hachnasas orchim, how much is too much

chizuk

Tue, Nov 29 2011, 5:12 pm

where does one draw the line? how do you let an over extended visitor nicley know its time to move on? if someone lives by you for a agreed upon amount of time and then informs you they might be extending their stay and its really not doable by you, how in a very mentschlach way (and without guilt) tell them sorry it wont work withut leaving them with no where to go?
I am soooo torn.

imasinger

Tue, Nov 29 2011, 7:02 pm

I'm sorry, gebrucks. That's a tough situation; it happened to us once, too. We invited someone we didn't know for a shabbos, they had problems, and we invited them to come back for a week. The week turned into 3 long, drama-filled months, but we decided that it wouldn't go further. Bottom line is no matter how nicely you say it, they are going to be unhappy and let you know it.

The dilemma reminds me of the guy who wrote to Miss Manners asking how he could break up with his girlfriend without hurting her or causing her to feel rejected. Miss Manners answered him that she could give advice about how to say things in a less hurtful way, but if the girl didn't feel rejected, then she would have missed the point that he was in fact rejecting her!

So I suggest you be both as vague and as firm as possible, and talk about it having to do only with yourselves and your plans (in vague terms). Something like, "I know you really haven't found another place to stay, and I feel so badly that it won't work for you to continue to stay here. However, I cannot offer the space for any longer than we currently agreed upon. I feel so bad about your situation. If it helps, I can write a letter for you so that social services knows that you are losing your place of residence. I wish you all the best in finding something else, but the space where you stayed will no longer be available as of ____. When met with "But what will become of me?" repeat, "I know, I will be davening that you find something else wonderful. Best of luck!" But don't give in.