100% distracted!!!!!!

amother

Thu, Sep 20 2012, 8:06 pm

I come home from work at around 2:30, then nurse, then have four hours until kids bedtime

heres what I have to do
1 clean
2 laundry
3 make supper
4 shop groceris
5 pay bills
6 organize house
7 entertain kids be there emotionally read books
8 feed, bathe kids, put them to sleep

heres what I actually do:

spend hours on the computer
if baby cries give bottle
slap kids for making mess
put messy kid to sleep with no supper

I escape my reality cuz I hate doing all that!!!!!!

and once kids are sleeping fall into depression and self hatred Sad

why cant I be normal mother?

who can I turn to????

amother

Thu, Sep 20 2012, 8:50 pm

my post might make you cry. I am sorry in advance. please accept my mechila BUT

YOU are a MOTHER, so start acting like one.
DO U CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS? DO U CARE ABOUT UR SHALOM BAYIS?

punishing kids by not feeding them is the worst punishment ever. you are punishing yourself by starving your child. the child is being deprived of nutrients, energy, sugar to keep kim well and running. doing this often might lead him/her to illness and YOU are the one who will ultimately be responsible to deal with ch''sh sick child.

here is my suggestion. it is only suggestions not demand.

1. remove computer (put it away or ask dh to do it) for a while and see how it works out.
2. make your self a to do list and cross out tasks accomplished and only once all is done go to computer....like after kids are in bed ....like that is what I am doing while my kids in bed right now and allll lights are off.
3. think.....what would Hashem want you to do right now?.......be a mother to your kids not to the computer.

MimiMommy

Thu, Sep 20 2012, 8:55 pm

Amother above, that was harsh.
OP, I definitely have had lots of days like that before, where I just feel awful and like a terrible mother once the kids are sleeping. Just don't turn on your computer when you get home. You will be amazed by how much time it frees up. Every day allows for a fresh start!

amother

Thu, Sep 20 2012, 9:19 pm

I am a child of someone like you. Except I'm maybe a bit luckier than your kids because my mother was even lazier than you, too lazy to actually punish us - she just yelled.

I do give you credit for admitting you are doing something wrong - that's the first step to improvement, my mother still didn't reach this madrega.

If you want your kids to respect you, give them a reason to do so. They will always remember how your treated them. ALWAYS.

You realize you are distracting yourself? Get rid of that computer if you can't control yourself to the point of neglecting your family.

abmom

Thu, Sep 20 2012, 9:20 pm

Maybe have your DH put a password on the computer and he'll unlock it for you when he gets home after all kids are fed and in bed?
You can make yourself a chart with stickers, (yes, they're for adults too.) and if for 40 days in a row u got a sticker you get to treat yourself to a new book/jewelery/good ice cream etc...
You can work w/ a friend. Have a friend ask u daily if u were on the computer at forbiden times. if you know in your mind that you'll have to answer to someone later, you might have better self control. (You can do it anonymously online)
Hatzlacha! It's hard work!

TranquilityAndPeace

Thu, Sep 20 2012, 9:34 pm

Do you think you need professional help or medication, or that you just need to overcome laziness and procrastination?

If it's the former, go and get help. Now! Nothing to be ashamed of, any more than I should be ashamed of going to the GI for my Crohns. If it's an illness, seek the help of professionals who are trained to deal with this illness.

If it's just plain laziness, well, we all have some of that. (Most of us, anyway!) Make yourself a chart. Give yourself small rewards daily and a big reward at the end of the week/month for completing your chart. Buy the book First Things First by Stephen Covey. (Obviously, order it through Amazon through my sig!) Read a chapter a day and keep a notebook handy about how you incorporate the concepts into your life. Write in the margins, highlight sentences that speak to you. It's an amazing book!

Do either of these ideas speak to you at all? You really WANT to change, and that's a BIG first step, so keep at it!

4ofus

Thu, Sep 20 2012, 11:07 pm

Shame on all of you who were so harsh, especially hiding behind amother!

OP, it's hard to work and then come home and take care of all the millions of things you have to do.

Maybe you can try coming home, putting the kids with a video or whatever, and just sitting for half an hour. Maybe drink a coffee and have a whole grain muffin, or something else you enjoy. That way you'll re-energize from your job and you'll be able to start doing what you need to do.

Do NOT relax with the computer! You will probably not have the willpower to stop after half an hour.

You don't need to pay bills, laundry, or go to the grocery every day. Go shopping once a week, maybe on Sunday while DH watches kids, pay bills once a week, laundry 3 times a week.

Maybe your schedule can look something like this:

2:30-3:00- give kids snack, nurse
3:00-3:30- relax
3:30-4:00- hang out with kids, enjoy them!
4:00-4:30- make supper (something super easy, try to make a bunch of stuff on Sunday and freeze, or prepare supper in crockpot the night before and put up in the morning)
4:30-5:00- Whatever
5:00-5:30- Supper
5:30-6:00- Bath
6:00-6:30- Books, cuddles and bed
Now don't sit down because you will not get back up!
6:30-8:30- clean, organize, fold laundry, prepare for next day......
8:30-9:00- shower and relax

Don't go to sleep to late because you'll be way to tired to deal with your kids and do all the housework.

You can do it! You an be a strong woman and a great mommy! :-)

gp2.0

Thu, Sep 20 2012, 11:39 pm

4 hours is nowhere near enough time to do all the things you listed.

1. No computer while the kids are awake. Period.
2. Every day choose just ONE household chore that will get done. Either laundry, or grocery shopping, or paying bills. Just ONE thing.
3. When your kids are home, give them your full attention. If they make a mess, deal with it appropriately and ask them to help clean it up, or be aware and in control of what's happening so that the mess doesn't happen in the first place.
4. Prepare easy dinners. Chicken and veggies in oven, crockpot, sandwiches once a week, etc.
5. Call in your grocery orders and have them delivered to save time.

Think about why you are constantly distracting yourself with the computer. Are you overwhelmed? Tired? Lonely? Unhappy?

Merrymom

Thu, Sep 20 2012, 11:44 pm

I think everybody has days like that, all except for the one where you skip supper for your kids. There's no excuse for that at all, that's just plain abusive. I also don't understand smacking kids for making a mess, that's what kids are designed to do. Get some help, all of that sounds like it's overwhelming to you. Are you married? Can you get cleaning help or a mother's helper?

bamamama

Thu, Sep 20 2012, 11:50 pm

OP, I can identify. I have days where I fight being distracted by the computer. If it wasn't the computer, it would be a book... Anyway, I find that the most helpful tactic is to not even start with the computer until the kids are in bed. I check my email/FB/Imamother/etc when I know I have a time limit (I.e. I've promised my kids they can watch a show on Netflix, we are about to run out the door, etc.). I really notice the difference in my kids behavior and in the general atmosphere around the house when I am fully present (which is challenging for me anyway because I'm a daydreamer by nature). Hug

amother

Fri, Sep 21 2012, 6:47 am

Can it be that you're depressed? I know that the past few months I went from being the biggest balabusta and best mother to just sitting in front of the computer all day and yelling at my kids and giving them cereal for supper. I have moments where I'm happy but mostly I just want life to end.

Are you using the computer as an escape from reality?

TranquilityAndPeace

Fri, Sep 21 2012, 8:21 am

amother wrote:

original op

I ordered the book mod

why am I escaping? cuz I dislike doing all the chores. at work I feel like supermom and at home like a failure:(

Would it be possible to hire a cleaning woman to minimize your chore load?

Inspired

Fri, Sep 21 2012, 8:30 am

Banana, Some people do need to do laundry everyday. I do. Multiple loads every day. Sometimes I cheat and skip one day a week. But rarely because I pay the price later.

OP, good luck. You have to figure out what must be done and do it. You deserve, your kids deserve it.