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Trying to get into the Passover spirit....
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amother






Post  Sun, Apr 06 2014, 10:08 pm
But really, after many years of marriage, I'd like just one yomtov where I wake up, get dressed alone, go to shul and daven with kavanah, come home to delicious food that I didn't have to toil over for hrs and a lovely table and well dressed kids...and sit down to my seudah. But I'm not my husband!
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ima_dina084




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Apr 06 2014, 10:46 pm
Well try to change yiur perspective
Instead of thinking his job is easier more fulfilling think of this- Ahron ah kohen would wake up early in the morning to clean up the menorah. The kohaneem were in charge of keeping the beit Hamikdash clean and beautiful.
Your house is like beit hamkidash
Your nourishing your children and DH by preparing them delicious kosher food.
Hashem took us out of slavery - instead of you working hard to serve others who rule over you, you get to work hard for your family your self in essense . You can encourage your children to show yiu gratitude. You can tell your DH it would mean alot to you if he and the kids remembered to thank you for your hard work. And try to enlist their help as much as you can.
You can tap into prayer wherever you are even if yiur home caring for kids and not in Shul.
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seeker




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Apr 06 2014, 11:38 pm
Yom tov is a bit harder as it is less usual and takes more figuring out, but could you maybe put DH up to this task one Shabbos? He's seen what has to happen for a Shabbos enough times that he should be able to produce a reasonable approximation for you. He can arrange food (buy or cook), daven vasikin and send you out to regular shul, make sure the kids get dressed, and set the table. And you'd get to feel like a queen. Why not?
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sped




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 07 2014, 12:15 am
You are not alone in that dream! WHat I know some women do, for the davning, is go to a vaskin minyan, if there is one nearby. For me that won't work, so every now and then, I go to shul for Mincha. It's not the same thing, but it is something.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 07 2014, 9:04 am
Hugs. It is a lot, this season. I felt really bad about a few posts I wrote, trying to be mechazek people for whom a lot's coming to a head now, and in both I mentioned how this time of year just makes it all that much more stressful. But I really. really hope we can all have some transcendent moments these few weeks. Halevai we should all be whistling while we work every second but tha's not gonna happen on my watch. But there is some level of excitement, some reflective moments from some good shiurim I heard, some anticipation of getting to wear a really pretty skirt I bought at the end of the last season and saved for Pesach. YMMV but I hope you all KWIM.
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amother






Post  Mon, Apr 07 2014, 1:15 pm
OP here...the thing is I'm a BT. And I became frum leading that life. Davening in shul (twice!) a day sometimes, the freedom to go tho shiurim, beautiful meals from amazing families that didn't inform me what kind of intense work went in to it all....I worked hard all week and really enjoyed the change of pace on shabbos. Now I watch my kids all week...and watch them some more on shabbos. And all those seudahs I enjoyed when I was becoming frum are now prepared by me. The lifestyle that roped me in is not what I have now. And my husband is never around during the week to help with any preparations and he just wants his time in shul on shabbos. But I guess it all just makes me a bit angry....the life that he had when he first because frum is still his life. Nothing's really changed in how he gets to enjoy yomtov and shabbos. But for me, it's very very different. And it's been like that since the beginning of parenthood. The first year we got invited out here and there and we had no kids, I was working it was different.

If anything, shabbos and yuntif is life an intensified version of what I do during the week without all the crazy school droppoff/pickup times. More "childcare", more cooking, etc but without the spiritual stuff that I enjoyed years ago.

I don't feel connected to Yiddeshkeit through my kids and my house. I just don't no matter how hard I try to see it life that. This is nothing new. I just don't understand how women are supposed to enjoy all this if we have such demands in the home.

I know when my kids are grown I'll miss all this but it's been a long time away from shul - over a decade. And it's really negatively impacted me religiously.
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imasinger




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 07 2014, 1:27 pm
OP, there was a similar thread about this a while ago. Was that you?

How old are your kids?

How capable is your DH?

The most sheltered BY girls still know that they are not doormats, and find resources to satisfy their spiritual needs. You can, too.

Is there anyone nearby you can speak to about this?
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PinkFridge




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 07 2014, 5:23 pm
Are you getting extra help in the form of cleaning, mother's helper, baby sitting? If not, any way to get it? If yes, any way to get more?
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mo5




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 07 2014, 6:15 pm
You can get your husband to help ON yomtov. Eg Each Friday night after the meal we set the table for Shabbos together, prep stuff and leave in the fridge, and have all kids clothes out ready for them. Shabbos morning - he can oversee them getting dressed and I can go to Shul- at least for a bit and cone home to a ready meal (yes, that I prepared.. But not that morning).
Maybe you have a Neighbour you can switch off babysitting each others kids on daytime davebing so you can go to shul
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amother






Post  Mon, Apr 07 2014, 6:44 pm
hey there OP - I feel for you. when everything is on you & no family help
I am frum from birth but dont have much connection with family so everything is on you.
see if you can get any high school girls come & help; see if you have a friend or neighbor that you can eat some Yom Tov meal together (split the cooking)
see if you can explain to your husband how difficult this is & see what you can work out between you both.
lately at the Friday night table I ask my husband to serve the first 2 dishes & lately I'm asking my kids that they cant go play etc until the table is cleaned off.
when I worked full time, I used to treat myself to buy the dessert & challah (now I make both)
maybe buy something or make something special that you like!!!
lots of luck & I hope you pull through this Yom Tov ( I find as the kids get older, it does get easier. you can run out or go to a shiur without babysitting hassle)Smile
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PinkFridge




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Apr 07 2014, 8:33 pm
One thought: there's the concept of watching out for the Soton in front of us and behind us. it's obvious when the Soton is facing us down. The Soton behind us refers to when the yetzer hara tries to get us to regret something done already. My point is, your husband may start being more involved and helping out more. Don't regret the time he had. It was an investment, in his growth and the family. In fact, you may even want to frame it like that, DH, I'm so proud of the person you've become and the people we are. Over the years you've been able to really invest and it's been good for us all. Right now we're at a blessed point where your help is needed more and it doesn't mean the beginning of the end or that you won't have your quality time, it's just reapportioning the time for the health of our family.
We all, or at least most of us, go through this.
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amother






Post  Tue, Apr 08 2014, 9:11 am
also being single is very different than being married & with kids----yes, there is less time for "spirituality" - but should realize that getting your kids ready for school, cleaning, laundry, supper making etc is all holy stuff & that is exactly what Hashem admires!!!
making the house easy to be frum jews -that is what is expected from women - that is spirituality.
-maybe buy yourself a lightweight cd with ear phones; & as you do your "holy" stuff you can listen to shiurim or even put on music very loud--always puts me in a good mood.
not everything comes easy, but try to put yourself in a good mood, try & think positive & hopefully you can see the light
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PinkFridge




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 08 2014, 11:15 am
Amother, 9:11, so true. I told OP not to regret the time her husband's had. OP, it's so important not to regret the time you too have invested, and will continue to invest, even as you find more time for yourself. Which, BTW, is not at all selfish. It's so important to know what we need to refuel ourselves.
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kollel wife




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 08 2014, 11:42 am
There is a ladies shiur in Lakewood given by Rebbetzin Bassie Cohen, which helps give inspiration in mundane tasks and being a mother and wife. Her mother Rebbeztin Brog gives similar in Flatbush, I think.

It's not so much your being a BT, you should know. Girls get inspiration in high school, seminary and social activities. Being home only, not getting out of your daled amos, constant mess, laundry, cooking, cleaning, is very hard. I work during the week and feel it helps me a lot in that way, although I'd love not to have to work. Having cleaning help emotionally helps tons with this type of feeling, even if only once a week for a few hours.

Now that the weather is warmer, get out of the house sometimes during the week or Shabbos. You come back refreshed. Buy a new outfit in a washable material or Shabbos robe, so you feel good about yourself. I know these don't sound like davening, shiurim ideas, but they are kind of part of the same picture. All mothers get bogged down with the nitty, gritty constant cooking and mess.
Then if you have time when you are working in the house alone, all are asleep, you can try to listen to shiurim on the phone.
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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 08 2014, 11:57 am
FYI- this post is being discussed openly by at least one set of people on FB who are not imamothers (men and women). It showed up in my news feed. Feel free to continue discussing, but think of this as a "poster beware" situation
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Apr 08 2014, 12:21 pm
amother wrote:
OP here...the thing is I'm a BT. And I became frum leading that life. Davening in shul (twice!) a day sometimes, the freedom to go tho shiurim, beautiful meals from amazing families that didn't inform me what kind of intense work went in to it all....I worked hard all week and really enjoyed the change of pace on shabbos. Now I watch my kids all week...and watch them some more on shabbos. And all those seudahs I enjoyed when I was becoming frum are now prepared by me. The lifestyle that roped me in is not what I have now. And my husband is never around during the week to help with any preparations and he just wants his time in shul on shabbos. But I guess it all just makes me a bit angry....the life that he had when he first because frum is still his life. Nothing's really changed in how he gets to enjoy yomtov and shabbos. But for me, it's very very different. And it's been like that since the beginning of parenthood. The first year we got invited out here and there and we had no kids, I was working it was different.

If anything, shabbos and yuntif is life an intensified version of what I do during the week without all the crazy school droppoff/pickup times. More "childcare", more cooking, etc but without the spiritual stuff that I enjoyed years ago.

I don't feel connected to Yiddeshkeit through my kids and my house. I just don't no matter how hard I try to see it life that. This is nothing new. I just don't understand how women are supposed to enjoy all this if we have such demands in the home.

I know when my kids are grown I'll miss all this but it's been a long time away from shul - over a decade. And it's really negatively impacted me religiously.

Get thee a cleaning lady and chessed girls.

What you don't realize is FFBs also have family helping out in invisible ways. Because their mothers and sisters understand what's going on. YOu don't have that family foundation and need to ask for more help.
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amother






Post  Tue, Apr 08 2014, 12:36 pm
OP again...so my anonymous post is being discussed by strangers on Facebook? May I ask what is being discussed exactly? Though I guess this is "public" you may inform them I find it in poor taste. Yet somehow unsurprising. Unless they are also BTs and agree? Send them my way! Wink


I think I'll take a previous posters very good suggestion that dh help more on yuntif itself. I think that's going to have the greatest impact at this point. Not many chessed girls by me....very small community. The high school girls we do have are somewhat flaky, unfortunately.
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Mrs Bissli




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Apr 09 2014, 12:41 pm
If you want to get into Passover spirit, the standard substitutes for whiskey and gin are arak and slivovitz...
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amother






Post  Wed, Apr 23 2014, 8:58 am
OP here....never got into the spirit. Dh helped a bit but, like most women, the cooking was all on me. And Passover is too many meals. (sukkos too!) And, like all women, I am the default childcare and when men are in shul 1/3 of the day, that doesn't feel good. I'm the baby-sitter and chef on my "holiday."

So basically, this "system" is set up to encourage women to have as many children as possible....but they are the ones home with them on shabbos/yuntif. So essentially women are away from shul for 20 years? And they are the ones preparing, with kids in tow, these beautiful seudas that are one of the main parts of each shabbos/yuntif? This seems archaic. When I was 19, kidless, and barely cooked (and had lots of kosher takeout nearby!), none of this was on my radar. I feel like I was somehow tricked into it all.

If it weren't for learning and shul my husband would be around more and the kids and food/cooking would be more equal. So how am I supposed to be positive when he's encouraged to be there so much?

And if I want him to stay home, I look weak or whiny and most of the time he says to just get help.... Um help from whom exactly? The flakey teenagers aren't walking here on shabbos/yuntif. I can barely get them when the kids are sleeping and I pay very well. It also bothers me that he can come and go as he pleases but just to daven one time in shul for more than ten minutes, I have to set up "childcare."


So here I am very, very angry. This isn't what I wanted and this isn't what I want. No one dare to tell me about the holiness of raising Jewish children and davening while I set up for the 10th meal of the chag. No one's husbands seems to be begging to trade places with their wives.
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amother






Post  Wed, Apr 23 2014, 7:33 pm
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