Two too lenient parents. What do we do now?

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2006, 11:47 am

As a result of a way too lenient father, and a mother who didn't want to be the mean, despised one, kids aren't used to following rules, which is a problem in school and home. What do we do now with kids (just hitting teens) resistant to discipline? Have any parents faced this? How did they go about it? How do you slowly get kids to follow rules? How do two parents work out a plan where they don't argue in front of the kids every time the kid asks the lenient parent "Can I.." and the lenient one always says yes? Therapy is great, but you don't take the therapist home with you and new issues come up every day. It's not realistic to be on the phone with the therapist your whole life. How do you handle a DH that feels you should never deny a child anything, and never demand anything.We've got to work out some kind of system.

Ideally, I need for advice from a parent who had a similar situation, and tackled it.

Flowerchild

Tue, Dec 12 2006, 12:06 pm

Quote:

How do two parents work out a plan where they don't argue in front of the kids every time the kid asks the lenient parent "Can I.." and the lenient one always says yes?

I can answer you this part, you can learn to consult one another, your child should see that you are a team mom and dad, not two different people. when a child asks one parent "can I.." the parent being asked should say, I have to speak to your mom/dad and both parents should do that, or you can say did you ask your mom/dad.

its also a good idea to sit down and discuss parenting with your spouse, what do you both expect out fo your child, what are your goals in raising your child, if you differ in any area then come to a compromise where you both can implement your ideas as a team.

Imaonwheels

Thu, Dec 14 2006, 2:36 am

This is not a chinuch problem but a shalom bayis prob. I am going through this right now. Two rabbonim and 2 counselors are trying to convince my dh that a 12 and 13 yr old can not force the parents to let them go wherever they want or not go to school.

If both parents sit together with someone like a rav or mashpia and set definite rules for the kids and definite guidelines about exceptions, agree to discuss these things in private and not to undercut the other the kids will get it. If pos the school and community should be consistant.

We have the situation of the kids always going to the more lenient parent. My parents had a very good way of handling this. If the child came and said to Dad "Can we x,y or zed?" My Dad would say "Lets see what Mom thinks". Ditto for my Mom. They learned that while Dad was more lenient about what we did with our friends and such and Mom was more lenient about the proportion of family/friend time or spending money we knew they worked together.

In my case unfortunately there is a power struggle between us. I therefore give in on everything not critical because it makes my dh feel less threatened. This has helped us to work more together. It was very hard because I used to ask him to explain why he made a decision when I knew fine well he was acting on automatic pilot. It was not fair. He grew up in a home where my mil cut his father's authority totally in the home. My job has been to make him feel that he is definitely the head of his household with an active partner.