Humor-Jokes | Imamother

Motek

Mon, Nov 22 2004, 8:32 pm

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "You had so much fun,I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Motek

Mon, Nov 22 2004, 8:33 pm

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to
'I' and add 'es'.
Smile

Motek

Mon, Nov 22 2004, 8:33 pm

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.

"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

Ozmom

Mon, Nov 22 2004, 11:54 pm

I'm not sure this belongs under humour but anyway

Sad, but would probably be true.
===============================
A guy saw a pit bull attacking a toddler in Paris. He killed the pit bull and saved the toddler's life.

The reporters swarmed the guy. "Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The guy says, "but I'm not from Paris."

Reporters: "That's OK. All France will love you. Tomorrow's Headline: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"
The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."

Reporters: "That's OK. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's Headline: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either."

Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?"

The guy says, "I'm from Israel."

Reporters: "OK. Tomorrow's headline: "Vicious Israeli Kills Girl's Defenceless Dog!"

sarahd

Sat, Nov 27 2004, 5:55 pm

proudmom wrote:

I HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE. I LIKE THE JOKES,

An Englishman will laugh twice when you tell him a joke - once when you tell it, to be polite, and later on when he gets the joke.

The German will laugh once, when you tell the joke. He won't laugh again, because he won't get the joke.

The Jew won't laugh at all; he'll tell you he heard the joke before and besides, you're telling it wrong.

I once told this joke in a group and one of the people actually said, you know I heard this joke already, but a little different. Then she wondered why we all cracked up... LOL

Motek

Mon, Nov 29 2004, 6:17 pm

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top
to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would
have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, the bill is now $150.00!

Motek

Tue, Nov 30 2004, 6:28 pm

I think this is supposed to be sung to the tune of a certain non jewish song ... Wink

"The Dichotomy of Jewish Mothers"

On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said,
"You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
>>> have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Don't you like the doughnuts?
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Take another brownie,
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Try my home-made strudel,
take another brownie,
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead

gryp

Thu, Dec 09 2004, 11:33 am

found this online"

NY Board of Rabbis Voice Mail

Hello, you have reached the office of the New York Board of Rabbis. Our Rabbi is ready to answer any of your questions.
If you are Orthodox, press 6, 1, 3.
If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2.
If you are Reform, press any button you like.
If you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.
If you are Lubavitch, please wait a moment for the Moshiach to answer. (Beep)

Hello, you have reached the Orthodox Rabbi. The answer to your question is that it is absolutely forbidden by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8. (Beep)

Hello, you have reached the Conservative Rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope that this has been helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8. (Beep)

Hello, you have reached the Reform Rabbi. The answer to your question is: If you want to, sure! Why not? Who are we to say? However, if you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8. (Beep)

Hello, you have reached the Reconstructionist Rabbi. The answer to your question presumes that there is an answer. We have not decided that issue yet. However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer your own question now, please hang up....if you are still there. (Click)

gryp

Thu, Dec 09 2004, 11:37 am

hysterical:

Three Jewish Mothers

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me!"

Motek

Sun, Dec 12 2004, 5:56 pm

A driver was stopped by a policeman for speeding. The policeman was writing the ticket when the driver said "But officer, I am sure I was doing less than 55." His wife said "Harold, you were doing 70 and you know it!"

The officer said "And I'm giving you a ticket for a busted tail light." The driver said "But it was working fine when I got in the car." His wife said "Harold, that light's been out for 3 months."

The officer said "And, I'm giving you a ticket for no seat belt." The driver said "But I just removed it when you stopped me." His wife said "Harold, you never wear your seat belt."

Finally, Harold said, "Will you SHUT UP!?"

The officer leaned into the window and asked the wife "Does he always talk to you this way?" The wife said "Only when he's been drinking."

Motek

Tue, Dec 14 2004, 8:49 pm

Lewis bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse
and that worked great until the other horse got his tail
caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like
the other horse's tail and Lewis was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested he notch the ear of one horse. That
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed
wire fence. Once again Lewis couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height.
When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one. 8)

Motek

Wed, Dec 15 2004, 2:07 pm

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well,
son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was
down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day
polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the
apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I
spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm
for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end
of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Motek

Thu, Dec 16 2004, 2:13 pm

Nova Model advertising among the Spanish speaking:
"No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".

* The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign
"Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.
It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish transla-
tion read "Are you lactating?"

* Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where
it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

* When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used
the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on
the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies
routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since
many people can't read. shock

* An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of
"I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the
Potato" (la papa).

* Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated
into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in
Chinese.

* The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela",
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with
wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole",
translating into "happiness in the mouth."