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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Teaching your child restrictions you don't keep



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malky800




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 12:33 am
So we are supposed to teach our child to do what's good for them.

How am I supposed to teach my child things that I don't do now as an adult.

That I am makpid, before we have a cookie snack that we had a fruit snack first.
How many of us tell that to our kids, but when it comes to ourselves, I'll easily have the cookie at 10 AM.


or another example. we should not let our child have candies every day. In our house real sweets, candies, gum are just saved special for shabbos.
But let's all be honest with ourself. When we are stressed we grab that fruit roll up from the closet, or that chocolate bar.
But if I would catch my kid sneaking candy on a wed. nite she would hear about it.

Now, my daughter found my candy wrapper and she said very fairly. "how come you get a candy and I can't"
What do I answer?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 1:12 am
There's a big difference between double standards, and things that grownups can do but kids can't.

I wear lipstick and nail polish, but 10yo DD can't until she's older. On the other hand, if she sees me rush to eat a sandwich without washing and making a brocha first, then that's setting a bad example.

To get back to your example about the candy, there's nothing wrong with saying "Oops, you caught me. I shouldn't have done that, and I'm going to be better about it in the future." OR, you could decide to tell her "When you're grown up, you can make the rules about when you get to eat sweets." Either way is valid, it just depends on your parenting style.

For halacha, I absolutely believe you have to practice what you preach. For other things, you can take it on a case by case basis, as long as you have a logical explanation to back up your position. Kids can smell BS a mile away!
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 1:16 am
malky800 wrote:
So we are supposed to teach our child to do what's good for them.

How am I supposed to teach my child things that I don't do now as an adult.

That I am makpid, before we have a cookie snack that we had a fruit snack first.
How many of us tell that to our kids, but when it comes to ourselves, I'll easily have the cookie at 10 AM.


or another example. we should not let our child have candies every day. In our house real sweets, candies, gum are just saved special for shabbos.
But let's all be honest with ourself. When we are stressed we grab that fruit roll up from the closet, or that chocolate bar.
But if I would catch my kid sneaking candy on a wed. nite she would hear about it.

Now, my daughter found my candy wrapper and she said very fairly. "how come you get a candy and I can't"
What do I answer?

How about: "You are still growing and need a healthy diet to grow properly. I'm all grown up, and my body looks like garbage anyway thanks to giving birth to YOU. So bugger off and let me enjoy the simple pleasures in life!"

Okay, don't say that.

How about you either sneak candy more carefully, or use your daughter's chinuch as a good excuse to lay off the snacks? Smile
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OOTforlife




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 8:02 am
DrMom wrote:

How about: "You are still growing and need a healthy diet to grow properly. I'm all grown up, and my body looks like garbage anyway thanks to giving birth to YOU. So bugger off and let me enjoy the simple pleasures in life!"
Saving this to tell my kid(s) if I ever get that question Very Happy
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Heyaaa




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 8:11 am
Why not 'I paid for it so I get to decide the rules. If you buy your own candy you can decide when you want to eat it'. That's what my mom said and it worked for us.
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5*Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 8:16 am
Maybe it's time to rethink your rules. Let go of the ones you really don't believe in.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 9:11 am
Heyaaa wrote:
Why not 'I paid for it so I get to decide the rules. If you buy your own candy you can decide when you want to eat it'. That's what my mom said and it worked for us.


That only works if you're willing to follow through.

I don't want my kids to spend their own money on candy and eat it whenever they want.
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 9:16 am
oliveoil wrote:
Heyaaa wrote:
Why not 'I paid for it so I get to decide the rules. If you buy your own candy you can decide when you want to eat it'. That's what my mom said and it worked for us.


That only works if you're willing to follow through.

I don't want my kids to spend their own money on candy and eat it whenever they want.


This. Candy isn't expensive and I don't want my kids eating whatever they can buy.
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 9:20 am
5*Mom wrote:
Maybe it's time to rethink your rules. Let go of the ones you really don't believe in.


Also this. I dont believe in double standards. OK, you're the adult and obviously you allow yourself leniency in some areas, but you shouldn't be noshing when you don't allow your kids to. Nosh is not a 'privilege' reserved for adults like alcohol or make up.

So yeah, if you want a chocolate bar for breakfast, either let your kids have one too, or hide it really really well.

I don't think it's fair for parents to 'allow' themselves a ton of things they don't allow their kids. It breeds resentment. If I need the computer for downtime, then I'm not going to tell my kids, no downtime on the computer for you. That's just hypocritical.
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Shana_H




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 9:40 am
"Don't do as I do, do as I tell you" does not work now a days, one has to set a good example when it comes to Halocha and law, ie drinking age 21 here, etc. There are things that are adult only activities, and things that are mandated by Halocha. Kids are not stupid, they know what's up!
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alef12




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 10:38 am
Heyaaa wrote:
Why not 'I paid for it so I get to decide the rules. If you buy your own candy you can decide when you want to eat it'. That's what my mom said and it worked for us.


I have a slightly different version of this one:
"I pay for the dentist so I can decide when and how much candy I eat. When you pay your own dentist bills you can do the same"
I pay/reward my kid for 'no cavities' dentist visits so they are also somewhat motivated to limit their candy intake (and brush their teeth ;-) )
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amother


 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 11:18 am
I HATED whenever my mother did something like that to me (which was all the time). I had a miserable childhood. She literally wouldn't let me eat in front of her (still doesn't but I live in a different house now Smile). If I come home from work with cookies even nowadays she says - let me have that, or Entenmans are so bad for you - so I have to tell her - I just bought it for the kids.

My MOTHER was overweight, and I wasn't, and I could not eat anything without her commenting. I developed anorexia in high school but B"H got over it. I think it's terrible to put any kind of double standard in the house. I tell my kids - obviously healthy food is better, and I don't want you to get a stomachache. Same with brushing teeth - you have a choice, but if you don't brush you might get cavities like so-and-so's little brother did ...

Similarly with Judaism - if you don't do something, don't ask your kids to do it. Say - it's a really great idea but unfortunately I am not on the level where I could do that. The end.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 11:23 am
I think that if you don't allow nosh until shabbos, you shouldn't have nosh in the house until friday afternoon. that will prevent you from breaking your own rule, and it will encourage everyone to snack on fruit or veggies instead. I can't eat nosh, and even on shabbos my kids are limited. so I do keep the nosh in the house, but they don't know what it is or where it is. they don't ask me about it, they forget during the week.

as for your particular dilemma, learn to follow another rule: throw out your own garbage. if you do that, your dd won't find evidence Smile
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 18 2013, 3:50 pm
amother wrote:
I HATED whenever my mother did something like that to me (which was all the time). I had a miserable childhood. She literally wouldn't let me eat in front of her (still doesn't but I live in a different house now Smile). If I come home from work with cookies even nowadays she says - let me have that, or Entenmans are so bad for you - so I have to tell her - I just bought it for the kids.

My MOTHER was overweight, and I wasn't, and I could not eat anything without her commenting. I developed anorexia in high school but B"H got over it. I think it's terrible to put any kind of double standard in the house. I tell my kids - obviously healthy food is better, and I don't want you to get a stomachache. Same with brushing teeth - you have a choice, but if you don't brush you might get cavities like so-and-so's little brother did ...

Similarly with Judaism - if you don't do something, don't ask your kids to do it. Say - it's a really great idea but unfortunately I am not on the level where I could do that. The end.


I wish I could click "hug" more than once, so Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug
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