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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers
6 yr old DD wants everything



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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 1:32 pm
My 6 yr old daughter is constantly talking about all the things that she wants. The 'Hello Kitty' bracelet that her friend has, the pink linen set that the neighbor has, the American Girl double stroller that we saw an advertisement for, etc. She regularly makes comments like 'I don't like our house' or 'my room is ichy. It's not as nice as Leah's' and is always whining about the toys or things that she saw someone else has and she wants too.

I'm not sure how to respond to this. On the one hand, I want to validate her feelings and I do try to talk it out with her ('oh really? Tell me what it looked like. What color would you want?')
At the same time, I try to tell her that we can't have everything we want, and that she does have very nice things, and gets new things on special occasions (BD, Chanukah, afikoman, etc.) and perhaps she can choose the item that she wants for her next special occasion.
Both of those approaches don't seem to help though; her frustration just seems to escalate throughout our conversation.

I'm finding it difficult to balance the sympathy with teaching her moderation. And in terms of hashkafa, should I be telling her 'ayzehu ashir hasa'meach b'chelko'? I know it's an important concept, but I feel like it will make her feel even more frustrated to hear that.

I do offer her opportunities to make money doing "chores" around the house and tell her that she can save up for things that she wants. (But realistically, she's not "making" enough money to buy any of the things she wants.) I'm not sure if that's even the right approach; perhaps I should be trying to teach her not to be desiring what other people have.

Any suggestions?
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 2:17 pm
When my DD went through this stage , I felt uncomfortable ( as you explain so well ) but also defensive. I didn't want to think about the fact that I couldn't give my daughter everything but at the same time, I didn't want her to want so much to start with. I found that being very matter of fact helped both of us. " yes, you're right, that is a pretty bracelet "-- validates her feelings , just as you say. "can I have one " or "why don't we have a play room or a vacation house or whatever" is harder. Practice what tiger comfortable with: "maybe your grandparents can give you a bracelet for your birthday" can work. "Yes , it would be nice to have a play room and we hope we can have a house with one in a few years" can help. "Because everyone spends money differently and right now we have other things to pay for " helped me. One mother worked full-time while I worked part-time. I explained that she and I made different choices that resulted in having different situations at the time, but that situations change. I also explained at one point that dh chose a career that didn't pay as much as some others but that he loved and that helped people. DD thought that was fascinating since she hadn't realized that different careers and jobs paid differently. It's tough, I know, but I made sure the kids knew that we had enough for what we needed plus extra for special things --just not for everything. The "children starving in Africa" answer never helped when they were young or as an answer to thus situation , btw.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 2:34 pm
If you feel bad that you can't give her all that, then you know where she got her ideas. From you.

Yes, being matter-of-fact is the thing to do.

I am not a fan of paying kids for chores so they can save up for things. Perhaps they can be given an allowance so they can save up for things. But that might wait until this phase passes.

My notion is kids do chores because We Live Here and that's What We Do. Because we are part of our family. These are human relationships and human functioning. They are civilian, and within the walls, and every family member owes cooperation. I wouldn't inject money into that.

You might consider who you are hanging out with. Are you sure she is seeing nice girls? I know sticking up for yourself is a skill that must be learned but just keep an eye on it. You don't want her with the wrong crowd.
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 2:44 pm
Dolly Walsh-- I vehemently disagree that the dd gets her attitude from her mother. Children notice things--especially bright alert children. You know, " one of these things is not like the other." Wanting things is a normal psychological stage of development. Learning how to direct those feelings is also a stage. Wanting to be able to give your child everything doesn't mean you would if you could either. And I don't know about the little girls you know, but the "nice " girls are nice , not saintly, so may show off what they have, or the op's daughter may just notice things.
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hop613




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 4:02 pm
I would focus more on just validating her feelings. If she presses you for a response, as to why she can't have it - I would just respond something like - I'll keep it in mind for the future.

I don't think you will ever be able to verbally convince her to be happy with what she has - those traits are learned through observing. I would try to model how you deal with wanting things that you can't have/aren't for right now. model how you deal with feelings like jealousy, etc. and hopefully she will pick up on it.

If she were a teenager, you could get more into the philisophics of not wanting what other people have. But as a 6 year old, this is totally normal. And definitely do not let her see that you ar eflustered by the constant requests, because I think that will only make her think more that she really is missing out.
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Amelia Bedelia




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 4:05 pm
I just wanted to know that you're not alone. I have the same problem with my daughter, who just turned 7.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 4:35 pm
PAMOM wrote:
Dolly Walsh-- I vehemently disagree that the dd gets her attitude from her mother. Children notice things--especially bright alert children. You know, " one of these things is not like the other." Wanting things is a normal psychological stage of development. Learning how to direct those feelings is also a stage. Wanting to be able to give your child everything doesn't mean you would if you could either. And I don't know about the little girls you know, but the "nice " girls are nice , not saintly, so may show off what they have, or the op's daughter may just notice things.


OK, but I want to see more pride in what the OP DOES have and does offer dd and the way she lives.

OP's remark contained, to me, a validation of the kid's perception that what OP has at home isn't so great.

Well, maybe it isn't. I can't see it from here.

But the kid has plenty, and must be taught to appreciate it.

She has a frum mom, whose English is good, who owns a computer, and who is concerned about her feelings. That's tons, right there.

The kid's feelings are natural. Her unabashed clear expression of them is indiscreet, and OP's remark played into that perception: that there is not enough defense of "what we DO have".
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 4:40 pm
We have a poster here whose signature is "keep your eyes on your own plate". That's right, because if you don't nip this comparison habit hard, it can eat you alive. There is always somebody with more.

It never goes away. But it does need to be tempered and wrestled down into manageable size, and sound, like a lot of natural feelings.

The kid needs to value her family because it is her refuge and safe place, her place of honor.

I feel concern about the message of low-honor the kid is feeling about her own stuff and home.

You are supposed to be sentimental about your dear house even though it may not be so very big or fancy. That has to be taught.

Without that, the kid is adrift. She sure won't be allowed to move into Leah's groovy bedroom, so where does that leave her.


Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Sun, Feb 16 2014, 5:41 pm; edited 1 time in total
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EmesOrNT




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 4:45 pm
When my boys tell me about the stuff other kids have that they would like, I remind them of the things they have. I tell them that it's not possible for everyone to have everything they want. I remind them of how hard totty works to get them the things they enjoy so much.

I don't think I should validate excessive wants. They are wants, after all.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 5:44 pm
hop613 wrote:
I would focus more on just validating her feelings. If she presses you for a response, as to why she can't have it - I would just respond something like - I'll keep it in mind for the future.

I don't think you will ever be able to verbally convince her to be happy with what she has - those traits are learned through observing. I would try to model how you deal with wanting things that you can't have/aren't for right now. model how you deal with feelings like jealousy, etc. and hopefully she will pick up on it.

If she were a teenager, you could get more into the philisophics of not wanting what other people have. But as a 6 year old, this is totally normal. And definitely do not let her see that you ar eflustered by the constant requests, because I think that will only make her think more that she really is missing out.


" I'll keep it in mind for the future" might be taken as a literal promise.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 6:39 pm
I was a little like this as a kid. She'll outgrow it eventually... like maybe at 30 Very Happy (JK, hopefully)

Teach her how to make wishlists, maybe let her make a scrapbook of things she likes. Teach her how to find the good in the things she has, and how to choose things that will make the biggest difference for her.

Ie if it's her room, you can talk about how she can choose ONE thing for her birthday. What will be the best? A lollipop will be gone for a day. But maybe that cute pillow will make her bed look nice all the time. She may choose "wrong," but it will all be good for her and educational.

The weakness of noticing things that are wrong is also a big strength in many areas, just teach her not to kvetch to others, but to look for solutions.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 10:25 pm
My dc also wants everything, and I tell him that I want a million things too, just like him, but we can't have everything we want all the time!

I tell him that he should make a list and on his birthday he can get the things he want from us and family, but that people just don't get presents every day.

I do , however, offer him little gifts from time to time, that make him happy, like stickers and other small things.

He nowadays accepts it very well, but he is a child, so of course sometimes he insists, but I am firm and I explain over and over that we all want things, everyone in the family, and it is not fair that just one gets it and that we all have to deal with this, even mommys and dadys don't get everything they want!!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 16 2014, 10:38 pm
I make a point out of expressing genuine, heart felt gratitude for everything we have.

For example, last week, in the middle of a snow storm, our furnace died and it took 5 days to get a new motor installed. Instead of complaining, we looked for things to be happy about.

B'H, the furnace company loaned us two super duper space heaters, which took care of the living area and our bedroom. Unlike the homeless people downtown, we had a roof over our heads, lots of warm blankets, electricity for the heaters, and hot water for showers. We could warm up a big pot of soup - we had nutritious food! We have so many blessings in our lives, it would be embarrassing to complain.

When DD wants something, I'll tell her about something I want, too. We'll talk about what we do have, what we'd like to get some day, and how we might get it, or how it's not meant to be. I always bring the conversation back to gratitude. For me, that's the key to having a happy life. It's not just a one time thing to say, it's something that we have to repeat in a mindful way every day of our lives.

DD, standing in front of the refrigerator. "Mama, there's nothing to eat!"
Me. "B'H, the refrigerator is full. We have a whole house full of food."
DD. "But there's nothing that I want to eat!"
Me. "That is a very different problem. Maybe next time we go shopping you can help me make the grocery list."
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