Chinuch and Self-Esteem

Motek

Mon, Sep 20 2004, 1:50 pm

has anybody seen this essay? it's quite radical
any comments?

I'll post it in parts (permission granted)

EDUCATION FOR A NEW AGE

BLAME IT ON SELF-ESTEEM!

Seeing the tremendous challenges and hurdles that our educational system is struggling with, we are all collectively trying to figure out where we are going wrong. There are many views and opinions out there, but one thing everyone seems to agree on is that our children are suffering from poor self-esteem. Self-esteem seems to be at the root of all of society’s ills, from depression and drug abuse to road rage and relationship failures, and of course, the occasional school shooting. It seems as if every problem endemic to the human condition can be traced back to good old self-esteem and the lack of it, particularly in early childhood.

We are told, nay exhorted, that a child has to feel good about himself, that he's important, that he's special, that he's capable. Self-esteem is something all parents want to give their children, and some work hard at it; others do not. They criticize their children and then feel guilty about it, saying their parents did it to them. So, parents find themselves doing one or the other, either boosting self-esteem or feeling guilty about not doing so.

If the home did not adequately provide it, and the schools somehow fall short, we have the mental health profession ready to step in. We have therapists and therapies, and if necessary, there are Twelve Steps and lifetime recovery programs. Some people just never seem to grasp that elusive panacea to all of humankind’s ills, and might even end up in prison! Surely, the only person who would commit a criminal act is someone who lacks you-know-what.

Yet, most kids don't seem to have self-esteem after all this! Why is this so when this is what we are all working on? Some explain that because parents and educators themselves do not have it, they cannot give it to their children and students. Occasionally you meet people who seem to have too much self-esteem, inflated egos, and you realize there is something wrong with them, too. So the problem is there is either not enough, or too much. Nobody seems to have figured out how to get exactly the right amount. And nobody has figured out how to give kids exactly what they need, but one thing everybody is convinced of is that the key to all problems lies in self-esteem.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Once [footnote #1 – Sicha, Selichos 5734], while addressing his students in the early seventies, the Lubavitcher Rebbe stated that the great challenge of our generation is the feeling of “mi ani u'ma ani,” a famous Hebrew term meaning “who am I, and what am I?” People feel, deep down (the Rebbe said in tears), that they are worthless, that they don’t really exist. People have a tape recorder constantly going in their minds declaring, mi ani u'ma ani, “I amount to nothing.” Every time and any time you have a moment of inspiration, a thought to do a good deed, a thought to change yourself, improve yourself, change your home, improve your life, to contribute more, to do something better, a voice in your head says - who do you think you are?

When you want to indulge yourself, that question doesn't come up, but when you want to do something positive, you really want to make a strong commitment to something, to a person or a project, the self-doubt tape begins to play. It does not matter what it is, any slight improvement, spurt of growth, any push beyond your comfort zone, anything you want to undertake - the tape plays.

If for some reason the voice in your head is not loud enough, at times your friends and family will help out. They will all give you messages of - come on, who do you think you are? You? You are getting all holy, all loving, all spiritual, what is this? They’ll criticize you, put you down, or just take the wind out of your sails. Where does this come from, that the whole world is looking for self-esteem, and that they have too much of it for the wrong things and too little of it for the right things?

Motek

Mon, Sep 20 2004, 1:53 pm

THE MALADY OF THE CENTURY

The Kabala explains that all physical sickness is a manifestation of a spiritual disease, and the physical symptoms mimic the spiritual disorder. The most devastating illness of our time, cancer, is one in which the cells multiply and grow in a way disproportionate to the rest of the body, and overtake the entire organism, until every other organ and every other part of the body is consumed by these cells. The Lubavitcher Rebbe once [footnote #2 – Likkutei Sichos vol.1, p. 151] suggested that this reflects the spiritual malady of our time, which is a distorted, disproportionate sense of self. That when it comes to the wrong things, our self-esteem is too overblown, and when it comes to doing good, the biggest problem we have is “who am I, and what am I?”

What is happening? We keep trying to bolster our children's self-esteem. We also have many more counselors, therapists, social workers, psychologists and psychiatrists. Yet, no one is getting better. For the most part, everybody seems to be getting worse.

What is the secret behind this phenomenon? Why is it that two hundred and two thousand years ago, it seems, people possessed healthy egos; they believed that their existence was real, and now, in such a progressive and prosperous age, our children are unsure of their very identity?

The answer to this question lies in a better understanding of the generational evolution of Jewish religious theology.

THE TRADITIONAL VIEW

For over three thousand years, a significant number of Jews lived their lives according to the dictates of the Torah, guided by the sages of each generation. Throughout that period, the study of Kabala, or the esoteric dimension of the Torah, also revealed at Sinai, was the province of the spiritual elite. This was by design, with strong admonitions against revealing these teachings to those not deemed worthy. Only since the 14th century, and even more so in the 18th century, since the advent of the Hassidic movement, have these teachings become available to the masses.

Judaism teaches that there is no such thing as a random event or sequence of events, and surely, there must be a compelling reason for the withholding of these teachings and their subsequent revelation in our times. There are many explanations given for this phenomenon, yet the discerning student must conclude that they are all facets of one central theme.

One may live a life of piety within the bounds of human perception and self-awareness, guided by Divine moral dictates and commandments. In this traditional view of the Jewish religion, every person sees himself as an individual who has a private life, which includes many areas of interest and involvement. For a person of faith, part of that life includes obligations to one’s Maker. Serving your Maker may be an important part of your life, or a key part of your life, perhaps the most important part of your life – yet, a part of your life, not your whole life.

One may even consider G-d’s laws to be the most important part of life. Especially, if one remembers that the most important thing is not this world but the World to Come, so that the more energy one puts into one's obligations in this world, the greater are the rewards of the next world. Yet the “I” of the person is his or her own; we make sacrifices for G-d and His law, but we retain an I that is distinct of G-d.

For many people, this was the meaning of Judaism for thousands of years. For many Jews it is still this way. Religion is a lifestyle they undertake in order to live a healthier life, to receive reward in the World to Come, to feel good about themselves, or perhaps to provide a more stable environment for their children. Yet Kabala and Hassidism teach that the above description, notwithstanding its merit, lacks the core of Judaism.

THE TRUTH ABOUT G-D

Kabala and Hassidism lay bare the inner workings of creation. They present in clear terms the radical truth, that all of existence is merely a projection of higher spiritual forces, which in turn are merely rays of Divine emanation [footnote #3 – Tanya, Shaar HaYichud VeHaEmuna, ch. 1-3]. The meaning of the first two commandments, “I am G-d your G-d”, and “You shall have no other gods before me,” is not only that there are no other actual gods. It means there is nothing in existence aside from and independent of G-d [footnote #4 – Tanya, ch. 20].

In Kabala we learn that the idea of an autonomous world is an illusion. The only thing that exists is G-d, for the entire world is submerged in, and is part of, G-d’s reality. The physical piece of bread we consume is not something separate from Him; it is a manifestation of Divine energy. G-d is the reality of every reality. Everything that exists is in truth a reflection of G-dliness, it is only due to His ability to conceal Himself that there are many things that seem to be not-Him, including ourselves. We experience ourselves very intensely as being me and not Him, to the point that people can say He does not exist. G-d is so skillfully concealed, that even though the opposite is true - He exists, and I do not exist independently of Him - I can think that I exist and He does not. The root of all selfishness and evil lie in the sense that reality is separate from G-d.

In the Tanya [footnote #5 - ch. 23, 24], Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi posits that every thought, word and action of a human being boils down to one issue: is it in tune with the truth of reality or estranged from it? Every thought can proclaim that the only thing that exists is G-d, or it can indicate that you think there are other things that exist besides Him. Every word either expresses this idea that the only thing that exists is G-d, and we are an extension of His holiness, or the idea that you think there are other things in existence. So too for actions you take. Every decision you make is either proclaiming the exclusive existence of G-d, or you are saying - G-d, You are great and all, but this part of my life and this thing in my life is detached from You. In this space, You don’t exist.

This is the foundational idea of all Kabala and Hasidism: If G-d does not amount to everything, He amounts to nothing.

The purpose of creation, Kabala teaches, was not only that people live moral lives. The goal of creation is rather articulated in the words of the Midrash [footnote #6 – Midrash Tanchuma, Naso 16], “G-d desired a dwelling in the lower realms.” G-d desired to reside within the consciousness of each and every one of us. For this we must transcend our innate self-centeredness and acquire a G-d-centered consciousness. We must learn to internalize the truth that the human “I” is merely an extension of the Divine I. When Moshiach will come, this consciousness will pervade civilization. Our goal is to lead the world to that state of consciousness.

Yet the transition from the self-oriented model of Judaism to the self-transcendent model of Judaism was a protracted process, both in the microcosm, I.e. in each individual’s little world, and even more so in the macrocosm of the world at large. Simply put, it takes time to grow up.

Motek

Mon, Sep 20 2004, 1:55 pm

THE TRADITIONAL MODEL OF EDUCATION

This process can be better understood by looking at the traditional Jewish model for educating young children. Maimonides, who first codified the full range of Jewish law, offers a concrete plan for effective child rearing [footnote #7 – Commentary on Mishna, introduction to Sanhedrin ch.10. Also, Mishne Torah, Hilchos Teshuva 10:5]. In brief, he says that since a child is inherently a self-centered being, too immature to appreciate higher motives, it is necessary to use reward and punishment as a motivational impetus. Only as the child matures can one slowly teach him about serving G-d out of love and awe, the ultimate stage of growth being a love so intense that one’s entire consciousness and awareness is consumed by, and with, G-d. Such a person, states Maimonides, serves without any consideration for self, without any desire for remuneration, “he does the truth because it is the truth.” It takes a great deal of maturity for an individual to make this transition.

So too, it takes a great deal of maturity on the national level. In fact, Maimonides writes explicitly [footnote #8 – ibid 10:2] that not every person can achieve this level. In order for such a degree of selfless devotion to become available to the masses, we had to go through a great deal of growing pains. Only after our Creator decided we were ready to use them properly, did G-d see fit to release the secrets of Kabala and Hassidism, to help people learn how to see their very I and the I of existence as a continuum of the Divine I.

The reason that destiny made this literature available to progressively larger audiences is because these same audiences are ready to transcend their petty self-centered lives, and become “dwellings” for G-d. This is the true significance of the statement in the Zohar that in the time immediately prior to the coming of Moshiach, “even little children will know these teachings.” If even little children, in our times, are able to experience G-d centered consciousness, obviously, we have to reconsider the traditional approach to education.

G-D ESTEEM

This is the underlying cause of the educational crisis of today. It has nothing to do with if we have too much or not enough self-esteem. The whole problem is self-esteem. We have reached the point in history when we are supposed to teach our children how to have G-d-esteem, not self-esteem. G-d esteem includes the child’s own individual soul, and therefore the knowledge that everything that G-d expects of him or her, s/he can achieve.

Parents say you cannot expect that much from today's kids, it's not what it used to be, today you have to make more compromises, make it easier on the kids, because their selves are far more fragile. And it's true that their selves are more fragile. But why are they more fragile? Because we are teaching them about a “self” that is not real. We are teaching our children to embrace a shallow, superficial, and skin-deep sense of self. The time has come when G-d is asking us to put the finishing touches on His “dwelling,” and the reason our selves are so fragile is because we are supposed to get rid of them. We are supposed to have G-dly souls, not egotistical selves. Our egos are so fragile because we are not supposed to have egos anymore.

But we're still using the old system of: there's me and my ego, G-d and his commandments, and how do I fit G-d and His commandments with me and my ego? How much of my ego do I give up for G-d and how of much of my ego do I not give up for Him? That has always been the struggle, but when Moshiach comes, there will not be a conflict between your ego and Hashem's commandments, because it will be revealed that your own being is a manifestation of G-d in this world. There will not be any conflict because it will be obvious that nothing exists except for G-d. You are one with G-d.

Motek

Mon, Sep 20 2004, 1:59 pm

THE REAL SELF

In the sixties and seventies, everyone became concerned about finding themselves, and today people are still trying to find themselves. Even psychologists and so-called experts are walking out on families and marriages because they have to go find themselves. However, no one is succeeding in finding anything worthwhile, because there is nothing to find. They are looking for something that does not exist. The real self is G-d. That is your real self, who and what you are - a part of G-d. There is nothing else to find, nothing else to look for. Where do you get the tools to look for that? Torah, Kabala and Hassidism. These are the tools to find your real self.

So are we too little or too big? Do we have too much self-esteem or too little of it?

The answer is both. Because if we are for ourselves, then we will be big when we are supposed to be small, and little when we are supposed to be great. Yet, we are living in a time when we can no longer tolerate experiencing ourselves as separate from G-d. When we experience ourselves as separate from G-d, we fall apart physically, emotionally, and psychologically because the world is changing, becoming progressively more of a “dwelling” for G-d. G-d only dwells where the “self” does not get in the way. We are living in a time when “even little children will know these teachings,” as the Zohar puts it. Even a child, the classic example of a self-centered, self-absorbed being, is ready for the ultimate reality, one in which everyone and everything realizes that nothing exists outside of G-d.

So the whole problem is not too much or too little self-esteem, but that there is a concept of self-esteem altogether. The concept of self-esteem is a corruption because there is only G-d, and we are a manifestation of His Truth. If my entire existence is nothing else but a manifestation of G-d, then I can do anything. Because I am a divine being with a divine mission, and given divine powers, there is no question of “who am I and what am I.” It is only a question if I think I am separate from G-d.

THE NEW MODEL OF EDUCATION [footnote #9 – Sicha, Simchas Torah 5752, Sefer HaSichos 5752, vol.1 p. 37-42]

So instead of the old model of subjugating the ego to G-d's will, educate children not to have an ego, for the only thing that exists is their identity as part of G-d. We are not supposed to be teaching children anymore how to get their egos to submit to G-d. We are supposed to teach that egos on their truest and deepest level are one with G-d. The detached ego is a thing of the past, history, irrelevant. There are no extraneous selves - there is only G-d. And that's the ultimate self!

Our minds immediately reject this because we think it's not practical. Yet, look at what is happening to people. We continue trying to appeal to the baser instincts of our children, through bribery and undeserved praise, because it is the only thing we know, that we are familiar with, so we keep doing it even though we know it's impractical and it doesn't work. Then they refuse to outgrow their self-absorption, fueling the newest phenomenon of “adult children.” We also discover at some point that they have problems with self-esteem and unhealthy egos. Would you like to hazard a guess whose fault the family shrink says it is?

In fact, there is no such thing as a healthy ego! It does not exist in the world today. If you ask the biggest experts to point out people with healthy egos, they cannot. Everybody is chasing the healthy ego, which nobody has, and there are all kinds of experts on how to have a healthy ego and they don't have it either. They are sometimes crazier than everybody else. We must create a paradigm shift in our approach to education. This is the time of Moshiach, when we cannot tolerate living with our false selves anymore.

APPLICATION OF THE NEW MODEL

What this means in real-life terms is that when you communicate with your children, you are doing one of two things:

1) Teaching that the child is a separate existence from G-d, and the way you give that message is when you tell him to do something he doesn't want to do, when you do anything unpleasant to him, and you blame it on G-d. That is how many parents do it - G-d only comes into the picture when you want to explain to the child why you are doing things to the child that he doesn't appreciate. You say, "because you have to," "because G-d said so." It's G-d's fault.

Even if you do it in positive ways by saying G-d is so great and He does some great things for us, the message inherent in all those statements is that there is Him and there is us, and He does those nice things for us. It is part of our way of talking. We seem to set G-d aside where He occupies a separate realm in the heavens, conveying the sense that we are separate.

The message we have to absorb and then communicate to our children is:

2) We are approaching a time in which G-d’s reality will be manifest, and we have to start living that way now. The world we currently live in is one in which G-d is no longer in heaven as a separate and higher reality. Everybody gets to see with his/her own eyes that everything is G-d, and there is nothing else but Him. Do we actually perceive this yet with our own eyes? No. However, we can start preparing ourselves, and especially the children, who are far more receptive, to live with this reality now.

Try it. You may be surprised by the results. Do not underestimate your children. They are ready for truths that defy our exile-like imagination.

BUT, WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Ah, my favorite question. When it comes to talking about G-d to little children, all of a sudden, everybody is at a loss for words. People who can hold forth on just about any topic under the sun, whether they are informed or not, are rendered speechless. What do I say to my child? How do I say it? Can you give me some examples?

I suspect the problem has more to do with our own hang-ups and conflicts than the inability to formulate cogent verbal communications geared to young developing minds. We are uncomfortable with the substance of the message because we are not living up to it. Thus, we pass on to our children the burden of our exile mentalities.

I can only pass along what the message is - I can’t put words into anyone else’s mouth.

So to sum up, in brief:

1) Everything that exists is part of Hashem, including you and the rubber ducky.
2) Nothing exists besides Hashem, including you and the rubber ducky.
3) Everything Hashem made - exists only to do what He wants, including you and the rubber ducky.
4) We, including you and the rubber ducky, really only want what Hashem wants because we have no other existence outside of Hashem.
5) You, not the rubber ducky, have the ability to accomplish, in the service of Hashem, great things beyond even your own wildest imagination. This is because your existence is an extension of Hashem, and Hashem is all-powerful.

This message can be conveyed in just about any setting and in practically any situation, whether when doing a mitzvah or playing in the water with the aforementioned rubber ducky. Obviously, the message will only get through if our own behaviors, and the home environment we create, are as consistent as we can make them with what comes out of our mouths.

Imaonwheels

Wed, Dec 06 2006, 7:24 am

As this was brought to my attention I do have a few comments.

First in general I agree with him. I think chinuch that does not implement these principles has no right to call itself Chassidishe chinuch and its claim to the title Jewish Chinuch is dubious. Judaism was never meant to be us bartering w/the KBH for the corner lot in the olam haba. If we do commandments because of our side benefits then we are serving ourselves and not Him. Our education system can perpetuate that self service or break the cycle. I did not find this article extreme or revolutionary in the least. It is basic Chassidus 101 applied to the classroom.

1) Call it what you will - self esteem, positive self image - Judaism has a name. It is called kochi v'otzem yadi. What is the difference between this and the "You can do it" crowd of reinforcers?

2) We are aware of ourselves and we love and esteem ourselves. If you don't believe it wait until someone unesteems you and see how it feels.

3) Lack of self - esteem is actually lack of emuna in the KBH.

Slow down for explanation.

Instead of trying to be aware of ourselves we should trying to be aware of Him. Instead of believing in ourselves we must believe in Him.

This is accomplished by doing awahy with the success/failure method of judging ourselves. Today's modern nonTorah education methods teach us to go out of our way to make our students experience successes and not failures. We cannot challenge him so there is no chance of failure. He doesn't learn to reach for the stars because we all know that not everyone can reach the stars so its better not to try. I have had so many students who limit their aspirations to 'realism' so they won't fail.

A better idea would be not to implant this idea in their heads in the first place. An analogy from one of my teachers:

A weight lifter in Olympics lifst 498 lb. His opponent lifts 499. He then also lifts 499. His oponent lifts 500lb. He tries and cannot. He has truly reached the limits of his strength. He has failed to win. He may translate to he has failed or he is a failure.

However, if he realized that he could not lift a bag of sugar if HaShem did not give him the strength he would realize that he did not fail and it was not his purpose to lift 500 lb or to win this particular competition. This is assuming that he did everything proper to prepare. In fact he has learned something. The present limit of his physical strength.

If a child stands at the blackboard to do a math prob and it is difficult what should you say to her? "You can do it"? What if she really can't because it is above her ability or she hasn't learned the concepts properly yet? How many children with difficulty feel they are being humored by adults who say you can do it when they honestly cannot.

My nephew lived with other family before he came to live with us. He has a serious LD and emotional issues. He was told over and over "You are a very bright child and you can do it". Meanwhile his difficulty worsened and the denial of the adults caused them to refuse special ed. His younger sister is in an academically challenging school and they are still in denial. Her emotional withdrawal is starting to resemble autism. They know that she can do it.

It is important to teach our children true bitul and to respect the source of everything we achieve. The only failure in life is the failure to try and the failure of continuing to chase after a task that was not meant for us. The only success is learning to use what HaShem has given us properly and not being upset that others are sharing the load.

Bitul does not mean that I am nothing. Bitul is what I am is what He made me. Therefore I have no right to be less and no right to be more. I can do it if He wants me to do it. In that case He has certainly given me the ability. Not trust in myself but trust in Him.

Motek

Thu, Dec 07 2006, 1:50 pm

Imaonwheels wrote:

First in general I agree with him. I think chinuch that does not implement these principles has no right to call itself Chassidishe chinuch and its claim to the title Jewish Chinuch is dubious.

You DO realize you're a maverick! Smile

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Judaism was never meant to be us bartering w/the KBH for the corner lot in the olam haba. If we do commandments because of our side benefits then we are serving ourselves and not Him.

Whoops! There goes the underpinning for many (most) frum Jews!

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I did not find this article extreme or revolutionary in the least. It is basic Chassidus 101 applied to the classroom.

Weeeeell, that's because you're highly unusual! Come on! You DO realize that for even very knowledgeable Chasidim, this is an eye-opener, don't you? Why? Because way too many Chasidim have a "disconnect" between the Chasidus that they learn and "real life."

Quote:

1) Call it what you will - self esteem, positive self image - Judaism has a name. It is called kochi v'otzem yadi. What is the difference between this and the "You can do it" crowd of reinforcers?

Dr. Twerski goes to great lengths to explain why self-esteem is desirable and not arrogance and how it doesn't conflict with humility. I suppose your response to that is "yeah right." What DO you think of Dr. Twerski's promotion of self-esteem as THE most vital ingredient in our lives?

You write, "A better idea would be not to implant this idea in their heads in the first place.? And your alternative is this?:

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It is important to teach our children true bitul and to respect the source of everything we achieve.

Care to elaborate on how to teach children true bitul?

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The only failure in life is the failure to try and the failure of continuing to chase after a task that was not meant for us.

How does one know whether a task is meant for them or not? Sometimes we surprise ourselves, we don't know our capabilities or that of others.

Imaonwheels

Fri, Dec 08 2006, 6:51 am

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Dr. Twersky calls himself Dr., not rabbi although he is one. People buy his books because he is a psychiatrist, not because he is a rabbi. They who want psychology feel better if it comes from a rabbi.

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Whoops! There goes the underpinning for many (most) frum Jews!

I hope this is gone as the underpinning.

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In Israel I am not, BTW. It is also because girl's chinuch has taught them to do that by introducing state curriculum for teachers as if Torah was lacking. Chassidishe sources are not taught as, "Alright girls, the state supervisor left and you all passed. Now here is the real thing!" We had in our michlala a BT psychologist to teach a course on adolescence. In the 1st year she said there were almost no sources from a Torah viewpoint and started handing us copies from a psych textbook. She lasted 4 wks, the course was cancelled w/full refund. She told me that she couldn't stand my mashpia either. Twisted Evil

Elaborations have to be after Shabbos, I am not finished.

Quote:

How does one know whether a task is meant for them or not? Sometimes we surprise ourselves, we don't know our capabilities or that of others.

You answered your own question. Try. If you gave it everything you got and then some and didn't accomplish your goal, it probably belongs to someone else. If its your job you will have the means. It does not have to be easy and it probably won't be. See the sichos on why Adam and Chava sinned in M'gvaot Ashurenu. If HaShem gave you a talent he means for you to use it.