Humor-Jokes | Imamother

proudmom

Thu, Nov 04 2004, 9:12 am

How come when you mix water
and flour together
you get glue..

and then you add eggs
and sugar...

and you get cake?

Where did the glue go?

NEED AN ANSWER?

You know quite well where it went!

That's what makes the cake...
Stick to your TUSH!!!

supermom

Mon, Nov 08 2004, 5:27 am

sorry I just don;t get that joke but man was that funny I still can't stop laughing LOL

and I don;t know why since I didn't get the point maybe I am strange. but cute joke anyway

Motek

Wed, Nov 10 2004, 6:42 pm

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb
and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again.You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Rochel Leah

Wed, Nov 10 2004, 10:17 pm

A shadchan calls this guy and says: "Oy, I have a shidduch for your son, what a good shidduch..."

The guy says: "I don't have any time tell me another time."

The shadchan: " Just listen to the name ...u won't refuse."

The guy says: "ok..."

The shadchan:" Its rothchilds daughter.."

Teh guy: "now you're talking"

The shadchan then calls rothchild: " I have a shiduch for your daughter"

Rotchild: I dont have time, just tell me the name."

The shadchan:" Its the vice president of national bank."

Rothchild:" sounds good..."

The shadchan calls the national bank: I have a candidate for vice president, he will be really good."

the guy at the bank: "it doesnt work like that, you cant call and nominate a vice president, it goes through a system."

The shadchan: " but listen to who he is...he's rothchilds son in law"

Motek

Thu, Nov 11 2004, 5:19 pm

Number One Genius of 2004

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Genius of 2004

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Genius of 2004

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and
left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Genius of 2004

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because I don't believe you are over 21. "

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Genius Number Five of 2004

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Genius Number Six of 2004

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Genius Number Seven of 2004

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Motek

Thu, Nov 11 2004, 5:22 pm

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

-----------------------------------------------------
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
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After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
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An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

Yael

Thu, Nov 11 2004, 9:26 pm

I love it!!
keep them coming!! LOL

Motek

Mon, Nov 15 2004, 2:13 pm

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago,but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Tefila

Mon, Nov 15 2004, 5:58 pm

motek

Quote:

Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met,

supermom

Tue, Nov 16 2004, 2:05 pm

There was a jew and an arab they were neighbors. One day the jew went walking with a geese on a leash, and the arab approached him and claimed that the goose was rightfully his. The jew said lets strike up a deal, whom ever gives the other one a harder kick will get the goose. The jew said since the fact that I came up with this deal then I should go first. The arab agreed and the jew gave him what a kick that he couldn't move for a couple of minutes. When the arab got up he was ready for his turn. The jew said, since we are neighbors and we are such good friends just take the goose. The arab agreed and left with his goose.

supermom

Wed, Nov 17 2004, 2:22 pm

Isn't it strange that brain cells come and go but fat cells don't?

supermom

Wed, Nov 17 2004, 2:25 pm

A woman goes to a workout place wanting to sign up for the gym for a year, as she was signing the papers something caught her eye,

Please wear loose fitted clothing while working out.

The woman thought and said out loud don't you think if I had loose fitted clothing I wouldn't need to workout?

Tefila

Wed, Nov 17 2004, 2:37 pm

Supermom

Quote:

The woman thought and said out loud don't you think if I had loose fitted clothing I wouldn't need to workout?

I love, just love that answer LOL

Motek

Wed, Nov 17 2004, 6:56 pm

check out this silly site LOL

:

http://uk.download.yahoo.com/n.....h.htm

supermom

Sat, Nov 20 2004, 5:38 pm

SILLY SITE INDEED !!!
8) cool site LOL

funny site Crying

almost put tears to my eyes from laughing so much
LOL

Tefila

Sat, Nov 20 2004, 8:47 pm

Quote:

SILLY SITE INDEED !!!

Motek, My kids had fun on that site and.....so did .......my hubby and I embarrassed

supermom

Sun, Nov 21 2004, 5:37 am

When we mess up in life wouldn't it be nice if we can just press ctrl+alt+delete and start over again?

Tefila

Sun, Nov 21 2004, 11:17 am

Supermom that is poignent, wow Exclamation

And maybe should be on a whole new thread..... wha do ya think? Wink

Motek

Mon, Nov 22 2004, 8:31 pm

> CHILDREN'S SCIENCE EXAM
>
>
> Q: Name the four seasons.
> A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
>
> Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
> A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
>
> Q: How is dew formed?
> A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
>
> Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
> A: Keep it in the cow.
>
> Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
> A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
>
> Q: What are steroids?
> A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
>
> Q: What happens to your body as you age?
> A: When you get old, so does your stomach and you get intercontinental.
>
> Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
> A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.
>
> Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
> A: Premature death.
>
> Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)

> A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
>
> Q: What is the fibula?
> A: A small lie.
>
> Q: What does "varicose" mean?
> A: Nearby.
>
> Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
> A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
>
> Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
> A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Motek

Mon, Nov 22 2004, 8:32 pm

KID'S PROVERBS
>
> A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb .It's hard to believe these were actually done by grade one kids ("6" year-olds), but here they are!
>
> Strike while the ..........................insect is close.
>
> Never underestimate the power of............ants.
>
> You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
>
> No news is..................................impossible.
>
> A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
>
> You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.
>
> Love all, trust.............................me.
>
> The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
>
> An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
>
> Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
>
> Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
>
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.

You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.