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Forum -> Parenting our children
R' Brezak says "Melt them down"never raise your vo



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amother


 

Post Tue, Jan 23 2007, 9:51 am
I heard Rabbi Brezak (author of Chinuch in Turbulent Times) speak.

He says
1- praise, praise, praise,
2- only talk in a loving way (melt them with warmth),
3- never argue,
4- never raise your voice,
5- only discuss what they did wrong at a time they're not fuming.
6- Don't force them to do Mitzvos,
etc.

Have parents seen major changes with this approach?
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 23 2007, 11:14 am
I guess melting refers to anger?
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jan 23 2007, 11:22 am
chocolate moose wrote:
I guess melting refers to anger?

I think he meant to melt them with your concern, warmth and kindness, in general.
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Mitzvahmom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 23 2007, 12:14 pm
I think that would work if the child has always had that in their lives.


I think mostly it's consistancy that a child needs. If it is something constant in their lives so then they know limits and expectations.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jan 23 2007, 12:19 pm
What is your opinion on Rabbi Brezak's advice to the parents Question

Dear Rabbi Brezak,

How should a parent cope with the pressures children cause when they compare their family’s standard of living with the neighbor’s?

For instance, when three or four neighbors make additions to their houses, because they needed the space and were able to afford it, my children wanted an addition too. We also need it. Almost all of my neighbors have decent cars. We don’t.

Even though we, as parents, can make do with what we have, our children can’t. They feel less then their friends and neighbors, who even though are not rich and spoiled, seem to have more than us.

This is a very contentious point in our house. It is at a point where my teenagers are angry at us and accuse us of not caring about what is important to them. "Why do we have to be the only ones" — either on the block or at school — "who have such an ugly house or car," etc. They are embarrassed to invite friends over or be seen in our car. They say their friends comment about it as well.

What are we to do?

Frustrated parents

Dear Mrs. and Mrs. ______,

The first step is to listen to your children with the intention of understanding them. Apply compassion and care while listening and try to truly put yourself in their place.

This shouldn’t be too difficult because you yourself are in agreement that the house needs an addition.

Sometimes doing this is enough. As with the high school class after the terrorist attack, the very fact that the children were able to air their feelings while being listened to and understood was sufficient.

In this case, I don’t think it will solve the problem, although it may alleviate much of the tension between you and your children.

The next step is to consider their feelings important, thus giving them the message that what is important to them is important to you. Again, this does not mean that you have to do as they want. But it does mean that how they feel is important to you. Although you yourself may be able to live with certain compromises, they suffer much embarrassment, mainly from peer pressure, so for them the burden is a much harder one to bear.

Once you truly understand them and feel for them, then it is time for the next step: a plan of action.

Here you are in a predicament, because even if you would like to expand your house, get a new car, and so on, your income does not allow for it. You should say something to your children like, "Your feelings are very important to me, and I would do something if I could."

This alone can make your children feel better, as long as you are sincere when you say it.

It may be worthwhile to make the improvements a top priority, so that your children will really see how important their feelings are to you. Therefore, if you get extra money it could be set aside for this.

Even if you make an improvement in only one area it is worthwhile, for you are showing your children that what is important to them is important to you. You will also enjoy a fringe benefit: your children will begin to reciprocate and make what is important to you, important to them.

In general, if children feel that parents consider their feelings important, they will feel much more appreciated by the parents and much less bitter.
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Imaonwheels




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 28 2007, 8:54 pm
amother wrote:
I heard Rabbi Brezak (author of Chinuch in Turbulent Times) speak.

He says
1- praise, praise, praise,
2- only talk in a loving way (melt them with warmth),
3- never argue,
4- never raise your voice,
5- only discuss what they did wrong at a time they're not fuming.
6- Don't force them to do Mitzvos,
etc.

Have parents seen major changes with this approach?


Yes, I have seen enormous damage done by #1.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Jan 29 2007, 9:33 am
thank you for telling me which book not to buy Twisted Evil
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nanama




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 29 2007, 11:09 am
Is he talking about teenagers?
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Coke Slurpee




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 29 2007, 11:14 am
[quote]Yes, I have seen enormous damage done by #1.[quote]

Care to elaborate? How is praising a child damaging?
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chaimsmom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 29 2007, 3:36 pm
I don't know what Imaonwheels was referring to, but I have seen kids who receive so much praise that they are incapable of doing anything without wanting positive feedback. I think it's important for kids to learn to feel satisfaction in doing a good job, even if no one else tells them so. Let's face it - once you're an adult, how many people tell you when you did a good job? At work, we get summer interns who don't get that people are not going to fall all over themselves telling them how wonderful they are every time they do something.
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Imaonwheels




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 30 2007, 10:40 am
Praise should be a spontaneous appreciation when a child has done something to deserve it, period.

It should not be used a doggie biscuit to influence behaviour. A child can definitely become dependent on praise and adults can come to think that it is a need. I recently was in a shiur (as organiser) and a SW with a MA was bewildered. Don't children NEED praise to be mentally happy? You have to compliment them. Today it is painfully obvious that praise, positive reinforcement, etc is not being used but misused.

I have do not understand what was so difficult for her to understand the dangers in teaching a child that his feelings of self worth should be at all dependent on winning the approval of others.

Properly used reinforcements should make the proper behaviour more internalized and need less outside reinforcement. If the price keeps going up something is wrong. If the child who "needs" praise is a teenager something went wrong. Rewards are better not used at alll than used incorrectly.

We should not be overly critical and cultivate hakarat hatov and kav zechus in us for ourselves.
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Coke Slurpee




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 30 2007, 11:06 am
Who said praise is used as a reward, something to work for?

Of course a parent has to know when and how to use praise. But a child's self esteem/self worth is knowing that what they do is appreciated and good. A praise said sincerely and meaningful can go a long way.

There are parents who don't know praise, and all the child hears is how to do things better, to be better and how what they do isn't good enough.

Everybody needs to know that what they do is appreciated and has worth - one of the ways of showing this is praise.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In its common usage praise is the act of making positive statements about a person, object or idea, either in public or privately. Praise is often contrasted with criticism, where the latter is held to mean exclusively negative statements made about something, although this is not technically correct. Most people are responsive to praise and will increase in self-esteem or confidence if a suitable amount of praise is received
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PinkandYellow




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 30 2007, 11:20 am
Quote:
A praise said sincerely and meaningful can go a long way.



the point is also that the praise needs to be sincere. puffing up a person with false self-esteem to think they are superman, when they are really brain dead (extreme example), is also wrong. a person has to at least be realistic and know where they stand, what their capabilities are.


Quote:
There are parents who don't know praise, and all the child hears is how to do things better, to be better and how what they do isn't good enough.

Everybody needs to know that what they do is appreciated and has worth - one of the ways of showing this is praise.


exactly right! and unfortunately, most ppl probably err on the side of not giving enough praise than giving too much.
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Imaonwheels




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 07 2007, 12:38 am
Sonniboni wrote:
Who said praise is used as a reward, something to work for?

Of course a parent has to know when and how to use praise. But a child's self esteem/self worth is knowing that what they do is appreciated and good. A praise said sincerely and meaningful can go a long way.

There are parents who don't know praise, and all the child hears is how to do things better, to be better and how what they do isn't good enough.

Everybody needs to know that what they do is appreciated and has worth - one of the ways of showing this is praise.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In its common usage praise is the act of making positive statements about a person, object or idea, either in public or privately. Praise is often contrasted with criticism, where the latter is held to mean exclusively negative statements made about something, although this is not technically correct. Most people are responsive to praise and will increase in self-esteem or confidence if a suitable amount of praise is received


The prob is today we have gone overboard in the other direction. I mentioned the SW who said praise is a need. I certainly said we have to develop our ability to see good and give the opposite of criticism. But we also have to teach our children that their well being is not dependent on anyone's approval but HaShem's. Parents and teachers are afraid to give legitimate building criticism. Teachers are terrified to challenge a child to go higher in fear that not meeting his or our expectations will permanently damage his fragile ego.

A child\s environment should give him age appropriate nurturing so that he can feel free to try whether he succeeds or fails in his original goal. He should also never be humored by his parent or teacher, the opposite of respect.
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