Know my child? Or care about what people think?

amother

Mon, Dec 17 2012, 2:19 pm

When I drop my 2.5 year old off at playgroup in the morning, I take him out of the car first, walk him to the sidewalk (several yards behind my car, wide enough for other cars to get by so that they can park in other spaces), leave him there, and then get my baby out of the car and walk him across. I've been getting looks from other parents about it, and one of the teachers there made a comment about it recently.

Now, you have to know my son. He hasn't gone into the street without holding my hand since he was about 14 months old or so. I've been doing this with him since September. He does not go in the street. Period. I trust him as much as I trust my 5 year old. My kids just plain do not go in the street, B"H. I can also see him easily (and am constantly looking back at him) the entire time. He's no farther away from me than he would be at the playground.

I explained this to the teacher, but she was there again today and insisted on standing there with him while I got the baby out. She said something about how I can do whatever I want when she's not there, but when she's there, she feels like she needs to stand with him. I called my mother today, and she said to me, "Look, if I saw a random 2.5 year old standing there, I"d probably think his mother was being irresponsible. But your kids are weird. When I walk out to my car and tell them to follow me, they just won't do it until I give them my hand. You're right, there's no real chance of them running into the street."

But here's the thing. This playgroup has a big mix of people. I'm OOT yeshivish, and people know that. There are some yeshivish people there, some MO people there, and a handful of non-shomer shabbos people there. Part of me wants to say, "Look, I trust my kid. I know him. I know he's not going to run into the street. I know it's safe." But the other part of me feels like other people are going to look at me negatively because of this -- which normally I wouldn't care about, but then I feel like they're going to stereotype and think "Oh, that irresponsible yeshivish mother. Has more kids than she knows what to do with."

And if you're wondering what's the big deal, just walk them both over together...My baby is about 20 pounds, and he's often sleeping in his carseat when I drop off ds. That means carrying the HEAVY carseat in one arm and holding ds's hand with my other hand. It's hard. I would 100% do it if I thought that what I was doing was unsafe, but honestly, it isn't. Is it silly to change what I'm doing because I'm scared of "what people will say"? Or is it...something like a chillul Hashem if I continue doing what I'm doing, knowing that people think it's irresponsible?

MaBelleVie

Mon, Dec 17 2012, 2:26 pm

Could you start a new routine of him let's say holding onto the fence next to the sidewalk where you parked? That way it doesn't look like he's just standing there about to run into the street. If it were my child I would probably trust him, but I do care about others' opinions to an extent, especially someone like his teacher.

syrima

Mon, Dec 17 2012, 2:33 pm

If I saw a kid with a yarmulka on waiting by the street I would be less worried. People see a boy without one and assume they will be your average unpredictable toddler.
I would figure out some other way until he turns 3 at least, even if it means asking a friendly mom to stand by your car and watch the baby while you take him in.

Mon, Dec 17 2012, 2:45 pm

Do you use a snap-and-go? It is wonderful for schlepping a baby in a carseat, anywhere and everywhere. When I had a baby in an infant seat, it absolutely revolutionized my life - no more dragging a heavy carseat and baby over one arm! It couldn't be easier to open/close and use. (I'm referring of course to the model that was current when my baby was little - but I doubt they are worse rather than better nowadays).

Have ds hold onto something while you get the baby out of the car, or get the baby out first while ds remains in his seat.

Kugglegirl

Mon, Dec 17 2012, 2:57 pm

Could you have him walk with you to the baby's side of the car & hold the door handle of the front car door?

This is what I did when I had pre-schoolers & a baby. That way the pre-schooler is holding on to something & is only a hand grab away from me. Then when I had the baby, the pre-schoolers could hold my hand, or hold on my coat or the baby stroller.

OTOH- if the teachers are standing right there, can you just walk the 2yo over to a teacher & go? Or maybe an other parent can walk him in. Why do you have to shelp the baby out of the car every day?

amother

Mon, Dec 17 2012, 3:55 pm

OP here. I know there are ways around it. That wasn't the point. Point is, do I take into account what others think?

(Nursing)

Kugglegirl

Mon, Dec 17 2012, 4:43 pm

I think in this instance, yes.

It sounds like you are outside of the norm for this.

To others who don't know your child, it appears that you are being negligent. Maybe they are worried that your tiny child may run out while they are pulling in. I for sure drive like 2 miles an hour if I see any kid that looks like under age 7 any where near the curb or sidewalk & un-attended, or inattentively attended.

Sure, that mom "knows" her 5 year old won't run in the street, but I see a small kid, a busy street, a loose ball or puppy, mabe. How am I supposed to know what is going on. & maybe I do give the fish eye to the mamma who is standing there or juggling her groceries.

Well, that's what I think.

So it is really up to you if YOU want to care what people think.

"People" at this point include parents more & less "yeshivish" than you (not that I care, but by your own description) & your child's teachers. Up to you if you want your child's teachers to think you are lax in safety issues, as well as the parents of possible playmates (Do I feel safe sending my kid to play at OP's house?), etc.

naomi2

Mon, Dec 17 2012, 8:55 pm

I think it's not safe. and you are wrong to think that your child wont ever run into the street while he's unsupervised. I believe he is very well behaved but you just never know-children are by practicly impulsive by definition! I also dont see why you cant just take out your baby first, or just take him out of the seat and carry him in your hands if hes too heavy with the seat.

amother

Mon, Dec 17 2012, 9:36 pm

OP here. I can't give this the time it deserves right now, as I'm on the run, but...

I called my mother today and asked her this same thing. She's by nature VERY paranoid, very overprotective, so I wanted her perspective. She said to me, "Honestly, if I saw a kid your ds's age standing near the street without a parent, I'd probably think that the mother was being negligent. But, well, you're right. Your kids are just strange that way. They're trained so well that they just won't go into the street, no matter what."

She said that she's tried to get them to go in the street -- not to test my authority, just because it was easier for her. Like she told my four year old to follow her to the door of the car when her car is parked right in front of her house (on what is essentially a dead-end street). He looked very confused and just stood there holding out his hand for her to take. Same thing when she drops off the kids by my apartment and opens up the door in the parking lot, expecting them to walk along the side of the car and onto the sidewalk (they'd be walking between two cars directly to the curb). They just won't do it. They look at her like she's crazy for asking.

To me, being "afraid that he'll run in the street" is like not letting him play with Legos or marbles because he might swallow one. Sure, I guess there are two year olds that put things like Legos or marbles in their mouth. But he hasn't done that in forever, so it would be ridiculous for me to not let him play with them when he's proven that they're not a safety hazard for him. Same here. I mean, I guess that a ten year old might run into the street too. But the likelihood of that happening are slim to nil, so we take that "chance."

That said...the only reason I'd change the way I'm doing things is because other people might be judging me based on this. I hate changing the way I do things based on "what others might say" -- I've lived my life trying not to do this, and I don't want to start now. But I don't really see a way around it.

(I take him out of his carrier sometimes, but he often naps while I'm picking up ds, so at those times I leave him in...I can't use the stroller attachment because his class is inside a preschool building and I need to walk him to the room, which is up a flight of steps with no elevator...and yes, I could walk my ds around the side of the car and have him hold on while I get the baby out and then hold the carrier in one hand and ds's hand in the other, and I'd do that if I had to, but I really think it's not necessary and a pain for no reason other than "what people will say"...)

Dh heard what I said and said yeah, maybe I have a point. His suggestion: take the baby out first, sleeping, in the carrier, and leave it (with him inside) on the sidewalk. Then go back for ds and walk him across the street to where the carrier is. Does this seem better? The baby (who can't even crawl yet) isn't going to wake up, unbuckle himself from the carrier, and roll into the street. And I'm watching him the whole time, and he's only a few yards away. But somehow I don't think people would go for that either. (My dh, who is as logical as they get, can't understand why.) Is that better?