Crybaby 5 year old son

amother

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 1:19 am

When something doesn't go my son's way he cries, often just for a minute and then gets a hold of himself.
When he is tired- like after 6 pm, the littlelest thing can turn him into hysterics.

I wanted experienced moms advice or opinions on how I've been handling it:

first of all, I'm aware that he loses control when he is tired, so we're moving up bed time to 7 pm instead of 8 pm. maybe even 6:30 if we can get it together (we also have a 2 year old and 3 month old).

I already give him a LOT of 1 on 1 time and attention, I will literally color with him, play games with him and read to him alone for about an hour every evening while my husband is with the 2 year old and the baby is sleeping. so I don't think this is a call for attention.

When he becomes hysterical- crying and crying and not seeming to know how to stop, I tell him to think of funny things to stop the tears and how he is in control of the crying and he can put himself into a better mood. the crying can last up to an hour.

I definately don't tolerate the crying, I am afraid of it becoming a habit and him not able to pull himself out of it.

am I missing something here? did your child grow out of this??

one thing- please don't recommend parenting books, I have read many, many...

noosheen

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 5:40 am

He really is only 5 even though he is your oldest, which is very young. He recently had a new sibling which is for sure something he's still adjusting to.

When u say u don't tolerate his crying, & trying him to get his mind off what he's upset about I personally don't think that's healthy. If he's upset about something I think he needs to feel validated. I know when my youngest one (who is 7 & we all baby) hurts himself even a little he shreiks out - if I just say 'r u ok? Did u hurt your foot?' Hell be fine! His whole mood changes when I acknowledge what has happened.

ellie23

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 8:37 am

here is what I believe. I think it is quite normal..especially in the evening after the whole day. if for example, he wants a cookie but he hasnt had dinner yet and he becomes hysterical you can say out loud so that he hears. "I feel so sad that chaim is feeling sad. I will wait for chaim to be calm so that chaim and mommy can talk about it" then go on with what you need to do and act like there isnt a screaming child in your home. dont look at him dont try to talk to him just wait for him to graduate to sniffles and then go over to him right away and let him know that you are sorry he is sad but that there r no snacks before dinner and distract him with something else perhaps a story.. (never give in to the crying..he will learn he can bend the rules that way)..basically by doing this you are teaching him that you love him, care for him, feel sad that he is sad, and allow him to feel sad BUT that you can not help him or tend to him unless he is not crying/screaming. he will quickly learn this and instead of crying he will communicate more effectively using words.

the world's best mom

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 9:03 am

I have the same thing with my 6 year old, though she cries most in the mornings. She also screams and yells at me. She says, "I'm so mad at you! I'm getting so upset with you." I tell her, "It's okay to be upset, but you need to talk about it calmly instead of crying and screaming at Mommy. I'm taking you to your room now and as soon as you are ready to talk in a pleasant voice, then come on out and we'll talk." It works beautifully for her. She screams as loud as she could for a couple of minutes, and we don't react, so then she gets bored and comes out to talk.

Shalshelet

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 4:12 pm

When my dd first got into a frustrated/crying episodes, I would calm down with her - ie. I would hold her and tell her "Ok lets take deep breaths and calm down. One (breathe in and slowly out), two (do it again), three (and again, ad infinitum)." See if you can get him to mimic you, so that when he finds himself in one of those episodes, he has the tools to calm himself down. B"H we are at a point where I have seen dd calm herself down at times. Once he is calm, then you can have some sort of dialogue to find out how he is feeling and validate (as noosheen mentioned) and see if you can help him out with what he needs if necessary.

spring13

Mon, Dec 26 2011, 4:39 pm

As a former (and to some extent still...) crybaby, I'll say that when I cry for "no reason" (in my case usually because I'm embarrassed), it's worse and harder to get under control when people make a big deal out of it. I get in top of it much more quickly if there's no fuss, if people act like nothing is happening. The fact that people tend to get upset when someone cries (for obvious reasons) makes me feel worse when it happens, and I just end up even more embarrassed and upset.

it sounds like you have a pretty good idea of what sets him off, and can take some specific steps to reduce the chance of it happening. otherwise, if he gets worked up, I'd try giving him time to settle on his own. establish a screaming/crying place away from things (a bathroom? his bedroom?) where he can go by himself, spend as much time as he needs, and come back to join the family when he's ready. if you see he's on the verge of a crying jag, calmly remind him that he can go to his spot if he needs to. Don't force him to go anywhere, but give him the option - and tell him that when he's done, you'll be ready to listen and help figure out how to fix whatever the problem was.

This way, he'll know it's ok to cry if he feels like it, but it won't be as dramatic (for him or you!) as if it's in the middle of everything. he might find it easier to calm down if he's left to manage it on his own. And then when he comes back, he'll be ready to explain what went wrong.

amother

Tue, Dec 27 2011, 12:30 am

OP here.

Thank you for all your helpful responses!

Spring- I also was a huge crybaby, working myself into a tizzy for hours and no one ever encouraged me to stop. I only learned to control myself in my late teens! which is probably why I'm so determined to get a hold on this.

we put him to sleep by 7 pm and guess what? no tears.

I also told him in the morning that if he keeps it together all day he can watch cartoons (don't give me a hard time about that!!) in the afternoon. throughout the day I was like, "look at you, you're solving the issue so well...such a big boy, wow!.." so it was very positive.

one thing you wrote is that 5 yr old is still little, this hasn't even crossed my mind, but it's so true that because he's the oldest we think of him like a big boy, when really 5 years old is not even kindergarten yet.

sneakermom

Tue, Dec 27 2011, 8:47 am

I personally feel crying is healthy. I would not want my kids to feel that their natural reaction to something is wrong and must be suppressed.

For example if I saw my five year old cry because the socks she loves is in the hamper I would reflect that she was really counting on wearing those socks and it makes her sad that they are not clean. Then I would walk away. I don't like hounding my kids either. They need a little space just to be.

If she couldn't stop crying about the socks (inside my patience would be wearing a bit thin) but then I might get firm. I would tell her I know it's hard, and she does indeed love those socks, and they will get clean maybe for tomorrow. Then I would offer her some choice to give her a sense of control. Would you like the black sock with the stripes or the grey socks with the sparkles?

If she still couldn't get it together then I would put a time limit on it. You have two more minutes to mope....and then if you want that special treat or whatever...your socks need to be on.

Basically my thought is go with the feeling, validate them, don't make them feel like their natural reactions are wrong. But then give them some structure so they don't melt into a sea of mashed potato's.