How NOT to create spoiled children

suomynona

Sun, Feb 18 2007, 5:57 am

How do I achieve the right balance between giving my child unconditional love and attention, and making sure that my doted-on bechor, only child (at this point) who gets tons of attention from his parents does not become a spoiled brat?
I'm afraid he is showing such tendencies, if such a thing is possible at less than 1 1/2 years old. Is it something to be concerned about for the future or is it totally normal at this age?
Hope some of you more experienced parents can shed some light on this.

shalhevet

Sun, Feb 18 2007, 6:10 am

For sure it is possible at this age, but it is also relatively easy to undo any damage.
First you need to decide the difference between what he needs and what he wants. Loving a child is giving them everything they need - food, clothing, adequate toys to develop etc.
If he asks for something you didn't plan on giving him, you have to decide quickly if you want him to have it (the third cookie, the cookie instead of lunch, the toy when you're out). Now once you've made a decision stick with it. If he's not used to it, the first few times you say no will be tough. But don't give in. Slowly he will learn that he can't have everything.
OTOH, the things you think he needs or what you've decided to agree to, give him straight away.

Another thing to have in mind is that the higher the level of things we give our children, the higher their expectations will be. If you give him chocolate milk every day he will expect it and you will have to give him ice-cream as a treat. If you only give it on Rosh Chodesh or Shabbos it will be a treat. The same with toys, outings etc.

I am interested to hearing other replies too.

suomynona

Sun, Feb 18 2007, 6:37 am

he's not at the age where I'm talking about physical things. I wouldn't say he's spoiled as far as nosh and toys and he's not really able to ask for things yet.
At this point, it's more like he's used to tons of attention. He's always fake crying and sometimes makes a disproportionate fuss about things. (Again maybe that is normal for this age?) He's used to his every move being a big deal by his parents. Is there harm in that?

challi

Sun, Feb 18 2007, 6:52 am

I agree with shalhevet 100% . Another point I once heard, I think it was actually something mali posted though I hope I credited it correctly, was that spoiling your child is doing something for them that they can do for themselves. That statement totally made sense to me, and since I've tried to implement that with my dd and have seen amazing results. I too am/was really worried about spoiling her.

Also, you have to know exactly where you stand on issues and stick your ground. At this point if you can't or don't want to follow through on something don't make it an issue in the first place. I've noticed that parents who say no and then give in have much more spoiled kids than parents who choose their battles wisely, even if it means giving the child the same thing.

Some how around 1yr dd started to hit. this went on for abt 1.5 months. I have no idea where she got it from. I asked a friend with 11 kids of her own (all of which are amazingly well mannered and behaved its really amazing the chinuch habanim that goes on there) what I should do. She told me to do 1 of 2 things a) ignore it and she will grow out of it, since she really didn't think my dd knew what she was doing hurt b)every time she hit to hold her hand and day no and give it a kiss. Boy was I skeptical! I chose b) it was really tough. Every time I had to stop WHATEVER I was doing and say no and give her hand a kiss. I took 2wks but she hasnt hit since.

Imaonwheels

Sun, Feb 18 2007, 8:32 am

If children need help, help them. If not let them do it alone. Sometimes a very tired, ill or worked up child needs help with things that he usually does alone, but that should be a rare exception.

A child can be raised to enjoy being challenged and he can enjoy being helpless.

Let Bubby and Zaide fuss. They go home and its ok.

Don't make a big tzimmes over little things. The first step is a big deal. When they are running around the house a step is not a noteworthy accomplishment. Other areas are more grey.

Sharing is learned by playing with other children the same age, after around 1 1/2. Before that most play beside other children, not with them.

Try to have him amuse himself in increasing increments. Once kids are in a regular setting out of the home - gan, playgroup. etc. it is easier.

shalhevet

Sun, Feb 18 2007, 10:06 am

suomynona wrote:

It's the same principle as what I wrote above. If he falls over - what does he need? A kiss? A plaster? Or something more serious, ch"v? When you've given him the attention he needs (again, not what he wants) leave him to his own devices.
A trick I learnt at hanchayat horim a few years ago is never to say to a child - it doesn't hurt or it's nothing. Acknowledge that it hurts, that he's miserable. Once a child knows you understand he feels much better and doesn't have to squeeze out the attention.
Again it's a question of limits. You decided it's time to cook - he has to learn to accept that. You decided it's time for a story - let him enjoy. But don't get into the situation that you want to cook and he throws a tantrum that you have to take him to the park and you give in (if he hasn't started that now he soon will 8) ).

Don't forget that 1.5-2+ is a normal, healthy time to test limits and throw tantrums, so don't worry if ds does (maybe you should worry if he doesn't 8) ) but the way you give in/ don't, will set the pattern for later in childhood when it isn't acceptable behaviour most of the time.

shanie5

Sun, Feb 18 2007, 12:00 pm

I want to add that you should teach a child to say please and thank you from the moment they start to talk. when they want something, if they learn to say please they learn they have to "give" in order to get. and that giving a thank you teaches them manners, and that demanding is not acceptable but requesting is.

and when tey get older its not just "please" its a complete sentence that includes "please" in it. and the proper tone is expected too-not a grudging 'please' as if saying 'okay,im saying please cuz u want me to, not cuz I mean it'.

I tink these manners have worked very well w/ my children.

su7kids

Sun, Feb 18 2007, 2:01 pm

You can choose what and when to give a child something. If you're talking about nosh and he's demanding, you can NOT give it at a time he's DEMANDING. If he asks, and you intend to give it, give it RIGHT AWAY. If you intend not to give it, then the answer is "no" and DON"T CHANGE YOUR MIND REGARDLESS OF HOW BIG THE TANTRUM GETS.

Pick your battles, and be consistent. You can't spoil a child by LOVE but you can spoil a child by giving them things.

Don't be nasty, but use the word "no", or when he gets a bit older and asks for something the answer might be "yes, later".

If you teach him now that when he is going to get it, he will get it if he DOESN"T have a tantrum, there will be no need for demands and tantrums.

If you think he has too many toys, you['re probably right. Don't give him any more. Take some away. If grandparents bring stuff, then take away some of the "older" things for a while. Pack them away.

I remember when my oldest was about 18 months old, I would put him in a play pen with all his toys and he went crazy, he would kvetch and cry, and one day I got so mad, I said, FINE, I'm taking away all your toys. I did, and left him with two things to play with. He was the happiest he'd been for ages. Fewer choices, less overwhelm, and now he was content.

dmum

Sun, Feb 18 2007, 2:23 pm

I have the same issue with my 1.5 yr old, who can be a little dictator, raises her forefinger and says NO when someone does something she doesn't like.. on the other hand her first 2 words (I'm serious) were thank you and please. I think it's just a phase, and try to empathise with her, show her I understand but htat she is not in charge(you don't want mommy to do that? well, mommy needs to do xyz right now). also I try to use "feeling" words - does it hurt, is it uncomfortable, are you scared - so she learns why she is feeling like that. we asked a mechanech about disciplining children under 3, he said discipline with love. but you must still set limits for basic things, esp things which could be dangerous (eg standing on chairs, they can fall). you can't expect a child to suddenly have all the right behaviors at 3 if they're not taught them beforehand, but to teach them with love, and to praise all positive behaviors and try to ignore negative ones at this stage. (Oh wow, you're sitting so nicely at the table, you're letting mommy dress you without crying, etc)

Tefila

Sun, Feb 18 2007, 3:30 pm

Imaonwheels wrote:

mumoo

Sun, Feb 18 2007, 5:44 pm

1. Follow all these ladies' suggestions, all very well put
2. Follow your own instincts, as the loving mother you are probably correct
3. Don't forget that you ARE the mother, not the pal
4. Be aware that raising children is a process, and there are no control groups. You'll never know what 'would have' happened so don't lose sleep second guessing.
5. Be flexible; adjust your methods if necessary
6. Daven