DD. My parents had rented an apartment and I stayed with them.

In a large family like mine, and my DH's family too, there's B"H B"AH K"Y weddings all the time (I've had two siblings and a niece get married in the past two years, and one niece getting married next month, and there are more on the shidduch scene B"EH). You cut where you have to. I do my best to take a middle-road approach and blend on the one hand and limit the expenses so it doesn't get out of control OTOH. Sometimes that means not doing what people expect, and if they are shocked for the next 15 years, that's their problem not mine.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 2:07 pm

amother wrote:

Yes you can. Pressure is just that - pressure. I've had weddings overseas where other members of my family took their kids and I did not.

Not having where to leave the kids is a problem sometimes - and that was also a factor why DH and I didn't both go to two of my brother's weddings.

Posters are saying it's not an option - but it is an option - just one that some choose not to take. If I would've taken my kids, I wouldn't be able to meet my budget (tuition, etc..) and it's all a matter of priorities.

Raisin

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 2:32 pm

Why should other people bringing their family affect your decision? If you don't have the money, you don't. By each of my siblings weddings, some people came with family, some didn't.

If you mean you and dh go and leave the kids, yes that can be hard to manage. But a few times I went and left dh alone with the kids. With the help of a babysitter for the times he had to be out, we managed.

I really think it is unfair of family to pressure you into spending money you don't have, unless they are offering to sponser the tickets.

amother

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 3:02 pm

OP again. I don't want to look like the cheap one or the one who doesn't care about the sibling/family enough to foot my bills for the simcha.

Everyone things they are tight in the finances department. I know a fancy doctor whose salary is well into the six figures... and they claim to be tight because they don't get the tuition etc. breaks "that everybody else gets."

We are definitely tight - and so are other family members - but they're scraping together the funds to give it all they've got - and I strongly feel that I'm expected to do the same.

DefyGravity

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 3:12 pm

I don't understand why people care so much about what their siblings do for their wedding. I don't care (or remember) who did or didn't have their hair/makeup professionally done for my wedding. I thought about having colors for the wedding, but once I realized how hard it is just to get something tznius, I had my sil and mothers get whatever they liked.

Nails? Who cares and notices if they're manicured or not! I didn't have mine done for any sibling weddings or weddings that I've been a bridesmaid in. I've done my own makeup for weddings I've been a bridesmaid in. I still looked good.

As for Shaitel, I usually get a $25 wash and set, and I'm good to go.

I'm flabbergasted that a bride would remember what her little niece's hair looked like at her wedding. Was she sporting a mohawk or something????? Little girls DO NOT need to have money spent on their hair!!!! Put in some cute clips and THAT'S IT!!!!!

If people are worried about going into debt for a sibling's wedding - or spending more money than they feel comfortable with, then their priorities are seriously messed up.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 3:15 pm

amother wrote:

So you are expected to fly everyone in and dress everyone (gowns, makeup, hair, etc..) for siblings weddings...and you are able to finance it though it's not easy to do so...and you don't want anyone to look askance at you, so not doing so is not an option.....

OP B"EH when you make weddings, your family will also expend resources on you. You will likely expect the same, no?

ETA: What I'm trying to say is, not everyone does this. If you want to break the cycle of expectations then posters have told you what other people do. And if you don't want to break the cycle, then you may as well grin and bear it.

Last edited by Chayalle on Mon, Nov 14 2011, 3:41 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 3:16 pm

Your attitude is going to speak volumes. After explaining how tight finances are, the more you rejoice with your family, the more fun you will have. You need to let go of this issue. Your sibling will remember how loving you are during the event, how helpful, how joyful. If there's something very specific that's asked of you that you can't afford, speak up and discuss it in advance so there ar no surprises like the PP who claims no one on the other side wore the right color. That's not a fun surprise to see as the kallah.

suzyq

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 3:25 pm

OP, I'm sad for you that your own family doesn't understand that you can't afford to spend so much money for a sibling's wedding. I would think of everyone, your family would want the best for you and wouldn't even imagine asking you to go into debt to look pretty for their pictures, or accuse you of not caring enough because you don't have the money to lay out. I am sorry this is stressful for you, but my hope would be that if you really can't afford it, and explain that to your family, they could accept it with love. It doesn't mean you don't want to be there, but that you just can't. And if they care so much about how it "looks" then maybe someone in better financial standing can help you out to get there. Being understanding and helpful is what family is for.

tsiggelle

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 3:29 pm

chocolate chips wrote:

Ok so I could have written this thread!

so many things aren't a problem for me as they are for op but I can understand where she is coming from. I have my first sib getting married...going alone is not an option, we want to go and stay for y"t after. Tickets are crazy prices and we just cannot see how we will pay them (we will but with alot ALOT of pressure and stress) I will probably end up doing my wig myself although I would loveeee to get it done nicely...I will probably go to a cheap/free gemach to get a gown. my makeup I will probably do myself same as my nails and I still cannot sleep over the $$$ that tickets and expenses there will cost me.

I dont know if there is anything we can do 'less' to cheapen it,...there isn't. life is expensive and as dh keeps telling me if you want to enjoy it you also gotta suffer it Ie: we will go and enjoy IYH as best we can afford but it will probably break us financially and we will have to work extremely hard to make it up.

oh and edited to add: I know plenty people say that parents pay for tickets for siblings wedding but there is no way in the world I would ask them to do that, they are making a wedding and its not easy financially for them either...and if they did offer to pay I would feel guilty the entire time that they spent even more money they dont have.

with all due respect to you and your dh
no, you dont have to suffer if you want to enjoy it, you dont have to break yourself financially for a siblings wedding. and remember it is the first of your siblings, what will you do by the rest if you are still paying off this one? and when you iyh have more babies, you gotta think about that, you know?

tsiggelle

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 3:32 pm

amother wrote:

so because they are driving themselves meshuga, you also need to? preposterous!

where are your priorities? who is going to live with yourself, you or your siblings?

tsiggelle

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 3:34 pm

amother wrote:

OP - I can totally relate.
My sibling's wedding is in Israel in a couple of months, and although we are not paying for tickets, accommodation or children's clothing (they are flower girls etc, so my parents are paying for all of that), I am STILL getting nervous about the mounting expenses.
Vacation: My kids wear uniform, so have only a couple of everyday outfits each, now I need to buy more everyday clothing for them, bc I don't know about laundry facilities where we are staying.
Clothing for me and DH - his suit is on the way out, and is gray. He wears it everyday to work and for shabbos. Not okay for a wedding. He would get a new one anyway, but probably not for a few more months... I am expecting and although hoping to get a gemach gown, I will probably need new shoes. Also something for sheva brachos, as I normally only have one shabbos thing I wear to death in pregnancy, but I need more than one for aufruf, shabbos sheva brachos etc.
Vacation expenses: taxis to and from airport in both countries, meals out, random stuff, taking kids touring a bit (first visit to israel that they are old enough to remember/appreciate), taxis in israel. We still want to make it a vacation to remember, bc when will we next get tickets for the whole family to israel?? All stuff we wouldn't have spent on if we were home.
It's not going to add up to THAT much, but when you live month to month, it makes a big difference, and yes, I am stressed about it.

about how to do a wedding and vacation in israel for cheaper, open a thread. I think you can get a lot of ideas.
one of them is sherut service from and to airport
busses to get around
cheaper but good places to eat out
nice places with low or no admission prices.

Ruchel

Mon, Nov 14 2011, 9:16 pm

Perfect can also be "everything is going normally".

As a note, there are BTs with several siblings all married in, and FFBs with intermarried siblings (lo alenu) or only children.

Yes, the last Lubavicher rebbe didn't have his parents at his own wedding. One of his brothers didn't get married and the other got married without family there.

slushiemom

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 3:45 am

amother wrote:

raisin, sorry to disappoint you, but this is what 19 yr old kallahs are thinking about. they want everything to look perfect.

I was a 20 year old kallah. the day before my wedding we went to pick up the gown from the gemach, and there was a stain smack in the middle of the chest area from some dried glue. My mom was really upset and offered on the spot to drive around to different gemachs to look for a new gown. me? I couldnt care less. I was marrying my best friend and love of my life the next day, I didnt care about some tiny spot on the gown.

it's really sad that you still care about what your in laws wore, and that others care about a little girl's hair.