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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Last ditch effort to keep daughter out of PS -meeting today
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 6:00 am
I'm the original poster from the "putting daughter in public school b/c can't afford tuition" post.

My husband and I will be meeting with the school in a last ditch effort to see if we can work something out. This is after our shul Rabbi made a call to the school. I hate that I am going in feeling as if we have made some bad/ irresponsible decisions. I know that we haven't, but can't help but feel that way. Our meeting is today.

Part of me feels like the school will not be able to meet our needs no matter what, but we have to try. My biggest fear I think, is not actually having to send her, but in how to tell her that she has to go and in explaining to my other kids that she has to. She is such a happy child. Believe it or not, I mostly feel like I've made smart decisions with her and I don't really have any regrets in how we've raised her so far. I'm really scared that this will be a decision that I will regret.

Bottom line is, right now this seems to be the most responsible decision that we can make. For any of you still following, I will clarify a couple of things.

1. We have her age to our advantage right now. This is a short term plan and don't plan on keeping her in pubblic school for more than a year or 2 - just enough to catch up financially.

2. This summer, we put her in the town camp so that she could meet some kids who she may be with during the school year - providing a good transition. By the way day 1, counselor called with a question about kosher b/c I told her about daughter'srestrictions.

3. My next door neighbor has a boy going into same grade who my daughter knows.

4. Excellent PS district.

5. We live in a modern orthodox community - no one will look down on our choice - possibly just wonder about our finances:( - Best case scenario - our decision will be met with respect and understanding.

6. We will put a major effort into stressing "Jewish things" like never before! making sure to daven, bench, etc. We will exagerate everything so that it is not forgotten. I also hope to have shabbos onegs (hopefully) 2x a month will all girls her age from neighborhood.

7. All kodesh will be supplemented by a teacher/tutor at home and me.

Anyway, very nervous about our meeting today. I'm trying to feel like I know what I'm doing. I just don't want to feel like I'm being looked down on and made to feel like an irresponsible parent. That's my vent for now - and words of advice will be appreciated.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 6:13 am
Actually, being in a mo community might be worse than a more RW place
OTOH, you won't be ostracized which is good, but on the other, there is really no social pressure not to become lackadaisical and apathetic about everything despite your best intentions at first
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 6:23 am
I wish you much mazal today! I really hope the school listens to reason and does what they can to keep your daughter in their school. No matter how they treat you, you know the truth. There are so many of us who are not making it financially through no fault of our own. Some people get help from family, some from the community and some from the school. You seem not to have that help. But that doesn't mean you are to blame for your financial troubles.
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anon for this




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 6:24 am
amother wrote:
Actually, being in a mo community might be worse than a more RW place
OTOH, you won't be ostracized which is good, but on the other, there is really no social pressure not to become lackadaisical and apathetic about everything despite your best intentions at first

Why did you post this as amother?

OP doesn't sound like the type of person who's relying on social pressure to stay serious about yiddishkeit (if that's what you're implying, I can't tell). And if social pressure is all that keeps people in RW communities from becoming lackadaisical and apathetic about yiddishkeit, that's not what I'd call a ringing endorsement.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 6:26 am
bring all of your financial paperwork that will help explain your situation for next year. Explaing to them why you can only pay $XXX a month for next year. Please tell them that you expect it to be just for one year.

my boys school requires us to fill out alot of paperwork and show supporting documents to be eligile for a scholorship. My dd's school just decides how much they think people can afford to pay. We offer to show them the documents, but they aren't intrested.

hve lots of hazlocha.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 6:28 am
I have to disagree with you. My husband and I are very conscious of of what we want for our children. One thing that we has never swayed us is how religious or not religious the community that we are living in is - and we have moved around a lot and lived in many types of communities - our expectations and "religious" levels have not changed. If anything they have only grown stronger in the as you said less right wing places. At least that is one thing that I am not concerned about. Good thing you aren't in this situation!
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 6:35 am
OP,
I have several dear friends who were forced to put children in public school because of finances. Not knowing how you can pay bills from month to month destroys SB-- terrible for children. The parents supplemented as you seem to be planning: 2-3 area kids studied weekly with a limudei kidesh teacher ( actually local rabbi ) and with a Hebrew teacher for language. They split the cost, which was little anyhow since it was by the hour. They made efforts to introduce their kids to local kids as you are. They talked to teachers.
These kids are grown.They have Jewish friends who are frum and some Jewish friends who aren't. They see where they want to be on the frum spectrum and are pleased with their deliberate choices. They are fine Jewish children thanks to their parents. Relax. You're doing everything right.
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myself




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 6:36 am
Good Luck OP, Hope it all goes well.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 6:37 am
You know the kid would not like to change. You say that very plainly.

That is all you have to know.

Relax about the rest.

Good luck. Hugs.
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anon for this




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 7:05 am
OP, I hope your meeting today goes well.

If not, it's clear that you've thought this through carefully. Placing your daughter in the town camp was a great idea. And being in an excellent PS district is a great advantage, not least because the teachers and administration are more likely to be responsive to your needs. Unlike the amother who posted above, I agree that living in an MO community will help you, because it will make it easier for your daughter to maintain friendships with her former (and future) classmates.

Regarding telling your daughter, you can explain that for this year, you and DH determined that it's best for her and for your family that she attend a different school for a year. Be ready to answer any questions she has about her new school. I would tell her about it first before you tell your other children. If this meeting doesn't go well, I do think you should let your daughter know soon after.

Is this your first year sending her to the town camp? If so, has she asked you why she's going this year?

OP, you sound like such a thoughtful parent. Sometimes it's so difficult to make decisions that are outside of the mainstream.
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Rubber Ducky




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 7:12 am
Nothing to add but wishing you much hatzlacha!
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 7:21 am
Thank you for the thoughtful responses. We do plan on bringing all of our paperwork with us to the meeting.

I was very nervous about how my daughter would adjust to the town camp. It has been great so far. She's a pretty easygoing kid. There are even a few kids from her school there too. The 2 girls from school are not as strict with kashrus and eats the camp snack. When my daughter asked me why, I told her that different people do different things. She should do what her mommy and daddy tell her and they will do what their parents tell them. She accepted this without issue.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 7:27 am
Hatzlacha. I would also explain to them your financial plan to get back on track and that if they can accommodate you it is mutually beneficial. You might also offer to only take the last seat in the classroom should it be available at an affordable rate so that the money you bring to the table is extra for them for a seat that would not be filled otherwise.
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Soul on fire




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 11:17 am
Did you have your meeting yet? How did it go?
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amother


 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 12:19 pm
The last thing I feel like doing is posting right now. But I will b/c I really do appreciate the thoughts and responses that I've read.

This was the 1st time ever that my husband and I have met together with the school finance person. It was quite horrible and discouraging. I don't really know what to say and I don't want to go into to many personal details b/c I know there are probably a few people who have figured out who I am.

As I mentioned earlier my older child is in another HS - different that the one connected to the elementary school. The HS has also given us a financial break. B"H we have managed to make those payments. All I got out of the meeting is:

*If you can pay that school, you should pay us.

*If you owe us, why can't you owe them instead.

*We are still going to hold your child's report card hostage, even if he has been asking to see his grades.

* If you put your daughter in PS, that is your choice it's NOT b/c we're making you do it. We're trying to work with you -not!

What a cold and unfeeling person he was. That caught me by surprise...

The biggest problem is that they are worried that we will not pay back the money that we owe. Therefore they will not adjust our tuition to a better amount until we can come up with a plan to pay back what we owe. We agreed to add an additional amount "xyz" but that is not good enough for them. For example, they basically want us to promise it by a certain time or something like that. I'm sorry if I'm confusing people this has been extremely stressful. The school really does not care - wow. just wow.

He is a new finance person and the school has some new people in charge. It is disgraceful. The school has done nothing to demonstrate that they value us and have a relationship with us. They have just basically said we don't trust you to meet your obligation. They said too many people have promised to pay what they owe and then walked off, moved or made aliyah and said to the school - tuff luck - suck up our debt.

Very sad. My biggest issue is how to tell my daughter and what if she says she doesn't want to go . But I'm pretty sure after day 1 she will be ok. I hope.

One more meeting is set up for about 2 weeks from now. I'm not even quite sure why- I think to finalize things. Stupid school, if only they did anything to show that they care. Show us the report card, give in on that and just make us feel better and the level of frustration that we feel would not be as bad.

If she really ends up in public school, I think that I will be very public about it. I will blog about it, write about it and make it known. I am such a passive person by nature. So non confrontational...But maybe I have to step out of my bubble and into the real world. uch.
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 12:26 pm
Hugs! Was anyone else from the admin present at the meeting? Can you request that someone more human join the next meeting, and brief that person beforehand?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 12:31 pm
No real advice, but I couldn't just read and run. How awful for you. I hope you have better experiences soon.

Is there a rav you can talk to who can help mediate?
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Jewishmom8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 12:33 pm
what horrible people to deal with!
I am so sorry
that is a disgrace
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 12:33 pm
imasinger wrote:
No real advice, but I couldn't just read and run. How awful for you. I hope you have better experiences soon.

Is there a rav you can talk to who can help mediate?


I agree. Was the school's rabbinic advisor informed of this?
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anon for this




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 15 2014, 12:42 pm
OP, I'm so sorry the finance person was nasty to you. I once had a truly degrading experience with a school finance director after losing my job while pregnant.

Regarding what to tell your daughter, I think you should be matter-of-fact about the situation. Emphasize the advantages of her new school--shorter school days, shorter commute (if applicable), more time with you during vacations. Visit the school with her if you can so she'll know what to expect.
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