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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Teenage son



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amother


 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2011, 10:14 am
Does anyone have a teenage son who has a false sense of entitlement? He thinks he needs Designer clothes, shoes, belts, accessories because everyone else has them!? Honestly, I dn't believe everyone else has them. His obssession with material things grows worse as time goes on along with the level of chutzpah and contempt for his parents who fail to supply these items. Other than speaking to a therapist (did that for several years) speaking to his rebbe, changing schools (did that) speaking to the rov of our shul does anyone out there have a similiar problem or a method that acheived results?
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shalhevet




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2011, 10:27 am
How do you respond when he asks for one of these items? Do you bash him for asking? Do you start telling him he's not going to get anything? Or do you try and understand him? You can sympathize without agreeing to buy anything you don't think is necessary. Ask him if others have these items, ask him how other boys talk/behave to those who don't. teenagers can be under a lot of pressure to conform.

If he says he must have shoes of brand x, you can tell him nicely that your budget doesn't allow it but you can give him $x for shoes and if he wants to use his allowance/ earn some money/ keep his birthday money to add to the sum, that's fine.

You can also talk to him how people want to be important, and this is the easiest way - have a brand y shirt and you are important. Try (at a good moment) to talk to him about how internal things - good middos, learning etc are what is really important and will be admired in the long run.
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iluvy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2011, 10:44 am
Great advice shalhevet!
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max




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2011, 10:46 am
I have tried letting him purchase certain items with his own money. What concerns me is he gets something and he is always onto the next thing. I have tried talking to him about things that are really important have nothing o do with material things. He is lacking in spirituality like alot of teenagers. I understand peer pressure. Some adults suffer from it too! I have enough sense not to keep up with the Schwartzs and have always lived my life that way. He is in out of town yeshiva and when he comes home on an off shabbos I dread the chutzpah and new ideas that come with him!
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shalhevet




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2011, 10:53 am
You still didn't say how you respond - I do not advise giving in under any circumstances (except for coming up with ways he can buy these things himself, unless you decide on one thing for a birthday etc.). You don't have to buy him anything, but you need to show him you understand him. If you just dismiss what he wants he feels you don't care/ don't understand. But you can listen to him and sympathize that it's hard to be different etc.

IMHO obsession with material things can come from several places: a wealthy home where someone always gets the newest and best, a poor home where the parents also feel that they are nebachs that they can't have what they want, poor self-esteem so having the most expensive hat is an easy way to get positive attention, and some people are just born like that with material things being important to them.

Sounds like you are telling him good things - how does he respond?
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2011, 10:54 am
shalhevet wrote:
How do you respond when he asks for one of these items? Do you bash him for asking? Do you start telling him he's not going to get anything? Or do you try and understand him? You can sympathize without agreeing to buy anything you don't think is necessary. Ask him if others have these items, ask him how other boys talk/behave to those who don't. teenagers can be under a lot of pressure to conform.

If he says he must have shoes of brand x, you can tell him nicely that your budget doesn't allow it but you can give him $x for shoes and if he wants to use his allowance/ earn some money/ keep his birthday money to add to the sum, that's fine.

You can also talk to him how people want to be important, and this is the easiest way - have a brand y shirt and you are important. Try (at a good moment) to talk to him about how internal things - good middos, learning etc are what is really important and will be admired in the long run.


I agree.

Adding ... high school is difficult, and no less so for boys than for girls. When everyone else dresses in a certain manner, its difficult to be the one who doesn't. So certainly its not untoward to empathize with him.

But you can teach your son to shop for bargains and discounts, and to compromise where he can. Eg, on Black Friday, American Eagle has everything for 40% off. That's a great time to buy some staples. And, as Shalhevet said, give him a budget. Eg, if he needs new sneakers, you can afford $80 towards them. (My DS is on several sports teams, so good sneakers are a must, and our sneaker budget is high.) If he wants the $140, NBA-player endorsed sneakers, then he has to find a way to get the extra $60. And that may mean that he cuts his other clothing budget. Or that he owns 2 pairs of the pants that he really wants, and takes very good care of them, instead of 4 pairs of acceptable pants. Or that he has the coolest shirts known to boy, and no-name pants.
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max




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2011, 11:11 am
I feel as a mother I am required to provide basic needs that every child is entitled to. The difference is that he confuses wants with needs. How I respond when he asks for certain things that are way over the top is to explain to him that our budget does not allow for these things. For weeks he has been obssessing about Black Friday shoppping. Shopping for bargains should not be a sport or a hobby in my opinion for a teenage boy when he doesn't actually need anythng! At the beginning of the school year I purchased approximately 9 pair of pants and a dozen shirts a couple of sweaters a jacket etc. He doesn't want things from American Eagle he wants Tods Ferragamos Hermes Prada etc.! He claims everyone else has these things! It makes me realize he has HUGE self esteem problems. I'm sure some people have them but not most. He is very angry and disappointed that he has the misfortune to be born into a family of parents that are not affluent and on the economic downturn. He simply has no concept of reality sometimes but what upsets me most is the chutzpah and contempt displayed for my husband for failing to be the provider he thinks he should be!
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5*Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2011, 11:37 am
max wrote:
It makes me realize he has HUGE self esteem problems.


Is there anything else that may make him stand apart from the crowd and affect his self esteem? Learning issues? Social challenges? Or the opposite: Is he a top student or very popular and perhaps feeling like he needs to maintain his image or risk losing it?

When my kids say "everyone has them" they usually mean everyone who's not a social outcast has at least one high-status item, not that everyone has all of those things. It is kind of a jungle out there on the teen social scene with these status items. Maybe just one would satisfy him?
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