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MOTHERS WITH BIG FAMILIES my 2 cents
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amother






Post  Thu, Dec 14 2006, 10:50 pm
I may not be 'qualified to write this because I don't have a large family I only have one child and I don't know what its like to have a boy who may have too much energy and doesn't know what to do with it. But. I have seen so many families where there are many children and I mean more than 4 and the older children suffer. The mother is exhausted often the oldest girl is the second mother and has to clean make supper take care of different things. I know a family and the oldest child is a girl she happens to love to cook and makes most of shabbos and many times makes deserts her mother expects her to make her father lunch to do all kinds of things that are ok to ask a child to do the girl is in 10th grade but I don't think its right to ask her to wash dishes at 10pm when she tells you she has a test to study for. I have seen in a family that I borded during high school a mother throwing a 5 year old up the stairs yes throwing him shock and the verbal abuse of calling a child stupid or dirty or whatever else. Please if you are a mother of a big family and you can't handle it please get house help!! find the money it can't ruin your childrens life and if you are a mother not with a big family yet please think and think hard. The mitzvah of having children is to raise them to torah hupa and masim tovim not gonna happen with a mother who can't handle it. But each woman knows herself better than anyone else and if you know you scream and yell at one child and don't have patients than maybe wait sometime before having another obviously consult a rav regarding that, honestly there are soo many families of all different frum branches where the children suffer from lack of attention, love, just general little things that make such a big difference. where the children are not given a chance to be a child they come home from school and have to serve supper and clean up and do other things. WHEN IS THE TIME FOR HOMEWORK???!!! than the parents is SHOCKED at grades???!!! or shocked when the child goes off the derech at some point???????!!! Crying It makes me cry. I hope that those mothers who are in these situations realize soon that it can't continue and get help in the house so they can be more rested and spend more time with the children.
I obviosly wrote as amother because I don't want ppl to figure out who I am here and also cause I know some of you are gonna shecht me for what I said.
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Crayon210




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 12:22 am
I just want to know: who asked for your advice? Rolling Eyes
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anon




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 12:25 am
she's venting
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Crayon210




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 12:28 am
I would have put a vent in Emotional Health, not in Controversial Topics.

I don't see the controversy anymore. If you have a problem with having kids, speak to a rav about birth control options, if not, not. Don't worry about my kids, and I won't worry about yours.
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greenfire




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 12:32 am
Hey OP I'm with you on that one. I see it also unfortunately. Did something specific happen?
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redhot




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 12:34 am
we shouldnt worry and be concerned about other ppl's children???

we cant ignore abusive relationships!I would think we have a responsibility to try to help in any way possible

I work with kids and when it comes up that I think a child is suffering at home, I pay extra attention to that child, ( and try to make up for the abuse at home with extra love and kindness) and if necessary I would call social services (if I had proof of abuse and was told by a rav to make the call)

we MUST care!!!

the amother witnessed abuse firsthand, and she seems greatly pained for the kids she lived with. She had to stand by and watch children being abused on some level, and she was and is still frustrated by that. She is allowed to talk about it here.
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rivki




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 12:40 am
Quote:
Don't worry about my kids, and I won't worry about yours.

excuse me? kol yisrael aravim ze leze - I think it is beautiful to care about each other's children - if children can't rely on the adults to stand up for them, then we are in bad shape. OP - thank you for caring, and good point.
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Crayon210




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 12:41 am
sthillmom wrote:
we shouldnt worry and be concerned about other ppl's children???


I meant it in terms of non-abusive behavior.

Quote:
we cant ignore abusive relationships!I would think we have a responsibility to try to help in any way possible


Of course we can't. But telling me on imamother about someone who was abusive when you were in high school is not going to help the poor kid. And telling me on imamother not to have more kids because I might CHV be abusive is probably not going to do anything.

Quote:
She is allowed to talk about it here.


Of course. I just don't see what's controversial. If you see abuse, report it. If you see what you think is inappropriate but not abusive (daughter washing dishes), speak to the person in question or leave it alone.
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shalhevet




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 3:36 am
Did you know that there are mothers with one or two children who are abusive to their kids/ lose their tempers/ shove five year olds up the stairs?
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Crayon210




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 3:39 am
shalhevet wrote:
Did you know that there are mothers with one or two children who are abusive to their kids/ lose their tempers/ shove five year olds up the stairs?


This is a good point, very important.

A mother who is going to be abusive probably 'had it in her' when she had one or two, not just when she got to 12.
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micki




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 9:12 am
amother what are you trying to say?

if its not to have too many kids if you can't handle it, that will happen before you get to 4 kids.
if you have 4 kids and you are still sane and happy then chances are adidng more won't harm.
but is you have one kid and can't imagine having 2, then those people need to really think about having kids as you say.
so you need to address this to the mothers of 1 -2 kids. not the ones with more.
like that poster who wrote if she should send her 22 month old to school because she does not know how she will handle having a newborn and her toddler at home. she wanted to know how do people manage with 2 kids at home.
obviously she need to be taught coping skills so she will not become what you describe.
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amother






Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 9:17 am
And that is why when a woman feels emotionally she cant handle more kids now she should be taken seriously by a rav not told oh no problem you will be able to handle whatever Hashem brings your way
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lucky




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 9:39 am
a high school teacher in a not so frum school (russian immigrants) was qustioned by her students when they saw her in maternity. "You are expecting again? WHY?" (she does have a child every 15-16 months) So her answer was.... "Bill Gates is a billioneer, why is he still working? Because he likes money and wants more." "I love my children so I want to have more". "when BillGates stops working, I'll stop having kids LOL "
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chocolate moose




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 10:07 am
If you see a mom with her hands full, help her!
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gold21




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 10:09 am
I have seen large families that are so so happy! the children are loved and cared for, and the mother is able to devote attention to all of them. they are not messed up or neglected in the least!

however, I do agree that in some large families the mothers seem to just have kids without thinking so much about what is best for the kids, but rather about what they want. "I want a large family, I dont believe in using birth control, I just love being pregnant, I love little babies, I want to fit in with my society and have a bunch of kids like everyone else is, etc" ok thats nice, but is that what is best for your kids? not always....maybe you should think about what your financial status is b4 deciding to get pregnant again, consider how well you are handling the current number of kids that you have, etc.


About the woman who says she loves babies like Bill Gates loves money--like I said, yay for her. but what about whats best for her kids?

Your oldest child should not have to grow up young and be saddled with childcare responsibilities just because you chose to have more children that than you can handle.

I am not judging any woman with a large family. I think that many large families are wonderful and the mom handles it just fine!
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Motek




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 10:55 am
I remember that line "throwing the kid on the stairs" from another thread, long ago. Anybody else?

This topic has been discussed. And discussed. And discussed.

Another thread that adds nothing new?

I find it boring. It clutters up the forum.
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JRKmommy




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 11:11 am
I agree with the point that we need to concentrate not just on physically having the children, but on raising them to Torah, chuppah and maasim tovim.

Each woman's coping skills are different. Obviously, if one is having a large family, a lot of patience, good organization, and some real attention to developing parenting skills is a must! I would say that simply having lots of children without putting some thought into it and making sure that you can make it work is not the way to go.

I took a parenting course from a lovely lady who was preg. with #13. We were invited to her home for Shabbat dinner. I don't think that it would be possible for any family to "fake it" with that many kids for several hours. Everything was organized, all the kids kelped, the atmosphere was calm and loving, the mom looked relaxed. It was clear that she put a LOT of effort into learning these skills, and into planning for a peaceful home. For example, we went to the same gym, and I saw her take a class every Fri. morning. She made that a priority, so that she'd be physically and emotionally prepared for Shabbat.

OTOH, I know people with smaller families who are completely overwhelmed.
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gold21




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 11:43 am
jrkmommy ur rite....I am kinda overwhelmed and I have only one kid Confused
(maybe cuz I work full time?)
whatever
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amother






Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 12:38 pm
Quote:
(maybe cuz I work full time?)
whatever


most prob.... goodluck Wink
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shayna82




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 15 2006, 12:58 pm
Crayon210 wrote:
I just want to know: who asked for your advice? Rolling Eyes


I agree.

and on another note, what about the BIG families of 50 years ago- 11, 12 kids. somehow they all turned out okay- being "mommy" at age 12 didnt kill them.
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