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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Sheltering
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Seraph




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 06 2007, 5:47 pm
Do you try to shelter your kids? If so, to what extent? What do you call sheltering?

Why or why not?
If you do it, how do you accomplish it? If you don't shelter your kids, how do you make sure they don't say something they shouldn't in public? Are you proud of the fact that you shelter/don't shelter your kids? Do you keep it a secret or no?
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amother


 

Post Sun, May 06 2007, 5:53 pm
I think that every single (or most!) parent shelters their kid. Deciding if your kids could see a PG or PG-13 movie is a type of sheltering--- though in our world, most of us don't let our kids see movies at all.

Hashem gave us eyes and eye-lids. There's so much in this world-- there are things meant for us to enjoy to their fullest, and then there are things from which we are to shut our eyes and turn our heads. We need to teach this to our children-- but before they are old and wise enough, we need to be the ones to keep the negative stimuli from them.

So, yes, I think that we all shelter our kids, some more than others, and I think that that is our job as parents-- to shelter and raise our kids.
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Seraph




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 06 2007, 6:08 pm
amother wrote:
I think that every single (or most!) parent shelters their kid. Deciding if your kids could see a PG or PG-13 movie is a type of sheltering--- though in our world, most of us don't let our kids see movies at all.

Hashem gave us eyes and eye-lids. There's so much in this world-- there are things meant for us to enjoy to their fullest, and then there are things from which we are to shut our eyes and turn our heads. We need to teach this to our children-- but before they are old and wise enough, we need to be the ones to keep the negative stimuli from them.

So, yes, I think that we all shelter our kids, some more than others, and I think that that is our job as parents-- to shelter and raise our kids.


Why did you post this anon? Nothing to be embarassed about- you made a really nice post... Be proud of what you say!

Btw, I happen to know some parents that don't shelter their kids at all- their 5 year olds watch rated R movies, etc...
And that is why I asked to what extent do you shelter your kids...
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justanothermother




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 06 2007, 6:51 pm
**

Last edited by justanothermother on Sun, Mar 02 2008, 6:47 pm; edited 1 time in total
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yoyosma




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 06 2007, 6:58 pm
justanothermother wrote:
Quote:
Btw, I happen to know some parents that don't shelter their kids at all- their 5 year olds watch rated R movies, etc...


Are these frum parents?

I find it irrelevant if the parents are frum or not, are they normal?
Why would a parent, any parent want to subject their children to the voilence and filth in an R rated movie? Most informed parents these days, Jewish or not, would not let their kids watch such movies.
Voilent cartoons, yes unfortunately, but not R rated movies!
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Seraph




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 3:59 am
justanothermother wrote:
Quote:
Btw, I happen to know some parents that don't shelter their kids at all- their 5 year olds watch rated R movies, etc...


Are these frum parents?

Yes, sadly enough.

yoyosmama- these parents are just lazy... thats what the problem was. And now the parents are regretting it because their kids.... aren't exactly frum.
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amother


 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 4:12 am
I know I am considered a "hovering" mother. My mother was the same. I am worried that my tendencies may cause rebellion some day Gd forbid and watch myself, but if I don't have a sharp eye to look out for my kid, who will. Posting anon because the reason I have been so vigilant is that I have a son who had a speech delay and was a hitter. He was still hitting and not talking at 3, and I had to watch him all the time, every moment, to make sure that he would not hit other kids.

Now, b'h his speech is improved, but I am finding the opposite. I see that he is considered "different" because of his speech delay and now I am always making sure other kids aren't picking on him (when I can). I had to interfere when he was being bullied in the park (he doesn't fight back anymore because he has been taught not to hit). I have gone so far as to "spy" at shul when he is with other kids--- I listen behind the door because I want to know if they are laughing at him or not (which happened in one place). I decided if they were making fun of him, I would tell him to come inside on some pretext, but b'h they were fine with him. Maybe because they were older.

He's the oldest, what can I say? I don't want to be a smothering mother, and I know I'm not going to be as sheltering with the others (because our anxieties lessen with more experience) but I'd rather be hypervigilant like my mother than the opposite. I have to make sure he doesn't always see it and it doesn't lead to embarrassment or power struggles. That's how I can avoid my mother's mistakes.
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hadasa




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 4:18 am
I do try to shelter my kids as much as I can, but I think a very important point in Chinuch is this: You will have control of what your child sees and hears only up to a certain point in his life. So the main object of Chinuch is to teach your child to make his own decisions. That is why, about certain things (like watching a FRUM video which is too violent for my taste) will say, "I'd rather you don't do it for such and such a reason, but I'm leaving the decision up to you."

Now that my oldest is headed IY"H for Yeshivah, my methods of Chinuch are about to be put to the test....
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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 10:15 am
hadasa wrote:
So the main object of Chinuch is to teach your child to make his own decisions.


It is?

I thought the main objective of Chinuch is to cultivate yiras shomayim, Jewish pride, and simcha in avodas Hashem.

So when a child goes off to yeshiva, he will do the right thing even when exposed to things which go against what he was taught.
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 10:34 am
Motek wrote:
hadasa wrote:
So the main object of Chinuch is to teach your child to make his own decisions.


It is?

I thought the main objective of Chinuch is to cultivate yiras shomayim, Jewish pride, and simcha in avodas Hashem.
So when a child goes off to yeshiva, he will do the right thing even when exposed to things which go against what he was taught.


I was thinking this was what hadasa meant.
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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 10:59 am
may be ... but she sure didn't say it! Smile
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 11:20 am
When I think of sheltering, I think of a scary incident that happened when my kids were in cheder. There was a gunman who was on the 2nd floor of a 9 Mile Rd (where the cheder was across the street) who threatened to shoot anyone who was within range. The cheder was evacuated through the back entrance and the National Guard was brought into the building. The whole neighborhood was sealed with yellow tape. I told my children what the problem was but there were some parents who felt that the children shouldn't know. To me, that was over-sheltering. No, I don't think that children should hear about every act of violence that is in the news but my son's class was in my house that day. I felt that it was reasonable to discuss it with the older kids. Little kids who might be unduly frightened could be told that someone is working on the pipes.
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 12:09 pm
Southernbubby, how old was your son then?
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healthymama




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 12:49 pm
I would have given a general answer, but nothing specific. There was a bad guy there, so everyone had to leave. Now everyone is safe.

Although I am not a big fan of oversheltering, I think that when it comes to something that is actually going on in your life/their lives, it is a good idea to keep the details away from your kids. I would rather my kids hear about tragedies far away than know the details of our own issues. The latter will make them more anxious, etc. But only you know your kids.
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 5:17 pm
GR, he was older but I don't remember if it was before or after his Bar Mitzvah. No one expected his class to be clueless because they were still in the building when the National Guard came and they talked with them. It was the kids who were returning to the neighborhood from the girl's building that they wanted to shelter. I told my girls what the situation was. If I remember correctly the gunman eventually killed himself.
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 5:20 pm
I got the impression from your story that he was much younger. A 12-13 yr old? I think he should know the details at that age.
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 7:05 pm
By the way, I went to the Holocaust museum a few weeks ago with some out-of-town guests and I came away wondering at what age a child could see that: 12? 15?
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 07 2007, 7:14 pm
As a child, the schools had this policy to show extremely graphic films from the camps every year starting grade 5 or so until hs graduation. It was definitely scary and disturbing, some children even threw up. I hope I will know in advance and make my children skip class this day until they are older. My parents wished they could have.
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hadasa




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 08 2007, 3:17 am
Motek wrote:
hadasa wrote:
So the main object of Chinuch is to teach your child to make his own decisions.


It is?

I thought the main objective of Chinuch is to cultivate yiras shomayim, Jewish pride, and simcha in avodas Hashem.

So when a child goes off to yeshiva, he will do the right thing even when exposed to things which go against what he was taught.


OK, let me rephrase that.

The main objective of Chinuch is to cultivate Yiras shomayim, Jewish pride and Simchah in Avodas Hashem, so that your child will have the tools to make the right decisions when he's on his own.

Is that better? Wink
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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 31 2007, 3:39 pm
yup hadasa Smile

good thread topic

here's an article about it (see all the comments that follow the article for more food for thought):

Quote:
I remember once when I was around 11 years old, my aunt and uncle took me to a movie, and during an explicit scene, my aunt whispered to me that she was sorry; she hadn't realized the movie would be so "adult."

"Oh, don't worry," I nonchalantly replied. "I'm used to it." By then I'd seen much worse.

For a time in my young adulthood, I really prided myself on being unfazeable. "There's not much that can shock me," I said between drags on my cigarette.

But inside I was empty. My self-respect had gone the way of my innocence, and I felt devalued and debased.

When I was exposed to traditional Judaism for the first time as an adult, this was one of many areas where the truth of Torah penetrated my heart.

.....I don't think my children are missing anything. We listen - and dance to - joyful music that connects them to their traditions and enhances their spirituality with inspiring lyrics. They may not know Madonna, but they love Mordechai ben David. They read voraciously in both English and Hebrew, and we provide them with books that educate and entertain without reference to television, gratuitous violence, or intimate matters that they really don't need to think about at their tender age (yes, there really are books like that!). And as to the facts of life, we will teach them in the proper time, within a context of helping them to envision a committed family life.

My husband and I carefully screen the materials our kids are exposed to. We do not keep explicit images around the house, and we do not allow them to read explicit materials (the same goes for violent materials, or other things that do not reflect our values). We do not watch movies, and we do not own a television. We have chosen to live in a religious community in Israel where our children are exposed to a minimum of vulgarity.

My children do not know who is the latest, hottest entertainer. They have no idea what's on television. They are blissfully unaware of the latest navel-baring fashions. And they do not, as of yet, know "the facts of life."

for the full article:

http://www.aish.com/societyWor.....e.asp
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