Thanks for all the opinions. I did a bit of looking into things and realized that we might have misheard our rav that its probably 3/bar mitzvah and 9/bat mitzvah not 3+9. I will make a call today to make sure and if that's the case I guess we owe some apologies to our friends.
I guess it's interesting to know so many feel 3 for SN is very early. Our rav is not known for being crazy machmier so I figured we were doing what was pretty normal for the rest of society.
I mean honestly what does any grown man need to be touching my 3 year old for?
My brother in law is constantly giving rides( throwing them up in the air) to all the kids until he can’t lift them anymore (usually 6) my daughter would have been devastated and totally nonunderstanding if at 3 or 4 we told her she can’t get a ride.