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Forum -> Working Women
Coworkers son died- can I buy him a cross?
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amother


 

Post Fri, Jan 18 2013, 12:24 pm
my non-Jewish coworker's son passed away and I want to get him a personalized necklace with his son's initial on it.

a lot of the ones I find are crosses with an initial or the like.

is it completely inappropriate for me to be buying a cross?
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busydev




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 18 2013, 12:26 pm
yes
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 18 2013, 12:26 pm
Yes, its inappropriate. Why go there?

ETA I don't think its appropriate even without a cross. Send some flowers or an edible bouquet, not a constant reminder of a deceased child.


Last edited by MaBelleVie on Fri, Jan 18 2013, 12:29 pm; edited 1 time in total
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b from nj




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 18 2013, 12:27 pm
Why don't you buy him flowers instead?!!!
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Maya




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 18 2013, 12:34 pm
A necklace? Really?
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shmaichul




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 18 2013, 12:41 pm
It would really weird for a non jewish person to receive a cross from a Jew. I would definitely NOT do it it doesn't sound appropriate.
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 18 2013, 12:45 pm
I would not do it.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 18 2013, 12:47 pm
Yes, completely.
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 18 2013, 12:57 pm
1. Do not send a cross.
2. Do not send a necklace.
3. It's inappropriate to give such a personal gift to a coworker.
4. Especially a male coworker.
5. Not all people appreciate reminders of their lost loved ones. Everyone handles grief differently.
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Rubber Ducky




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 18 2013, 1:00 pm
Maybe you could send contribution to a charity, in his memory, that was meaningful to him.
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Happy18




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 18 2013, 1:13 pm
Rubber Ducky wrote:
Maybe you could send contribution to a charity, in his memory, that was meaningful to him.


I usually do this.
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ewa-jo




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 19 2013, 2:06 pm
Yes, inappropriate.

Are you certain that he's religious????

If he was a lapsed x-tian or an atheist, a cross would probably be pretty offensive as a gift.

Oftentimes, an obituary will include a line that says 'In lieu of flowers, please send donations to ______' (and list the name of a charitable organization)

IMO, send money to the organization. Give your co-worker a card with a note that you sent a contribution in his son's name.
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Isramom8




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 19 2013, 2:23 pm
There was an occasion where I wanted to do something for the child of a Jew who is practicing Christianity. I didn't want to be offensive. What I did was to have a tree planted in the child's name with JNF. You can choose among different certificates with different wording. They really liked it. Christians generally love Israel. And in this case, there can be the idea that something beautiful will grow out of the tragedy. Your coworker can frame the certificate, hide it in a drawer, or toss it in the trash can, as he feels comfortable.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 19 2013, 2:30 pm
I think a donation to charity is a lovely idea. especially, if the son passed away from an illness, one related to this illness. eg cancer, heart disease.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 19 2013, 7:07 pm
I am so sorry to hear of this loss. It is kind of you to be concerned for your coworker.

I agree that it is not suitable to give a religious gift, especially if you are not 100% familiar with all the nuances of your co-worker's beliefs, and those of his son.

You may wish to ask if the family has a charity of choice.

Planting a tree in Israel is a nice idea, if you think the family would appreciate it. So is planting a tree at home. I know someone (not Jewish) who gave a small sapling to a bereaved friend. It is a beautiful living memorial right at home.

A heartfelt note would be appropriate and appreciated, I'm sure.

ETA: Jewelry with initials is widely available in many styles without religious symbols.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Jan 19 2013, 10:20 pm
OP here

thanks to those of you who were kind with your response and gave me alternate ideas. I think I'm going to look into the charity or tree thing. thanks again.

and for the other amothers here who were not as kind, you should reread your post and think how you would feel if those things were said to you. I came here for advice and was shocked at some of the responses. I'm happy some other women here were nice to me because it made me rethink my view of this site.

thanks again for all of the kind words and advice.

shavua tov.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 20 2013, 2:43 am
I like to learn from other people's mistakes, OP, so I went back to reread those 'offensive' comments, and I just couldn't find them.

Maybe you are just being overly sensitive since this is a sensitive topic.

All the posters posted under their identifying names and that alone should prove that no one meant to be cruel. DLKZ!
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Inspired




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 20 2013, 3:06 am
Hashem_Yaazor wrote:
1. Do not send a cross.
2. Do not send a necklace.
3. It's inappropriate to give such a personal gift to a coworker.
4. Especially a male coworker.
5. Not all people appreciate reminders of their lost loved ones. Everyone handles grief differently.

well said. well said.
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 20 2013, 8:05 am
It is incredibly kind of you to want to offer comfort to a co-worker whose child has died. Whatever you do, your co-worker will be comforted whenever he sees you and thinhks that someone at work has acknowledged his grief and loss.
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lavender_dew




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 20 2013, 8:18 am
OP, I think the fact that you wanted to give your coworker something very personal shows that you obviously care about this person and put a lot of thought into this. While I don't think the cross is the best idea, you may be safer going with flowers, a donation and/or a card that shares your feelings.

I don't think anyone meant to be offensive, I think your feelings probably got hurt because this is a sensitive situation. Some people seemed shocked at the idea of the cross, but hasn't anyone ever seen those decals on the backs of pick-up trucks, or "RIP" t-shirts people wear? There are definitely more "abstract" ways people use to remember loved ones. Confused You sound like a good friend and your heart is in the right place.
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