What would you do?

amother

Mon, May 23 2005, 7:14 am

On shabbos a friend of my son came over to play in the afternoon.
They went into the room to play and the friend spied a packet of boys junior size diapers.
I was in the kitchen and my 4 yr old comes running in crying that her brother told his friend that the diapers are hers but she doesn't sleep with diapers.

I tried to console her and explain his embarrassment but it wasn't working so I told her to go in and say that the diapers are old from when she was a baby and we forgot to put them away.

so really I did wrong in that I was teaching her to lie and b: I allowed my son to get away with a lie and get away with blaming it on her.
I know thats not what I want them to learn but at the same time I totally understand why he did it and I feel awful for him, so what should one do in such a situation?

Mod2

Mon, May 23 2005, 9:27 am

Amother I totaly sympathize w/h you. And I know I'm not much of a help but possibly I would have said the same thing. Except I would rather have said it. Then have got my daughter to. You see even though one shouldn't lie even a white lie if one is going to, rather it should be them then actually telling ones kid to.Like if my kids answer the phone they will never say where I am like e.g. sleeping, out , showering or just don't want to speak to a certain negative person again etc they will just say "let me check if my mother is available" and if I am, good and if not then "sorry could you leave a message, and my mother will call you when she is!"
And occassionaly you get the odd person asking why she's not available Rolling Eyes

to which my sons answer when she calls you back you can ask her, and tell them bye b/4 they ask more questions yes after a couple of mishaps embarrassed

we trained them to answer this way!

raizy

Mon, May 23 2005, 8:37 pm

I would have said the same thing but not let my daughter say it for me.

also on the other hand why were the pampers out for everyone to see. why cant u just keep it in a drawer or closet. out of sight out of mind...

amother

Tue, May 24 2005, 2:58 am

origninal amother here
good question raizy
in fact why is everything and anything out to see in their room strewn all over the floor? Rolling Eyes

anyways you both have a valid point and I appreciate that but how is it any better chinuch to have them hear me say a lie? and also what about the fact that my son lied?

sarahd

Tue, May 24 2005, 3:47 am

About the fact that your son lied: what did you expect? I don't know many adults who would have told the humiliating truth, and certainly not a child. He would have had to have an inhumanly strong character to be able to admit that the diapers were his. I think you should forget about it and don't even mention it to him. You'll only humiliate him again.

As for your daughter, you can explain that the reason you allowed her to tell a lie was to prevent her brother from being embarrassed in front of his friend, which is one of the very few times that it's permitted not to tell the truth.

Motek

Tue, May 24 2005, 10:50 am

I asked my husband what he thought and he agreed with this:

sarahd wrote:

As for your daughter, you can explain that the reason you allowed her to tell a lie was to prevent her brother from being embarrassed in front of his friend, which is one of the very few times that it's permitted not to tell the truth.

but he ALSO said:

take this opportunity to END YOUR SON'S USE OF DIAPERS!

I will add, if it was that humiliating to your son that he had to lie about it, unless he has a medical problem, it's time to quit! How old is your son?

daisy

Tue, May 24 2005, 11:22 am

Quote:

take this opportunity to END YOUR SON'S USE OF DIAPERS!

I will add, if it was that humiliating to your son that he had to lie about it, unless he has a medical problem, it's time to quit! How old is your son?

Enuresis, esp night wetting is not uncommon with children past typical toilet training age.

daisy

Tue, May 24 2005, 12:03 pm

It would be interesting to see some, wouldn't it! ...Don't even get me started on the evils of pull-ups Exploding anger

(disposables in general, but I'm a cloth-diaper drop-out, so am not really qualified to go there...)

amother

Wed, May 25 2005, 2:44 am

Quote:

Motek my son is 7 years old. Don't you think that I would have wanted it to end ages ago? Its not as if we are just plodding along and letting him wet at night because we don't care.
He sleeps heavily and simply doesn't wake up to go.
any suggestions?

Rochel Leah

Wed, May 25 2005, 7:57 am

my in laws used this thing when some of their kids had the same issue. at night the child would sleep on mat/sheet on top of the original sheet and everytime the "sheet" felt wet an alarm would go off, waking up the child who would control himslef then.

another thing , some people dont let their kids drink at a certain time before going to bed. but if I had a child with that issue I would find it difficult to restrain him/her from drinking then

Motek

Wed, May 25 2005, 2:20 pm

amother wrote:

Neither I nor my husband know you, so my husband's comment was not meant as a personal attack. Please don't take it as such.

I'm sure any parent would want their child to be fully toilet trained, the earlier the better. You hadn't said earlier how old your son is.

There are parents whose view is "when the child is ready". Considering how embarrassed your son felt, my husband thought this would be an excellent opportunity for him to "be ready" to overcome this problem.

One suggestion is - no absorbent disposables. How can he feel that he is wet if he wears those at night?

I posted a Dr.'s suggestion in another thread (although it's about daytime training, some pointers can be taken from it for nighttime training):

http://imamother.com/forum/vie.....cb8ea

amother

Wed, May 25 2005, 7:09 pm

no I didn't take it as an attack, rather I was surprised that you would think I wasn't doing anything. But I understand now.

I looked at that story you posted in that thread
It doesn't quite relate to my situation.
My boy is 7 and is trained during the day. he was never dry at night so its not a physcological issue that caused him to wet this bed.
Its purely he doesn't wake up at night and thats about it.
nothing to do with "choice"
so the story you told doesn't relate.
He doesn't choose to wet his bed at night.

thanks anyway

I may try that alarm thing

Yael

Fri, May 27 2005, 12:19 pm

motek, most likely he does. its not something the boy has control over. its very common among boys, and not uncommon among girls. a lot of the time there is a genetic factor involved. most times there is nothing to do except wait for him to grow out of it. and while you are waiting minimize the blow to his self esteem as much as possible.

Motek

Fri, May 27 2005, 1:09 pm

Yael wrote:

most likely he does.

the original post said the boy was mortified because his diapers were noticed by a friend - seems most likely he's wearing them

Quote:

its not something the boy has control over.

that's not something we can say when we don't know the child

Quote:

its very common among boys, and not uncommon among girls. a lot of the time there is a genetic factor involved. most times there is nothing to do except wait for him to grow out of it.

question is - how common was this when there were no disposable diapers?

was this really very common then, and did boys really soak through night after night until advanced ages?

I have no statistics. The only way we can get an idea is by asking those born before 1970 or so, when only cloth diapers were used.

amother

Fri, May 27 2005, 8:57 pm

Amother to Amother Wink

I have 2 boys that were trained during the day early but not at night! And I totaly agree w/h yael even though I stopped putting on pull ups since they turned 3yrs they still wet at night it didn't matter when we woke them 4 the washroom.
Thats how some boys are it could very well be genetic but why make them feel even worse for someting that is not in their control. I believe the reason they eventually stopped was b/c their body matured more, who knows. But I had them sleep on a plastic sheet and I changed their linen daily. I know of a person who used to hit her son b/c he wet every night. And you think it helped no even though he stopped at 9yrs he now as an adult is left w/h horrible scars, emotional ones I mean to his self esteem.
The only thing I did was not let my kids go 4 sleepovers to avoid them being embarrassed. It will stop eventually, no person marries still wetting their beds!!!!

amother

Sat, May 28 2005, 8:54 pm

Quote:

have you tried with regular underpants? does he sleep through wetting those?

Yes
there are times we tried going cold turkey. Weve tried waking up for the bathroom, weve also sometimes when run out of diapers just gone a few days without and just changed sheets in the morn. None of it helps.
Just yesterday he expressed again his desire to stop and his embarassment. He still pished last night.
when without a diaper he sleeps through and in the morning when he wakes up he changes his pants and climbs into his sisters bed till I get up.

Quote:

But I had them sleep on a plastic sheet and I changed their linen daily

.
for how long?

Quote:

I know of a person who used to hit her son b/c he wet every night

about the no drinking.
Recently my kids got in the habit of having milk before bed and I try convincing them that they shouldn't and in the morning they will get but then they cry they are thirsty and I feel awfull denying them.