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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Infants

I feel so cruel!

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lamplighter

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 5:36 pm

My daughter will only fall asleep if she cries herself to sleep. If I try to hold her or rock her she resists, arching her body in protest. I tried picking her and down (baby whisperer method), I tried staying in the room and reassuring her verbally, I tried coming in at specific intervals BUT NOTHING WORKED. She just gets more and more worked up and it takes longer for her to fall asleep.
The weird thing is that she used to let me rock her or relax her to sleep in my arms. She hasn't fallen asleep in my arms or rocked to bed in a month.
I feel so mean letting her cry till she falls asleep but what choice do I have?

Maya

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 5:37 pm

How long does she cry before she falls asleep, five minutes, an hour, or something in between?

lamplighter

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 5:52 pm

Something in between. Sometimes it's only 5 minutes other times it takes her a lot longer, but if I go in or talk to her, it escalates and takes longer.

rainbow dash

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 5:59 pm

dont worry if she cries to sleep for 5 or 10 mins but after 10 15 mins I would go in to check on her. I let my babies also cry to sleep. I dont have the enery to stay with them for half an hour till they fall asleep cause of the other kids.

GAMZu

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 6:02 pm

It happened to me with one of my kids. You just have to realize that you DON'T want her to cry, which is what holding her will make her do.
I'm very against CIO, but I had no choice. I had to sit on my hands to prevent myself from picking her up.

MaBelleVie

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 6:06 pm

Is she going full blast, or is it more of a settling herself kind of whimpery whine?

black sheep

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 6:35 pm

I agree with gamzu. I generally do not use cry-to-sleep method, but with some babies it is the only way that works. remind yourself that it is unhealthy for her to not go to sleep when she is tired, and then make sure she is fed, changed, safely in her crib, and let her have a healthy cry. tell her sweetly that you love her and will come back in to get her when she wakes up, even though she is an infant she will feel the love. on the other hand, if she cries more than 5-10 minutes, I would go in to check on her and reassure her again, even if this prolongs it a bit. I just don't think it's physically or emotionally healthy to leave babies to cry for long periods of time. but don't pick her up, just pat her, tell her you love her and its nap time, and go back out again for another ten minutes.

yjlz

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 6:41 pm

I also went through a similar thing! My baby wouldn't even nurse to sleep sometimes. Babies change so much that in a week or two yours may out grow this phase. If not tell yourself you are doing the best you can! Give your baby some extra love during wake time and before sleep time. It takes a lot more then 5/10 minutes of crying to really effect your baby (I think!) It is a terrible feeling to listen to your baby cry but if they got over tired it will just get worse and worse. Try writing down their sleep schedule and you might see a pattern (I.e. cries less if put to sleep with in 3 hours of waking versus 3 1/2)

How old is your baby?

lamplighter

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 9:21 pm

I should go in and reassure her even if it upsets her and overstimulates her? She does not calm down when I come to check up on her or talk to her.

How long is too long to let her cry?
Will it stop or will every nap and every sleep start with all this crying?

it breaks my heart!!!
But if it's "good" for her, I'll man up.

Sherri

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 9:29 pm

I wonder if soothing music would hurt or help.

chocolate chips

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 9:59 pm

My baby started doing this recently. He starts to cry when we walk into his room and switch out the light then he screams. Sometimes for 5 minutes and falls asleep and sometimes after 15 minutes I have to go in, wipe his tears and put his pacifier back in.
Other times I give up and bring him out for a bit one night he ended up falling asleep two hours later in my bed...after screaming for ages.

Dh cannot take the screaming so he sometimes goes in and holds him in the dark. He has a thing that he stops himself from falling asleep.
I have music and night light etc. but he just cries until he falls asleep.

It bugs me too but I know the only way he will fall asleep is if I leave him be. The more I go in the more he screams. I just put my music on loud too so I don't hear it so much and he eventually he stops.

Hug

its the hardest thing...especially when I see later his sheets are wet from tears Sad

precious

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 10:03 pm

is it possible that she's overtired?

chevron

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 10:13 pm

What about a rhythmatic pat combined with sh sh sh.

I'm still going back and forth with my son. I know its terrible but at your daughters age she will probably get used to falling asleep really soon and hopefully stay that way.

yjlz

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 10:41 pm

It will stop! Babies change SO quickly... how old is your baby? Is this your first?

My baby is the same way! If she sees me or DH she just cries harder.

You have to do what you think is right.. your the mommy you know best. Try to trust your gut a bit. I read a lot of books on babies sleep habits too. That helped. There isn't one right answer.
I know thats hard but I think learning to trust yourself as a mother is important too Wink

lamplighter

Thu, Feb 16 2012, 12:03 am

She is my first. She is 4 months old. She has gone through different stages of what helps her go to sleep but now she seems to just need to be left alone even though she's crying out to me.
Ive read almost every book on sleep!
She isn't overtired. I put her for a nap after about an hour of being up (I recognize her tired signs) and to sleep sometime between 7 and 8 pm.

I've put music on but I didn't notice a difference.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Feb 16 2012, 12:21 am

OP does not mention if she is using a Nuk pacifyer. Another poster mentioned a pacifyer, but not OP. They are good.

Chocolate Chip's husband is getting good results. Maybe OP's DD would respond better to her DH. As a mammal, DD might know that he is The Big Strong Protector member of the firm. For DD to feel safe enough to go to night sleep, as opposed to day nap, she might therefore want him around, instead of her Mom. As a mammal, she knows night is more dangerous than day. That's when the predators hunt. Position it that way to him - protector needed. I am not saying all babies think this way, but this one might be. Wouldn't hurt to try.

The room should be quite dim, dark, and quite cool temperature.

You might leave the door open a little so she can hear and smell you a little in another room.

You might put her night garment inside your blouse for ten minutes, so it has your smell on it. Or even DH's smell on it, from being inside his shirt for ten minutes.

Lydia

Thu, Feb 16 2012, 1:16 am

She sounds similar to one of my kids who was a sleep fighter. From the time she was about 5 months old until 3 years or so, she cried nearly every time she had to go to sleep. Never wimpery cries--loud screaming. For a LONG time-at least an hour. When she was a baby, I would try to nurse, sing, or rock her to sleep, but as soon as she would feel her body slipping into sleep, she would fight and scream to stay awake. Holding her didn't help, and it exhausted me physically and emotionally to be holding a screaming, bucking baby for over an hour seemingly pointlessly. Eventually, against my nature, I just had to let her cry in the crib, checking in every once in awhile. There were quite a few times that she fell asleep standing up in her crib, the last words out of her mouth, "I not sleepy!"

When she was about 2 years old, we discovered that if we could hold her completely still and convince her to stop screaming for 30-60 seconds, she would almost always fall asleep. It was like her nervous system couldn't turn itself off, and somehow holding her very close (REALLY tight around her whole body) helped her shut down. I guess it was like swaddling (though actual swaddling never worked). It felt like we were torturing her, because we had to really force her body physically to be still, but in the end she was much happier while awake, and she eventually learned how to shut down on her own. By the way, I talked to my pediatrician about it because I wanted to make sure it was safe, and he said it was fine.

You might try...as you're holding her, when she starts to resist by arching her body and wiggling, wrap your arms around her whole body and really keep her body from arching. Keep singing or shshing or talking or whatever, but don't let her move. It might take a few minutes of real struggling on her part (and it might not work! I'm not making any claims, just that it worked for one kid). It isn't a relaxing transition to sleep, but it's better for everyone than hours of screaming.

Hopefully, like others said, she'll just grow out of this stage soon.

StrongIma

Thu, Feb 16 2012, 2:28 am

I also think she will outgrow this stage soon - only to start another stage and iyh yet another -welcome to mothering.

it's a good sign that you feel cruel and yet decide to do what's best for her - you will iyh grow used to this feeling often in the future when discipline comes into play. deep down they feel this and know that you are doing it for their own good

much nachas!

intrigued

Thu, Feb 16 2012, 5:42 am

I had that with my son once he gave up nursing to sleep at 10 months he had to be on his own to fall asleep. He wouldn't cry though but if someone were to walk near him it would work him up.

I understand that you feel that you are denying them a soothing bedtime routine but if thats what they need then it's the best thing for them. I also feel bad that I never get the pleasure of putting him to sleep other than a hurried Shema and a kiss. Now at almost 2 he doesn't get nervous if I stay around but he doesn't need it either.

Shopmiami49

Thu, Feb 16 2012, 7:49 am

Lydia wrote:

I agree with this. I have heard from several friends of mine who have children with sensory sensitivities that when they start getting wild or cryig/screaming hysterically, sometimes all they need is a tight, firm hug to help them relax their body since they have trouble managing that on their own.

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