What are AT-Risk Factors

ILOVELIFE

Sun, Dec 03 2006, 9:17 am

I subscribe to Rabbi Yakov Horowitz (of Project YES) parenting Q and A forum. He has now begun to discuss At-risk factors.

I agree with much of what he says but I'd like to hear from you: What do YOU think is a factor for kids to go off the derech? What makes you think so?Do you have proof?

This shld get real interesting.

shininglight

Sun, Dec 03 2006, 9:22 am

I think number one factor is that the kids don't feel happiness and love at home. That doesn't mean that the parents don't provide it or work hard to provide it, but that the kids don't FEEL it. It's different.

Also, we can't forget that there are medical (chemical imbalances in the brain, for example) and academic challenges that kids have which might prevent them from feeling accepted in school and in their world in general. This is a big deal, and cannot be fully blamed on the home atmosphere.

amother

Sun, Dec 03 2006, 9:34 am

I also subscribe to his column. I think I'll post the original here.

Dear Readers:

Last week’s column evoked a flood of email responses from readers around the world and generated some posts on my website.

Due to the importance of this subject, I am suspending the Q&A component of this column for the next few weeks, as I amplify the themes raised – and eventually get to the question posed by Dovid last week – “What are the risk factors?”

Airing these subjects is not an easy thing to do, but it is a very necessary one. Please feel free to participate in the dialogue by posting your comments below the articles.

Phase Three

Mishkan, Teivah, and … Spacesuit???

At last year’s Agudath Israel Convention, I was chairing a Project YES session on chinuch-related matters and the featured speaker was my dear chaver, Rabbi Noach Orlewik s’hlita. Rabbi Orlewik, fresh off a plane from Eretz Yisroel, spoke brilliantly about chinuch, teens, and parenting matters. After his presentation, there was an extended Q&A segment with questions posed to any of the five people on the panel.

At one point in the session, Rabbi Orlewik and I were sharing the podium while responding to a series of hard-hitting questions. Then, someone got up and asked us to share our thoughts regarding the subject of the Internet (to-ban-or-not-to-ban?).

At that time, there was a great deal of discussion in the broader Orthodox community about how to respond to the challenge of the Internet, and an immediate hush passed through the audience. You could have heard a pin drop in the room as three hundred sets of eyes focused on Rabbi Orlewik and myself. Well, my mother didn’t raise a fool, so I boldly stepped forward, firmly grabbed the microphone ……… and passed it to Rabbi Orlewik.

Reb Noach and I are very close friends and we often kid each other about the fact that we seem to always finish each other’s sentences. So, I was very curious to hear how he would reply to that loaded question.

Rabbi Orlewik was quiet for a few very long moments. He then responded by posing a question. What if someone has diabetes, and plans on attending a fancy wedding where he will be surrounded with food that is terribly harmful to him? Reb Noach responded by noting that the only chance the diabetic individual has to resist the temptations he will inevitably be faced with at the wedding was to see to it that he had a full and satisfying meal before he left his home.

Rabbi Orlewik said that we must accept the fact that each generation throughout our glorious history had its challenges and that the explosion of temptations that our children – and we – face nowadays may very well be ours. More importantly, he pointed out that we must make peace with the fact that we simply cannot shelter our children beyond a certain age. (I would add that the age that we-can’t-shelter-our-children-anymore is getting younger and younger as time passes.)

Rabbi Orlewik hammered home the point over the next few minutes by pointing out that the only solution that we have as parents and educators is to see to it that our kids are ‘full’ when they reach their teen years. And full, he explained, means having an appreciation and genuine love for Torah and mitzvos, nurturing, safe and loving home environments, schools that are welcoming and that inspire children, and rebbeim/moros who develop deep and meaningful relationships with their children, in addition to teaching the timeless lessons of our Torah.

The Evolving Role of Yeshivos

More than a generation ago, Rabbi Yitzchok Hutner z’tl, the revered Rosh Yeshiva of Chaim Berlin, articulated the evolving mission of yeshivos in what was then modern-day America by comparing the mishkan (tabernacle used by the Jews during their sojourn in the desert) to the teivah of Noach (Noah’s ark). The mishkan, he said, was a place where Jews went to be inspired, to become closer to Hashem. Noach’s teivah, on the other hand, was the only haven available to avoid certain death and destruction.

Rabbi Hutner explained that in pre-war Europe, yeshivos were like the mishkan – places where spiritually elevated people went to grow in Torah and yiras shomayim. Those who did not attend yeshiva, however, were still able to remain committed Jews, raised in the nurturing environment of the pre-war shtetel.

Due to the unraveling of the moral fabric of secular society in America, it was nearly impossible for a child to exist as a Torah observant Jew outside the walls of the yeshiva. American Yeshivos, maintained Rabbi Hutner, were more along the lines of the teivah – a structure that offered shelter and protection.

It is interesting to note that while Rav Hutner’s thoughts are often quoted, the context of his comments and their profound message is not as well known. Almost all the times that I heard this insightful quote, it was used to decry the state of today’s eroded moral values. But that is missing his main point!! Rav Hutner was saying how we must change the way that we view our yeshivos. He was suggesting that the holy yeshivos of Voloshin and Slabodka were primarily designed for a tiny percentage of the outstanding achievers in Torah, as the grinding poverty of pre-war Europe forced the vast majority of children above the age of thirteen to join the workforce. American yeshivos and Beis Yakov’s, Rav Hutner maintained, need to be geared for all children to find success and refuge.

Sadly, as I pointed out last week, exactly the opposite has been happening over the past ten-fifteen years. School hours have been getting longer and longer. Kids are offered less time and opportunity to engage in desperately needed recreational activities, all the while greater and greater demands are being made on children. Most shocking of all, is the fact that parents are clamoring to get their children – ready or not – into schools that have the most rigorous demands and who summarily dismiss children for infractions.

Phase Three

All the while, there are huge cultural changes occurring that have profound ramifications for the Torah observant community. I would like to suggest that we are in the midst of a third phase in the evolving role of yeshivos. With the advent of technology, I propose there simply is no teivah anymore. I think that we are deluding ourselves if we think that our children are protected by the fact that we screen what comes into our homes (as we most certainly ought to) and enroll our children in fine yeshivos.

More than seven years ago, I delivered a lecture at a public forum regarding the challenges presented to Torah families by rapidly evolving technology. An individual on the panel who preceded me spoke about the need to ‘circle the wagons’ – keep these influences away from our children. I followed his presentation by stating that I agreed wholeheartedly that parents must be very vigilant about what their children are exposed to, as I have repeatedly stated at virtually every parenting class that I conduct. But I also said that this will not nearly be sufficient, as within ten years, I predicted that our children will be able to go to the local candy store or 7-11 and purchase a disposable palm-size device for $25 (along the lines of a phone card) that will allow them to set up their own email account and go on-line without their parents knowing about it. (Update: We are almost there. One can already purchase an adult-oriented audio IPOD with limited memory for less than $20.) I then spoke about the need to effectively parent our children and see to it that they are in nurturing school and community environments.

I then quoted Rav Hutner’s thought regarding the teivah and I said that we are entering phase three, where parents and schools will need to provide our children with a “spacesuit,” a multi-layered moral compass that is gradually developed during a child’s formative years. Our children need to be prepared to be able to withstand the temptations that nearly all of them will face when they leave the shelter of our homes. Because there is no teivah anymore. There may be one for fifth graders, but there most certainly is no teivah for seventeen-year-olds. So we will need to create spiritual ‘spacesuits’ for our children in order to help their neshamos (souls) survive in the oxygen-deprived atmosphere that exists today.

This notion may be frightening and unsettling, but I think that it is true nonetheless. And we had better start preparing for the new reality.

I keep getting calls from concerned parents from very charedi and chassidish homes asking me how to respond to their teenage children’s requests for IPOD’s. These are sheltered children from heimishe homes. Their parents are rightfully terrified of what the implications are for saying yes to the request, but correctly realize that saying no to the request without a good reason will be counterproductive. They also fully understand that their children can buy it without their permission if they really want to.

What is also unsettling is the fact that many of these parents have no idea what an IPOD is. So there you have it. Kids speaking a language that their parents don’t understand. Children acclimating to a new environment while their parents are like … well, immigrants. The last time we had that experience was on the Lower East Side. Do you have any idea what percentage of the kids left Yiddishkeit in that generation?

Iceberg Ahead!

Everywhere I go, people ask me how things are doing these days regarding the teen-at-risk crisis. I usually nod my head and mumble sweet nothings, as the settings these questions are presented in are generally not conducive to serious discussions. And to be perfectly honest, I have found that most people don’t want to hear the stark reality as I see things.

But if you really want to know my thoughts on this subject, pull up a chair and read these columns for the next few weeks.

For I am terrified of what I see coming. Flat out terrified. I have been feeling this way for a few years now, but the feeling is growing as time goes on. I think that the conditions are ripe for a huge, exponential increase in the number and percentages of our children who will r’l abandon Yiddishkeit – like nothing we have ever seen in our lifetimes – if we don’t dramatically transform the way we parent and educate our children.

We have the ability to make the changes necessary to avoid this catastrophe. We just need to honestly confront the reality at hand and proactively prepare for the future.

© 2006 Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, all rights reserved

Continued next week

shininglight

Sun, Dec 03 2006, 9:39 am

Wow, great newsletter. How does one sign up?

ILOVELIFE

Sun, Dec 03 2006, 10:10 am

amother-thanks for posting

YOu can sign up for emails by going to http://www.rabbihorowitz.com/ and clicking on the button on the side 'sign up for weekly emails'. he sends a d'var torah and a Q&A. YOu can read the archives of Q&A on

http://www.rabbihorowitz.com/P.....ticle

shininglight

Sun, Dec 03 2006, 10:25 am

Thanks! I'll check it out.

Motek

Sun, Dec 03 2006, 3:41 pm

ILOVELIFE wrote:

I agree with much of what he says but I'd like to hear from you: What do YOU think is a factor for kids to go off the derech?

I've posted these quotes in the "Children on the Fringe" thread.

Quote:

Mishpacha magazine, issue 114, cover story, an interview with Rabbi Asher Weiss, a famous av beis din in Yerushalayim, originally from America, popular magid shiur

One of the questions he was asked was:

Is it possible to identify one main reason for the phenomenon of kids drifting away from Yiddishkeit?

His answer:

Quote:

The real antidote to this phenomenon must be administered in the home. By this I mean that the parents must create an atmosphere of joy and warmth in the home.

Today, our children aren't leaving the proper path because their ideals have changed. We are not an "ideals" generation. Our children aren't leaving because of doubts or emuna questions either. They are leaving because they are not happy - not at yeshiva, and not at home. They think they might be able to find happiness somewhere else.

... Parents must load their children with joyous experiences in everything related to Torah and mitzvos.

Motek

Sun, Dec 03 2006, 3:42 pm

Quote:

Rabbi Noach Orloweck noted that no single factor is as important to a child's development as the influence of his or her parents

Quote:

Dr. Meir Wikler, noted frum psychotherapist in Brooklyn, believes so strongly in the influence of the relationship between parent and child on observance that he says he had never seen, met, or heard of someone who grew up in an Orthodox home who became non-Orthodox and had warm, close intimate relationships with their parents.

Mommy3.5

Sun, Dec 03 2006, 10:06 pm

Amazing....someone in the yeshivish world I agree with.

Really, this man is a novelty, he believes what I believe that the schools are part of the child at risk phenomena.

HealthCoach

Sun, Dec 03 2006, 10:28 pm

I think some of the things that put a child at risk are not being appreciated for who the child is, and his/her individual qualities and talents when he/she does not fit the mold. I hate to say it, but I know of many cases where a child was negatively impacted by someone in chinuch. Either an educator was too hard on the child, or the educator was set a very bad example that left the child with a lot of questions. I think parents have to try hard to be their children's advocate in schools, and listen carefully when the child talks. The child sometimes has some very good points.

Ruchel

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 10:48 am

liveandlearn wrote:

Yes. School is extremely important. A bad example can be very dangerous, especially one filled with hypocrisy. As for not answering questions, being too hard/ hitting like crazy at school, well, here are some of the reasons why my grandfathers got disgusted and became less frum than their chassidish parents. Confused

chocolate moose

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 10:53 am

Both my kids are at risk and my son always was; even at 2 years old I could tell he was a problem.

Telling me that he didn't "feel our love" - at a young age - does not make me feel all that good and is counterproductive IMO!

DefyGravity

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 11:08 am

There's a program called Project Chazon that does inreach. They give seminars at orthodox schools (BY, etc) and have helped many students that had one foot out of the door.

www.projectchazon.com

I've heard a lot about the program, it's supposed to be excellent.

HealthCoach

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 11:10 am

Chocolate Moose, the problem is definitely not that the children don't feel loved at home. I'm sure your children feel very loved. There are factors that are just not in our control.

JRKmommy

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 11:20 am

CM: There are certain genetic/bio-chemical/physical factors that affect a child's mental/emotional health, which in turn may place that child at risk. Children with those conditions present special challenges, and may need different approaches (for example, some children with autism or certain very challenging behaviours need more of a behavioral approach, where there is an extreme focus on consistency, and rewards/consequences). Other children may respond to physical factors, such as diet changes.

That said - one wouldn't expect to see a major increase in these in-born factors as a result of societal or educational changes.

I wanted to stand up and appaul as I read what Rabbi Orlowek had to say. I've felt torn and frustrated by certain debates in the frum world re sheltering kids, approp. schools - and he just makes sense of everything in a few sentences. To shelter or not really isn't the question now - the question is how to prepare kids (and ourselves) for the exposure that they will get.

I read Rabbi Orlowek's "Raising Roses Among the Thorns", and think that it should be required reading for every parent on the planet. Ruchel - I think that you esp. would love it and benefit from the suggestions, seeing as you rightly criticize much of the harshness toward children that you see around you.

Imaonwheels

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 5:00 pm

My at risk factor list:

1) Lack of consistancy on the part of significant adults.
2) Perception of frum life as being "misken" or odd. Not having pleasant associations of being frum.
3) Loss of respect for parents/teachers due to real or percieved weakness. Loss of the belief that adults are sure of their way or are able to protect the child.
4) Distress due to lack of limits and clear direction.
5) At a later age - lack of consitancy between the home/school/social triangle.
6) Mistrust
7) Motivation other than the good of the child (family or school reputation, control issues, etc).
8) Failure to instill good habits at a young age and not correctly matching age to responsibility.

Things which have been definitely been shown not to be indicators:

1)Teaching methods or school hours.
2) Financial difficulty.
3) Strictness level of loving parents or devoted teachers.

ILOVELIFE

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 7:10 pm

Mostly lack of interest and love for yiddishkeit on the part of parents and teachers.

Judgementalism

lack of good time spent with kids

gryp

Tue, Dec 05 2006, 10:48 am

Quote:

Rabbi Orlewik hammered home the point over the next few minutes by pointing out that the only solution that we have as parents and educators is to see to it that our kids are ‘full’ when they reach their teen years. And full, he explained, means having an appreciation and genuine love for Torah and mitzvos, nurturing, safe and loving home environments, schools that are welcoming and that inspire children, and rebbeim/moros who develop deep and meaningful relationships with their children, in addition to teaching the timeless lessons of our Torah.

wow. I have always thought this but never so clearly before.

Motek

Tue, Dec 05 2006, 12:37 pm

from a letter to the editor printed in the Jewish Observer, February 1999:

Quote:

As a frum therapist, with many years of experience working with frum dropouts and their families, I feel a moral obligation to respond [... to a letter in the previous issue].

In the course of working with countless troubled youngsters, I have had the opportunity to discuss these issues [why children go off] with many mechanchim, therapists, and lay activists. It is indeed the consensus among all those with in-depth experience in this field that these youngsters come from unhappy homes.

In the vast majority of cases, there were serious problems in the parent-child relationship that predated the rebelliousness. In other cases, the child had a difficulty, for example a learning disability, and the parents reacted with criticism rather than being supportive.

It does indeed seem like this problem happens in the 'best of homes'. But we need to remember that what we see as a "good home" is often not how the child experiences his/her home. People in the field are often shocked by the discrepancy between the parents' public persona and their private behavior at home.

... if the child becomes seriously rebellious you can be fairly certain that they made serious and persistent errors in their parenting, most often by being persistently and unreasonably critical.

... there is a great hesitancy among those in the field to publicly state what they know. I believe that this hesitancy, however well intentioned, is leading us to a fool's paradise. This attitude is similar to the one taken by liberal activists in regard to a certain disease caused by immoral behavior. Because of their desire not to offend a certain group, they contend and publicly state that this disease occurs at random for no particular reason, and that everybody is equally at risk.

... The desire not to hurt people's feelings is preventing us from helping them solve the problem which they want to be helped with.

Even if it was true that some frum children become rebellious without the home being a major contributing factor (although I have never actually seen such a case in the many conferences etc. I have attended over the years), no one would deny that in the vast majority of cases this is not the case. Are we not contributing to the persistence of this tragic problem in our community by denying this reality?

... Should our concern for parents' feelings prevent us from publicizing the well established risk factors for teen rebelliousness? ... this seems to me to be a clear example of misplaced and misguided rachmanus.

When I meet parents of rebellious children, I am, of course, empathetic to their pain and suffering. But I also point out to them those aspects of their relationship with their child, that have likely contributed to the problem. I also suggest to them that although this information may be painful for them to acknowledge, it can also be a source of hope.

By realizing that the problem does not strike at random, but rather has a cause, it is within their power to significantly alleviate the problem. Parents who make a serious attempt at improving their relationship with their rebellious child often see dramatic improvement in their child's condition.

I have often been 'admonished' by these parents and children for not making this information known to the community, to challenge the belief that there is an 'epidemic' out there striking families at random and that parents are powerless to prevent or alleviate this problem.

Name withheld upon request
the author is a therapist with a large Orthodox practice in the New York Metropolitan area.

morningstar

Tue, Dec 05 2006, 1:10 pm

This thread began with a wonderful post by Rabbi Horowitz that did not simplistically blame parents for the phenomenon of kids at risk.
His writing was sensitive and nuanced, describing how parents could take an active role in increasing their children's chances of turning out well, while acknowledging the complexity of the factors involved.

We need more of this: more people that show parents what they CAN do, while recognizing that this is a threat that will not fade away easily and to which none of us are immune.

I am disappointed in some of the follow-up posts, which once again reduce this entire topic to simplistic finger-pointing-- which benefits no one: not the parents struggling with this painful situation, nor those fortunate enough not to be currently dealing with this who believe that it only happens to other people and their dysfunctional families.

A half-truth is a whole lie. This is an important discussion, but one that cannot proceed productively unless there is recognition that there are multiple factors at play here, and multiple ways of trying to reduce risk.