Totally OUt of Control

proudmom

Tue, Sep 21 2004, 11:34 am

Whatever I tell my kids I stick with it. No matter what it is. for example last night. I told my kids after you finish eating supper I am going to give you a bath and if you dont finish eating you dont get a bath. My son finished eating I gave him a bath and my daughter she didnt finish and she didnt have a bath last night. She was upset but she learned. This morning I gave her a bath and she told me I didnt have a bath last night because I didnt finish eating. She knows.

Tefila

Wed, Oct 06 2004, 5:42 pm

Belovedbird you took what I was going to say right out of my mouth!
Listen I have 7 kids ba"h and some were easier than others. So I understand being frustrated sometimes however I think that such a threat Crying

to a child could harm them physicologically for longer than you think. Exclamation

What I found worked was telling them they have to go to bed and at that age they hate naps. Also since I would reward alot I would sometimes have to hold back on the reward! I am trying to implement how there are no punishments in our house but consequences which hopefully will travel with them for a lifetime. This someone taught me 2yrs ago
Yep I also have my ups and downs Exclamation

Remember when mother is calm and rested EVERYONE benefits.

Ozmom

Sat, Oct 09 2004, 11:26 pm

I don't want to go into a whole parenting advice thing because there are enough mothers in here doing it. I just want to make a couple of points.

Proudmother I am not one for critisizing how a mother brings up her kids but that dog thing...I'm sorry but I just can't relate to that,
please please don't do that anymore. A Parent is a figure in a child's life that the child learns to trust. If a parent breaks that trust, it affects the childs in immeasurable ways. Your child trusts you to protect her from her fears, whether it be the boogeyman, the kidnapper or the dogs. You just can't use those fears she has, as a tool to wield authority, it just isn't right. Please consider this.

It is a really tough job being a parent and remember you are not in this alone, we are all going through the same things. Did you say she is 3, Its an age things, all my kids at that age had trouble understanding that they had to clean up.

I want to point out two golden rule:
1. When a child is not cooperating the result should be not a punishment but a consequence.
2. The consequence should relate to the act. (If you don't know how to be responsible with your toys then I will have to take them away.)of course you would say it according to her age level.

One of my older children started to slap across the face when her brother or cousin upset her. I don't know where she got it from, certainly not from us, so what could I do as a consequence that relates. Well if I slap her then I would only be showing her that what she did when upset was the correct means of retort. My sister suggested taking away a privelage. So I said one week no computer, when she did it again it became 2 weeks. She stopped doing it for a while and recently did it again so I immediately resorted to my previouse action which had helped the first time and I am expecting positive results.

How does the computer relate? Well its a privelage to be able to play on the computer and privelages you get for responsible and good behaviour. You behave inappropriatley and you lose those privelages.

Last edited by Ozmom on Sat, Aug 06 2005, 7:54 am; edited 1 time in total

su7kids

Sun, Oct 10 2004, 2:53 am

proudmom wrote:

Motek let me ask you. If you ask your child to pick up the toys off the floor and she doesnt listen what will you do inorder for her to do it?

What I did when my kids didn't listen was bend down, with their hand in mine, and make them pick up the toy, and then walk with them to the toy box and put it away.

It is not always the EASIEST solution, but it gets the message across that you mean business. Eventually, they DO do what you want, if you are C O N S I S T E N T!!!

Good Luck!

su7kids

Sun, Oct 10 2004, 3:00 am

proudmom wrote:

QUOTE:
I do something simillair to that. I tell my daughter if you dont clean up I will throw your toys in the garbage and she tells me ok. now what? Listen I got a tough girl to deal with

Firstly, be sure not to threaten anything you won't carry out. I'd rather say "your toys will disappear" and put them in a box or something where she can't get to it for a while.

I think that if you follow thorugh, and she sees you're serious, she'll get it eventually, and of course, while this "training" is going on, don't buy her anything NEW!!

I think if we lie to our children, or don't carry out our threats, we're wasting our BREATHE.

micki

Sun, Oct 10 2004, 10:08 am

over yom tov, which I expected my 3 year old was pretty difficult. he is very stubborn and basically does what he wants. its horrible but weve learned to leave him alone, its not worth the fight to get him to the table for kiddish. I know alot will yell at me but over yom tov we allowed it being that there was no regular scheduale. one morning I had to call for help because I could not get him dressed for shul.
so its the last day of yom tov and he ate mostly cake that day. I wanted him to take ONE bite of soup. he responded with a no. now usually I won't tell him to do something unless I know he'll do it so he doesn't think he can tell me "no" and get away with it.
istead of saying "come to kiddush now" to which he can respond "no" I ask do you want to hear kiddush? to this he can respond whatever he wants and he didn't oppose me.

anywya so I forecfully sit him on the chair and tell him that he cannot get up untill he ate one bite. I sat next to him to make sure and he spent 15 min. just staring into my eyes to see if I am serious. he looked to cute and beautiful and I just wanted to grab him and hug him but I held strong. I remained serious. so I postioned a spoon near his mouth and he knocked it with his hand. I siad don't push the spoon or I'll and here I am scrambling for a consequence and all I can think of is "spill the soup on you!" patch is out what else could I have siad that he would care!?!?!

so he knocks the spoon again. I told him I really don't want to spill the soup on you and you have one more chance. guess what- he knocks the spoon again. he did it with a look in his eye that was I really want to see if you are serious and I really don't believe you...
well guess what? I spilled the soup on him. (justa trickle from the spoon down his nose) he was really angry. he didn't cry he just said ima wadya do? he was angry with me. so I calmly said "I told you not to knock the spoon"
so he smacked my knee. and I said if that do that again I'll spill soup on you again. and no chances! so he puts his hands behind his back. and then he says I want to get up. so I say - when you eat one bite.
and he opened his mouth!!!!!

now many will say what did I accomplish? one bite was it worth it? thae answer is YES YES YES because he now knows I am gonna follow through!!!!
I was dancing and singing at my victory. how stupid no?

su7kids

Sun, Oct 10 2004, 10:15 am

micki wrote:

now many will say what did I accomplish? one bite was it worth it? thae answer is YES YES YES because he now knows I am gonna follow through!!!!
I was dancing and singing at my victory. how stupid no?

See I'd say you did GREAT, cos that is the point. He did GET it, and you DID become the parent. LOL

Silly, I know, but thats the point. I wonder how oftn he's gonig to pull that shtick. Probably he'll do it again, just to check!

Good luck!

BelovedBird

Sun, Oct 10 2004, 7:35 pm

I don't understand forcing kids to eat. Do you really think that instills healthy eating habits? What is so important about one bite of soup? Why pick that to make a battle over?
I would think you should follow through on something that is A) actually important B) you have some control over, or have a right to cntrol over. I don't think parents have the "right" to control when a kid eats and how much. (My opinion, obviously)
Once you made it a battle (chose it as a battle) it is good that you followed through though.

mommy2

Sun, Oct 10 2004, 8:04 pm

no no no, I dont agree with you. I also have a 3 yr old and he can also be very stubborn about food, but would u want him spilling soup on someone if they dont listen to him??? I would suggest, give him a choice of 2 foods, and dont allow cake, then when hes hungry he'll eat healthy food. sometimes we make threats that r not reasonable, but change your consequence then carrying out s/t that just doesnt make sense.
Example: I'm going to lock you in the garage if you dont get me your ... from the garage.
Son I realized we don't lock ppl in garages so if you dont get me ... then new consequence.
we're human and could make mistakes and its important for kids to realize yup we s/t say things that r incorrect but we can can apologize and take it back

micki

Sun, Oct 10 2004, 11:18 pm

hey guys- thanks for the feedback. but I'd like you all to know- I DID not force him to eat. I only forced him to listen to me. I never force to eat- to much bad in that. don't worry about his food intake bli ayin hora he is a pretty solid child, and eats beautifully- (when he wants to) which means that hes hungry I learned. one day he'll eat and the next he won't. I depends on if hes hungry or not.

why did I pick this battle? I guess I had just taken a nap and knew that I could follow through. and because I made the mistake of TELLING him to go eat instead of asking him which when he said no meant that he disobeyed me.

he had been eating cake and candy a whole day in shul , a place I knew I would not "win" if I chose to pick a fight there. so he was pretty out of control by evening- and he needed to know I was stil boss.
I am not defending myself, just explaining- I wrote abut this just as an example of a pretty tough following through story.
the only thing I think I should have changed is the consequence. spilling soup? Crying

not something I'd want him to learn. but I needed a consequence and fast and something RIGHT AWAY not like taking a way a privlege or etc... he's 3. I needed something he'd pay attention to and would shocl him. something he'd never seen before!
any suggestions that are practical I'll take! ( for this particular case)

Ozmom

Mon, Oct 11 2004, 5:42 am

Hey all of you
what about forcing a kid to Taste the food. Is that ok do you think?

I have one of those, wont try anything new, doesn't like the look, the food can't touch on the plate, type kids. My point to him is, how can you know you don't like it if you haven't tasted it, so I force him to taste. sometimes he still wont like it and I won't make him eat it, but other times he will keep up the act that he doesn't like it but will end up eating the whole thing Wink

with a scowl on his face!

BelovedBird

Mon, Oct 11 2004, 7:05 am

Ozmom wrote:

Hey all of you
what about forcing a kid to Taste the food. Is that ok do you think?

No. I do not think forcing and food should go together. Forcing to take medicine, forcing to have lice and nits picked out of hair,etc. Forcing, to me, is something where there is no logical or natural consequence and it is really important or necasary. If you want a kid to try new foods just talk to them about the idea of new foods- he might be missing something if he never tries new stuff, etc. What happens when he wants to taste something that you don't think he will like? Do you try and talk him out of it? Do you just say "no"? Do you let him? When beating plain egg whites, for example- it looks yummy, like it is sweet. If you decide when he should taste and you decide when he shouldn't taste that is so not fair and of course he feels the need to have some control in this area by not listening to you. If you trust him to decide what to taste (as long as it is food) for good and for bad then he will probably be more open to the idea of trying new things.
This one of those things where some parents (IMO) see kids too much like an extension or possesion of themselves and not as there own person. We need to try to consider how much of the underlying reason for us not letting or not wanting our kids to do things is coming from our own experience as children and is for our own benefit.