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Fear of Yizkor

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Pickle Lady

Mon, Jun 06 2005, 12:14 pm

Yizkor is coming up. I don't like going. I make up all the excuses under the sun not to have to go. I know its my chance to do something for my mom but I get freaked. Also the logistics are annoying. Which shul to go to and what time it will be. Also its so emotionally for me that when I stand there I can't help but cry and then I feel so embarressed. "Why am I such a dork" "shes been dead 5 years""I should be over this" Also I have to explain to people that "yes I know its time for Yizkor, thats why I am here" Then I am standing around with mostly older women realizing that yes I am alone. I am 26 years old and I have no living mother. After yizkor with tears and lots of emotions later I go home to preparing the house for a yom tov meal.

I wanted to know if there were anyone else in a similar situation and how you feel about Yizkor. Its hard to make my husband understand my feelings about this.

proudmom

Mon, Jun 06 2005, 12:29 pm

BH I have both of my parents so I dont really know.

Quote:

Also its so emotionally for me that when I stand there I can't help but cry and then I feel so embarressed.

There is nothing to feel embarressed about. Just let yourself go. It is really healthy to cry it out.

Quote:

Then I am standing around with mostly older women realizing that yes I am alone. I am 26 years old and I have no living mother.

Is there someone that you are close to that is also missing a parent that you can go with to yizkor?

Last edited by proudmom on Mon, Jun 06 2005, 1:34 pm; edited 1 time in total

miriam

Mon, Jun 06 2005, 12:55 pm

On Pesach, a woman I know (not that well apparently) was flailing her arms in my direction, YIZKOR YIZKOR. I just ignored her. Confused

Maybe I should have responded but I am also not crazy about being there. I also wasn't feeling well that day. Believe it or not, I left right after Yizkor to go home and go to sleep. It wasn't only b/c of this but it didn't help. I just left my kids with my sisters-in-law and all the other relatives. I felt bad but my head was about to explode.

Hey, you could always wear sunglasses if you are concerned about others seeing you cry. Maybe you could review the tefila in the morning, give yourself a good cry and then go to shul. You shouldn't hold anything back. Good Luck and don't be too hard on yourself. (Thanks for letting me rant)

Pickle Lady

Mon, Jun 06 2005, 1:14 pm

Thanks for the advice about the sunglasses. I think I might just do that. Reviewing the tefilla sounds like a good idea. Maybe it will help get the crying out of my system for the day.

sarahd

Tue, Jun 07 2005, 1:25 am

In my shul, everyone cries during Yizkor (at least they're all sniffling when we come back in). Maybe find a shul where the people are more emotional, then you won't be the only one crying.

supermom

Tue, Jun 07 2005, 1:35 am

you lost your mother why would people be so judgemental for? I have seen shuls that have kids in the shul for their parents. yizkor is a time to raise your mothers neshama to go higher and it is also a time when you remember her of course you will cry no matter if it is ten years or five years. and five years is not such a long time to mourn a lose of a loved one it is actually still very 'new'.

Pickle Lady

Tue, Jun 07 2005, 6:23 am

This time for Yizkor I am going to go to 770. I usually go to a local shul. I told my husband that I understand what yizkor is but I just don't like all the feelings that come with it in a public setting, I would rather do it at home. A friend suggested I go to 770 this time cause its a large congregation. But what do I do with my kids? Now I have to work out a plan with my husband. Would it be so bad if they were with me while I did Yizkor since my husband davens at another shul? IYH I will see friends that can take them. Yom Kippur is the hardest because I can't carry and I am home alone all day with the kids.

Pearl

Tue, Jun 07 2005, 6:50 am

what's 770?

((((((((((pickle lady))))))))) 5 yrs is not that long, and you should never be embarrased to cry, especially not in shul, during yizkor!

I hope miriam's advises will work out for you!

proudmom

Tue, Jun 07 2005, 7:01 am

770 is the shul that the Lubavitcher Rebbe davened in and a lot of people would go there to daven with the Rebbe. It is located in CH.

Pearl

Tue, Jun 07 2005, 7:15 am

proudmom, thank you!
and btw, lovely photo, ba'h!

1stimer

Tue, Jun 07 2005, 7:35 am

Pickle (or anyone) is it better to say yizkor in shul or is it just as good to say it at home?

Pickle Lady

Tue, Jun 07 2005, 11:06 am

The torah must be out when we do Yizkor. So I am not even sure if you are allowed to do it home. I don't even know if its an option. Maybe I could ask a Rav.

1stimer

Tue, Jun 07 2005, 11:07 am

You are allowed to do it at home. What do women with little kids do?

queen

Tue, Jun 07 2005, 11:21 am

pickle, I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. ((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))

1stimer

Wed, Jun 08 2005, 9:04 am

Pickle, try and look at it as a way to connect with your mother. There is so little we can do for our deceased parents, we can't make them a cup of coffee, we can't call them and find out how their day was. But there are things we can do, we can do mitzvahs - and she will benefit from it. Yizkor is another way we can do something for them.

Motek

Wed, Jun 08 2005, 3:09 pm

nice point 1stimer

Quote:

So I am not even sure if you are allowed to do it home. I don't even know if its an option.

I asked (for you) and was told:

Quote:

Why not? It’s not a davar she’bekidusha (matter of holiness) that requires a minyan. On the other hand, our prayers are always received more readily when recited in a holy place and with a tzibur.

re feeling emotional in public - I can see that that could be uncomfortable. Maybe you can stake out a good spot in shul where you can have some privacy, in a corner, near a wall.

My husband lost his mother when he was 4 Crying