Totally OUt of Control

Tefila

Tue, Oct 12 2004, 4:22 pm

I think a child should atleast taste the food for two reasons sometimes they change their minds and also if you go somewhere you will have taught them not to be rude by atleast taking one bite.
You know we can't always think of the right consequence for an incident that needs to be dealt with straight away. The point is that your 3yr old knows that mummy is serious so you better listen.

Rivka

Wed, Nov 17 2004, 6:19 pm

Maybe read them stories based on trying new foods.
I can think of Dr Seuss' one but I dunno if any of you will read that to your kid.
About making a kid listen to you, it is important that they know who is boss around and that you really are serious and will carry your punishment through. My son is not even 2 yet and he tries me out seeing how far he can go. The dog thing is mean it'll only make your child scared of dogs and also as you don't really carry it through it is pointless.
I can see why people are against the force feeding but just telling your child to have one spoon before he can leave the table isn't really force feeding, plus he shouldn't have had the cake and sweets before hand probably the reason why he wasn't hungry and made him extra naughty.
You really can only do your best but don't ever lie to your child they will never forget it and don't use empty threats it will cause them to use you.
Children crave discipline and when they are young it really is about teaching them what is right and what is wrong coz once they are teens it is too late.

Rochel Leah

Wed, Nov 17 2004, 7:18 pm

Rivka, whats the dr suess book called?

gryp

Wed, Nov 17 2004, 9:20 pm

the kitzur also says that you shouldnt discipline your children by scaring them with treife things.

Tefila

Wed, Nov 17 2004, 11:10 pm

Quote:

the kitzur also says that you shouldnt discipline your children by scaring them

full stop

ForeverYoung
Guest

Fri, Nov 19 2004, 1:42 am

Quote:

the kitzur also says that you shouldnt discipline your children by scaring them

scarying children is not a good way to discipline at all - as soon as they grow out of that fear they will stop listening. it defeats the purpose.

Besides, parents are supposed to be kids' "security blanket". what does a child feel (and think) when his safe harbour becomes stormy??

Micki, I'm glad your made your son pay attention to you!!

Also, if you tell a child: try it & if you don't like it you don't have to eat it, most of the kids respond positively.

Quote:

could you find a way to teach her that meal times are at meal times

try a timer. "See I'm giving you 20 min to eat, when this errow will be here, meal time is over, I'm puting away the food, & if you're hungry, you'll have to wait untill next meal."
Follow through, & give her next meal earlyer, but not before she is uncomfortable (but don't wait untill she's too hungry)

gryp

Fri, Nov 19 2004, 7:24 am

I think the kitzur meant to emphasize: not to scare them with TREIFE THINGS, not just "not to scare them." theres a difference.

ForeverYoung
Guest

Fri, Nov 19 2004, 10:11 am

can you pls tell me exactly where it says so? - I want to take a look at it.

In any case, I don't believe in scaring, treif or kosher.

Tefila

Fri, Nov 19 2004, 2:45 pm

Quote:

kitzur meant to emphasize: not to scare them with TREIFE THINGS,

In that case, I stand corrected.... Smile

gryp

Sun, Nov 21 2004, 9:03 am

siman 165 sa'if zayin, last line.
"lo ya'aseh morah ltinok bidavar tameh"

ForeverYoung
Guest

Sun, Nov 21 2004, 2:59 pm

8) thanks

shira

Mon, Jun 27 2005, 7:47 pm

Is it ok to remind a child of a prevoius offense?
For example:
We are at the park and Yitzchok Zevi (age 3) starts climbing rocks.
After requesting a number of times that he get off the rocks (and being ignored) I say, "Yitzchok Zevi, a park is a place where we play nicely- not a place where we do dangerous things. Climbing rocks is dangerous. If you continue to climb we will leave the park." He continues to climb. We leave the park (Argh! The last thing I want to do!!!!!!!)
Next time we are in the park......
YZ starts to climb. I would like to say simply, "Yitzchok Zevi, remember what happened the last time you climbed rocks?"
Is that ok would it be more effective to repeat the whole exersize again until eventually he "gets it" himself?

Rivk

Mon, Jun 27 2005, 9:00 pm

According to "Love and Logic" rules, you shouldn't say anything about it and let him learn on his own. Otherwise you may be turning it into a power struggle. You want him to know that you are on his side, and you are sad with him if he makes a choice that results in leaving the park. Of course this is easier said than done! I think the love and logic system is great, but it sure is hard to implement!

shira

Mon, Jun 27 2005, 9:04 pm

more about love and logic?

Rivk

Mon, Jun 27 2005, 10:20 pm

There is a book called Parenting with Love and Logic that I highly reccomend. Actually, it's a whole series of books that are all based around this method of discipline called Love and Logic. Basically, it teaches that in order for our children to grow up into self confident, self reliant, responsible adults they have to make their own decisions starting at a young age and deal with natural consequences that result. Do not punish - let the consequences teach. Be on their side and empathize with them. Example: young boy doesn't want to come to the table for supper. Mother: "Sweetie - you have two choices. Either come to the table and eat now, or skip supper." Kid opts for the skip. Later starts complaining about hunger. Mother: "I feel so bad for you that you are hungry - that must feel terrible! I"ll make sure you get a nice big breakfast in the morning" This way he'll have no one to blame but himself and he can't be angry at the mother because she's on his side! It was his decision. There's a lot more to it, but that's the basic idea.

Motek

Tue, Jun 28 2005, 1:42 pm

shira wrote:

Next time we are in the park......
YZ starts to climb. I would like to say simply, "Yitzchok Zevi, remember what happened the last time you climbed rocks?"

much more effective - BEFORE you go to the park, you tell him your expectations

Rivk

Tue, Jun 28 2005, 1:51 pm

Good point - the kids should be prepared ahead of time. That's also part of love and logic.

amother

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 8:09 pm

Time to revive this one too Very Happy

mandksima

Thu, Feb 28 2008, 3:31 am

okay, we have been having major, and I mean major issues with my almost 7 year old daughter for a long time now and have tried so many ways of discipline that haven't worked. She has many extreme anxieties and sensory issues, etc, so that a lot of ways that work for others don't work for her. We just started seeing a professional though that has some great suggestions that seem to be in the right direction and things we haven't tried before. I hope by sharing some of our experiences, either we can get some more advice or we can give insight to others with a similar child.
,
My child will not listen to her parents and is very smart mouthed (she is bright B"H but talks to us the same way we talk to her, as if she's in charge.) She is very violent (we get hurt a lot) and very scared of being separated or alone, especially from me. Our current biggest headache is her getting dressed in the morning and out to school as she doesn't like leaving the house even though she likes school when she's there. She refuses to put on underwear or socks because they bother her. As do the sleev length on her shirts and the waist of her skirt. Also her shoes and coat - bascially everything. They do probably bother her a bit as I know she is very sensitive and has sensory issues with it, although it is up to her to let it bother her since there are enough times that she will get dressed with no issues if she has motivation, such as come for a walk or a trip to the store.... The problem was finding her a motivation. Nothing phases her, no bribery or fear of punishment works but we found is a new way of doing things to try to get this to work was this:

I give her one chance to help her get dressed and I tell her I am going early to the car with whomever is ready (her brother always is) and I will read a book to whomever is in the car. I will wait in the car until she comes out dressed with her father. If need be although I won't tell her this until necesary - if she refuses to get dressed, a bag of clothes will be in the car waiting for her and her father will carry her down in her nightgown. She can get dressed in the car before going to school. Regardless, if she doesn't come early enough, she will miss all or part of the story.

Basically it is having her deal with the consequences instead of being punished and she doesn't get to walk over her parents with constant asking for more and more choices of clothing and time to spend doing things over and over.

We tried this once so far (this morning) and I'm eager to see if it will establish a new ruitine. It is using her fear of being without me but is not a punishment. We will have to be extremely consistant and ignore the hitting, screaming, etc. until she is used to it. Part of the problem was that since usually her father would take her to school on his way to work, I would sometimes stay at home still in my PJs and get dressed and eat after the kids are gone. My daughter hated leaving the house especially if "I didn't have to." Now I wake up earlier (arghhhh! but I have to do it) and make sure I'm dressed to leave.

Any feedback or comments?

ABC

Wed, Dec 31 2008, 4:07 pm

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Last edited by ABC on Sun, Jul 05 2009, 12:32 pm; edited 1 time in total