What can I do besides spank?

amother

Thu, Oct 31 2013, 11:49 am

My 8 year old has become increasingly difficult. At bedtime, he refused to leave his brother's room and laid still on the floor, laughing. DH was still at work and this kid is big and strong. I'm not able to physically drag him (especially being pregnant). Threatening to take things and privileges away from him does not help. He already lost everything that means something to him within the last few weeks. So what were my options? I spanked in the end, but it really wasn't the best way to deal with things.

gesher

Thu, Oct 31 2013, 12:16 pm

Positive oriented charts can help. Make a list of the steps included for getting ready for bed... If he does it within a certain time like 5 min he gets a check. At the end of the wk he gets something (small)or gets to go somewere (small) with you. If at the end of the month if all 4 weeks he got checks he gets something big.

It could be that he got into a negative pattern where even taking away privileges doesnt seem to work. The trick is to turn it into a positive experience.

gesher

Thu, Oct 31 2013, 12:18 pm

Also, you should not be dragging him or forcefully make him listen to you. I think once a positive experience is established he will want to listen to you from his own will and motivation. G-Luck!

FranticFrummie

Thu, Oct 31 2013, 12:19 pm

He wants your attention, and negative attention is what he's good at.

Don't pay attention to him AT ALL when he does that. Just walk out of the room and ignore him. Stay extra alert for times that he's being good, and give him lots of praise and love when he's not acting out.

The behavior you feed, is the behavior that will grow. Fertilize carefully.

gesher

Thu, Oct 31 2013, 7:05 pm

I think an 8 yr old boy is a bit old for an incentive chart, no?!

No - I disagree
I have family who's done it with 10 yr olds. You make the chart a bit more mature looking. What's wrong with incentive and motivation for an 8 yr. old boy?? If you can be positive that way it's way better. for some children Praise is not enough or doesnt do much - they need tangibles.

amother

Thu, Oct 31 2013, 9:46 pm

Please please do not spank. Even if you were not pregnant you should never physically drag your child.
I grew up in an abusive home and the physical abuse has left me with scars that have taken and are taking me years to work through. It is NEVER ok to raise a hand to another human being, let alone your child, EVER.

amother

Thu, Oct 31 2013, 11:40 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. Amother, I'm so sorry you went through that. I disagree however that spanking = abuse. I just don't think it's effective most of the time.

Shana_H

Thu, Oct 31 2013, 11:48 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. Amother, I'm so sorry you went through that. I disagree however that spanking = abuse. I just don't think it's effective most of the time.

So by the same token, I guess you don't think a man spanking a woman = abuse?

notshanarishona

Fri, Nov 01 2013, 12:00 am

In my mind the term spanking refers to a continuous hard beating as opposed to saying you had to give your son a patch.
Anything that really hurts the child as opposed to a symbolic patch to discipline imo = abuse.

Sparkle

Fri, Nov 01 2013, 12:14 am

I have some very difficult children whom I used to sometimes spank when I was desperate, I am ashamed to admit.
Since learning to be a better mother I have not spanked anyone in 2 years. The key is to very calmly state the consequence and ALWAYS FOLLOW THROUGH. My kids were not listening because they knew a few things:
1. what my threshhold was. Sure, I would take away some toys, but never ALL toys. Sure, I'd tell them no treats the next day, but I would never mean ALL treats.
2. they knew that even if I gave a consequence they could often negotiate with me.
3. sometimes I would not follow through on threats or consequences given.

Sit down, make a discipline plan, and whatever you do - you must be consistent and follow through on everything you say.

amother

Fri, Nov 01 2013, 1:33 am

Shana_H wrote:

amother wrote:

OP here. Amother, I'm so sorry you went through that. I disagree however that spanking = abuse. I just don't think it's effective most of the time.

So by the same token, I guess you don't think a man spanking a woman = abuse?

It depends. If the post about spanking is in the Intimacy forum, probably not. If it's in the Abused Wives forum, probably yes.

Frankly I see the comparison to be odd.

amother

Fri, Nov 01 2013, 1:35 am

notshanarishona wrote:

And if the child is hurting another child and you can only stop him by hurting him?

the world's best mom

Fri, Nov 01 2013, 4:04 am

Shana_H wrote:

amother wrote:

OP here. Amother, I'm so sorry you went through that. I disagree however that spanking = abuse. I just don't think it's effective most of the time.

So by the same token, I guess you don't think a man spanking a woman = abuse?

And if a man would tell his wife to go in time out, that would also be abuse. And if he would tell her, "Put your dirty clothing in the laundry right now!" that would also be mistreating her.

Honestly, we're not supposed to treat children the way we treat our spouse. Children need us to be there to guide them and teach them.

However, I do believe potching should only be done when a kid does something dangerous like running into the street. I wouldn't call an occasional potch abuse, but it's ineffective discipline that fills children with negative feelings toward their parents.

the world's best mom

Fri, Nov 01 2013, 4:09 am

amother wrote:

notshanarishona wrote:

And if the child is hurting another child and you can only stop him by hurting him?

If the only way you can stop a child from hurting someone else is by hurting the offender, you need to learn some better parenting methods. You don't feel like you have control over your child, and that is making you feel frustrated and causing you to resort to unhealthy discipline. A good book or course on discipline should be helpful.

the world's best mom

Fri, Nov 01 2013, 4:12 am

Sparkle wrote:

It's very hard to keep your word if you use the consequences you mentioned. Also, the consequence has to come immediately, not tomorrow. A simple consequence that can be done right now is the most effective.

Sparkle

Fri, Nov 01 2013, 7:01 am

I don't agree that an 8 year old needs immediate consequences. I mean, sure - that's ideal. But it really limits the consequences you can give. A consequence given to an 8 year old for the next day won't bring about the desired behavior the first or second time, but believe me - once he sees the parent is serious and always follows through - it will work.
And once I chose to start sticking to my guns, I followed through on consequences that may seem difficult. The point is to make it not worth it for the child to chose not to listen. Not to make an easy consequence for the parent.

Believe me, I am SO not a disciplinarian by nature. But my house was falling apart, and my kids were running the show. This worked for me, and enabled me to reclaim being the mom.

greenfire

Fri, Nov 01 2013, 7:04 am

spanking leaves a child to feel 'why does mommy hate me' ... there have to be other consequences that are not tantamount to abuse ...

separate him from everybody else

also nothing wrong with incentive charts ... even adults could benefit from rewards