Hi! I dated your husband.

chocolate chips

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:40 am

I wouldn't tell her and if someone would tell me that, especially someone who is pretty new friend I would be mortified.
I am sure her husband either told her or when he realizes who you are, will tell her.
THere will come a point in your friendship when this will be a mutual understand or she might mention it to you that she knows.
Don't be the one to tell her you never know what the background of her and her dh relationship is.

OheivYisrael

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:50 am

I don't think this is a clear-cut yes or no answer. I think the stress is to minimize the issue, make it seem insignificant and in the past (which it is). To that end, don't bring it up. If something ever comes up where not mentioning the past would be the equivalent of hiding it, I would say something casual like, "oh yes, I think I might have known that- I think I went out with your husband once or twice". And then move on.

amother

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:51 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Sorry, my first reaction was she could say "Hi! I married your boyfriend!"

Probably the less you make of it, the less she will react. If you are ever all four together, make a big deal of loving up your own husband in front of her and simply do not talk to her husband. Simply always talk only to her. Never talk to this guy ever, beyond the most threadbare civilities, at any time.

If it comes up, say "OH! I FORGOT. It was only three dates, and it didn't come to anything, and I was seeing a lot of people at the time. It was a busy time. Hee hee. B"H I then met my TRUE beshert. I hope you are not offended I FORGOT him? I was busy and young. Sorry."

perfect I agree, and agree totally with the point that the more you dramatise this the bigger a deal it will seem to her. If you do say something to her it has to be really flippant, casual, like a joke ok? like "it was my first date ever - not so comfortable for me!" then change subject

amother

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:51 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

amother

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 11:00 am

suzyq wrote:

I wouldn't tell. I met a woman recently and she told me she had gone out with my husband - I thought it was very weird of her to tell me. Especially when I told my husband about it and he had no idea who she was. I also found out later that she asked around about how our marriage was - now I really don't want to have anything to do with her, because I feel like it's very inappropriate. If you really want to be friends with this woman, I would not say a word.

So how is your marriage Smile

amother

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 11:53 am

Same story here!
Don't say anything!!!!!!!
I dated 1 other guy before my dh-& he happened to be married to the daughter that we're very close to-we're there practically every Shabbos & for other special meals like Purim she's like our surrogate family over here....so our families are around eachother a lot. I get along really well with his wife (surprise surprise), the kids play well together as well & I'd never say anything to anyone. We've each moved on in life & are cordial to eachother. It was a bit aquard at 1st, but you get over it. It's not all that uncommon.

acccdac

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 12:05 pm

didnt read the whole thred, there is a couple like that in my community. I understand why I was set up with the guy because my dh and him are very similar (I never learned that of the other guy cause we only dated once). I've had them over for a meal. We have more in common now and are more verbal with each other now in comparison to when we dated.

My dh knows I dated him (I feel that end is important) but I've never mentioned it to her or in public because I dont know if she knows and I dont think it's important. We actually have a mutual friend and I've never said anything to her because I'm afraid it will get back to the wife.

Dandelion1

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 1:10 pm

I would avoid any cutsie explanations like "Oh I wasn't his bashert, clearly you were, etc etc." That to me is condescending and offensive. She knows he went on a bunch of shidduch dates and needs no reassurance from some random earlier date that it was her he was waiting for.

If you feel it is something that needs to be be mentioned, I would say the truth: "I just wanted to mention this because I know some might find it awkward not to mention .... I actually went on a date or two with your husband, wasn't a match, we both quickly moved on." Zehu.

amother

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 1:44 pm

I advise you NOT to do what a friend of mine did to me.

We were very close friends, but then lost touch after high school. One day I bump into her and she is married to a guy I dated to the point of almost getting engaged. I gave her an excited hello that is saved for old friends I haven't seen in a while, and without even saying hello back she just said in a very serious voice, "I know about you and my husband." okay. that was BEFORE you guys were married, you do know that, right? We've bumped into each other a few times since and she just ignores me. I feel like walking over to her and explaining that it isn't a betrayal to date someone's husband BEFORE she ever meets him! But me senses there are serious issues there so I just give her all the space she needs.

Chana Miriam S

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 3:13 pm

It's so funny. I dated ( wasn't religious) a boy for three years when I was 17. We had a long distance but serious relationship. Everyone thought we would get married.

Eventually, we did break up but both of us moved on and somehow remained friends. My husband and I went to his wedding and we really liked his wife. She and I have become quite friendly ( still long distance) but if he answers, we still chat. I am def closer to her though.

So we think its funny that he and I were so serious but she and I dream of taking a vacation together and having just girl time!

This week, I am helping her plan amid rush for her upcoming first borns bat mitzvah.

We all got together a few years ago and I was so struck by how much better suited to me my husband is than he would have been.

That said, guessing you aren't on the same page as me, so I would go with not saying anything, pretending you don't know him and then doing the oh! I totally forgot! If it ever comes up. Do think you should tell your husband and tell him what you are doing though.

shosh

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 3:33 pm

amother wrote:

suzyq wrote:

So how is your marriage Smile

How Twilight Zoneish! Sounds like a bit of a stalker ...

chocolate chips

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 9:03 pm

Isramom8 wrote:

My friend dated for many years. She was a second grade teacher. One day her student walked into class and said, "My daddy went on a shidduch with you!"

This reminds me.
Someone I know is the youngest of a large family. He recently got married and after the engagement it was realized that his oldest sister and his kallas father had dated for a while Smile

amother

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 9:25 pm

Don't tell! If she is at all insecure, she might always wonder if her DH had a thing for you. You really like this girl, so don' t take the chance. If her hubby has any secal he won't mention it. If he does, follow advice of above and say you forgot.

amother

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 9:25 pm

susqhb

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:07 pm

It's totally not a big deal. It happens often. The fact that you like get along so well with the woman he married only proves that he may have been a good suggestion to you back then. Perhaps it wasn't shyach, but the dates weren't completely off course. Tell her or don't tell her. If you don't make a big deal about it, she won't either.

Clarissa

Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:13 pm

All that matters is who everyone married. Dating a few times is no big deal. It's an interesting coincidence that you mention this today -- I spent the day with two old friends. One of them dated the other one's husband first. They had a real relationship, wink wink. It's not something any of us ever talks about or thinks about. I mean, the ones who were meant to be together got married, the other one married someone else, and everyone seems to be living happily ever after. It's not awkward when we're all together. Everything worked out in the end.